


Chapped and Faded

by littlemisssunmin



Category: SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Bisexual Disaster, But also some pain, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Growing Up, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, No Main Character Death, Parenthood, Support, Terminal Illnesses, VDS, how did i end up with this ship, sobbe side, van der stoffels main
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 150,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27293704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemisssunmin/pseuds/littlemisssunmin
Summary: Jens never even had considered being interested in men, until a certain dutch boy showed up two month in his last school year. And as if this wouldn't be hard enough already to figure out, his main problems lay at home in a mother and a sister who needed him to grow up faster than a seventeen year old really should.The days were getting shorter as it turned winter and time slipped through his fingers faster than he expected.
Relationships: Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden
Comments: 48
Kudos: 58





	1. Lonely Star - Week 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fan fiction is actually written in clips, that are released on a tumblr blog I specifically created for it.  
> These chapters are the collection of every clip each week. If you want to keep up daily, you can do so here:
> 
> https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/
> 
> I hope you enjoy my story. It probably will last til late january, early february 2021.  
> Also no Beta-reader... let's go!  
> Thank you for reading!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Lonely Star - Week 1

### Oct 23rd, Friday 15:01

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/632771792009854976/a-new-beginning-a-new-me)

### Oct 24th, Saturday 8:05

„I’m hungry!“ The high-pitched voice got through to him, ripping him from a dream, he could no longer grasp nor remember the moment he opened his eyes. In fact he barely could recall any of his dreams. But it must have been pleasent enough, as he didn’t felt uneasy. In fact he was quite content considering it being that early. For a moment he felt at peace with himself. It only lasted for a second though, as suddenly there was a tiny body and long curls of brown hair, throwing itself onto him in a swift motion, without regard.

„Lotte!“ He groaned, lacking any real anger in his voice or expression, as she grinned up at him from his chest with big doe eyes. Well, she surely had more than three crucialy short hours of sleep that he had gotten so far. He really should stop staying out that late from now on. Freeing his hands from under the banket, they found their way to her sides. And Lotte being extremly ticklish, she started to squirm instantly. Her carefree child-laughter filled the house, making him smile in return.

Jens loved her, he really did, but on early mornings that didn’t fell on a school day, he wished she would be a bit older and more considerate for a couple minutes, giving him enough time to put himself together to face another day. No such luck though. She was only eight and thus he decided to push her away from him, up into the air. A big grin slipped on his lips as she squeaked.

Having had enough of this, he watched her starting to pout at him, telling him to put her down, so he did. Right next to him on his bed and then sat up himself, trying hard to feel awake.

The morning was dimmed in a light grey tone, as puffy clouds filled the sky. It wasn’t supposed to be raining today, but he better should check on that later. For now it made him feel a bit sluggish. The winter and short days would certainly make his life much harder soon.

„So what would my lady like for breakfast? I may have to grab something from the backery, if you want…“

He couldn’t even finish his sentence as Lotte exclaimed happily: „Crepés!“

Of course. Lotte and her sweet tooth. She knew exactly that he rarely could tell her no on weekends. Jens quickly went through their stock of groceries in the kitchen, and if his mother hadn’t used anything between yesterday evening and now, they should be on the safe side.

„Okay let me quickly get a shirt on and go to the bathroom and I’m gonna join you in five minutes, alright?“ Lotte nodded enthusiatically, got off his bed and ran out of his room in practically a second. There was the sound of her socked feet on the wooden stairs, loudly pounding and creaking on each step. He could only hope that it wouldn’t wake their mom.

Jens let himself fall back into the welcoming pillow, closing his eyes for a moment to take a deep breath. What he wouldn’t give for a single lazy hour in bed right now. Blinking them open again, his hands had pulled up the phone from beside him.

It showed him 12 unseen messages, all of them from their groupchat, simply called ‘group’. Whoever had Aaron allowed to name it, surely regretted it by now. It wasn’t just the broerrrs nowadays. Since the lockdown and their zoom meetings, he had found himself in an even larger one. Girls and boys, plus Sander, Senne, Milan, and Jana, so she could keep up to date. It was chaos. Jens knew why he kept it muted.

The messages were from 2 hours ago, when he was already home and fast asleep. But apparently Amber, Aaron and Sander had been up chatting. He quickly skimmed their brief conversation, a deep yawn escaping him, as his eyes caught a joke Sander had made.

_Sander 6:55 : @Aaron looks like u need to be worried about being single again. I could ask Robbe if he is up for a trouple ;D_

_Aaron 6:56 : I hate both of u_

_Amber 6:56 : @Aaron you DON’T need to worry, you are the only one for me! Always <3_

_Sander 6:58 : …and that’s me going back to draw and listening to Robbe’s cute snoring <3 Later!_

What he would’t give to see his best friend’s face, reading this last message once he woke up. It also was the last text in chat, leaving Jens a bit confused, so he scrolled up to the beginning. There were just the ones of Luca and Senne telling the others, they made it home safe. And two of Jana telling them it was weird that she had just arrived at a party that very moment. Until the next gave him the answer he was looking for.

_Amber 6:50 : hi, just got home, but quickly checked my mails and apparently there will be a new student joining our school on monday. a month into our last year. super mysterious. and being on the student council, it is obviously my duty to greet him and show him around. this is soooo exciting. I hope he is hot._

There was also a photo posted of a bright laptop screen, and Amber’s half-lit face, grinning brightly at the camera, pointing towards what appeared to be the content of the mail. In midst showing a bold black name.

**Lucas van der Heijden.**

“JE-HENS!“ It echoed through the hallway from downstairs. Fuck.

He threw his phone back onto his pillow and made his way quickly over to his closet, grapping the first shirt he could to put on, as well as a pair of socks. With a swift brush of his fingers in front of the mirror, he tried to sort through the mess his hair was. To no avail. Disgruntled he decided to let it be and made his way out of his room Not before stopping and peaking into the one looming at the end of the hall to his left.

It was dark, thick curtains drawn. Only the faint light of the hallway managed to give him a view on the sleeping silhouette of a woman too thin under a big blanket. Jens swallowed down his thoughts. There was no need for any of it now, as Lotte was waiting for him. Carefully he closed the door and turned around to join his little sister in the kitchen. Preparing to make a mess of it and cleaning it up later. On his own most likely.

### Oct 24th, Saturday 14:39

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/632861721578569728/oct-24th-saturday-1439)

### Oct 24th, Saturday 16:23

„Come on, it was funny! Don’t be embarrassed. Well maybe a little bit.“ Moyo teased and jumped out of Robbe’s way, as he tried to punch the shoulder of the laughing teen. It would have been only a very light smack, nothing meant to actually hurt, as he saw his best friend shaking his head smiling, after he only hit air. A certain hint of sincerity though had swung in its intent.

„I personally think it was very endearing when perfect boy Sander postet an apology this afternoon, calling your snoring very quiet and cute.“

„I’m going to kill you!“ Robbe yelled, after Moyo, who was quick to grab Jens’s board to escape their circle, skating down the path by the water. For a Saturday afternoon it wasn’t as busy as expected, giving Moyo enough space to wind through the groups of people enjoying the view hours of sunshine. Jens tried to pet Robbe’s head, who swiftly ducked out under his fingers in time , fixing his hair, and pulling a face.

Jens kind of had to agree with Sander, having had shared a bed and room with Robbe over a decade for various sleepovers. So he tried his best to bite his tounge in order to keep another joke from slipping out.

A decade, huh? Jens found himself a bit surprised by that realisation. But it held true as he would turn 18 soon. They have been best friends since the first grade. How lucky were there to still stick around each other, he thought.

„Dude, I wish Amber would call my snoring cute, she usually pushes me on my side, to make it stop. You are so lucky.“ Aaron said, trying to make Robbe feel better, in the only way Aaron really could. Jens sympathised with his best friend, he probably would be embarrased too, if someone posted it into the group for everyone to see. Sander wasn’t one to keep private regarding their relationship. As long as it wasn’t really serious.

Jens definitely didn’t need to worry about it anytime soon. Since Jana and him had broken up, over a year ago, he hadn’t slept over at a girls place, leaving rather soon after, if they actually had had sex. He simply kept to one-night stands. Only two girls being exceptions to that unspoken rule. Just lasting for a couple of weeks each, thus really not worth mentioning. It always ended when they wanted more than fooling around. And that was when Jens knew that he didn’t want them at all. To add to that for almost five month now he hadn’t seen anyone, only hooking up at parties a couple of times, keeping it to that night, mostly drunk and sometimes high too. And that happened perhaps every two weeks, he realised now a little worried.

It’s not like he didn’t want a relationship, especially watching Robbe and Sander, or Zoë and Senne. He just wanted someone were it would actually work from the start. Or someone he felt was worth sticking to.

But Jens had so much other stuff going on in his life and especially his head. He lacked any motivation to put effort into a relationship. It sounded so exhausting to him to persue one. He barely had time for his friends of late. But no one seemed to notice or to mind. Robbe had Sander, and Aaron had Amber, and Moyo, well Moyo had picked up dance classes, and had his little Brother to take care of. If they had noticed, they haden’t brought up the topic with him yet. Jens was secretly very relieved of it, not knowing how to start to explain his situation. He didn’t even knew himself what exactly was going on. He would rather not think about the future too much. Not at all, if possible.

„Earth to Jens. Can you hear us?“

He looked over, not having realised that his gaze had shifted towards the water behind them. He tried to put his focus back on his friends, where Aaron waved a hand in front of his face.

„Sorry, still tired, short night.“ Jens apologised caughtoff guard, not lying, but not giving away his train of thoughts from a moment ago. He yawned to make a point and could have sworn that Robbe briefly squinted at him worried, but was smiling and clapping his back in sympathy a second later.

„Sander woke me at 10, because he was too bored after staying up all night, so I kinda get it.“

„Yeah no worries, we all saw the insta post, you did this morning, no one is holding that against you. Eight-year olds are cruel. When my cousins stay over, they wake me at seven sharp. Every. Single. Time.“ Aaron explained acknowledging as he glanced at the backpack towards Jens feet. Really inconspicuous. Jens rolled his eyes amused.

„Right! There was something. You brought some crêpes as promised, I hope? I’m so hungry.“

„Oh yes, me too!“ Robbe joined Aarons excitment and as if Moyo had listened in to their conversation, he rolled up on his board that moment.

With a dramatic sigh, to prove a point, Jens crouched down to open his backpack and pull out a big plastic box. „Here you go.“

Within seconds the container was opened and his three friends happily chewed away, while Jens checked his phone. There were a couple of group messages, as expected. Some sort of double date was arranged between Zoë and Senne, and Luca and this new guy she started dating a couple weeks back. Mats, Maxim, Mathis… He couldn’t quite remember, but something along these lines. He was sure, she would break it off soon enough. So why bother to remember his name anyway.

Just as he was about to put his phone back again, a new text popped up.

_Mom 16:46 : My headache is growing. I have to lay down. Can you pick up Lotte from Olivia’s at 6? I’m so sorry.._

_Jens 16:47 : No worries, just finishing up with the broerrrs and the video. I’m as good as on my way. Sleep well!_

### Oct 25th, Sunday 11:10

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/632942235467563008/oct-25th-sunday-1110)

### Oct 25th, Sunday 14:07

There was a loud thud on the other side of the door, that let Jens flinch and step a bit back from it. It was soon followed by a burst of giggling though and to his surprise it was Yasmina who opened the door with a slight reddish tint to her cheeks. He most definetly hadn’t expected her to be here. Anyone really, but her.

„Sorry I kinda hit my knee on the cabinet and knocked over a vew things. Come in.“

Jens nodded confused but chuckled nonetheless seeing the little mess on the floor. He followed her in and was met with a strong scent of cinnamon reaching him from the kitchen. Yasmina simply started to pick up the items and placing them back, while he took off his jacket, feeling too warm as soon as he had stepped inside. Jens was a bit lost however on where to put his jacket, as it appeared at least two dozen others already occupied the hangers on the wall. He threw it over the one orange coat, he was sure was Robbe’s, and found Yasmina had walked back into the kitchen. Only her head peaked around the corner again to gesture him he should join her too.

Even though he was here to see Robbe, at least he could say hello, Jens figured. And contrary to his believe, when his best friend had asked him to come over to chill, the kitchen was packed. And more voices spilled out from the living room next to them. He had more or less expected the apartment to be empty.

„Hi!“ Milan declared cheerfuly, checking up on something in the oven, that certainly caused what filled the kitchen in a sweet vanilla-cinnamon cloud. Impressed he looked at Milan, hoping to be able to get a taste of it. Just behind him at the table sat Aaron and now Yasmina.

„Amber and me came over to visit, and Yasmina slept over, because of… Actually I don’t remember, but yeah, Amber is in the living room with Zoë, Senne and Robbe.“ Aaron explained, while fist bumping Jens, before going back to type something on his phone. That was the moment Milan seemed to be done for now with the content of the oven and threw an arm over Jens’s shoulders, settling close next to his side. He shook his head smiling, placing his own arm on the lower back of the older boy.

„This is the third weekend in a row of everyone gathering in this apartment, we may have to move to a bigger place, because this is getting out of hand.“ Milan complained, both of them leaving the kitchen, to go over to the living room, not before he let Milan check the time in a book on the counter, to know when to take out whatever he put in. He continued chatting, letting Jens relax a bit, as he did not had to decide what to say or to do for the moment. Something Jens actually noticed he appreciated greatly. The last months it seemed like he had more and more responsibilities at home and was contemplating what to do every single day. He remembered that Milan was still talking to him and quickly began to go back to actually listen to what was being said. 

„… Lisa mentioned to come back next summer. I mean Senne moved in with Zoë last year, and now it seems like Sander did too with Robbe. I think, since the end of the lockdown, he may visit his parents once a week to return with even more art supplies to set up all over the place. He claimed a part of the bookshelf just last week. He washes most of his clothes here too. We may as well add him on the payroll for rent.“ Milan went on complaining as they reached the living room, finding the others chatting around the livingroom table. It was full of sweets and fruits and cups of tea. Jens immidiately loved having decided to take up Robbe’s invitation.

„Hey, Jens!“ Senne greeted happily.

„You made it!“ Amber smiled at him warmly.

„You lucky asshole, being late an hour and we just filled up the pot again, so you actually get fresh and hot tea.“ That was Robbe patting the spot next to him on the floor, while Amber, Zoë and Senne had cuddled up on the sofa under a blanket. Zoë mainly sitting on top of Senne’s lap, her head buried in the curve of his neck. How they didn’t die a heat death, was a mystery to Jens. It was at least 30 degrees in here it felt like. Taking off his sweater, earning him some loud whoo’s from the others, he settled next to Robbe, nudging him in the process.

„I thought we were alone.“ Jens tried to accuse Robbe, feighing disappointment, but followed almost immidiately with a smirk, as Robbe had lost his smile for a second. The younger one definitely worries too much. As if Jens could ever really get super mad at him.

„Ah fuck you, Jens.“ He turned his head towards said boy, a hand placed on Jen’s thigh before he continued: „Though we probably could have arranged that, if you wanted me all to yourself. I mean, we could just kick them all out.“

Robbe definitely had found his confidence since being with Sander and grew more comfortable being himself every day. Jens really liked watching that development happen in front of him.

There was a suggestive wiggle of Robbe’s brows that made Jens laugh and push Robbe’s face away from him.

„Where is Sander than? I thought you become joined at the hips if you leave school properties.“ 

Jens sort of regretted having said that, as Robbe’s bubbly, happy expression faltered. He caught himself quick, not fast enough though for Jens to ignore. It worried him that something had happend.

Robbe seemed to notice that and quickly shook his head to calm Jens.

„Nothing bad, Sander just hadn’t caught any sleep over the last couple nights, so he is basically knocked out since this morning. Maybe depression, but I’m not sure yet, hadn’t had a chance to talk to him. That’s actually why I asked you to come over. I didnt know that it was getting that crowded today.“ Robbe explained, leaning his head on Jens’s shoulder as he fished for some cookies on the table in front of them.

Giving him a bit of best friend support, Jens moved his arm over behind them, lifting his hand to stroke lightly up and down Robbe’s back. He felt Robbe relax next to him, apparently he had been a bit tense before. Though the boy never voiced it, Jens knew that it was hard for him to watch Sander like this sometimes. He believed that Robbe might be reminded of his mother in these moments. He kissed the mop of hair on his right shoulder, earning him a smile in return.

Milan in the meantime had poured Jens a fresh cup of tea and sat down on the armchair to their left.

„Yasmina, Zoë and me had planned to drive to an exhibition opening about the history of medicine, that was scheduled for today in Brussels, but as they had two positive Corona cases yesterday it was cancelled. Fortunately for us just as we had gotten into the car. Hence this big party here.“ Senne threw up one hand with a grin, waving about in a circular motion to indicate their gathering, as if Jens couldn’t put two and two together.

They all chatted away, being joined by Yasmina and Aaron, who somehow still managed to squeeze next to Amber on the already crowded sofa. They talked about the party from friday and the spanish exchange student Jens had flirted with. She was cute, long dark brown hair, green eyes, petit body. Her name was Camila and simply because they had talked a while, danced and kissed in the end, he now was somehow expceted by everyone else to take her out on a date. Which he declined politely, telling them to screw themselvees.

They talked about Sander’s upcoming school exhibition in two weeks, that they all planned to attend and would make sure to embarrass the shit out of him. 

Last but not least the topic fell on the mysterious new student they’d meet tomorrow and a couple of non-serious consipiracy theories started to emerge, one odder than the one before. Nothing was off limits. Not even Aaron throwing the Dutch royal family into the mix.

Just right after Aaron’s suggestion Lucas van der Heijden could be the illegitimate son of a prince of some sort, Milan jumped up screaming about the danish thing he forgot about. He stormed off, almost tripping over his own feet on his way over to the kitchen in a panic, while laughs and cheers from everyone else filled the apartment, rooting for Milan to make it in time. Luckily it wasn’t burned and thus ended up being eaten in a haste, only one piece surviving by Robbe guarding it with his live. Sander would apparently kill him, if Robbe wouldn’t bring him some of Milan’s great baked goods. 

To his defence, they were incredibly delicious. 

### Oct 25th, Sunday 18:55

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/632971357707173888/oct-25th-sunday-1855)

### Oct 26th, Monday 08:17

He was late. 

Jens knew he was, as he passed around the corner through the school’s entrance. Having reached the school, he finally slowed down a little, catching his breath. His lungs were burning from his sprint up here from the bus station. 

He had overslept after staying up late yesterday cleaning off a broken glass bottle and the remaining pieces of a ceramic bowl, after his mother had accidently dropped them while doing dishes. 

It had been too heavy, she had said and apologised over and over and over again in tears, until he had accompanied her to bed, where he sat her down and treated the nasty cut on her inner palm. Thankfully Lotte seemed to not have woken up by the noises. He helped his mom change into her sleeping clothes as she cried, and finally tucked her in. 

He had believed her the moment she said it, when he rushed into the kitchen from his room upstairs, telling the guys something about his mom needing help. No specifics. 

It had been eleven at night, when he went down to sit on the floor for quite a while, staring at the shards in the bright lit room.

They had simply been too heavy.

Jens felt at fault just as much. He could have cleaned up after dinner, instead of excusing himself to play Among Us with Moyo and Aaron, chatting away over discord about random stuff. But then again, he was only seventeen, he should be allowed some time off, right? But on the other hand, he had spent most of the day over at Robbe’s being only back for dinner at 8. The least he could have done that day was cleaning the damn dishes.

It had been half past one, when he turned off the light next to his bed and finally caught some sleep.

Monday morning hadn’t started great either.

First he got up late. 

Second he rushed to get Lotte ready to drop her off at school, as they realised half way there that her science book was still on her desk at home. So Jens rushed back and got it and then hurried to catch his bus, after she barely made it to class on time.

And of course he missed this fucking bus too. The world truly was against him. He could have cried for these ten minutes he sat at the bus stop and stared down on the pavement, trying to calm his breathing.

But now that he finally made it all the way to school, he felt exhausted. So instead of going inside, why not skip first period, he thought. Surely he had done enough to deserved a break. Thus Jens settled to sit on one of the tables to his left, His back against the wall, he looked up into the sky for some minutes, breathing deep and slow. Until he heard a door open that startled him into motion. He quickly got to his feet, ready to greet and apologise to a teacher. The promise to immidiately find his class room was ready on his lips.

Monday morning maybe wasn’t as bad after all.

Jens was pretty sure the world stopped for just the tiniest moment, as his eyes settled on a boy who had left the building. He was pretty. Was the first thing he thought. Followed by: What the fuck, Jens? 

It took him a second longer to take his eyes of him and see Amber by his side, chatting gleefully away, pointing to whatever she explained to him. Jens certainly was impressed. He may show him the class rooms and cafeteria and be done with it. What else was there to talk about. It was a school. Surely they must have them in the Netherlands as well.

Though that implied that the boy, who had stolen all of Jens’s attention, also was indeed the new student. What was his name? Luc? No, that didn’t seem right. Shit, he should have memorised that name.

„Jens?“ Amber asked puzzled, as the two came to a stop infront of him. He hadn’t notice them getting closer, even now he still downright watched the boy shamelessly. He never knew he had a thing for colours, but looking into the blue eyes in front of him, Jens figured he may do have a favourite. It was all just very confusing how affected Jens was. The boy clearly didn’t get that. Thank god, that he wasn’t telepathic. So the new student quickly looked around and behind himself as if to figure out what Jens could be interested in. That at least woke him up and he focused on Amber.

„Sorry, I was just in thoughts. What’s up?“ Jens was quite proud how normal and relaxed he sounded after everything that had happend til now. But here he was not letting any of it show on his face, or in his voice for that matter. Acting was definitely going on his list of future occupations.

„I could ask you that as well. What are you doing here?“ Amber replied, sounding a bit worried.

„Oh, right. I didn’t hear my alarm, missed my bus and when I got here, I kinda thought, why even bother.“ Jens explained nonchalant and shrugged, with a grin on his face, showing his teeth.

The girl couldn’t help herself, so even as she shook her head, a smile graced her lips. And even better, the boy next to her actually snorted at that. He was very pleased with himself. If Jens could be or look any happier, in that moment he must have.

„You are so stupid.“ Amber sighed: „Well, do you wanna come with us then? We are halfway done, but I wanted to get to the gym, labs and cafeteria before making our way back to the secretary’s office. Maybe you two can compare your timetables as well, just to see where you can help him out, if he needs it?“

„Sure, sounds good. I don’t really had much planed anyway. Other than cloud watching, that is.“ Jens slung his backpack over his shoulder and followed suit. 

„Oh I’m Lucas by the way, nice to meet you…Jens, right?“ The boy introduced himself still smiling while looking back over his shoulder. He in fact even winked at him before he continued: „I guess we do the whole proper hand shake thing another time, huh?“

Jens really liked him. God no. Scared that his words would betray him, he simply nodded. Meanwhile Amber fell right back into her grand tourguide mode and began to talk about all the teachers Lucas would have in class.

The most surprising thing was, that Lucas actually seemed to listen to her. He even asked some questions and gave his opinion at the right times. So Jens just walked behind them and kept to himself, content to have an excellent excuse to watch the boy infront of him and forget about everything that had troubled his mind not even twenty minutes ago.

He decided that monday morning was perhaps not completely awful.

### Oct 26th, Monday 17:44

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633057477432311808/oct-26th-monday-1744)

### Oct 26th, Monday 20:52

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633070009931972608/oct-26th-monday-2052)

### Oct 27th, Tuesday 11:35

„Are we waiting for something specific to happen?“ Aaron asked puzzled, plopping ungracefully down next to Jens with an already opened pack of crisps, munching happily away. It was lunch break. For some minutes now. The cafeteria started to fill up by incoming students and Jens had made sure to get a table, that directly overlooked the main entrance. Much to the broerrs confusion, who had just joined him at his very unusual spot.. Robbe and Moyo taking the chairs across of him. Aaron to his left. 

„Any reason, why we are sitting here instead of outside?“ Aaron tried again to get Jens out of his thoughts. It wasn’t that he didn’t hear his friend, he just wasn’t ready to tell them, what he tried to accomplish here.

After Amber‘s message last night, he had looked at it, settled on an uninspired ‘k’ and then intended to simply treat it like any other lunch as well. That was until he had gotten his tray, with two big slices of pizza and some ice tea, to swiftly sit down at this table right here in the middle of the fucking cafeteria, waiting for a certain dutch boy to walk in. He was a fool.

„Okay, suit yourself.“ The decision has apparently been made between his three friends to move on, and thus continued their ongoing conversation from their way over.

„Hey, sorry, hope it’s alright? I saw you come in from over there.“ Lucas explained gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder towards a smaller table in the far left corner behind him: „I had last period off and Amber told me, you guys were cool with me joining you for lunch? New kid status really sucks!“

„Sure, feel free.“ Robbe said friendly, about to clear his backpack and jacket from the seat beside him, til he noticed that Lucas took the seat right next to Jens’s right.

Jens was dumbstruck. How didn’t he see him before? Why did he sit here? So eager to see the boy, that apparently didn’t thought much about keeping distance, Lucas’s knee bumbed into his under the table.

„So Jens!“ The dutch boy clapped his hands gleefully, that definitely got the attention of him, as he turned his head. Immediately caught to look into the stunning blue eyes again. There was some nervousness gathering in the pit of his stomach, as he couldn’t quite figure out what to expect.

„Now seems to be the time.“ Lucas told him mysteriously, as if Jens should know what that meant. He did though, he realised, the moment the boy smirked and stretched out his hand towards Jens, who copied said move, grinning himself.

„Jens Stoffels, utterly pleased to meet you.“ He introduced himself properly as they shook hands, in a very over-the-top polite manner.

„Likewise. Name’s Lucas van der Heijden.“ The two of them should have definitely stopped shaking their hands by now. But they both didn’t let go, as they grinned stupidly at each other, lost in the other boy’s gaze.

Jens believed this to be the most obvious situation in his life. Every person in the room must have known now what went on in his head. Clearly Lucas must have noticed it, right? However people can be wrong sometimes and Jens most certainly was at this very moment.

„You know each other?“ Moyo asked, oblivious to the way Lucas looked at Jens, or vice versa. But perhaps Jens was imagining things, interpreting things into it that weren’t there to begin with? 

The only thing he knew for sure was the discontent he felt, when Lucas withdrew his hand.

„Not really, but we crossed paths yesterday morning, when Amber was showing me around. He actually joined us for half of it. And because she was to involved in her tour, Jens and me, we decided to give the whole greeting another go another time.“

We. The way Lucas explained it, it felt like Jens actually had done more than tugged along. The we implied that they actually had a conversation, that never really happend. In all honesty, Jens had barely opened his mouth. It also seemed to be enough to satisfy the questioning looks of his three friends, who began to also shake hands with the new addition to their group and started to interview him on his schedule, what courses he was in. How his first day had been. And so on. 

Lucas turned out to fit quite great within the group. He was friendly and funny and easy to talk to. The others really seemed to like him too, eager to get to know him better. He intended to memorise everything.

Lucas told them that he was from Utrecht, but moved here because of his mom. That he did some sightseeing, but really just the main tourist spots. Lucas has no siblings, but grew up with a best friend. Who is technically like his brother, though with the whole move, it seems to be harder to keep in contact.

That he loves the ocean, and is a bit sad that he moved further away from it.

His favourite food: Cake.

Jens took one of the now cold pizza slices on his untouched tray, suddenly remembering that it was lunch time and he hadn’t eaten anything. And as if they had been best friends for years, he found that Lucas had grabbed the second one, looking mischievously at Jens. In a very cocky manner too, that Jens should hate, but instead kinda liked, so he let it slide.

„Now that you already got it, enjoy and chocke on it.“ He joked, which earned him the cute snort that Lucas had done yesterday too. Looking pleased with himself, the dutch boy rolled up the slice and went on to completly shove it into his mouth. Jens regretted not having bought more.

„Impressive!“ Robbe provided now biting his lip to keep himself from laughing, definitely having assotiated something entirely else with it other than eating pizza. Not that that thought hadn’t crossed his mind either, watching Lucas next to him. The same could be said for Aaron and Moyo who both hollered at the same time: „What the fuck, bro?!“

Indeed.

„Sorry, I just got reminded by a thing Isa and me..“

„Isa?“ Moyo asked.

„One of my closest friends back from Utrecht. I’m not even quite sure what had started it. But one day last summer, she told me that people could apparently fit a whole hot dog into their mouths. Sweet Isa and her dirty mind sometimes.“ Lucas smiled fondly, while thinking about this girl that apparently meant a lot to him. „Well we fucking failed hard. But that didn’t keet us from trying it anytime one of us brought it up. It was a little game as well as an inside-joke. For my part, I like to believe that I got much better at it.“

„Geez.“ Robbe provided amused.

„Yeah, now that you bring it up, it definitely is weird. Sorry.“

„Bro, don’t worry. But tell us more about her, were you a thing before you moved? Is she hot?“ Jens sat upright in his seat, as he waited for Lucas to answer Moyo’s question. It felt very important to Jens to know if that assumption held any truth in it.

„Oh no! No, no, no, no, no. Never. I may have told her that one time, but certainly never meant any of it. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, just not romantically, nor anything similar to it.“

„You told your best friend you were in love with her, withought meaning it?“

„Uuh, sounds about right. I do a lot of stupid shit. Especially back then I did my worst. You know, I’m not the greatest when it comes to socially interact with people. Fuck. I just stole half of Jens’s lunch, barely knowing this guy for a minute. He could as well have punched me square in the face.“

„Fair point.“ Aaron concluded and checked his phone. „Guys! We need to go. You’ve got P.E. as well right?“ 

Lucas nodded, while all five of them collected their things and went to put the trays on a cart left by the entrance.

„Hey, Jens?“ Lucas said quietly a bit later to his right, as they tailed behind the rest of the broerrs.

„What’s up?“ Jens managed to get out, realising even though they spent the whole lunch break together, he barely had spoken a word.

Lucas leaned in closer in a whisper, enough for his breath to reach Jens’s ear, which sent a soft shiver down his spine.

„Did I fuck it up? Was I too awkward? I probably shouldn’t have said half of the things I did.“

Where did that sudden insecurity come from? Why did he felt okay enough to share this with Jens? And why was Jens’s opinion on it so important? To him the boy always appeared to be quite confident in himself. But it seemed like he actually worried about it, so Jens gently shoved his own shoulder against the one from Lucas and shook his head. 

„Nah. They are good. We are good. You are good.“

### Oct 27th, Tuesday 14:05

_Mom 13:41: I hope I don’t interrupt you, but if you see this, could you please call me back? It’s importan_ t

Jens could only hope he wasn’t late, He had just left the changing room, when he saw the notification on his phone screen. He mindlessly shrugged off Robbe’s hand on his shoulder, which got him an odd look from his friend. He hated that, but he really felt uncomfortable in his skin right know and didn’t want to be touched. The air wasn’t quite getting in to his lungs. The halls felt to crowded and stuffy and as if his sorroundings were narrowing in on him, crushing him in the process.

He tried really hard to remember if his mom had had an appoinment today. To his knowledge she was just doing her usual home office work, but maybe he had mixed something up?

„Eh, I’ll quickly have to call someone, I’ll catch up with you outside, okay? Won’t take long. Promise.“ Jens excused himself, rushing off towards the other direction, trying to find a quiet spot. He did in an unused room by the staircase. Sipping in, he closed the door to have some privacy and tapped on his mothers number.

It went to voice mail after four beeps.

Shit. Jens pulled on the collar of his sweater, trying to allow his lungs to have room to breath.

„Come on… pick up…“ He mumbled, redialing. 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

„Jens?“ His mother’s voice appeared on the other end of the call. Thank god. 

„Mom, everything’s alright? Just got out of the gym and have only Physics left. I could skip, if you need…“

„No, don’t! I’m fine, only working. But I managed to get all the important calls done for next week. And now have all the times for our meetings. I just wanted to confirm those with you, in case you make plans with your friends.“ His mom told him calming. Maybe she sensed the tension in his body, how he had trouble holding himself on his feet. His knees felt weak. Jens leaned back against the cool wood of the door, letting his head fall back and his eyes shut.

„Right, I sort of forgot that you wanted to do that today. Go ahead, I guess.“

„Well, I actually managed to get them all taking place on wendsday. I talked to your classroom teacher and it seems to be better if you miss one whole school day, instead of random classes in between. So the plan is to get Lotte to school and then we head to the hospital to talk to Dr. Henin at 9:15, afterwards we go straight to the bank to sort out the account accesses at 12:30, and see what we can do regarding the house. When we are done there, it is just the lawer left. Though he will actually come visit us at home. I’m not sure how much I can handle on one single day, so we decided it would be better, if I could be in bed, if needed. Perhaps you can get all the questions, if you have any, ready til then?“

Jens nodded through all of it, even if his mother obviously couldn’t see him, before he agreed to all of it in spoken words too.

„Sounds good to me, and yes I’ll definitely have quite a lot of things I need to understand and answered. Especially regarding insurances, but if possible, could we talk about this tonight in person? I’d like to get something to drink before the break is over.“

„Of course, of course! So sorry to keep you from it. Say hi to Robbe from me, let him know that I miss having him around. He used to be here every second day, it felt like. He should come by again soon!“

„Will do, mom.“

„Great, see you later. I love you so much, Jens.“

„I love you too, mom.“

### Oct 28th, Wednesday 16:51

Robbe was off in a heartbeat, once he saw a familiar boy waiting for him by the entrance onto the school grounds. Without any regard he leaped forward and was immidiately welcomed into a big hug, picked up off the path and put down only when he had kissed his boyfriend. 

„And that is Sander.“ Moyo said as a matter of fact. And in addition. „Wendsday is Sanderday.“

Lucas who was with them, as they all had just finished economics class together, looked over confused. „Sanderday?“

„Wendsday is the only day of the week that he has off earlier than us. So he can come pick him up. Sander is of course his boyfriend there, who had just dropped his precious art folder and everything else in order to catch Robbe in time.“

Jens could only nod in agreement to Moyo’s thorough explanation.

„Hence, Sanderday.“ Aaron concured. „Trust me, they will leave us behind somewhere between now and the next hour, and never been heard of again until tomorrow.“

„U-huh.“ Was all that Lucas provided as they catched up with the couple.„What’s up, boys?“ Sander greeted cheerfullfy, hugging each of the broerrs, before extanding his hand towards the newling to their group. „And you must be Lucas. Robbe, and basically everyone else, had already told me about you. Glad to be able to actually see you in person as well.“

„Great to meet you too.I hope there were only good things so far?“

„Absolutely.“ Sander proclaimed and picked up his things from the ground. „Ready to go? I actually had planned to sketch a bit by the park, if you want to come as well.“

A simultaneous shrug followed by affirmative mumbles, that made them all head towards the left, straight down the street. It was a ten minute walk tops, though they stopped for some drinks on the way. Long enough, that the sun even peaked through the clouds once they arrived.

„Lucas, can I post this on my insta? If you don’t mind, of course.“ That was Sander asking a little later, just as they had found a nice sunny spot in the park to occupy a bench. He pushed the display of his camera towards said boy’s face. Jens wasn’t sure when Sander had taken it out of his bag, but that wasn’t really what he wanted to know. Lucas seemed a bit taken a back, looking at it, as he did a double take and watched Sanders smiling face. He did sound a bit unsure of himself but replied: „Sure, I guess.“

Now everyone’s curiousity demanded a look as well. And after Moyo had sommented on it with a whistle on his lips, it finally was Jens’s turn. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing at the moment, but his jumping, beating heart, assured him he was alive. Though on second thought, maybe this was dying.

He tried not to give away, how beautiful he thought it was. Or to be more presice, the boy in it. Sander took amazing photos, that wasn’t a secret, but he captured Lucas just in such a way that Jens’s throat dired up.

Aaron took the camera off his hands, leaving him with words of protest on his lips. But luckily his brain was smarter and decided to stay quiet. 

„Eh Lucas?“ Sander tapped the dutch boy on the shoulder: „If you’d be interested too. My photography course is doing editorials next month and I’d love for you to model for me. I already have the perfect idea! Trust me, it is gonna be great. Nothing too big. Maybe three, four photos? Black-White. Classy. Clean fashion editorial. We can get a designer on board and have Robbe do lights. What do you say?“

The broerrs looked at each other amused and than to Lucas who had absolutely no clue what to do. He also never had met Sander and his seemingly spontaneous grand plans before. He certainly was the type to go big or go home. Before Lucas had any chance to answer though, Robbe’s voice broke the silence.

„Here I thought I was your only muse. But now a new pretty boy comes along and where does that leave me?“ He pouted at his boyfriend, who’s grin immidiately vanished of his face, replaced by an expression of horror that Robbe would even entertain a thought like this.

„You are, and will always be my biggest muse in every universe! Always and for ever! Unconditionaly. I’d carry you on my hands each day, and would canonise the ground you are walking on. Gift you every moon, and star, and sun I’d be able to reach. The whole sky and beyond. You are the one thing I truly love more than aynthing in this world, myself included. You are…“

„Oh shut up and kiss me! Then you can go back fanboying over Lucas again.“ Robbe smirked, blushing in the brightest colours imaginable by Sander’s devout decleration of love.

„I most definitely will kiss you!“ Sander exclaimed and took a very broad and swift step towards him, his hands immidiately finding just the perfect hight on Robbe’s hips to pull him excrushingly close.

Jens felt like an intruder seeing something he shouldn’t. It felt very inapprobiate to watch, as Sander leaned in to an open-mouth kiss. Lips and teeth and tounge. Robbe reciprocated like it was air to breath, let himself fall into it, his wrists crossed behind the neck of Sander, as they devoured each other. Jens knew he never had kissed nor had ever been kissed by anyone like this. He really should look away, but just like the other boys he couldn’t quite draw his gaze from them. 

He swore they had completely forgotten about Lucas, Moyo, Aaron and himself, as Robbe and Sander ended their kiss with a heavy gasp, staring into each other eyes as they pressed their forheads together.

These lucky bastards were together for almost a year and still it seemed they had just found each other anew.

Jens loudly cleared his throat, while Moyo couldn’t hold back his laughter any longer and Aaron slowly clapped, deeply impressed. Checking up on Lucas though, Jens found the dutch boy looking absolutely overwhelmed by this public display of affection. Or maybe because it was between two boys? Jens really hoped that that wasn’t the case. And it didn’t appear that Lucas had been disconcerted before when Robbe had pecked a kiss to Sander’s lips infront of the school. But that didn’t really had to mean anything, right? Jens just prayed he was wrong about the way Lucas seemed to be a bit uncomfortable at the moment.

„Seriously, I almost want to be kissed by Sander now.“ Moyo joked, patting Robbe’s back, who seemed to suddelny realise where they were.

„That could be arranged, I believe.“ Sander provided with a wink, greatly amused by Moyo’s wide eyes of total shock to the suggestion.

„Oh shit, sorry!“ Robbe said apologetic at the same time.

„All good.“ Jens let his best friend know, searching for Lucas’s eyes. „Right?“

The dutch boy suddenly looked up and over towards him, nodding strongly.

„Of course. I just…eh….it came…unexpected.“ Lucas settled on and tried a reassuring smile. „Are you always like that?“

„Like what?“ Robbe inquiered, perhaps a bit defensive. He hated when people assumed anything remotely negative when speaking about Sander, and or their relationship in general.

„So open about it? I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve seen that before. My circle was very straight in Utrecht. But really, I didn’t mean to imply anything else by it. Honestly. Full support on my end here.“

„We are just us.“ Sander provided simply to ease the tension, while he turned back towards Lucas with a warm expression. He never let go of his boyfriend though, tucking him nicely to his side, with his arm slung around the other boy’s back for support, his hand resting on Robbe’s waist.

Lucas’s smile grew brighter, nodding reassured that this had turned out alright.

Jens released the breath he didn’t knew he had held. But it felt like some weight was lifted by Lucas not being against their relationship. Why he had been so effected though, Jens didn’t know. He assumed it just had to do with the happiniess of his best friend, that he wanted to protect. 

„Trust me, they can get even worse than this. At least on two seperate occasions I had to slip out of Robbe’s room. They only have eyes for each other from one moment to the next. It’s incredible. And hands! God do they have too many hands.“ Jens told Lucas, exaggerating his annoyance over them, by rolling his eyes in a big motion. It earned him a smack by Robbe and Sander’s laughter.

„Bro! I swear to god, it happened to me too once. We were playing CoD and sat on the sofa together, until they started. I spend the next hour in the kitchen with my headphones on, not even wanting to try to get to the bathroom.“ Moyo declared and now everyone was laughing. Til Robbe decided it was enough and waved them all off.

„Okay, okay, I think everyone got the point. Can we go back now to appreciating Lucas’s beauty and how he should model for my stupid boyfriend here?“ Teased Robbe, patting Sander’s chest. Who was back on track of his mission the next second, leaving his boyfriend’s side to take his camera back from Aaron and settle into the dutch boy’s immidiate vicinity effortlessly. Jens sometimes really found himself jealous by how easy it seemed to be for Sander to do.

„So what’s your insta? I can message you everything about my idea later.“

### Oct 28th, Wednesday 20:37

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633249494248652800/oct-28th-wednesday-2037)

### Oct 29th, Thursday 17:01

„Oh brother, mine! Of course I can help you carry in all these bags.“ Jens said theatricly in a high voice to mimic his sister, who was getting out of her jacket and boots in a whirlwind of motion, before storming off into the living room. Ignoring him completely.

He sighed, managing to place his keys onto the cupboard, before kicking the door close behind him. His effort to balance three paper bags full of croceries, as well as Lotte’s and his backpack on each shoulder, let him handle at least the task of slipping out of his sneakers before walking quickly towards the kitchen.

The groceriy bags safely placed on the counter and backpacks on the kitchentable, Jens took off his own jacket, feeling hot and sweaty in it. Much better, he thought, as his gaze fell on his little sister on the sofa across the open room. She had promised Olivia to be online for Animal Crossing as soon as she got home. For a second a thought creeped up on him, that made him stop in his tracks. 

This must be how his mother must have felt every single day of getting him home after school.

Oh god. He was only seventeen, and he acted like his mom.

Quickly shaking his head to get back to his task of managing a houshold, he placed his phone on the table and began to unpack most of the groceries. All but the ones needed for dinner. His mom was meeting her doctor at the hospital and Jens planned to be done when she was back, so that they could eat together. It still left him roughly three hours. His cooking got significantly better since march and staying home most of the time.

Without much thought, he wandered over to their backpacks.

„Lotte did you get your Dutch test back, yet?“ He asked, but to no avail, as his sister still ignored him in favor of staring intensively at the screen of her Switch. So instead he opened her bag and searched through her folders, looking for the blue one to pull out and indeed there it was. A big red 17 written at the bottom. Proud that Lotte did so well, despite the lockdown and the missed class work, Jens smiled.

He placed it on the table, so his mother could sign it and continued to look for her homework diary. Most was done already over the weekend for this week, he knew that, but there was a new task written in for tomorrow’s math class.

„So how about I give you an hour and then you do your homework for tomorrow, while I do mine and start cooking, deal?“ Jens looked over at her, watching her throw him a thumps up: „Deal.“

At least that would give him some sort of motivation to do the geography assignment, he didn’t really care about, but had promised Moyo to copy from in exchange for French.

His phone buzzed on the table in front of him. He glanced over to see a new picture and message having been posted to the group by Amber, so he opened it and stared directly into the pretty face of Lucas. Did he just really immediatly fall back into marvelling at the boy? Maybe.

_Amber 17:32: so I may or may not have convinced Lucas to join us tomorrow for quiz night. I hope that’s okay with everyone? :D_

_An_ d under it, he found the picture he had been looking at so intensly. To be clear it actually included Amber and Aaron too, as they sat in a cafe together. One he didn’t know. Infront of them half eaten pieces of a pie and three cups of coffee. Lucas smiled just as much as the other two, but to Jens it felt brighter. He kind of wished he could be there with them. To be honest just Lucas would be perfect, but he quickly pushed that thought away. He zoomed in to only watch the face of the dutch boy, that had haunted him for three days now.

Mindlessly Jens opened his instagram, looking for the picture Sander had posted yesterday of Lucas. There it was. And just innocently in the description under it:

**@vanderheijden.lucas**

It was very tempting, he had stared at it already last night, after he had seen the post, but had closed the app instead. It wouldn’t hurt though to throw a quick glance at it, right?

Immidiately the profile loaded, showing him not a lot of posts, but almost all of them were of himself and his dutch friends he assumed. And god did he look good. He looked happy as well. A smile being present in most of them and indeed Lucas did smile a lot, Jens had noticed. He really liked that about the boy. So much indeed his heart got all excited when Lucas smiled at him directly. But even more he enjoyed to look into these blue eyes.

**Following**

As soon as he had realised what he had just done he put his phone back, screen down. Shit.

He could just quickly unfollow him right? Slight slip up. Nothing bad. Or… Lucas was kind of part of the group now, as he would join tomorrow as well, so obviously it wasn’t odd that Jens would follow him, even though they had maybe exchanged 5 sentences directly with each other. Jens should stop thinking so much about Lucas. He just didn’t quite know why he simply couldn’t. It was frustrating to say the least. 

He needed to just figure out something. Fast.

Because given Amber’s text, he would be there tomorrow evening at the flatshare, where Milan had planned his very first pup quiz night. Organised to make up for a night out drinking. Which was cancelled out of new concerns and numbers regarding Corona. And with the curfew in place they planned to be done by 10. Enough time to be home by midnight.

So quiz night it was. Everyone was excited already. Even Jens had found himself looking forward to it. Everyone would bring something to eat and drink and then it was just team against team, fighting for the win. Lucas already had his sympathies as he was new to the group and never met all of them together with Milan present as well. Jens prayed they wouldn’t scare him off. It would allow him to get to know the other boy better in the process. If he would be very lucky, maybe he could even catch him alone for a minute.

„Alright, we can start. Can I get some hot cocoa?“ Lotte asked hurrying over to the kitchen table, still with her, well his, Switch in her hands, but it looked like she was ready to wrap up.

Did Jens honestly spend almost half an hour thinking about Lucas? He honestly needed to work out what he was doing and why? Jens certainly entertained an idea of what was up, but it scared the shit out of him to actually form it into an actual thought. If he did that, there wouldn’t be any way left for him to back out of questioning what he believed he knew about himself.

Shaking the train of thoughts out of his head, he got up, ruffling Lotte’s hair, as she giggled and swatted his hand away.

„One hot cocoa à la Jens, coming right up!“

### Oct 30th, Friday 07:07

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633379803935981568/oct-30th-friday-0707)

### Oct 30th, Friday 17:45

Time never had passed as slowly, it felt like. Okay that obviously was an exaggeration, but it didn’t feel any less true at the moment, that Jens watched the digital clock of the reciever change from 44 to 45.

„So just Lucas is missing now, right?“ Zoë asked into the group as they finisched up, pushing all the furniture out of the way. The floor was scattered with pillows and blankets arranged in some sorry excuses of four circles. Sprinkled in between them, pens, paper and bowls full of all kind of sweets and crisps. The actual food was waiting in the kitchen for them, ready to be stacked on big plates. Plus the bottles of alcohol cooling in the fridge.

„Seems like it. Amber, did he text you yet?“ Yasmina said, looking over to the blond, who just had helped Aaron carry out the couch table into Milan’s room. 

„I can check again, but the last thing I got, was his message after school to tell me, he’d swing by his house and bring some beer later.“ She replied, taking out the phone from her cardigan’s pocket. She didn’t had to search though, as just in that moment the door bell rang.

„I’m gonna get it.“ Jens proclaimend, already on his feet and leaving the living room, checking the flat’s hallway, it seemed, he was on his own. Good, because before he went straight to open the door, he glanced at himself in the mirror, trying to get the last strands of his hair into a position he thought looked alright on him. Taking a deep breath, he put his right hand on the door handle and turned the knob. He was greeted with Lucas’s smiling, puffing air, a woolen hat pulled down to almost his brows. His cheeks held a faint red, that Jens found endearing.

„Hi.“

„Hi.“ Jens reprocrated just as awkward as they stood in the door way staring at each other. The déjà vu of their instagram chat hit him instantly. Not that it made this situation any better.

„You look good, should I have come dressed up?“ Jens was as always confused, when Lucas said anything that sounded remotely flirtatious. He wasn’t sure how to handle the dutch boy. This was so far out of his comfort zone. Usually it was on him to be the active part and take the first step with girls.

„I am literally wearing a hoodie and jeans, dude.“

„Doesn’t mean you don’t look great in it.“ Lucas doubled down on it. Shit, was he blushing? Shit, were they both blushing?

„Is that Lucas, or what?“ Zoë shouted from the living room, and it dawned on Jens, that he should have let the boy step into the flat.

„Fuck, sorry, eh, come in.“ Jens stepped aside a little, to make room for the missing guest to enter.

„I would be just as fine leaving again, if you came with me. I know this really nice bus stop half an hour away, that has an awfully similar name to this one here. It’s great, stunning even. It has a supermarket close by, and lot’s of houses and…”, he paused contemplating, “…that’s really it, I’m afraid. But I fortunately went to the wrong stop, so I may show you my detour as your own personal guide.“

If Jens already wouldn’t be afraid that he was about to fall for this boy, it certainly was settled now, as he had trouble taking his eyes of the smirking lips in front of him. He was so close to grab his jacket and close the damn door behind them on their way out.

„Jens?“ It echoed through the staircase, as now Milan made sure that the whole house must have heard his name.

„Yes, we are coming, let that poor guy arrive in peace.“ Jens turned his head away briefly and yelled, before looking back at Lucas. 

„Sorry, another time maybe?“ He tried to hide his disappointment. Jens felt like he wasted one of the rare chances of getting somewhere in this.

„Yeah, that’s propably for the best anyway. It is fucking freezing outside. A cosy evening in sounds great actually. And I don’t think the bus stop will wander off on it’s own.“ Lucas said, as if he meant to promise it to Jens. Another time then. For now he helped to take the heavy bag filled with bottles of beer from him, as Lucas took off his jacket, throwing it onto the ton of coats on the hangers.

„Evening!“ He greeted joyfully, as he stepped into the door to the living room, in which everyone by now had settled.

„I am super sorry, guys. I actually took a wrong bus to a wrong bus stop and that cost me at least 40 minutes. Also my phone kinda died on me, could I charge it somewhere?“ He explained his late arrival and handed the phone to Aaron, who had offered to connect it to a charger by the bookshelf.

„Eh, right, so to everyone who hasn’t met me yet, Im Lucas from the Netherlands. Hi! I’m really happy that I could join you today. Thank you so much for the invitation. Jens took the beer. Not sure if it was the wrong decision to leave him alone with the alcohol though, but now it’s too late.“ There wasn’t really any ice to break between them, but a little joke did seem to be a good choice, considering having 11 people stare straight up at the new boy. Most he already knew from school, but not all of them.

„I like him.“ Milan declared first and got up from his spot, to walk over and pull him into a hug.

„You aren’t gay by any chance?“ He asked confidently, leaning into the dutch boy, who didn’t quite moved away, but certainly looked to do so any second now.

„Milan! Lucas is here for one minute and already probably regrets having come in the first place, let him actually get to know all of us first. Poor Robbe last year and now this guy. Also, underage. Shame on you.“ Jens passed Lucas to blow a kiss on Milan’s cheek and pull him away by his hand. He went to join Sander and Robbe on the other end of the room, not before briefly turning around, to wink at Lucas. In return Jens was greeted with Lucas mouthing back in silence:

Thank you.

To be honest, he just really didn’t like another guy making advances on Lucas. Not that he was actually sure that the dutch boy was really into guys, but he feared he wouldn’t have wanted a girl for Lucas either.

„Well, I’m Senne. And no worries, I’m definitely not gonna make a move on you, though with Milan around you should get used to it. I’m Zoë’s boyfriend by the way.“ He introduced himself first before Zoë next to him went on to take over. „Well the guys from school you are familiar with. And Milan you just met. Eh, the boy next to Robbe is Sander. Robbe’s boyfriend.“

„Oh him, I know. We are in on a two-day-deep conversation about music. Or should I say argument.“ Lucas interrupted while sending a salute over to Sander. Much to everyone’s surprise. Well Robbe seemed to have known, but to Jens that was news. All they had exchanged where two emberrasing ‘hellos’.

„Okay, great, than that just leaves Noor, who sits next to them. Robbe’s ex-girllfriend.“ Zoë added, as if that wasn’t a wierd thing to say, and then gestured him to join Senne and her. „You are on our team.“ She explained and pushed a bowl aside so Lucas had space to fit somewhere. This room was most definitely too small to host 13 people. 

„Welcome, welcome!“ Milan began, standing up and doing a little bow in greeting. The born entertainer, as he then presented the room with a white board, listing all the teams on it, as well as some space to count points.

Robbe, Sander, Jens.

Zoe, Senne, Lucas.

Amber, Aaron, Yasmina

Noor, Moyo, Luca

„So, if you haven’t decided on a team name yet, you have until half past six. Roughly 30 minutes starting now. Til then, you can also grab something to eat and drink from the kitchen. We have four categories to complete, but we will have a break after the second. Buffet open and don’t get too drunk too early, I guess.“

And off the teens went.

They lost that night.

Not that they ever had a chance of winning, with Jens and Robbe being absolutely useless to Sander. Who tried his hardest to make up for it on his own, while the two boys giggled and joked at almost every question they got, not having the slightest clue what to answer. 

They ranked dead last, at a solid 41 out of 100 points.

It took Robbe an outright minute of pecking kisses all over Sander’s face to get his boyfriend back into a better mood. Still Sander sat cross-legged hung up in a deep sulk, yet smirking lightly at their devestating failure written across the white board.  
  
Jens didn’t mind their loss at all, as he watched Lucas squeak in his pure childish excitment over the annoucement of his team’s win. 94 points. Zoe, Senne and him jumping up and down in a group hug, celebrating, even though all they had won was a ‘Milan is the best’ coffee mug.

## End of week 1

(Lonely Star by Oh Wonder)

* * *

_I really hope you liked it thus far and that you are interested in more._

_I'm trying to keep it close to the world we are currently living in. But here and there I won't follow all rules regarding corona or other events that the end of 2020 has in store for us. I'm also not living in Belgium, so even though Germany is close enough, the way schools, vacations and other things work, may not be exactly correct. I hope you can forgive me._

_Stay safe and healthy and thank you again for reading!!_

_VDS is a ship I will die on..._


	2. Familiär - Week 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to week 2

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Familiär - Week 2

### Oct 31th, Saturday 10:03

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633481569717370880/oct-31th-saturday-1003)

### Oct 31th, Saturday 15:27

„So here we are. Casa Stoffels.“ Jens provided happily, as they stepped into the open space, kitchen and dinning space to their right and living room on their left. And right infront of them on the floor on spread out pages of newspaper sat Robbe, Sander, Milan and Lotte. Already deeply indulged into their craft, drawing shapes and discussing designs. Knives, tools, pens and four orange pumpkins of various sizes placed in their center. 

The fifth one was currently infront of Lotte, who had taken the space next to Sander. And Jens swore to god, sometimes this boy just didnt think things through.

„Sander, you do not give my eight-year old sister a big fat sharp knife to carve into a pumpkin. And herself while she’s at it.”

„She has to learn to do it at one point.“ Sander tried to defend casually shrugging, not yet having let go of the handle of the knife, he was about to press into Lotte’s tiny hand. His sister was looking up at Jens too, almost pleading to be allowed to do it. 

„Yes, but not at eight.“ Jens insisted and then continued directly at his little sister: „Sander, can cut it open and you can hollow it out like last year, okay? Maybe you can try and help to cut some pumpkin for the soup later?“

That seemed enough to please Lotte as she happily nodded, agreeing to Jens completely, before turning back to Sander. This girl loved Sander so much. Mainly because he was always playing and fooling around with her when he was over. He remembered the huge blanket fort they had set up in her room last winter. A massive structure that englufed all furniture and stood for weeks. 

Or the one weekend, when Sander still went through the end of a depressive phase, Lotte had offered her bed to him, and then talked, and read her two-graders school work to the sad boy all day long. 

Or the one day when they spend hours online on Zoom, him rating all her drawings. 

It was great actually, because it meant that Jens and Robbe had lots of time to themselfes when they all met up. And Sander really seemed to enjoy his time with Lotte quite a bit too.

Just as he was about to ask what Lucas would like to drink, in order to be a good host and also make Lucas feel welcomed, Robbe and Milan had greeted the newly arrived boy, who replied explaining the spontaneous invitation by Jens last night. That made Lotte spun around surprised. Apparently she hadn’t noticed Lucas standing in their house at all.

„Who are you? You sound funny.“ She inquired blunt and straight forward as only a child could. 

„I’m Lucas, a new friend of your brother from school. I’m from the Netherlands actually.“ Lucas introduced himself yet again this week. He seemed a bit taken aback as she had adressed his dutch accent, but certainly amused by the little girl, who thought long about his answer and then smiled up at him.

„Okay, I’m Lotte. You can share Jens’s pumkin then.“ She decided, making everyone laugh and her instead very confused why it had prompted such a reaction.

„Sounds like a really good idea, Lotte.“ Jens agreed as soon as he had calmed down again.

„Only if I get to draw the face. You probably can’t draw shit and I’m not having an ugly ass pumpkin for Halloween.“ Lucas said leaning over just a bit towards Jens, his elbow poking his side, which made Jens suddenly realise how close they were actually standing. He turned his head just enough to find the smile he liked so much on those pretty lips. They were way too close for his comfort, especially having his sister and friends watching them.

„Sure.“ Jens barely managed to get out and then with a bit more confidence pointed towards the kitchen counter, that showed a huge glass carafe, filled to the brim. „Would you like something to drink?“

„What do you have?“ Lucas asked as they both made their way over, the others back to their task of carving the pumpkins. Only Robbe had thrown them another brief glance, Jens had noted, a bit worried if he had made his nervousness too obvious perhaps. Robbe knew him too well to not see that Jens was acting a bit off at times.

„I’ve made ice tea.“ Jens stated as he grabbed a couple of glasses from the cabinet across, placing them beside the carafe, for the others to take later as well.

„You? You made it?“ Lucas asked looking impressed and Jens felt even more proud now, that he could surprise Lucas like that, as it honestly was just ice tea. Lotte probably could have done it. He didn’t mind the boy‘s praise though.

„Yes, my mom used to do it all the time, she taught me and now I’m the ice tea chef or however you wanna call it. It is basically just green tea, with some roasted rice, and added apple and elderflower. And some honey.“ Jens explained brightly, pouring two glasses and handing one to Lucas. Their hands touched. Obviously they would, no wait they really wouldn’t. Why was Jens so affected by it? He couldn’t help himself though and watched the glass instead, as it was been brought to Lucas’s lips, who in turn never took his eyes off of Jens. Shouldn’t this be wierd? 

„Wow. This is really good. I love it. I guess I’ll move in now, knowing you are amazing at ice tea making.“ He teased grinning like an idiot and Jens just stood there, absolutely overwhelmed and even a bit insecure for fuck’s sake. He never was that. He was Jens. Jens was confident and cocky and brazen at times. Now he didn’t know what to do with himself. 

„Already moving in, isn’t that a bit hasty, shouldn’t you take me out on a date first?“ Thank god for years of flirting experience and cheesy lines, his brain seemed to still be working, even if his body has decided to fail him, as he spilled half his drink as he had tried to put his glass back down.

„Shit.“ He mumbled, already grabbing for the paperr towel by the kitchen sink.

„Let me.“ Lucas appeared directly behind him. Jens could feel the heat radiating from the boy’s body, as he reached around him, taking it from the counter. He knew if he would lean back just a little, he would fall into the body of Lucas. A thought he found way too alluring to have on a saturday afternoon, with guests just across the room. And then Lucas was gone.

„Thank you.“ Jens said smiling anyway, ignoring the little dissapointment in their distance again, as they both cleaned up the tea.

„Could you bring us some spoons, to cave them out?“ Milan asked, looking over, presenting them with his pumpkin he held high up into the air. A proper halloween pumpkin face was outlined on it’s deep orange skin and it reminded him, that they actually were doing the whole pumpkin carving thing.

„Will do.“ Jens replied loudly, already opening the drawer to pull them out.

„Alright, Mister Artist, let’s see what you can do.“ He winked at Lucas, feeling much more poised to handle having the dutch boy here, and walked over. Followed close by Lucas, who plopped down next to him once Jens had taken his place in the circle.

„No, this is your pumpkin!“ Lotte complained pointing towards the flattest one in the middle, when Lucas had dared to take the tall one next to it. „This one is mine, Sander had promised me to put a witch and a cat on it.“ She explained, as if Lucas was dumb and it was common knowledge.

„What the hell are you doing, Robbe?“ Sander questioned his boyfriends dotted pumpkin, pecking a kiss at his cheek, delighted. Only recieving a wiggle of brows in response and a short: „You will see.“

„Am I the only one doing a traditional face here?“ Milan feigned hurt and looked between their designs that started taking shape.

„What can I help it, if you are just as uninspired as most of the boring people on this earth. Bad gay.“

„Sander! Very thin ice, my friend. I am the one on the rental agreement for the flat, that you decided was your new residence.“

„No, I love you, Milan. For real. Promise. Don’t kick me out.“

„Asshole, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You are lucky I love my little Robbe too much to put him on the street. Because I swear to god, this boy would follow you right out, if I dared.“

„Good to know.“

„You better not use that as leverage in the future.“

„I wouldn’t even dream about it.“

Maybe not having a big, loud halloween party this year wasn’t as bad, Jens thought only half listening. Instead he observed Lucas intently drawing a scary set of teeth onto the pumpkin, biting his lip in concentration. While Milan and Sander went on teasing each other, in an endless cycle of jabs and quips, much to Robbe’s and Lotte’s entertainment. 

Yes, maybe Jens could get used to this quiet bliss.

### Oct 31th, Saturday 19:40

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633517820523773953/oct-31th-saturday-1940)

### Nov 1st, Sunday 09:11

Rain pounding against the window. A slow steady rythm. And a hazy greyish tint lay over the serene room of the awoken boy in bed, buried under thick covers. He blinked his heavy eyes open, not yet having caught enough sleep to feel the energy to do anything more than that.

It took him a moment to recall the date, sunday. Given it was still pretty dark inside his room, he guessed it to be fairly early. Or maybe the clouds outside his window just didnt allow for more light. And he would be lying if he didn’t appreciate hiding in a halfshadow, as he looked into the calm sleeping face of Lucas. 

Jens didn’t remember them falling asleep that close to each other, after they all had basically stumbled tired and worn out into bed last night. Time and curfew forgotten and all of them deciding on a spontaneous sleep over. He barely had been able to catch a glimpse of Lucas pulling off his socks and jeans, before crawling into bed, while Jens got his sister her beloved pillow to cuddle.

There was some rustling coming from the foot of the bed, on the floor, on three matresses from Lotte and their mom, Milan, Sander and Robbe had made themselves comfortable. He listened carefully in order to pick out if someone else was awake like him, but figured that they in fact were still fast asleep, leaving Jens to appreciate that this moment was his only.

It came daringly close to how he felt waking up next to Jana, without the low guilt of cheating on Britt, that had broken them up in the end. Instead there was a different feeling of sadness settling in his heart. It wasn’t really sadness though, it was something else, but then it wasn’t and Jens couldn’t find a word to settle on to describe it.

He watched the face of Lucas. He shouldn’t find a boy’s face as attractive as he did. Not that he couldn’t appreciate a beautiful man, but it didn’t came with a desire to touch or kiss said man. Jens really tried hard to think back to an instance in his life, where he might have pushed these thoughts away in favor for falling for girls only. Some sort of internalised fear of feelings for people of his own sex. But there weren’t any and it drove him crazy. It meant it shouldn’t be any different to waking up to all his other male friends. And yet...

Jens closed his eyes and imagined all the mornings he woke up next to Robbe, they were the closest friends for years, constantly touching and hugging, did he ever felt attracted to him in that way? He thought his friend looked good, yes. And that he felt some love for him, yes. Would he want to kiss Robbe? Probably not. Would he have kissed Robbe back if his friend would have tried to? Maybe, but than no, no he didn’t think so? It was confusing to reconstruct old memories.

As Jens pulled himself out of his thoughts with a pained expression on his face, he found the worried blue eyes of Lucas watching him thoughtfully, biting his bottom lip as he so often did in contemplation.

„Nightmare?“ Came the faint whisper and than an attentive hand from under the blanket to brush away a strand of hair on his forhead.

Jens fortunetely remembered that breathing was a crucial part of living and tried to do just that, before shaking his head slightly. 

„Good.“ Lucas mouthed with a vague smile on his lips not yet convinced, his hand sinking onto the pillow between their faces, next to Jens’s. So why the fuck wouldn’t he move his fingers slightly over. If Lucas would have been a girl, he wouldn’t have thought twice about it. He probably would have taken him out on wendsday already. The first step is the hardest. Jens’s mind provided this stupid universally applicable line, that sounded cheesy and overused and nonethelss true.

He was a coward he knew that, but even stretching his hand out, so that their plams flat on the soft fabric below would cause their little fingers to touch, seemed like a huge accomplishment right now. They weren’t even close to hold hands. This as well may just have been a sheer accident.

Lucas’s open blue eyes darted surprised towards their touching fingers and back up at Jens searching for his gaze, with a question between them, both didn’t dare to ask. Not even in the comfort of an early quiet morning. Rather Lucas lifted his little finger to intertwine them, swallowing nervously, as he did so with caution. He was scared, Jens knew, because he was just as much afraid of crossing a line. The beating of his heart, and the blood rushing through his body swallowed up any sound of the rain, he had heard so clearly a minute ago.

There was just them, and them almost holding hands.

Jens curved his finger around Lucas’s, putting some pressure in it, just to reassure the boy that he wants this too. And it seemed to work, as the tension in their bodies diminished, leaving them to study each other faces in a comfortable silence. 

There didn’t need to be words to understand each other in this second. Jens knew that it would leave him restless once they would leave this moment behind them. He knew he would have to seriously start question his sexuality, and everything that would probably happen from here on out. But for now he could push the panic in the back of his mind off to deal with later.

Good luck to future him.

„Ow. Fuck“ Jens cursed under his breath wincing, not wishing to wake anybody else, but it did catapult both of them back into the reality of this room they shared with four other people, oblivious to this promising discovery between them.

Lucas’s gleeful snort let Jens send him a pissed off look, before he turned his head as far behind him as he could without letting go of the merest gentle touch between them. He saw his sister with his phone in his hand watching him innocently. As if she hadn’t dug her tiny sharp knee into his back just now.

„You are awake. Can we have breakfast?“ Lotte quietly asked, blinking up at him, knowing she already had won this. Apparently she also was convinced she had woken him up and that was just fine with Jens. He didn’t need his sister to belabour him with questions. Especially if he didn’t really know the answers to them himself.

„How late is it?“ He whispered and was promptly presented with his bright lit up phone screen.

9:43

He guessed it was actually an approbiate time to have breakfast and nodded.

„Alright, let’s go.“ The words barely left his lips, when his sister was sitting up and out of his bed, tip toeing around his room to get out, without stepping and waking the three boys on the floor.

Jens looked back at Lucas who smiled and whispered delighted: „I’m actually getting quite hungry myself, so I think Lotte has great timing. And after the pumpkin soup from last night, I can only imagine what feast we are gonna have today.“

„You are an idiot, you know that.“

„Yes.“ Lucas affirmed happily smiling away. This was unfair. Now Jens felt the explicit need to actually dish out a great breakfast and impress this dumb dutch boy.

„Fine.“ Jens agreed, feeling weird breaking off the shared bare minimum of human contact, as he withdrew his hand in favor of getting up. As did Lucas behind him, stretching and about to collect his things from the floor. When he was hit by a pair of grey sweats, that Jens had thrown in his general direction, putting a pair on himself. He shrugged at Lucas, trying for a nonchalant look, while moving over to his room door, that stood slightly open from Lotte’s escape.

On the floor was Milan rolled up into a ball of a body and a blanket, only his head sticking out. And right beside him Robbe tangled around Sander, who didn’t seemed to mind loosing all his senses in his body apparently. Or maybe he was just different, because Jens could very well recall all the times his arms and legs had fallen asleep under the weight of a girl half on top of him. 

Jens smiled at them regardless, maybe one day he could have that too again. He kinda missed it.

„You coming?“ He heard Lucas whisper at him from the doorway, looking very pretty with his untidy bed hair and in Jens’s sweats. He seemed to be just as happy watching the couple to Jens’s feet as he waited for Jens to follow him down to the kitchen. 

The were almost there when Jens felt Lucas taking his hand, squeezing it before letting go again, to help Lotte, who was about to climb on the counter to get some tea cups out.

„Wait, wait! I can do that. I get the plates and stuff and you can set the table instead, okay?“

Jens stood there for the moment it took him to work through his storm of emotions again. Why did he feel just so much these days, be it good or bad? This wasn’t normal. But he seemed to feel every emotion just double as much as usual. Everything triggered a whirlwind of thoughts and it scared him. What if this would never stop?

He swallowed it down, settling for a smile instead and went over to join them.

„Say, can Mister Chef here also do some american pancakes for his dutch starving guest?“

„You bet.“ He smirked at the challenging amused look Lucas threw him over the shoulder. Playfully smacking the boy’s head, Jens shoved him away from the oven, in order to prepare the best breakfast the six had in their lives. 

Well at least as great as their fridge and pantry allowed for.

### Nov 1st, Sunday 14:17

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633590257721524224/nov-1st-sunday-1417)

### Nov 1st, Sunday 18:35

„We should definitely meet up tuesday. Maybe Sander can take some shots of us for youtube.“ Robbe suggested exited, halfway into his coat as they stood gathered in the tiny hallway at the entrance ready to leave. His mother would be back at 8:30 and Jens needed to still clean up the mess they left. Dirty plates and cups and glasses strewn around the living room, they all had spent the whole afternoon in.

„Can I come too?“ 

„If you can convince mom or me to ditch piano class...“ Jens reminded his little sister, who currently stood next to Sander and Milan waiting on Robbe to be done. She looked at him through big eyes. Must have forgotten about it then, he figured, even though it was a weekly thing.

Jens opened the door, Sander and Robbe hugging his little sister tightly, promising to be back soon again. She laughed at something Sander whispered into her ear, making Jens very suspicious as to what this was about, but then he went on to take Robbe’s hand stepping outside.

„Eh, is Lucas not coming as well, he probably needs to get the bus too, right?“ Milan asked throwing a searching look over Jens, to see if he could spot the dutch boy still inside.

„He is getting his jeans, I think.“ Jens said unsure, as Lucas seemed to take his damn time at it. Milan in response only nodded unquestioning the odd reason provided, before he continued: „Well, we’ll go then. The bus should leave in six minutes and Zoë is waiting with dinner. I hope that’s cool with Lucas? Tell him sorry, okay?“

„Will do.“ Jens promised with a wave to send them off as they crossed the little front yard and vanished out of sight down the street. Turning around he found his sister running off towards the stairs, where Lucas came down to join her at it’s foot.

„You just missed them, if you run you can probably catch up.“ She explained pointing towards the door. Lucas instead smiled at her shaking his head.

„I’ll take the next one in 20 minutes. I really don’t want to run.“ He explained, glancing over to Jens as if he wanted to communicate more to him, than what he had said out loud. Jens didn’t get it really though. Was he missing something important?

The six of them had had a long breakfast and afterwards all of them had moved towards the sofa. Jens and Lucas taking the floor instead, sitting close together. Close enough that they could exchange the occasional touch of knees, or shoulders, or hands, or anything really. Ít didn’t quite matter in the end. They all joked and talked and watched cartoons, some skating videos on youtube thrown into the mix. Lotte and Sander had started drawing at one point, after him and Robbe had cuddled for hours it seemed. Keeping it child friendly though. Lucky for them, because Jens would have killed them, if they hadn’t. Not that he did assume they would forget about Lotte being around, but then it was Sander and Robbe.

„I’m gonna take the drawings to my room.“ Lotte announced loudly storming off to collect said papers from the living room floor, before she hurried up the stairs. Lucas meanwhile had went over towards the kitchen, opening up the dish washer.

„And what are you doing?“ Jens asked raising his brows amused as he leaned against the kitchen table, on top of it all the carved pumpkins staring at him. They had done a great job yesterday Jens thought.

„Eh. I don’t think it’s fair to leave you on your own to clean up. I’m really good at it. See!“ 

„I can indeed see that.“ Jens snorted, as Lucas proceeded to slowly but deliberatly put one plate after the other on the dish rack, looking up at Jens each time he did so. 

„Alright, I guess you proved to be useful to have around. I concede and instead go and collect the stuff from the living room.“ Hands up to signal his defeat he walked backwards, watching Lucas grin at him.

There it was again, the feeling of wanting to kiss the boy in front of him, so before it could grow further, Jens turned away, to keep his word and get everything to the kitchen.

They definitely forgot about Lucas having to catch the bus, so instead of the next one, it was decided to take the one after. The dishwasher nonetheless had been filled and turned on, all pillows collected and taken back to were they had come from. Lucas even had helped Jens with the matrasses in his room.

And thus they now found themselves standing akward in the hallway of the entrance. Lucas already dressed in shoes and jacket, looking at Jens nervously.

They still had three minutes left.

„Uhm, thank you again for the invitation.“ Lucas said smilingly brushing through his hair with one hand. „Also wanted to let you know that I’ll be visiting my friends in Utrecht next weekend. I’m leaving on friday already. Somehow thought you should know that.“

Jens appreciated that greatly, if it wasn’t for the fact that it meant they couldn’t meet up next weekend. Not that they had anything planned or talked about. He just had assumed Lucas would be here for his upcoming birthday. This reminded him.

„Fuck, unlucky timing, I guess. I’m turning eighteen on friday. So I guess I won’t be able to invite you for the little gathering at the flatshare.“

Lucas whole happy face fell at Jens’s words, almost in disbelief.

„You serious?“

„Yup.“ Jens said, popping the ‘p’ as he scratched his neck and tried for a reassuring smile. „Honestly, it’s cool. With everything going on, it is just the broerrrs and the guys from the flatshare. Nothing fancy, so it is not like you are missing out on a big celebration.“

„Still, I hate that I can’t be there.“ Lucas seemed to want to say something else, but reconsidered instead, pulling out his phone to check the time.

„You should go or you’ll miss this bus as well.“ Jens broke the silence, taking a step forward to open the door for Lucas as he had done before for the others.

Lucas nodded not quite leaving yet. Rather he took hold of Jens’s hand again, like he had this morning, looking at him all earnest with his smile back on his lips.

„We’ll celebrate once I’m back. Promise. Just the two of us. If you’d want that of course.“ If they wouldn’t stand as close as they did, Jens may have not been able to understand the whispered words at him. And god was he glad he did, because it send a happieness through his body, he hadn’t feld in ages.

„I’d really like that.“

„Great. See you tomorrow, then.“ Lucas said, letting go of Jens to catch his bus in time. He definitely had to hurry by now, so Jens didn’t hold him back, even though he wanted too. He really, really wanted to. But his mother was already on her way back home from her friend’s place, so this was probably for the best. 

Only when he couldn’t see the boy jog down the street any longer did he close the door. It was then that he realised that they sort of had a date the week after his birthday. Or maybe not.

No, he was pretty sure they agreed on a date.

It took him five minutes from his realisation to him actually moving again to get dinner ready.

A date.

With Lucas.

He was fucked.

### Nov 2nd, Monday 14:06

Jens was just on his way to head back to the classroom, after having texted his mom about the left overs in the oven from last night, when a hand pulled him around a corner.

Confused he looked at the shyly smiling round face of the girl, before she got onto her toes and proceeded to kiss him right there and then. Truth be told, it felt fucking good to be kissed and for a moment he reciprocated her advances, openening his lips, so he could feel her tounge against his. It actually was also quite hot to be pushed back against a wall. Out of reflex more than anything, his hands found her waist, but instead of pulling her closer he pushed her slightly away. Breaking them apart.

This was wrong. All of it felt wrong, it dawned on him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t liked her body under his fingers, her soft lips tasting after sweet lip gloss, and her breasts pressing against his chest. In fact he quite enjoyed that. Always had. It was what had gotten him off, just thinking about where else it could lead to. But at the same time, he didn’t want that at all. Not when he spent most his nights nowadays thinking about a face that was all hard edges, and slim, and perfect really. But most importantly not a girl’s.

Shaking his head to get the thoughts out of his mind and the image far, far back into the tiny corner it had crawled out of, he looked at the girl in front of him. She regarded him with a puzzled and expecting look. Strands of dark hair falling into her face. And who could blame her really, the last time they saw each other, he had his hand up her skirt, while making out on an empty bed, with a promise to maybe have more another time.

„Sorry, but I don’t think, this is gonna be a thing between us.“ He tried, knowing damn well how much of an asshole he sounded. Especially having kissed her back right now. But he just wanted her to get it. Instead she leaned back, looking at him still confused. And slightly angry.

„Are you kidding me? Is that why you didn’t answer my text? I thought this was mutual last time and that you liked it. We don’t have to be a couple to have some fun, wasn’t that what you had said?“

Fuck. He forgot about all of that. To his defense he was drunk, and high. Like really high. That didn’t explain though the text he had gotten, read, never answered and forgotten all about on the same day.

„Camila, I don’t know what to say here. Really it was a party and we had some fun, and you are super pretty and cute and nice, I just...“

„Just, what? Have a girlfriend? Another girl you try to make jealous? A crazy ex?“ She bombarded him with suggestions, that all were wrong, because none of them included Lucas appearing in his life.

„No, I’m just not interested and I’m not going to lead you on. Seriously, I’m sorry.“

She sighed, the dissapointment and sadness appearing in her expression over the realisation that Jens just wasn’t into her. He took his hands off of her waist, as she withdrew hers from his chest to take a larger step back.

„Well, shit. Because I really liked you, you know.“

„Sorry.“ He repeated like a broken record, not sure what else to say to her as she shook her head.

„No, thank you for letting me know at least. And I’m sorry for suddenly attacking you, I guess. A text would have been nice though, nonetheless. Instead of leaving me hanging, wondering what I have done wrong, like an idiot.“

„I’d definitely change that, if I could. I just didn’t think about it as much. It was a simple hook-up.“

„Oh great, that’s exactly what a girl likes to hear.“ She scoffed, a smile on her lips, that never reached the rest of her face being still sad, so fucking sad and it affected him too. He didn’t mean to hurt this girl. Especially her being here for two month, in a country she has never been to before, without family and friends around. He was such an ass.

„Ehm, if you ever need help though, you can ask anytime. You have my number, right?“ Jens tried to be friendly. Not that he expected them to become friends, but just so she wouldn’t think he didn’t care about her feelings in this at all. He wasn’t sure he conveyed that though. Probably not.

„Thanks, but no. I’m good. I don’t think I need that. Well,“ Camila said, grabbing her bag, that Jens now noticed she had thrown next to his feet by the wall behind him. She looked at him a last time, nodding towards him, as a sort of goodbye: „See you around, I guess.“

„See you around.“ He replied, smiling at her and recieving a more genuine smile of her in return, before she vanished down the hallway. He buried his face in his hands for a moment to come back to reality and to this school day. Right. Class would be starting shortly, he should head back like he had planned to do before Camlia appeared.

As he arrived in his classroom, an already too excited Moyo jumped up from his and Robbe’s table, grinning at him from ear to ear.

„Nicely done! Securing yourself the hot spanish exchange student. I just told the others that I saw you two down the hall. Good for you, bro!“

Jens felt his as if a train had just hit him, as he stared at his friend in complete and utter shock. He could only imagine what words Moyo had used to describe the kiss. Always in the dirtiest exaggerations possible. Usually it was funny, but not this time. This couldn’t be happening. Moyo was supposed to be here in this room the whole time. He couldn’t have seen it. Why would he assume that what he had seen was a sign of dating Camila. That is of course if he had even seen anything beside Jens sticking his tounge down her throat. 

His gaze drifted over, finding Robbe and Aaron smirking at him, just as brightly. Of course they would. These two had seen Jens’s hand exploring Camila’s body, before he had directed them both away from the ongoing party. They had just as much tried to convince him to find a girl and try dating again over the last months after the lockdown ended.

He almost didn’t want to look further at all. He didn’t want to see the expression on the one face he had rather kissed in an unoccupied corner of the school’s hallway.

But Lucas didn’t grin at him, he didn’t even looked hurt or pissed. He just watched Jens with a complete neutral face, giving none of his thoughts or feelings away. 

And maybe, just maybe this was even worse.

„Look at him being all shocked we found out.“ Aaron blurted out, amused it sounded like, he guessed. Because Jens couldn’t take his eyes off of Lucas. He was the only important person in his world right now. Especially after yesterday felt like getting somewhere. Jens needed to clear things up, fast.

„I’m not with her. There is absolutely nothing going on between us.“ He stated in the most cliche way. He hated himself for it. All of it was directed towards Lucas, who stared at him just as intensly. Whatever words came out of his mouth, none of them were destined for his best friends, all of them belonged entirely to Lucas. Him alone.

„We kind of hooked up one night at the party, absolutely wasted, and she kind of had it in her head that there was more going on between us, so she pulled me into a kiss. And yes I did kiss her back briefly, but I pushed her away once my brain caught up to it. I told her right away, this was nothing. Because I’m really,“ And now he may just sound a bit desperate, but he simply needed Lucas to understand, „really not interested in her. Not even to just hook up again.“

Jens never got a reply to his frenetic attempt to sort this out, as the teacher just had walked in behind him, telling everyone to find their seats immidiately and pull out their homework from last week.

The bell rung.

So Jens tore his eyes off of the dutch boy, who had wordlessly broken their eye contact first in order to get to his table two rows behind Robbe and his.

Robbe had stopped grinning midway sensing the sincerety in Jens’s speech, possibly noting his inner turmoil too. Unlike Aaron and Moyo that just nodded along still excited, not believing a word he said. 

He found Robbe had patted his thigh under the table as they had sat down and Jens couldn’t do more then look down on his homework in front of him. He felt sick.

Fuck.

### Nov 2nd, Monday 16:34

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633688056724062208/nov-2nd-monday-1634)

### Nov 3rd, Tuesday 17:09

The sun was setting already, as it turned darker by the minute. Pretty soon they wouldn’t have enough light to continue shooting, but after close to two and a half hours, they probably had enough to work with anyway.

“Are you really sure though, I mean it would be quite sad to let her slip through your fingers. I’d definitely would go for it.“

„Then do it, Moyo, I don’t care. For the one thousands time. I. Am. Not. Interested! Geez.“ Jens groaned loudly, almost glad that this was over and he could head home soon, he didn’t even knew why he was here. He should have stayed away and left right after Physics. 

But then he knew why. He had promised Robbe to come. Who was so excited that Sander could join to do their video and take some cool photos while at it, that Jens didn’t had it in his heart to cancel. And yes the footage looked awesome. Any other day he’d be more then stocked to have this. 

I only if it wasn’t for Sander asking Lucas to join them in front of school, so he could take some photos of him as well, as apparently Sander knew how much Lucas liked to skate. Because of course Sander knew. They were chatting on instagram. Unlike Jens and Lucas.

Jens had tried to formulate anything really to send to Lucas, but deleted it all instantly. It all sounded cliche and awful. He wouldn’t believe himself.

„I think you actually should. Maybe something comes from it, what is the worst she could say? No?“ Aaron suggested to Moyo after Jens had given up on talking to them. And starting now, listening to them too. He was busy watching Lucas from his place sitting on the stone wall overlooking the half pipe. The dutch boy was really great actually, so much so, that apparently Sander already had the shot he wanted. Him, Robbe and Lucas all huddled around the camera display talking enthusiastically over each other.

He hadn’t had a single chance yet to talk to Lucas alone. The boy had disappeared out of the class room right as the school bell had rung yesterday. And today they didn’t had a period together til P.E. and then Physics. But for some damn joke of the universe Jens wasn’t in on, all three of the broerrrs seemed to have been stuck to him, as they just were around constantly.Lucas also appeared fine. He laughed and joked and talked just like any other day, with the dreadful difference that he didn’t sit or walked next to Jens, as he had done every day before. He stood with Aaron the whole time in P.E. and after school sticked to Sander, happily chatting away.

He looked absolutely fine, when it was anything but.

It was frustrating. 

Jens was sure, he would have preferred it if Lucas had avoided him and his group altogether, this felt like torture.

And as if this couldn’t get any worse, they wouldn’t have in person classes until presumably december. Effective immidiately the news reported an hour ago. It meant that maybe today was his last chance to see and talk to Lucas, outside of unhelpful future Zoom classes.

Fuck Corona.

Not really, numbers where high and given his mothers state, he probably shouldn’t meet people anyway, even though his mother insisted that Jens should not neglect his social life just because of her. At least he didn’t have to explain his absense from school tomorrow. He could just say he ditched online classes. They had done so over summer quite a bit anyway.

Shouldn’t the three boys be on their way back over by now? Jens thought observing them standing close to each other, camera forgotten, hanging from Sander’s left shoulder. He couldn’t see Lucas really, the boy standing with his back towards Jens. But it seemed like a serious conversation, as Robbe and Sander listened intently. Out of nowhere it appeared like, Robbe suddenly pulled Lucas into a tight hug, his arms slung around the boys body saying something into Lucas’s ear, while Sander looked sympathetically at the pair, beginning to stroke the dutch boy’s back. 

Was Lucas crying?

Shit.

Was it Jens’s fault? Did Lucas tell them? What would they think about Jens now?

It had just been a dumb kiss yesterday. A kiss Jens didn’t mean. Surely it couldn’t be as bad, right? 

Right?

Aaron and Moyo apparently noticed the scene finally as well, as they got up concerned, grabbing their boards. And pulling Jens with them, while they were at it, over towards Sander and Robbe comforting Lucas.

Realising they were on their way to join them, Robbe seemed to let Lucas know, as the boy suddenly straightened his back, his hands wiping away tears possibly, as he got out of their embrace. Yet Sander’s hand remained on Lucas’s back just between his shoulder blades.

He definitely had cried, Jens noted, as the boy desperately tried to swallow down the soft sobs that didn’t quite had stopped yet.

„Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s actually okay. Just emotional is all.“ Lucas apologised with a genuine smile on his lips. Jens was at least pretty sure it wasn’t a lie and so seemed Aaron and Moyo to take it too. Both of them patting Lucas’s arm.

„Bro, don’t do this. I was actually thinking someone died or something. But yes Sander’s pictures can have that effect on people.“ Aaron joked in an effort to lighten the mood, shaking his head at the dutch boy, who seemed to feel already a little better.

„What happened though?“ Moyo inquired, but was left unanswered as Robbe interrupted and began to talk instead.

„While you are all here. Sander and me actually wanted to say goodbye anyway, we still have to buy groceries and stop at the pharmacy. And if I remember correctly on our way here Lucas had said to join us for dinner, or did you change your mind?“

Lucas shook his head at Robbe’s question, after they had exchanged a Glace at each other. And it dawned on Jens that this was just his best friend trying to get Lucas out of here. For what ever reason Jens could only guess. He simply prayed he wasn’t it.

Well, now or never.

„Lucas? Could we just talk for a minute?“ Jens was so sure that it would not happen, that when the dutch boy told the others to already go, that the two would catch up to them, he looked at Lucas bewildred. 

And the others did. Not without throwing them an odd look before doing so.

„This wasn’t about anything that had happened between us, if you were worried about that.“ Lucas answered the question Jens hadn’t even thought of beeing able to bring up, as soon as they were left out of ear-shot. But it certainly eased his anxiety by a lot.

„Okay.“ 

„So?“ 

Jens mind went blank. He had planned about what to say to Lucas for over a day, that now, as the boy had asked, the words had completely left Jens. Great.

„I just wanted to make sure that we are cool, I guess. I... I wanted you to know that I don’t wish to see that girl again. I’m not sure what Moyo told you he saw, but it quite certainly didn’t happen.“ Jens voice was shaking a little. Lucas simply sighed exhausted, looking past Jens over his shoulder, without looking at anything at all. Just avoiding Jens’s gaze for a moment, before focusing back on him.

„Alright. Are we done here? I don’t want to let Sander and Robbe wait for me longer.“

Jens nodded unsatisfied, unable to think of anything else to say. He followed Lucas in silence as he walked straight towards the bus stop, at which the others stood and waited. 

They all bid each other goodbye, promising to text regarding Jens’s birthday.

Jens already knew he hated nothing more than upcoming friday. Hate wasn’t even the right feeling, If he was fucking honest, he was incredibly anxious over turning eighteen in three days to the point he felt ill thinking about it.

What he wouldn’t give to stop time.

### Nov 3rd, Tuesday 22:09

[(insta post/chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633799175717470208/nov-3rd-tuesday-2209)

### Nov 4th, Wednesday 18:42

„Looks like we’ve got all of the important issues covered for today. This would be the very last paper for you to sign. Right...eh down here.“ 

Jens got handed another document, that looked like the dozens that came before it. The pen still in hand, he nodded and put his signature on the line at the very bottom.

„I know this is a lot, but trust me, Jens, you definitely want it all to be handled before it will become necessary and be hurried over last minute.“ 

He put the pen down, taking his copy to keep upstairs in his room, as the lawyer proceeded to begin to fill his briefcase with a thick binder. A white sticker on it reading:

2020 Stoffels, Helena & Jens

„Thank you so much, Alex, honestly, for everything.“ His mother said, sitting under a blanket on the sofa, while Jens and their lawyer Alexander De Waele sat on the floor across the low couch table.

Jens felt drained, his brain was done for, he was sure of it. One more page to read and he’d be ready to kill himself, right there and then. They had signed documents over documents at the bank and now with Alex even tenfold. Luckily he was an old schoolmate of his mom’s, so he really took his time and had the patience of an angel to go through every little detail for the still seventeen year old teen.

„Definitely, thank you!“ Jens agreed, stretching his arms up into the air, shaking of the light cramp in his right hand.

„Nonesense. I’m glad I could do something for you.“ He said smiling at them before he finished the last bit of coffee in his cup. He had his dress shirt cuffed at both wrists and the first two bottoms had been opened for comfort. They had spend the last 4 hours on this whole ordeal. Alex looked up from his cup, over towards Jens, he seemed to regard him in contemplation for a moment.

„So it is settled then. From friday on, whenever the time will come, this is gonna be yours. The house, the car and everything in it. As well as all rsponsibilities that are coming with, like bills and repairs. Are you sure you want this, Jens? First thing tomorrow morning on my agenda will be sending off these documents, so now would be the time to rip it all up or throw it into a fire if you would want to.“ Alex suggested in seriousness, as Jens looked back at him, in fact giving it consideration. What a momentary relief it would be, until of course he would see his mom, so he did and looked at her tired face, the dark circles under her eyes, the woman thin as a stick. Barely able to follow the ongoing conversation in front of her. So Jens wouldn’t do it. He shook his head determined.

„No, I’ve had four month to think it over. I have my grandmothers support, It’s decided. We have the personal directive handled, the will, all bank accounts have been transfered under my name by the bank today. I’ve called the incurance companies regarding the car, the houshold and liability. I’m probably missing some things I signed today, but this is about it, right.“

„Very much so, yes. You should definitely talk to your school again as well, letting them know about it, in case of an emergency. Obviously no one wishes for that to happen. But should you be hindered to attend classes, especially it being your graduation this summer, you need any help you can get for your future.“

„I know“ Jens replied as he watched his mother falling asleep, having lied down on the sofa, now that everything was sorted. It had been a long day for her, especially being out for hours. She wore the lovely rosegolden headscarf, he found absolutely pretty on her, and she adroed so much. Jens remembered how long his mom had stood infront of her mirror this morning, asking if she looked well enough to face the world. He had assured her she did, despite her complexion saying otherwise. She looked so vulnerable right now, it physically hurt Jens to watch her from across.

„Do you need help to get her to bed?“ Alex asked just as emotionally exhausted as Jens felt it appeared. This wasn’t really easy for anyone involved.

„No, I got it. Happens every other day.“ It didn’t sound as unconcerning as Jens had hoped it would, once spoken out loud. It was true nonetheless. It felt like yesterday was ages ago, worrying over a kiss and a crush on a boy, skating with his friends. Filming a youtube video for god’s sake. 

They probably all wondered where he was, as he had only replied in the group around noon, to tell them that he wasn’t feeling like attending classes today. Moyo and Luca joining him apparently, as they seconded it. Much to Yasmina’s frustration, as she tried to get them to actually care for their education. 

Jens had stopped reading at that point. Since then his phone was turned off and left in his jacket.

„There is one more issue, that we definitely need to handle soon.“ The insecurity in Alex’s voice made Jens uneasy. He was convinced to have settled everything and being able to concentrate on his daily life, that it threw him off for a minute. He clearly was loosing the control of his breathing again. Jens felt it.

„Hey, Jens?“ Alex put his hand on the teens shoulder, his thumb strocking over the fabric of his shoulder, it calmed him down at least enough to listen further: „Don’t panic, we are not doing that today. We’ll get another date ready, alright? Nonetheless we have to make a desicion there as well, one that might be the hardest for you to do.“ Jens looked up at the laywer next to him, nodding. „What do you want to do regarding Lotte?“ 

Jens evidently wasn’t prepared for that question, as it took him a solid minute to process what Alex implied. It didn’t even cross his mind that Lotte may be taken away from him.

„Okay, so here is the thing. The court will quite likely consider your father first, then your grandparents and then your bigger sister Lies. And given your family situation, none of these options are ideal. As if all of them involve Lotte being taken out of her house and school and even the only place she ever lived in. If your family members can’t take Lotte in, as I’d assume. Or she simply doesn’t want to leave, the court will have to involve child protection services. No one wants that, Jens.“ 

The blood was loudly rushing through his body, he could hear it clearly over the words that left Alex’s mouth. Jens was positive that this would devestate him. He loved his sister so much, he couldn’t give her up.

„This is the most likely path we are on right now. Unless! And that’s what I was going to ask you about. Unless you are, as you’ll be turning eighteen this friday, are filing for guardianship over your sister. And I want you to be very clear about what that entails. If we do this, I’d recommend getting a letter of your father and grandparents rejecting their position of choice as the legal guardian to Lotte. I’d also advise you to have witnesses able to argue your case on why Lotte is best kept under your care. And last, a strategy on a stable income. Luck is really on your side, as you’ll actually own a house in your name and the car’s lease is payed off by april next year, so you have no outstanding loans. Which is perfect. But still that is no constant income. So if your plan was to take a gap year or go to university while working two days a week to get by, that’s not gonna do it. If you can’t find a well paying half time job, to allow for attending university half time, you better take it out of your agenda for your future.“

Listening to Alex felt overwhelming. Sure he had taken care of her for the last couple of month. Bought her to school, picked her up, cooked for her, washed her clothes and on the list went. 

What Jens would need to agree to though, was doing exactly that for the next ten years of his life. And he needed to do it at eighteen. The realisation hit him, that he would then spent all of of his twenties taking care of his sister. 

Instead of university parties, trying out directions in life, and falling from one messy relationship into the next, he’d try to handle a teenager, while working a job. Damn.

„This is a lot to ask of you. That’s why I wanted to bring it up today, so you’ll have some time to think it through, say by mid december? This is a big sacrifice on your end and I think you should also talk to Lotte about it. Openly and honest, see what she thinks, what she would like for herself. She is a child, but like in any cutody case, the child’s opinion is just as important to take into consideration.“ Alex got up on his feet, his things collected and blazer and coat back on, as he spoke, with Jens following him towards the door. It was almost eight, so Olivia’s dad should be here any moment to bring Lotte home.

„You have my number, please call me once you are ready to talk it over in a meeting, yes?“

„Yes. Thank you again. Really. And I’ll talk to you soon, I suppose.“ Jens said attempting to smile at the kind man, who hugged him with a sad expression drawn across his face. He left the house, briefcase in hand and down the street towards his parked black car.

As the door fell close behind him, Jens stood in the hallway, thinking the whole day over and over again. Until he sort of didn’t think at all any longer. Blankly staring into nothingness.

The all encompassing numbness felt welcoming.

And then the door bell rang. Lotte was home.

### Nov 5th, Thursday 11:21

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633939355319287808/nov-5th-thursday-1121)

### Nov 6th, Friday 00:09

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/633987658439409664/nov-6th-friday-0009)

### Nov 6th, Friday 00:10

Never in his life had Jens been downstairs as fast as he was this night. Heart beating vast in his chest to a degree that should be worriying. Two steps at once. Three steps at once. His hand had found the door knob blind, as his eyes were transfixed on the shadow outside, behind the milky little window. He only wore his sweats and barely managed to grab a shirt to throw over before opening the door.

There he stood. Lucas. Hair damp from the light rain he had walked through. Perhaps rain was just about to become their weather. A nervous smile graced his lips, as his eyes darted up and down from the ground at their feet to Jens’s face.

It suddenly hit him, that he was here at his house at midnight on a thursday.

„You know that there is a curfew in place?“ Jens tried casualy as he wasn’t sure what to expect from this awfully dreamlike situation. Maybe it was just that, and Jens was actually fast asleep in his bed upstairs.

Lucas grinned at his words, before he reconsidered and pressed his lips shut into a thin line, thinking.

He looked up then, finally meeting Jens’s gaze.

„I almost was here on time, so I think I am safe. I’ve even got my own pair of sweats this time.“

The implication left Jens at a loss for words. So much so that Lucas swallowed uncomfortably before resuming to explain his sudden appearance after three days of ontensible avoidence.

„I’m leaving for Utrecht tomorrow at 10 and I won’t be back til late sunday evening. And knowing I won’t be able to see you, I decided to come here. It was a bit on a whim to be honest. But I think we need to talk.“ Jens only nodded silently. 

„Also,“ Lucas proceeded to take his backpack from his shoulder, to open it up. Jens found him pulling out a paper box, that had been placed at the top inside. The lid was off the next second and it presented Jans with a store brought piece of cake, that definitely had seen better days. It’s tip very much dented, buttercream spread throughout the box itself. It was the cutest and best gift he had ever gotten, as it hold a single candle and a small written note: Happy birthday

Lucas cleared his throat, which made Jens look up, to find the boy infront of him blushing slightly as he actually began to sing a birthday song to him. In a whisper so soft that the rain almost swallowed it up. Jens stared at him mesmerised, as he was hit by a whirwind of emotions. From absolute adoration over this boy to confusion and dispair, beacuse not just fifteen minutes ago, he was so sure that Lucas ignored him and that Jens had fucked it all up.

„Fuck, forgot to light the candle.“ Lucas exclaimed startled. And Jens decided to just let this minute take him whereever this would go. So he laughed and leaned forward, closing his eyes and blowing the flame out in pretence. Once his eyes were back on Lucas, he was greeted by another wide smile, this time it stayed, until the boy across of Jens shivered. The lightness of the moment gone with it.

„I can also go. This might have been a stupid idea to begin with.“ Lucas rushed his words out, trying to cover up his nervosity, about to flee from Jens’s frontstep.

„We just have to be quiet, when we go upstairs, don’t want to wake my mom or sister at this time. I agree. We should talk.“ Jens stepped aside to let the boy in, who took off his shoes and then both of them were tiptoeing up the stairs, only daring to speak again, once the door to Jens’s room closed behind them.

Lucas put his backpack at the foot of the bed, before sitting down on it, the box with the cake carefully placed beside him. Jens followed him to take a seat on the other side. The two of them looking anywhere but at each other

„I’m sorry.“ They both said almost in unison, making them giggle at the odd coincidence.

„Why are you apologising? I was the one who kissed the girl.“ Jens said confused, risking a glance over. Lucas was kneading his hands, seemingly sorrowful, for a reason Jens didn’t understand. 

He waited. And waited. And waited.

As long as it took for Lucas to give him an answer.

He got one in from of another question.

„What do you want out of this?“ 

„I...ehm...I don’t get it. What?“ Jens replied and bent down to try to get a better look at the boys face staring in to the folded hands in his lap.

„I promised myself, when I came here, I wouldn’t fall for the straight guy again.“ Lucas was barely able to keep his voice from trembling as his eyes looked dangerously close to get teary. It became clear to Jens that maybe he had gotten it all wrong, that the boy hadn’t ignored him solely for a misguided kiss.

„The others had talked so much over all your female conquests after Moyo had seen you with that girl. I’m not sure if I made this between us into more than it really is. In Utrecht I was in love for so long with my best friend who was straight. But he was always so close, and touching, and jokingly flirting with me, that I could almost imagine more, when there never was a chance for it to happen. And I really don’t want to go through this again. I can’t“ Lucas seemed to have collected enough courage to look up at Jens, with tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. It broke Jens’s heart. „I really can’t, Jens. I can’t, so if you are just playing around, or are curious but not actually interested, or are just that close with your firends, please, let me know, so I can stop hoping for more.“

Jens had been uncertain about his feelings for the last week, shocked by it’s surprising appearence, as he never deemed it possible to yearn for another boy in this way. That was until this moment right here, listening to the boy’s distress. For whatever reason his heart had decided on Lucas and Jens would just have to accept it. Labels be damned.

He took a deep breath, before reaching over to place his hand on Lucas’s, taking hold of it.

„I don’t know what I am, to be honest, but I know that you are not falling for a straight guy it looks like.“

There was the second of utter silence between them, as they hold their breath over the realisation that Jens had just thrown his strongly believed sexuality out of the window. Good riddance, he thought as in an blink of an eye, Lucas began to cry, dropping his head onto Jens’s shoulder, the boy’s hands grabbing onto the fabric of his shirt, leaving Jens to do the only thing he could think of. He pulled the crying boy into a tight embrace, trying to hold both of them upright. Gently kissing the top of his head as good as Jens could from that angle.

He supposed that he wouldn’t really catch much sleep tonight. His alarm would ring at 6:30, just enough time to get Lotte ready for school and drop her off. So roughly six hours left.

And for the first time, in a long, long time, he didn’t mind at all.

### Nov 6th, Friday 00:54

„Well that was embaressing.“ Lucas mumbled into Jen’s neck flustered, finally having calmed down and stopped crying. The both couldn’t help but to giggle. Lucas sat up a little, as he got out of the hug, but grabbing Jens’s hands instead, while he looked at him through reddened puffy eyes. Still as pretty as always. Jens thought.

They had moved further onto the bed away from the edge, as Jens had nudged them towards the middle, in case they would sort of fall asleep like this. It left them sitting on his bed, only the lamp on the desk providing a warm glow, illuminating Lucas’s face in the most beautiful orange shades.

„How are you feeling?“ Jens asked, his thumb drawing small circles over the other boys wrist.

„So much, much better. I can’t believe I cried already two times infront of you this week.“ Lucas smiled lightly, never breaking their eye contact, as they studied each other. A comfortable tranquility fell over them. If only tomorrow would never come. 

Jens lifted his right hand, his fingers brushing strands of curls out of the boy’s face, tracing the outline down passed his ear and along his jaw, his eyes transfixed on his exploration, while Lucas stared at Jens in utter devotion.

This was all the same and yet so drifferent as he could feel the structure of bones in sharper angles and the skin being rougher under his fingers. His fingers stopped right as he reached the chin. His eyes searching for Lucas’s, who focused right back on Jens.

They stared at each other, the air heavy around them, as Jens couldn’t stop his eyes from glancing towards Lucas’s lips as he cupped the boy’s face and leaned in slightly, watching Lucas’s eyes widen by the realisation of Jen’s intention. They were so close, he could feel Lucas’s breath on his lips, when Jens hold himself back for a second, as he was aware that he felt scared. Scared of accidently using his vulnerability, as Lucas had just poured his heart out to Jens. A frail whisper escaped him.

„Can I kiss you?“ 

He felt 13 all over again, though back then Jens hadn’t asked the cute girl from french class whom he had shared his first kiss with. In fact he couldn’t really recall ever having asked specifically to kiss someone. But Jens was so fucking nervous and he didn’t wanted to ruin it by...by what really? Moving too fast?

Lucas swallowed heavy, with a nod faintly aware of the tension between them growing.

So when Jens closed the remaining distance between them, watching the boy’s eyes falling shut, feeling the soft lips of Lucas against his own, it send a shiver down his spine, and with it a desire to be closer. Apparently Lucas thought similarly as the boy’s hands found their way yet again taking hold of his shirt, pulling Jens towards him.

While his one hand remained grazing Lucas’s cheek, his other wandered down over the boys back, down til he reached the rim of his shirt, his fingers eager to get under the fabric to feel skin. It drew a moan from Lucas that made Jens deepen the kiss, his hand pushing under the shirt, quick to explore the bare back underneath in broad strokes, while dragging Lucas practically onto his lap. His tounge licked over the other boys lips, asking for more, and Lucas did follow suit. Jens could do this for hours. Just this. It was all he needed to be alive right now.

They broke the kiss, when Lucas gasped for air, earning him an amused smirk from Jens.

„We have to work on that, I guess. Takes an awfully long time of practise though.“ Jens teased, so he probably deserved the smack against his shoulder.

He wasn’t sure if he had expected a kiss with a boy to feel different from a girl, his mind had somehow assumed it to be. But he was proven wrong, at least in his opinion. To kiss Lucas felt outright amazing. It didn’t eliminate though his anxiety to go further than this. He was certain that that definitely would be something else. 

Besides Lucas seemed to tense up himself, now that they weren’t kissing any longer. So maybe it wasn’t the worst idea to postpone continuing this another night.

Jens leaned in one more time to peck a kiss on Lucas’s lips, he really couldn’t help himself, before nodding towards his backpack.

„You said something about having brought your own sleeping clothes this time?“ Lucas replied to his question with a silent smile, shaking his head. Perhaps Jens had remembered it incorrectly. „No?"

„Depends.“ Lucas now began to grin mischievously. „Do I get one of your shirts to sleep in? I always wanted to do that.“

Jens snorted, pushing Lucas playfully away, as he feighned an annoyed sigh and got up from his bed to walk over to his closet. How could he ever say no to this boy?

While he was at it, he also turned off the desk lamp and retrieved his phone from beneath some papers for school he had worked on until Lucas’s messages appeared on his insta.

Lucas meanwhile had gotten out of his clothes, and was just slipping into his dark blue sweats he had brought, when Jens cursed having now only the dim streetlamp, outside behind drawn curtains, throwing just enough light in to make out the hazy contour of Lucas’s bare chest.

„Hope this will do.“ Jens said, handing the shirt over to the boy eager to put it on. He was adorable, Jens found himself thinking, as he got into bed under the blanket. Last time they had two, his and one from his mothers room. He hadn’t considered it. Almost an apology on his lips, he was reminded that they had kissed not five minutes ago and that it probably was alright to assume they could share one blanket.

Thank god he hadn’t said anything.

Lucas slipped right next to him, unlocking his phone.

„I should probably set an alarm, so I won’t be late. I need to stop by my house to grab my stuff.“ 

„Don’t worry, my alarm is set to 6:30, should be early enough, right? You can secretly escape, when I’m waking Lotte for school.“ Jens explained, not thinking much of it. Lucas put his phone down, left it next to his pillow on the edge of the bed.

„Do you always wake your sister?“ Lucas asked into the dark. 

„Eh yes. Wake her up, get breakfast and her lunch box ready, get her ready and then drop her off at school. It is much easier when I’m actually going to school as well, as it is kinda on the way. Having online classes from home. I swear, I really have to fight my laziness to not just send her off and stay in bed instead.“

Lucas seemed to have recieved the answer he wanted, as he didn’t say anything else, instead he turned on his side towards Jens, shuffeling closer, kissing the shoulder of Jens that stuck out from under the blanket.

He turned as well, facing the boy in his bed. He kicked something off the bed with his foot.

„Shit I think that was the cake.“ 

The both of them laughing, Lucas almost pushed himself up to move towards the end of the bed, when Jens pulled him back down.

„Leave it, I’ll take care of it in the morning.“ He said and drew the blanket back over them again.

„Good night, Lu.“ Jens yawned. With them in bed in the dark, the weariness really weighted down on him.

„Good night.“ He heard Lucas whisper before being kissed again, feeling the boy pressing his body closer against Jens, as they settled into a comfortable position to sleep. Their legs tangled under the blanket, their foreheads leaning against each other.

### Nov 6th, Friday 15:38

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634046117219336192/nov-6th-friday-1538)

### Nov 6th, Friday 20:18

JANAAAAAA!“ A parade of voices outscreaming themselves erupted at the new little video screen popping up on their online chat, as the familiar face of their abroad living friend appeared. 

She looked hilarious, wide eyed, absolutely overwhelmed, and even leaning away from her camera, as she laughed: „Good god, guys. I thought Jens was the boy, or better man, of the day. Not me.“

„Well we were just discussing our rescue mission to get you back home from still Trump Country.“ Luca said conspiratorial, as she whispered at short distance into her mic, making her sound a little asmr-ish and that much better.

„Also we can see or talk to Jens every day, we already sang him happy birthday, so you are more special.“ Robbe added, sticking his tounge out, as Sander grinned, raising his thumb in support. Jens rolled his eyes at them, giving them his middlefinger in return.

„Fuck you guys.“ He added without meaning it in the slightest. It was his birthday party chat, but he really didn’t mind their taunting, calling him an old man, leaving Milan and Senne to stick up to him. The real friends here in the group, Jens would make sure to remember that.

„So how is my birthday boy today?“ Jana asked smiling brightly as she looked as beautiful as ever, her hair a little shorter. He liked it, it looked very good on her. He wondered if she would ever leave his heart, and if they would have found each other again, hadn’t she moved away. 

Jens had Lucas now though, and the thought that he may not even had considered the boy, was unimaginable. Or worse he could have nonetheless fallen for him, while being with Jana... A much scarier thought reminding him of his end with Britt, something he definitely didn’t need to revisit. So he smiled at her and kept it short: „Pretty great actually, I thought I would hate not having a party, but I really enjoy celebrating in bed in my comfy home clothes.“

I also got kissed by the prettiest boy on earth and slept like a baby for the first time in weeks.

Jens never said it out loud, but he couldn’t help his smile from growing, as did his heart in his chest planning to escape, just thinking about the morning. Both of them awake once the alarm went off, staying in bed another couple of minutes in a lazy cudlle, pecking kisses at heach other. God it was too cheesy and he loved every moment of it. Lucas had changed clothes, just as fast as Jens, as the boy had hurried out of the house to get home, while Jens panicked to get everything done on his agenda. They had spent a little too long in bed. 

Jens would welcome the stress back every morning, if Lucas would promise to show up on his doorstep every time the clock struck midnight. 

„Jens?“ Aaron asked amused, waving his hand in front of the camera to get his attention back. He may have drifted off there a bit.

„Sorry, what?“

„Milan said, you have to come by tomorrow because he is not gonna have you spent a birthday without getting a cake and blowing out a candle with a party hat on.“ Senne provided as an explanation, but the only thing happning in Jens’s brain was the image of Lucas last night. Fuck this boy was taking over his mind way too fast.

„Eh sure. Though I think I have to bring Lotte, my mom is busy tomorrow. Children under 12 do not fall under the lockdown guidelines, so should be safe. That’s okay for you?“ Jens asked looking at the little screen showing all members of the flatshare in a tangled mess on Zoenne’s bed.

„Yeah I think that’s fine. It’s not like we have to make it toddlersafe.“ Milan said already looking excited of having the little girl over too. Until now, they only ever had visited the flatshare one time back in February and only for an hour or two, usually they met at Jens’s place.

„Shit Babe, that means we have to finish his present today.“ Robbe exclaimed a bit too panicked for it to be a joke. His boyfriends eyes widned, as he looked at Robbe in shock. „Jens, is it too late to say it is for christmas?“ 

„Pretty much, yes, it better be amazing, or I’ll cancel this friendship.“

„Oh I forgot, fuck!“ Luca suddelnly loudly announced getting off of her chair and stumbling out of frame her voice still being picked up by the mic: „Let me just turn the speaker on.... Wait...wait... Okay! I know it is not the best time given election. Yikes! But we are all together in chat since Jana moved, soooo.“

One note was all that was needed for the group to immediatly loose it.

„You are not playing Miley Cyrus now!“

„Hell yea, I am!“ Luca replied to Moyo’s absolutely horrorfied face, before starting to sing the lyrics: 

„I hopped off the plane at LAX

With a dream and my cardigan

Welcome to the land of fame excess,

Whoa, am I gonna fit in?“

Milan joining in instantly as if he had waited his whole life for this moment. Sander following suit, next to Robbe fishing for his phone. He was definitely going to record his boyfriend for leverage. Or because it was Sander singing, to Robbe even Sander breathing was worthy of adoration.

By the time they reached the jay-z line leading up to the chorus, they all had giving up their resistance and begun to sing whole heartedly, between giggles, dancing and messing up on words and notes. Any music teacher listening in would let them all fail class. No questions asked.

„Yeah it's a party in the USA“

Ending in a big crecsendo before all 11 voices fell silent, as they looked at each other and proceeded to burst into laughter.

„I miss you guys sooo much.“ Jana cried, hugging her laptop. All they saw was a black screen for a long minute, before she sat back, grinning: „Though I am dating this super hot guy from Geography. Like he is an absolutely idiot, but he is very cute and super gorgeous looking.“

„So American Jens?“ Yasmina said as dry and confident, that Jens was pretty sure she meant it. At least a little. Much to their friends’s amusement.

„Ey! This is my birthday, you can’t be mean on my birthday.“ He pretended to be offended, yet smirked at her, as soon as her lips curled up into a big smile, her eyebrows risen up high. 

„She’s got a point though, bro.“ Moyo laughed, lucky that he wasn’t near enough to be hit by Jens, who raised his hands.

„Alright, alright. I definitely gonna have to find new friends now, that’s for sure.“

„No! You are a cute idiot, our cute idiot.“ Zoe chimed in, absolutely delighted and Jens couldn’t really ever be mad at that girl, so he sighed, accepting his fate. It wasn’t exactly that they were very off anyway, he supposed.

„Well whatever, I actually wanted to let you know that I decided to apply to University in Antwerp, Brussel, Utrecht and Rotterdam, so hopefully I can move back next summer. I talked to my mom, and she isn’t the biggest fan of her daughter being so far away, but she knows how I hated moving here. I guess she feels guilty and I’m gonna take full adventage of that.“

An amount of variations of „seriously“ to „are you joking?“ Filled the chat to a point it all merged into a single distorted sound for a good couple of minutes. Jens joining right in. They all wanted her back, especially the girls.

It was Amber who than took the conversation over, completely leading them onto a new topic, one that Jens should have seen coming, but kinda hoped wouldn’t be turned into a big deal. But obviously it, would be, as Jana had seen their insta posts and the last vlog from wednesday.

„That means you get to meet Lucas! That would be so cool, he is also from Utrecht, maybe he could help you out with it. We should invite him for the next time.“

„Oh right, tell me all about him, I’m ready. Someone’s dating him? Because if not I’m calling dips.“

Jens had to use everything in him, to keep himself from snorting, laughing or commenting, giving away any knowledge he possesed. But having his ex lusting after the boy he kissed last night, was the funniest shit ever.

No one seemed to notice though, as they all went full in, describing everything they knew about the poor absent dutch boy. Not able to defend himself. 

Jens leaned back and enjoyed every second of it.

Best birthday so far.

## End of week 2

(Familiär by Agnes Obel)

* * *

_And we made it through the second week, I really hope that you are having fun reading and hoping to see where this is taking us. I haven't uploaded any of my writing in the last decade and thus I am even more excited about every single one liking it._

_Thank you, thank you, thank you!!_

_Also:_

_#season4isoverparty_


	3. We Didn't Make It To The Moon - Week 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to all of you, my pretty readers, who made it to week 3!  
> Thank you so so much!!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## We Didn't Make It To The Moon

### Nov 7th, Saturday 14:20 

„Happy birthday!!“

„Thank you so much, can I be celebrated for days now every year? I really enjoy this.“ Jens joked as he stepped into the livingroom following Senne who had let him and Lotte in.

They even had put up a glittery banner and had a couple of colourful balloons grazing the floor. There was a set table and a cake filled with candles to the brim. Probably exactly 18 and Jens was pretty sure he would not be able to blow them all out at once. They all wore these tiny party hat cones on their heads, Lotte loving hers the minute it was put on when they entered.

„Next year were aren’t celebrating at all to equal it out, so you better make the most of it today.“ Sander declared getting up from his shared sofa with robbe, moving over to pull him into a tight hug. Robbe directly taking over, congratulating Jens once more as the two of them swayed from one foot onto the other in their embrace. He loved this boy so much.

„I can’t believe that you are eighteen. You are becoming a boring adult.“ He heard Robbe whisper giggling as they both pulled back far enough to look at each other grinning, not having let go yet.

„You’ll be eighteen soon too, so you better watch your words, young man.“ Jens joked as he saw his sister being picked up and swung around by Sander. He supposed this and the cake were her only two reasons for coming with.

„At least we have our university years left to fuck it all up, I guess.“ Robbe said happily as Jens kept smiling brightly, while his heart though tightened almost painfully at that thought. He didn’t want to think about it. Not now. Not with people around. Not with Lotte close by to see him. He swallowed it down and for some sort of miracle did Zoe appeared next to them.

„You can keep cuddling all day, if you want, but I wann hug Jens too.“ She complained quite amused as Robbe stepped away, his eyes immidiately searching for Sander to find him pouring Lotte some tea.

„What do you wanna drink?“ Jens heard the boy asking, as he joined the others by the table.

„Coffee would be great if possible.“

„Coming right up.“ Robbe replied, as Zoë and him hugged, her hand brushing through his hair, cautiously enough to not rip the birthday hat off.

„Happy birthday.“ She said, pecking a kiss to his cheek: „Let’s get some cake. Milan spend at least four hours in the kitchen, so even if it is horrible, smile.“

He snorted at her shaking his head. He was pretty sure the cake was amazing. Milan had found his absolute passion in baking since the first lockdown in march began. And though his cooking really left a large room for improvment, his baking skills was great by now. At least that’s what Robbe had told him and the last couple of weekends really proved him right.

„My turn finally.“ Milan said and another hug ensued as he was taking into the arms of the older boy and pressed tight against his chest. As with Zoë he was pecked a kiss on his cheek and welcomed with a bright smile and best wishes. Milan’s hand took holf of his and thus they both went to join the group a couple meteres away.

Robbe had joined Sander in the meantime, Lotte placed happily chatting away on the older boys lap, gesturing wildly about, as the other two listened intently. A child really suited them, Jens thought. And if fate was on their side and they pulled through all the mental health bullshit, he was conviced that they should have one. At least Sander appeared to enjoy that role.

Milan sat on the second sofa with Zoë and Senne, the later one busy lightening all the candles on the cake. That leaving Jens to take his seat on the armchair across of them.

„Alright. Make a wish.“ Senne set presenting his accomplished work, as Robbe took out his phone to either film or take a picture with. „And hurry, we want cake.“

It took him three tries to blow every single candle out as the other laughed and cheered him on.

He only whished for his mom to stay a little longer, like the little child he felt he still was.

„What the hell is this?“ Jens asked, his eyes wide open as he regarded the big package that Sander had pulled from his and Robbe’s room. It was a paper brown rectangle and decorated with a comically large red bow, like it belonged into a cartoon. 

Zoë and Senne had gifted him a new year playstation plus membership, that he was very greatful for. And Milan had bought him a quite expensive book on music production, that Jens had wanted and was pretty sure Robbe had told him. 

It was nothing compared to the present he was starring at currently infront of him on the floor, as he, followed by everyone else, had gotten up to inspect it.

„Open it!“ Lotte urged excited to his left, pulling his hand forward.

So he did just that. The bow was off in no time and the packet wasn’t that hard to open either.

He was staring in disbelief directly onto a skate board with a photograoh attached to it by tape, that punched the air out of his lungs. 

It wasn’t just a skate board, it was his skate board, or at least a version of it. Because he had a pretty big accident with it, when he was eleven and the board broke and with it his heart, as it had been his very first one. He had cried the whole way home, more over the board than his broken arm and scratched knees. It took him weeks to get over it.

The photo was showing Robbe and him on his eights’s birthday, smiling at the camera, with said board in his little arms.

„Robbe, you didn’t..“ He heard his own voice saying, just barely keeping from trembling. His hand searching blindly for the boy behind him, who got the hint and kneeled next tim him to take it.

„Well it obviously isn’t the same one, but I found all these photographs of us and our boards last year, going through all my mothers stuff, before she was admitted and I knew immidiately that I needed to keep them. I planned back then to get you a board resembling it for your eighteen’s, but fate has it, that I fell for an artist. So while I told him what to do, and what was acurate, Sander drew and painted everything.“ Robbe explained, leaving Jens to continue starring at it, cautiously picking it up to turn it over and back.

He couldn’t believe it. It looked exactly the same, all the weird scribbles and sketches and amateurish tags were plastered across it. Jens felt the need to place it on a pedestal and conserve it, never touching it. This was too good to be true.

„Dude...“ He managed to say, putting the board back down, before his arms slung around his best friend burying his head in his neck, while the other laughed and stroke his back.

„And you too.“ Jens gestured towards Sander to come down as well, so he could hug both of them. 

„I told you he would love it.“ Robbe was told by his boyfriend, before Lotte tackled them.

„I want to be hugged as well.“ She declared pouting, as they let her into their circle, while Jens was still processing his present. 

The next hours Robbe and him spent reminising in old stories, they told the others about. A lot of emberessing ones, Jens thought, but he didn’t really mind. They really had been through a lot together. Robbe was definitely family and Jens couldn’t be more grateful to have him around. He just really hoped that they would all stay in Antwerp.

While Sander still had two years left at the academy, he had voiced interest to move somewhere else for a couple of years to see more of the world. And Jens was pretty sure that Robbe would stick with him, whereever his boyfriend would plan to take them. Jens really didn’t want to loose Robbe as well.

„You good?“ Robbe’s voice pulled him out of it, as Jens noted that the others had went back to the table, finishing of their second round of cake and tea and other sweets that have managed to appear on the table.

Jens nodded lightly at Robbe next to him on the sofa, as they had watched Senne and Sander help his little sister to stand on the used skate board of Robbe. She tried really hard to keep her balance as the two older boys pshed her back and forth across the living room. 

„You know that if you want to talk, that you can always come to me, yea?“ His best friend said smikring as he winked, a clear reminder of last year, were the roles had been reversed and Jens had tried to have Robbe open up.

„I will.“

„You will what?“ Zoë inquired curiously as she looked up from her phone again, having texted Jana and the girls group some pictures of todays little birthday party, as she had explained earlier.

„Let you know, that even though it was Jens’s big day, we spent two hours on Lucas yesterday on zoom. Because you girls and my boyfriend can’t get enough of him.“ Robbe joked, taking Zoë’s phone to read through the last couple of messages.

„See.“ Robbe said as he showed Jens the screen, a conversation about Lucas being the prime subject: „Tsk, tsk, tsk.“

Jens was pretty close to tell Robbe that he really didn’t mind that at all, and that he probably could happily chat about the boy himself for days on end. And one day he would have to let Robbe know as well. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it yet. It was all too new.

„I’ve heard Lucas?“ Milan chimed in and Jens could only laugh at Robbe’s whine: “Not you as well.“

„Topic change!“ He threfore declared loudly, clapping his hands, to help his best friend out and made everyone look at him instead expectantly.

„What’s happening now with your exhibition? We all were so excited to behave in the dumbest way possible on thursday. Even Noor was in on it.“ Sander smirked at him, a fuck you on his lips, as he mouthed it silently at Jens.

„It’s all gonna be virtuell, like a tour through the exhibition pieces, so I guess maybe we could organise a litte zoom party again to go through it together?“ It is the best I can come up with now, if you are actually interested in seeing it, as you won’t have a possibilty to embarrass me infront of my professors.“

„Uh that sounds still fun. And Jana could join too! Let me just post the group.“ Zoë said excited as she took her phone back from Robbe, who turned his eyes a last time towards Jens. All serious as he patted Jens’s hand on the sofa between them.

„I mean it. I’m here to listen.“ He said smiling slightly and then getting up to help Senne make space on the table. They had ordered a big round of Pizza that should arrive soon for dinner.

Jens loved his best friend. He really did.

„We should add Lucas to the group as well.“ Milan proposed, being met with an unanimous approval of everyone else.

Jens shrugged at Robbe smirking back at him. He had tried at least. He took out his phone himself now, looking at their group that let everyone know about a new number been added. He needed to remind himself to text the poor boy later.

_Zoë 17:56: Welcome to the best group in Antwerp!_

_Amber 17:57: Hello, Lucas!!! Glad to have you here_ 🥰

_Noor 17:57: You still have time to run and block this. Once you are in, they will never let you out. Trust me._ 😭

_Moyo 17:59: Bring weed pls_

### Nov 7th, Saturday 23:34

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634171491220668416/nov-7th-saturday-2334)

### Nov 8th, Sunday 08:55

Jens was left in the entrance way without any second glace spared, as Lotte run off behind Olivia into the house. No goodby. Nothing.

„Well, I guess, I’ll pick her up at seven, seven thirty-ish?“

„Absolutely fine with us, we are probably back home by five and then make dinner. You could join us, if you’d like. For the whole day I mean.“ Lars was a good man. In his mid-thirties, thick beard and warm eyes. Always patient and calm, and Jens liked that a lot, hoping he could be that much of an adult at one point in his live. He was a stay at home dad, while his wife was working. And honestly Jens really respected that.

Lotte had been looking forward to it all week, Olivia and her mom owned two horses, an hour out of Antwerp and his sister loved it, when she could come with them, usually to take care of the animals. But sometimes, if time and weather allowed for it, also to take them out for a long ride through the country side. And today was such a day.

„No, thank you. I’m actually quite happy to have some time alone for once.“ Jens declined his friendly offer, smiling as he watched the older man infront of him.

„Oh, isn’t Helena home?“ Lars asked surprised and really Jens couldn’t hold it against him, it wasn’t like his mother was leaving the house much, other than visiting the hospital. In the last three month his mom had maybe brought or picked up Lotte nine, perhaps ten times total. Usually it was Jens’s task to take care of it, when Lars didn’t offer to drop his little sister off.

„She is sleeping a lot lately, I think I’ll wake her for some late lunch or early dinner later and use the rest of the time to do whatever I want. Maybe call up my friends for some online play or just relaxing over discord.“ Jens was almost too excited about it and it caused him to feel weird just as much. He pushed it far far down. Today he just asked for spending a sunday carefree and like he used to before last winter.

„Sounds like a plan. The real high school teenager experience, huh?“ Lars joked, though he certainly hold some sadness in his expression listening to Jens. „Well, still, offer stands. At least for dinner in that case.“

„Thanks, I’ll text you, when I’m on my way over.“ He promised the man, patting his phone in his jacket’s pocket. „Definitely text me too, once you are on your way back, so I’ve got enough time to get ready.“

„Sure, will do. Also if you ever need some time off again, it would be our pleasure to have Lotte over once in a while. Or have her sleep over one weekend, if she’d like that too.“ Jens wasn’t prepared to be so affected by Lars’s words, he cleared his throat, definitely keeping that in mind for the future.

„That would be great. With the lock down, it is alright for now, but maybe after. I really appreciate this. Thank you.“

„Oh, no need to thank us. Absolutely, any day.“ Lars waved him off, chuckeling faintly at the lightened up mood of Jens: „I mean, I was 28 when we had Olivia and even at that age I felt still to young and too inexperienced in life to care for a child. I can’t even imagine, how overwhelmed I would have been in my last year of school. I’d probaly would have paniced and jumped out a window. Seriously, you have my fullest respect.“

In order not to cry, Jens grinned at him, shaking his had as he spoke: „Well it is not like I have to raise a baby or toddler, so I guess I got lucky with an eight year old.“

„I guess so. And a clever and polite one at that.“

„All my mothers work, I’m afraid.“ Jens replied shrugging, while he checked for the time on the little clock above the door: „I probably should get moving, I don’t want to keep you from leaving.“

„Ah, yes! Good call, getting quite late. We’ll see you later then?“ Lars asked, opening the door for Jens, who nodded back at him.

„Lotte I’m leaving. I’ll see you later! Be nice, okay?“ Jens shouted into the house, listening for a reaction that came much later than it should have been, accompanied by loud giggling from Olivia. He didn’t even wanted to know what these two were up to. Always looking for trouble. 

„Okay.“ His sister’s voice echoed through the hallway and that was all Jens got to work with.

Lars nodded with him, both of them smirking. 

„That’s it, I guess. Til later.“ Jens stepped out into the brisk morning air, the city still dark and illuminated only by the yellow glow of the streetlamps. Winter certainly could be depressing. He missed summer so much. Partying with his friends, drinking til the early morning hours when the sun came up again. Smoking weed down by the pier at midnight, dressed only in shirts and shorts.

„Enjoy your hours of freedom.“ Lars bid goodby, closing the door, when Jens had reached the corner of the hedge by the street, pulling down his benie over his ears. 

He took out his phone, looking for the broerrrs group chat before posting.

_Jens 09:12 : discord later, anybody?_

### Nov 08, Sunday 15:11

[(insta post/chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634225614371667968)

### Nov 9th, Monday 03:28

There wasn’t a sound in his room to safe him from the deafening silence around him.

It must be early, he thought as he stared up at the ceiling from where he lied on top of the covers on his bed. Any sense of time had went missing a while ago. It was just dark.

And so damn silent.

He had tried to recall last week, to when he had felt peaceful, falling asleep next to the other boy. But it just didn’t came back into his memory right now. What had he been feeling back then? There must have been something to make his brain stop working.

At the moment he didn’t really felt anything, he believed. Hours must surely have passed by now.

He took a deep breath, his hands covering his face for a second, until he felt wet streaks of tears on his cheeks.

Had he been crying?

Since when and most of all why?

He tried to brush them off of his face desperately to no avail, as new ones run down over his skin with each ongoing second. He tried again. And again, until he grew scared and suddenly felt his heart contracting under the realisation that he felt sad. More than that he was fucking exhausted. He wanted to sleep so badly. He was caught in his own consiousness, he thought upset.

Why wasn’t he just allowed to sleep?

Sobbing vigorously he gave in, his right hand keeping his eyes shut as he cried.

He had to bite his lip to keep from screaming into the void, when that was all he wanted to do. His free hand grabbed a pillow, the first thing next to him, to throw it across the room. It landed on the floor infront of the door without much of a sound. He hated that. All of the sudden he felt energy rushing through him, his heart beating, his lungs burning. He felt an abrupt urge to break something. It didn’t quite matter what. He just needed to do anything else besides lying uselessly in his bed.

Unfortunately his body was too heavy, he barely managed to sit up.

Everything was hurting so bad, how could one body feel that much pain at once, when he wasn’t even injured to begin with?

Frustrated he bend forward, only to slung himself back, hitting his head on the wall behind him with a thud. It caused a dull pain to emerge from it, spreading through his body quick. It calmed him down he found himself surprised, as he catched up to his breathing, slowing it down steadily. 

That surely wasn’t healthy, he thought as he stared onto his knees infront of his face, where he had drawn up his legs.

The tears hadn’t quite stopped yet, but they appaered to not stream down his face any longer. 

He could hear the faint sound of a car passing by his house. And there was some wind hitting the trees outside, causing a low russling of leaves. How couldn’t he have heard that earlier?

Rubbing the back of his head, feeling luckily nothing out of the ordinary, he decided to fish for his phone on the floor beside his bed, where it had fallen down on earlier that night and left disregarded.

03:54

It blinded him for a moment as his eyes adjusted and were able to read the time given. He wasn’t sure if he had expected it to be earlier or later or just about that time.

Still not feeling able to sleep any more than before, he opened his phone. He didn’t had any new messages, so he clicked on instagram, instantly presented with all the pictures of his friends posting their weekend activities. Some he had seen already yesterday afternoon, but many more had followed on since then. 

Scrolling through and leaving likes, he didn’t thought much of it, until next to the icon in the upper corner the number one plopped up.

He wasn’t sure who would be awake at this ungodly hour. Moreover the only person who he would have really liked to talk to was Lucas, and that boy was most definitely sleeping. He had been almost drifting off this late evening, when they were still talking to each other over the phone, after Lucas had arrived back home in Antwerp. He doubted the boy to wake up in the middle of the night. He also doubted he himself would actually be able to talk honestly about the state he was currently in.

So he opened his messages, and as he saw the name, he knew that he should have expected him.

_Sander 04:01 : still up stalking instagram and liking my robbe pic, I see? can’t sleep?_

### Nov 9th, Monday 04:09

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634274557655646208/nov-9th-monday-0409)

### Nov 9th, Monday 22:21

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634343269063639041/nov-9th-monday-2221)

### Nov 10th, Tuesday 16:07

Fucking finally.

Jens thought as he closed his laptop after the last class was over and done with for today. He got up from his seat at his desk, stretching, before wandering off to his closet.

He considered for a moment what to wear, as he wasn’t sure if this date required anything out of the ordinary. Certainly formal wear was too much, given their plan was to sit on a bus and have a walk. Idealess he simply grabbed his red hoodie he loved so much and put it on. He checked his hair in the mirror, before he took his phone of the charger and felt ready to leave. He was a bit short on time, but 15 minutes should be sufficient to get to their meetup spot.

He had reached the stairs when he realised that the house seemed oddly quiet. 

„Lotte?“ Jens shouted confused, as she should be home by now. And she was usually very noisy being around, no matter if she was in her room or downstairs. Getting a bit worried, he went to check her room.

Empty.

Okay, now he may be a bit scared even. Perhaps his mom and Lotte were still on her way here. Could be that they went to the supermarket or backery or something. Still. He couldn’t push down his gut feeling telling him something was very wrong.

It made him check up on his mother’s room as well and to further his worry he found her asleep in her bed. He frowned and walked up to her into the dim lit room. She had at least taken her meds and drank the water he had put on her nightstand this morning. He also was pretty sure he had heard the alarm going off an hour ago. Jens should have checked himself back then, but then the class had started and he had decided against it.

Her breathing was calm and steady. She was fast asleep.

The screen of her phone next to the empty glass lit up. It caught his attention as he tore off his eyes of his mother’s resting face.

4 missed messages

3 missed calls

7468\. The phone unlocked and he quickly read through the notifications.

The last message recieved being:

_Anna 16:26 : My last class starts in five minutes and afterwards I would have to take Lotte home with me, if I can’t drop her off at hers. Please give me a call back to let me know what to do here. Lotte is crying for you for an hour now and won’t stop. If possible pick her up as soon as you can. Please call! I’m getting worried too!_

Shit.

Breathe!

Now think, Jens, think.

He put his mother’s phone down, turning on his heel and running down the stairs, as he fished for his own phone in his jeans’s pocket. He had the number saved month ago without ever having needed it.

It was immidiately picked up.

„Jens?“ Anna’s voice appeared on the other end, the relief strong in her tone.

„Give me 15 minutes. I’m on my way!“ 

„Alright. I’ll start the lesson, but just come in once you are here, okay?“

„Will do!“

He hung up, grapping the car keys from the little ceramic bowl in the hallway. He hasn’t taken the car since getting used to it after recieving his lisence. His mom would go on and on about getting to know the car. He couldn’t be more grateful, as he hurried out of the house and over to the car waiting on it’s spot on the street.

He was eighteen now and the car was in his name, he was allowed to take it. It still felt wierd to sit alone behind the steering wheel trying to recall all the steps of starting this damn thing.

It took Jens fortunately only ten minutes to get to the building of the music school and only five more to find a parking spot. Thank god.

Three minutes later he reached the classroom of Anna, the sound of Chopin being played on a grand piano filling the building as he came closer. It made him remember all his own piano lessons of his childhood. He kinda missed them a little now. And he kinda hated having stopped when alcohol, weed and girls became more interessting to him a couple years back.

Jens only had opened the door, when his sister jumped off her seat next to her teacher. Her eyes red and swollen, tears running down her face as she run up to him. He opened his arms, kneeling down, to take his sister into a big hug, as she slung her arms around his neck, crying desperately into the hoodie he wore, as Lotte buried her head in chest.

It broke his heart.

„Hey. I’m here. It’s alright.“ He tried to calm her, his hand running up and down her back as she sobbed, desperately gasping for air. It reminded him of last night and his own fear and panic.

Anna looked at them sympathically and told the boy behind the piano to take a break for a bit, before she walked over to the two siblings comforting each other.

„Is she dead?“ He heard Lotte quietly asking and if his heart haden’t already been torn apart for his sister, it definitely had been now. How could an eight year old assume this first before anything else? Jens came to the sad conclusion that Lotte may have noticed more than his mom and he had thought.

„No, of course not. She just didn’t hear the alarm. She is sleeping at home. I’m so sorry, that you had to wait for me.“ Jens said as he leaned back a little, trying for a reassuring smile, brushing strands of hair out of Lotte’s face. „I promise, mom is fine.“

Lotte nodded faintly and immidiately dug her head back into his chest, not having stopped crying yet.

Helplessly Anna and Jens looked at each other, waiting for Lotte to calm down a bit, both of them whispering in hushed voices words of comfort to the little girl clinging to her brother.

„Next time, you can also call me. Might be better.“ He told Anna, as he picked up Lotte into his arms and stood, once the breathing resembled normality.

„Okay, tell Helena that I don’t mind switching her to late classes and bringing her home afterwards, if it is needed.“ The woman offered, patting Lotte’s back, who didn’t appeared to notice anything around her, her sobbing becoming less frequent though. Anne got the backpack and Lotte’s coat from the chair his sister had sat on until he had arrived, turning towards Jens: „Can you manage to carry that all somehow?“ 

„I’ll try.“ He said, taking one arm off his sister, to slung her things around his underarm before placing it back. It was a lot of additional weight. He prayed he’d be able to make it to the car.

„I guess, I’ll see you then next week, instead of Helena?“

„Yes definitely. Thank you for everything.“

„Anytime.“

Nodding his head at Anna, he went to leave. A minute later listening to the familiar sound of the piano being played again behind him.

Lotte’s eyes were closed and her breathing was slow as they reached the car. She had been fallen asleep on their way out. Cautiously sitting her in the backseat and putting the seat belt on, Jens put her stuff next to Lotte on the bench. Regarding her for a moment longer.

Only when he had gotten around and into the driver seat, the door closed behind him, had Jens pulled out his phone, as another frightening thought hit him.

Lucas.

7 missed messages

1 missed call

Shit.

### Nov 10th, Tuesday 17:06

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634414787477078016/nov-10th-tuesday-1706)

### Nov 11th, Wednesday 19:48

Van der Heijden.

It took a minute for Lucas to ring him in with the brief words „second floor“ coming from the tiny speaker above the door bell. It was a fairly small building in a neighboorhood Jens usually wasn’t in. Hence why it took him a bit longer to find the right street.

He had texted Lucas immediately that he was a bit late and never recieved a reply. Fair enough. The adress and a time was all Lucas had provided him with this afternoon after Jens had encouraged himself to text the dutch boy.

The door was already open and Lucas stood in it’s frame watching him.

„Hi.“ Jens greeted, taking two steps at once to get to him faster. He wanted to kiss him so bad, for days now, but hold back, pretty sure it wasn’t called for at the moment.

„Hey.“ Lucas said once Jens came to a stop infront of him.

They looked at each other, standing there akward and silent, when Jens nodded over the boy’s shoulder into the flat behind him.

„Can I come in to talk?“ He asked seeing Lucas biting his lip in contemplation. Apparently he decided it was alright with him, as he stepped aside for Jens to enter. They were pretty close. The hallway, if it could be called one, was tiny, just enough space to hold a small shelf and a hanger for jackets. It lead into a one-room apartment it looked like, where Lucas vanished into, as Jens took of his shoes and jacket.

Okay there was a small bedroom to the left, he now could see as the door stood open. But the livingroom was perhaps a little bigger than his room with a small integrated kitchen unit at one end. It resembled more a student dorm than an actual family home.

„So?“ Lucas asked, his arms crossed infront of him, definitely waiting for Jens to explain himself.

„Right, so I really was on my way to you, but my mom must have fallen asleep after lunch. And then the teacher called, so I had to go pick up Lotte from piano class, after she had waited for someone to come for her for over an hour. She was crying so bad, seriously heartbreaking, that I kinda forgot about the time and my plans with you. I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you or stand you up. Honestly! I jus..“ He rambled on fast and loud at Lucas who had trouble to follow him.

„Oh fuck you, Jens!“ He was told off by Lucas throwing up his arms and groaning, his hand running through his hair, before he continued: „I wanted to be mad at you. You can’t tell me that Lotte is the reason. How can I be pissed at you now?“

„Apparently you can.“ Jens joked, smirking lightly but pressed his lips tight shut after seeing Lucas’s expression. Wrong time for a joke, he guessed.

„Then why didn’t you text me yesterday?“

„I only saw your messages after you were done and went home. You told me to not contact you.“ Jens explained shrugging his shoulders. What else was he supposed to have done?

Lucas took a deep breath after that, looking to his left out of the window. A small grin appeared on his lips as he spoke: „I didn’t really mean that.“

„Oh my god.“ Jens laughed relieved, burying his head in his hands as he shook his head. He had thought it would be easier with a boy somehow. „Alright, next time I’ll call you right away, no matter what.“

„You should.“ Lucas agreed, sighing tiredly but still smiling, his pretty blue eyes back focusing on Jens. 

„Then I’m forgiven already?“ Jens dared to ask.

„I won’t forget about it this fast, but if you never do that again to me, then yes.“

„Very gracious of you, Mr. Van der Heijden.“ Jens said, walking up towards Lucas, his hands falling onto the sides of the boys face, before kissing him, like he had wished he could have done yesterday already.

Lucas practically melted into him, as his arms slung around Jens’s back, deepening the kiss. They stood like this for a while, busy feeling the other boy close and eager lips exploring the other’s neck and face.

With a heavy breath Jens leaned his head on Lucas’s shoulder, swaying them lightly left to right.

„You live with your mom, right? When will she be home?“ Jens asked, listening to Lucas sighing in return.

„She is home only every four days. And that means she won’t be here until... saturday.“ Lucas explained, suddenly feeling a bit more distant, even though the two boys couldn’t be closer at this moment.

„Okay, do you want me to cook for you? We also only ever talk about our friends. I know close to nothing about you. I think we should change that. Over dinner?“ Jens suggested whispering lowly, pecking another kiss, just right below Lucas’s ear. The boy trembled under him. Jens loved it.

„Alright.“ Lucas replied weakly, as they both decidedly took a step back. They still had the whole evening to get back to it. Also an empty flat, which was absolutely fine with Jens.

„You could also stay over...“ Lucas said, tilting his head with a smirk appearing on his lips, that Jens would certainly read as implication heavy. Fuck what wouldn’t he give to say yes. For some odd miracle, as he wasn’t sure how to decline the boy’s request, Lucas hit his forehead before he apologised.

„Right. Lotte. Thursday. You have to get her to school, right? Sorry, didn’t think about that. Another time then. It’s fine.“ 

Okay, how fast was too fast to tell someone you loved them?

Because Jens was pretty sure, he just felt these words forming in his mind, and they’ve known each other for less than a month, barely two weeks. It was most definitely too soon, but he couldn’t help it. The mere realisation that Lucas had considered him and his resbonsibilities regarding his sister, hit him hard.

On top of that he also had freed Jens of having to reject the boy’s offer, thus he just kissed Lucas again, deep and long and full of complicated emotions for him.

„Thank you.“ He mumbled against the opened lips of Lucas, before really putting some distance between them, leaving the dutch boy looking flushed red and breathless.

„I don’t know for what, but you are very much welcome. Do that just again. Anytime really.“ Lucas grinned up at him, his blush on his cheeks still bright and in stark contrast to his blue eyes, that Jens stared at.

„Alright, let’s check what you have in your fridge, before all I’m gonna eat is not actually nutrious.“ He winked confidently at Lucas, just for the sheer fun of seeing the boy watch him overwhelmed by his words. Not that he actually expected this evening to go anywhere near down that path. But a curious eighteen year old boy could hope.

„Spinach. Well that’s a good start.“ Jens said, more to himself, still it tore Lucas out of his trance and made the boy join him in the kitchen area, if one may can call it that.

„I think we also have some noodles somewhere, no potatoes I’m afraid. Not the biggest cook here.“

„That’s why you have moi. Can you grab me a pot and a pan, and an onion? I’ve got a plan.“

There wasn’t enough space really to move around freely, leaving them to brush elbows and knees and shoulders against each other frequently. Or maybe that’s just what they wanted. Lucas was never more than an armlength away, his face always close enough to peck a kiss here and there. 

Jens almost had forgotten how great the beginning of being in love felt.

### Nov 11th, Wednesday 21:12

„So why did you actually move here in the first place?“

They had finished dinner and sat on the sofa in the livingroom. Empty plates and half filled wine glasses left forgotten on the low table infront of them. Lucas had found a bottle I n one of the cupboards, presenting it to Jens with a grin. They hadn’t found any candles though, so their joked about candle-light-dinner fell a bit short.

Lucas’s legs were thrown over Jens’s lap, as the boy rested his back against the side arm of the couch.

They had talked a lot about the online classes till now and the huge amount of homework they had gotten. Til Jens remembered that he wanted to ask Lucas so many more private things, that hadn’t felt right over the phone. He wanted to see Lucas in person when he did.

„Difficult topic.“ The boy said, leaning his head against the back rest, as he looked at Jens, but went on quietly regardless. Only pausing occasionally as he elaborated: „My mother takes part in a 9 month long drug trial here at the university hospital... She suffers from severe depression with a moderate form of psychosis... becasue why not. And they have a new treatment in development, that her doctor suggested could help her balance the chemicals in her brain, or something... So I told her, that I thought it was a good idea and that I wouldn’t let her go on her own. Obviously I’m also underage... Now, here we are.“

It evidently was hard for Lucas to talk about his family situation. And Jens was instantly reminded back to Robbe and how he had been there for his best friend two years ago, while everything went to shit with his mother, while he himself dealt with Jana and their break-up.

But this wasn’t the time to dwell on old memories. This here only involved Lucas.

So Jens strechted his arm out far enough, that his fingers could comb though the brown locks on Lucas’s head.

„Sorry to hear that. How is she doing?“

„Pretty good actually. I felt so lost with her back in Utrecht, but now that we are here and I don’t have to constantly worry over her, I feel much better. She is much more energetic and happy when we spend a day or two together. She asks more, listens more. She feels much more like a parent for once in a very long time.“ Lucas smiled at him, certainly looking content with his current situation until Jens hit him with the next question, his expression dropping into a frown.

„And where is your father?“

„He moved to Amsterdam after my mom broke down one day. They were fighting for years already and I don’t really mind him being out of my life, he was a bit far leaning on the conservative site.“ The dutch boy explained vaguely, certainly being done with this subject. On his part at least.

„What about your parents? You also only live with your mom, right?“

“Yup.“ Being on the recieving end of the question hurt definitely more. He wasn’t about to lie though to Lucas, as the boy had been so honest with him. He just wasn’t ready to talk about his mom yet. He didn’t know how to start.

„Only with my mom, yes. I haven’t seen my dad in years. I’m not even sure if Robbe remembers him. He was home at best a couple of month a year. He is not a bad man, he just never was made for settling down and family life, I suppose.“

„What do you mean?“ Lucas interrupted, watching Jens curiously from his position, his hand lightly kneading the older boy’s neck in circles. It was a very calming feeling.

„Well, he studied marine biology and after having done his PhD, with me being two, he started going on all sorts of expeditions. He always came back with the coolest stories and gifts. A real adventurer. I loved listening to him as a boy, Only when I grew older and Lotte was born did I notice under how much pressure my mom stood. She broke it off with him, when I was eleven. They never divorced, but the last time I heard of him was a postcard on my birthday two years ago from Tasmania.“ Jens shrugged. „I don’t even have an adress or a phone number to contact him, so... Not sure if it makes him an asshole or not.“

Truth be told, Jens never really had felt much regarding his absent father. He also didn’t really think much about him. He only ever felt sad for his mom having to handle everything on her own.

„Yeah, I don’t know either.“ Lucas said carefully, unsure of his response. Maybe he was afraid to say the wrong thing, or to hurt Jens? 

„Do you think he would have approved of us here?“ Lucas question caught him a bit off guard, until he remembered that the boy had told him his father to be „conservative“.

„I believe so, he was very much of the „live and let live“ attitude, as far as I can recall. And even if not, I don’t really care, because I get to cuddle and kiss this pretty boy right here.“

Lucas snorted at him, still sat straighter up and reaching over to kiss Jens, moving to settle on his lap.

„Do your friends know you are not straight?“ Lucas continued to ask, as his lips brushed along Jens’s jaw.

„No. I mean three weeks ago, I thought I was very straight.“ 

„Oh?“ Lucas feighned surprise and leaned his head back, his eyes searching for Jens’s gaze, as he grinned. „How come not now?“

„I haven’t the slightest clue. I may need something to remind me.“ Jens said, his arms wrapped around the body of Lucas, pulling him closer, his hips pushing up playfully into the other boy, who drew a sharp breath, his eyes falling shut.

If that wasn’t a beautiful sight to be seen.

„Jens.“ Lucas whispered nervously clearing his throat, his gaze driffted off over Jen’s head. Had he done something wrong?

„Sorry, should I..“

„No.“ Lucas quickly stopped Jens in his attempt to push Lucas a bit away. The fingers in his neck digging into him.

„Okay.“ Jens waited for Lucas to gather his thoughts. It only took the boy a minute to go on and elaborate.

„I’ve never...“

„You’ve never...“ Jens repeated, when the other boy once again stopped in his tracks.

„I’ve never done this. All of this.“ Lucas finally said.

„What? Was I your first kiss?“ Jens’s eyes grew wide as the thought hit him, and with it an actual punch in the chest from Lucas’s fist. Not that it was really hard or meant to hurt.

„No. I’ve kissed before. It just never went anywhere further than that. And also they were girls.“

„Eh same. You are also the first boy I’ve kissed.“ Jens said grinning brightly at the smiling boy rolling his eyes.

„That’s not what I mean, asshole.“

„Sorry.“ He pecked a kiss on Lucas’s lips, earning him another in return, before the boy on his lap grew a bit more serious again.

„You have so much experience with girls at least and I have none... What if you don’t like this? You said yourself, that you thought you were absolutely straight before. I’m scared I’m not good enough.“ The last words were a whisper so soft, Jens had trouble to understand them.

„Hey. I’m nervous too.“ Jens admitted as he locked eyes with Lucas. „You are the first boy for me as well. I have no fucking clue, what I am supposed to be doing here. I’ve never thought about it before, nor done reasearch on it. I just... We’ll just figure it out, okay? And if today is not the right day, then there is still tomorrow. So how about we kiss. And then you take my sweater and shirt off, and I’ll take yours off. Because honestly that is all I want right now. And then we’ll go from there.“

Lucas was back to smiling at him, eagerly nodding as his eyes dropped to Jens’s lips before he was pulled back into a tight embrace by the older boy. Their lips finding each other blind while their hands lost no time slipping under fabric and pulling their shirts off.

How hard could it be?

### Nov 11th, Wednesday 22:51

It turned out a bit harder than expected if you have to relearn certain things.

Not that they wasted much time on thinking it through, quite the opposite and Jens knew exactly what he liked. It was just harder to figure out how to give the same thing to Lucas, if that made any sense. At one point they had broke off laughing. To their defense the sofa was small, the angle was all wrong and it felt weird first, but as he had promised, they figured it out in their own pace.

Still he had loved every second of it.

And he hated every second of getting ready to leave now.

Lucas was only in his boxers as he accompanied Jens back to the door, who was busy putting his shirt and sweater back on, while checking for his phone and keys in his pockets.

„So out of curiousity. Are you actually out to your friends?“ Jens asked, slipping his right foot into his sneaker.

„Not in Utrecht. No. I don’t even know how to bring it up to them. Maybe I should just bring you over one day instead and let them do the thinking.“

„Sounds like a plan.“ Jens nodded amused putting on the second shoe, not expecting Lucas to go on. There was a bit of an insecure undertone swining in his voice.

„I told someone here though. Last week. I kind of blurted it out to Robbe and Sander.“

Jens’s head spun up so fast, he might have strained a muscle, before he got to his feet.

„You mean last tuesday in the park, where you cried. That wasn’t about me?“ He must have looked hilarious in his disbelief and narcissistic assumption, that Lucas full on laughed at him.

„Jesus, Jens. I mean, maybe a little. But I told you it wasn’t about you.“

„Yea, I didn’t really believe that.“

„I can see that now. Well, Sander was showing me the pictures he took and with them being so cute to each other, and me being so confused about you, I kinda wanted at least that off my chest. I just needed someone to know and they seemed like a good start. So I honest to god just came out to them as gay, out of the blue, and began crying immediatly. No joke.“ 

Now even Jens couldn’t hold back his amusement. Though it only seemed funny in retrospect. The situation at hand must have felt very differently for Lucas.

„They were so lovely. Robbe told me he understood and that we could talk about it. I was so upset in that moment, I didn’t know how to handle it, so it was great that they took me to theirs. And we spent a couple hours going over our experiences with our sexualities and how their relationship came to be. Found out we have a lot in common. I’m not sure how to break it to my friends in Utrecht, but with Sander and Robbe I felt safe.“

Jens nodded along, definitely able to understand his decision. He probably would come out to Robbe and Sander first as well. They really weren’t judgemental at all. Still Jens felt like he needed more time to be able to talk about it. Looking back now, he could definitely see how hard it must have been for Robbe, especially with how homophobic they had acted at times around him. Jens really hadn’t done a great job listening.

His poor best friend.

Jens promised himself to love Robbe just a bit more from now on. At least Jens didn’t had to worry about his friends dropping him in disgust or lack of understanding, now that he knew how they treated Milan and Sander with Robbe.

“Well congratulations are in order, I suppose.“ Jens proudly proclaimed wrapping the boy into his arms. Kissing the top of his head.

„Are you okay, with me taking a bit longer?“ He asked afterwards quietly into the mob of hair, feeling Lucas nodding.

„Of course.“

„Can I convince you to come home with me?“ Jens added before grabbing his jacket of the hanger to put it on. He didn’t want to miss the train he needed to catch.

„Mhm, can’t. How about I come around tomorrow and stay over? I’ll have time to clean everything up after you leave, get my chores done and join you tomorrow for Sander’s online tour. Deal?“

Fuck. Jens had almost forgotten it, even though it was the only thing the group chat was talking about at the moment. Lucas seemed to have noticed his surprise, as he shook his head.

„Seriously, is someone even thinking in there?“ He teased, tapping his finger against Jen’s forehead.

„Haha. Funny. I’m leaving.“ He announced rolling his eyes dramatically, but letting the smile creep up on his face nonetheless.

„Not without kissing me.“ 

„I would never.“ Jens replied to Lucas’s demand, as the boy opened the door behind him to let him out. So Jens pulled Lucas’s face closer by his chin and brought their lips together. They took their time, moving slowly against each other, before Lucas kind of pushed him out on the flat.

„You gonna miss your train and I’m not sure I can let you go, if we continue.“ He told Jens, winking at him in a new found confidence that Jens found very hot. So he waved like the decent boy he was, checked his phone and turned to run down the stairs in a hurry. He still may be able to make it in time.

„See you tomorrow Mr. Van der Heijden!“ He shouted back to Lucas watching him leave from the door. He barely catched a glimpse of the dutch boy, before he only could hear the respose one floor lower.

„See you tomorrow, asshole.“

### Nov 12th, Thursday 17:07

„They’re gonna know.“

„Nobody is gonna know. How would they know?“ Jens returned instantly, turning his head towards the boy next to him, adding amused: „Just pull your laptop a bit closer and tilt the camera up a bit, so they see the white wall behind us, instead of my bed.“

„This is ridiculous.“ The two of them sat side by side on Jens’s bed, giggling like thirteen year olds as they tried to figure out, how to pull this off best. „They definitely gonna notice. Same lightning and so on.“

„Different cameras though.“ Jens provided, checking both of their screens. Okay, knowing they shared the same space it felt a bit similar, but surely the others wouldn’t assume anything. „We can also just tell them that you are over at mine.“

„No.“ Lucas quickly interrupted, „I kinda like the thrill.“, the boy said, wiggling his eyebrows, causing Jens to try his hardest to surpress his laughter.

„You are an idiot.“

„Yes, your idiot. Too late. They still gonna know.“

With a deep sigh Jens proceeded to take a breath before yelling: „Lotte??“

„Yes?“ Came the answer quickly shouted back to them from her room next door.

„What do you do when you come over into my room?“

„Pretend Lucas isn’t here!“ She replied rehearsed and maybe a bit annoyed that they couldn’t fully trust her to fulfil her task if it should come to it.

„See! Bulletproof.“ Jens told him, leaning over to kiss Lucas. „Just make sure to stick to your side and not come too close.“

„Says the one who can’t stop kissing me.“ Lucas smirked knowing he was right.

„Alright, I’ll stick to my side of the bed as well. We can still hold hands though, they can’t see that on the camera.“ Jens suggested, recieving just that, as Lucas reached over and their fingers interwined between them. „We could also do more, if you can keep a straight face.“

„There is nothing straight going on in my face if we go there.“

„Wow Luc. I mean...“

„You mean?“ Lucas asked his brows raised in expectation, highly amused by Jens struggeling for anything to return without success. „I thought so. Hand-holding it is.“

„Fair enough.“ Jens gave in, checking the time in the bottom corner of his laptop. Sander had said to get together at half past five, but most of their group was already online.

„So you join first and I’ll follow in like five minutes?“ The boy next to him suggested and Jens had to admit, that it wasn’t a bad idea.

„I can’t believe we are doing this. Ready?“

„Same.“ Lucas agreed. „Ready.“

Clicking to join the chat, his screen immediately showed him most of his friends behind their cameras. Only Lucas and Moyo were missing. And though Jens expected that Sander was at the flatshare, he still was on his own, seperated from the rest. Well he definitely was going to share his screen for the tour Jens assumed.

„Ça va?“ Jens greeted, being immediately bombared with hello’s from everyone else.

“You took your damn time, bro I thought you wanted to just quickly get snacks from the kitchen?“ Aaron accused, recalling the last thing Jens had told them after class had ended. And to his defence he had done just that. Only he also had let Lucas in and made out with him for good ten minutes as soon as they had reached his room.

„I did.“ Jens quickly replied, presenting the still closed alibi bag of crisps next to him with his right hand. The other obviously was busy holding Lucas’s.

Who just then decided to join himself.

„Hello.“ Lucas said softly met with greetings by almost a dozen in return, Jens included. And for the briefest moment Jens saw the big flaw in their marvolous plan, but for some magical reason it didn’t happen. His fucking clever boy had put on a headset, that for some very perfect reason didn’t cause an echo or his voice to be picked up on it in the background. And vice versa. A technical miracle.

„Sorry, my mom is home. I have to be a bit quiet.“ Lucas excused himself, shrugging lightly, nobody seemed to mind. Fucking smart.

„No worries, glad that you could make it. Just Moyo missing and we can start.“ Sander grinned at him happily, as he looked over his screen towards the other four across of him, Jens imagined.

„It’s good to finally meet you.“ Jana said, pulling everyone’s attention on her. Of course, Jens noted, the two of them hadn’t met before, only via a couple of broad group messages.

„Hey, Jana right? You are the friend of the girls group who moved to the states?“ Lucas asked trying to recall from what he had been told so far.

„Exactly! And you are the hot dutch boy, everyone has a tiny crush on. Same though. I dig the style.“ She countered bluntely, making Lucas speechless as he blushed faintly starring into his camera.

„JANA!“ Almost everyone instantly yelled, half shocked, half laughing.

Moyo who just appeared in the bottom corner, looked very confused as the scene infront of him unfolded: „What the fuck did I miss?“ 

„Jana just straight up told Lucas that he is hot.“ Yasmina explained, grinning into her camera.

„Jens, do something about her. Seriously.“ Moyo demanded laughing now too.

„Agreed!“ Luca chimed in with a big thumbs up in front of her face.

„Why me?“ Jens snorted, shaking his head at his friends.

„Because she is your ex. Your responsibility, dude.“

„She is her own fucking person, Aaron. Geez.“

„Ex?“ Lucas voice interjected, eyebrows raised in question, smirking harder, very much entertained. It definitely was meant for Jens. What he wouldn’t give to just look over at the boy and tell him, that he could tell him everything later.

„Too long of a story.“ Zoë said, waving them off, before Noor took over, not really being in the know about their history either. Other than what she knew from Britt probably and that only would let assume nothing good.

„Let’s actually do the tour thing Sander prepared for and chill afterwards, till midnight, if you want to unpack your dating life.“ The pretty black haired girl suggested smiling at her camera. No one objected, instead everyone waited for Sander to start, who loaded up the website leading to the virtual tour.

„Okay, prepare to be mind-blown, because we are the best year the academy has ever seen in it’s entire history.“ Sander began melodramatic, waving his arms around, as he continued to guide the group from art piece to art piece. Always a grand story to tell for each of them.

Jens would note down to always have Sander with him, if he should decide to visit a museum or gallery in the future, because this was the most fun he ever had looking at art. The way Sander spoke was captivating. His eyes were twinkling. He was one hundred percent into his passion. And Jens was pretty sure it was what Robbe had fallen for first, because how could one not.

Eyes all on him, not a single person dared to interrupt the boy for almost the next ninety minutes, as they hung on every word spoken.

### Nov 13th, Friday 06:31

Waking up naked next to another naked boy, was definitely one more first Jens hadn’t had previously on his list, he noted as he looked straight at the bare back of Lucas infront of him in the safe darkness of his room. 

The blanket only reached just below his shoulder blades, almost inviting him to reach out to touch the visible skin. The body was more angular, sharper, than any girls he had seen, and he simply couldn’t take his eyes off him. He was so pretty, Jens could’t quite believe this actually was real. He had to make sure to burn this moment into his memory. He never wanted to forget about it.

Unfortunately his alarm seemed to not only have woken him, but also Lucas, who stirred, turning around to face Jens, blinking his heavy eyes open. A smile settled on the boy’s lips as he realised where he was.

„Morning.“ Lucas whispered low, half into the pillow he lied on as he threw his leg over Jens’s under the cover, locking them together.

„Morning.“ Jens responded with a yawn he couldn’t hold back. He had slept through the night, no panic, no crying, no nightmares. It didn’t mean he had caught a lot of sleep though. The group had chatted til one in the morning. And after having had to hold back for hours, only looking at each other through their screens, exept for stolen glances and a long break for some pizza, the two boys had eagerly touched and kissed each other anywhere possible in their longing for contact. Hence their clothes spread throughout the room around them.

„Go back to sleep. I’ll get Lotte ready and to school. I’ll be back at eight. My mom should be sleeping anyway. If not, you can tell whatever you want about us.“ He said against Lucas’s lips as he had leaned forward, only to follow up with a kiss.

„Mhm...stay.“ The younger boy complained with closed eyes, as Jens withdrew himself. Lucas reached out for him, his lips pulled into an unhappy pout as he could only grab for air. It made it so much harder to leave, as all he wanted to do was cuddle up to his boy and sleep a bit longer. Still he managed to get up and out of bed to take his towel with him for a quick shower.

Lucas in the meantime seemed to have conceded defeat and therefore had made use of the pillow Jens had left behind. As the boy hugged it instead, when he returned ten minutes later, his hair still a bit wet.

Checking his phone quickly, charging next to the bed, he decided he still had five minutes to exploit. He slipped under the covers behind Lucas’s warm and soft body and went to bury his face in the nape of the boy’s neck.

„Fuck, you are cold.“ Lucas cursed under his breath, but opposing his words he only settled himself further back into the inviting embrace of Jens. Who was quick to slide his arm around Lucas’s middle, his hand firmly placed above the boy’s heart, beating steady under his touch. It calmed him down to a point he solely felt at peace.

„I thought maybe we can be a bit late to class, later.“ Jens mumbled into the skin against his lips, recieving a very affirmative nod.

„Perfect thinking there.“ Lucas commented yawning faintly in his half awoken state, on the verge to drift back into sleep.

„I know.“ Jens said as he placed at least a dozen kisses onto the neck and down the back between the boy’s shoulder blades, that he had woken up to this morning. Sighing unhappy about his unwanted suspicion that it was time to leave, Jens pushed himself up from the comfort of his bed and got out swiftly, trying to get his thoughts away from Lucas infront of him.

He pulled out anything really from his closet to put on, regardless if it would fit a style or not, as he would probably change into sweats and a shirt for classes later anyway.

Taking his phone off the charger, he sneaked quietly out of his room, closing the door as silently as he could, before he went to wake up his sister, and then downstairs to make themselves something quick to eat for breakfast.

### Nov 13th, Friday 18:21

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634690665621618688/nov-13th-friday-1821)

### Nov 13th, Friday 23:16

Jens stood in the doorway to his mother’s bedroom, as she was fixated on the screen of her laptop, sitting propped up against the backrest behind her. A thick blanket covered her, as she froze easily lately, always big wollen socks on her feat and a cozy cardigan within arms reach.

She looked up at him, the blue light in contrast to the warm orange tone of the lamp on her nightstand.

„Everything’s alright?“

Jens could just shake his head. 

They had eaten dinner and his mother had brought Lotte to bed, while Jens had chatted with Yasmina for an hour, going over the short presentation they had to prepare for french. And after all that was done, he had sat at his desk, feeling incredibly lonely, without any real reason.

His mother smiled at him, lifting the blanket on her right side, as she closed the laptop and put some loose papers with it away onto the nightstand.

Jens didn’t hesitate and quickly went to join her side, sliding down low enough that the blanket reached his chin, much to his mother’s enjoyment, as she laughed and ruffled his hair. He complained for the briefest moment, not saying another word when his mother began to carefully comb though it with her fingers.

„Lucas is a nice boy.“

Startled at his mother’s attentiv words, he looked up from his position, clearly not having expected her to have met him. Not that she didn’t know that a friend would sleep over, but his mom had only kept to her room for the whole day til the evening. Jens had only brought her late breakfast before he had seen Lucas out after second period.

„You two talked?“ He inquiered curious and very impatient for an answer, as his mother grinned at him. Almost letting him think that something must have happend.

„Well when you brought Lotte to school, I thought I may get some water and smoke in the kitchen. Lucas came downstairs not a minute later and found me, my freshly rolled joint in hand. He was a bit overwhelmed, I reckon.“ Yea Jens could definitely see that. „But he immidiately asked if I also wanted some tea and how could I decline his polite offer, so we both drank our tea and smoked a bit, while he told me about himself. That he was from the Netherlands and you helped him out on his first day. And that he is glad to have made one friend so quick, as with the corona regulations in place, he would have felt very isolated. I told him he was welcome any day, before I went back upstairs for work.“

His mother finished, leaving Jens quite surprised as Lucas hadn’t said a word to him about having had met her. Also they smoked weed together? In what kind of world did one’s...potential boyfriend?...smoke weed with one’s mother? Sure she did it for medical reasons, hence the really good stuff she had, nonetheless it didn’t change the absurd picture building inside his head. 

It was then that she seemed to remember something else.

„Oh right! He took a picture of me too, that was quite fun. He said he liked to take photographs for his account or something along those lines. He told me how to sit and everything. It was quite nice and you couldn’t really see how shit I looked, my hair even looked like it used to be, not so thin and flat. It felt quite nice. But what I just wanted to tell you is that I like him and I’m fine with you inviting him over whenever. And that I didn’t tell him about my illness.“

Jens wasn’t sure where to even start thinking, as the words and their meaning fromed in his mind. What photographs? What account? Also his mom specifically stated that she liked him...did she assume there was more and wanted to let Jens know she was fine with it? 

„You okay there, sweetheart?“ She asked him carefully, as he was basically frozen in his position beside her. So he nodded to give her some sort of indication that he had listened to her and then looked up again, meeting her smile.

„I didn’t know that he enjoyed to take photos. His insta is pretty sparse contentwise.“

„Well you learn something new every day, especially with new friends, huh? But I think he said it was private or something. Just for himself.“

Okay new goal, get Lucas to show him his work. He was so curious to see, how the dutch boy saw the world around him. And if he had taken any pictures of Jens. That was probably the most important thing to figure out.

„Also thank you for not telling him. But you could have, if you wanted to. I don’t try to purposely hide you from my friends.“ His mother gave him a look, one that only could only mean she saw straight through his little lie. It was Jens who had told her mid lockdown in spring, that he wanted to have til the end of the year, if possible, to be allowed to keep living a halfway normal live as a teenager. Just get some more normalitiy with his friends. He wanted to attend parties and hook up with girls, make stupid videos for their youtube and play videogames all day, without their pity or constant offer to help him out. 

He knew it was a lot to ask of her, but she had assured him that she was fine and that she could understand him and would try her best to do as much as long as possible. He still was sometimes overcome by a faint tug of guilt at his conciousness. Jens was selfish in that regard. It just got so much harder in the last couple of month, the balance shifting gradually to Jens taking over most tasks. The year also came to an end and with it the fear that he may not even be able to push his pending explanation of truth towards even january. 

Every week he just prayed for another one to follow after, to procrastinate till he grew old.

He knew very well that that wasn’t going to happen.

He just couldn’t quite accept that fact yet.

Jens lifted his head, shuffeling closer to his mother, lying his head onto her lap, as she continued to comb through his hair. She wasn’t talking. She was just there in that moment. Existing, breathing, alive.

„I want to sleep here tonight.“ His voice was dropping into a whisper, a little ashamed to ask his mom at his age, but he only heard her chuckling quietly, a quick „of course, I’d love that very much“ followed by a kiss on the top of his head.

He couldn’t hold back the little smile on his lips, happy to have a bit more time with his mother, even if it would just be tonight. That was alright with him.

They both started moving, ready to find some sleep, as his mother turned of the lamp on her nightstand and slid down, the blanket pulled up high, mimicking her son.

Jens was so tired, physically but much more mentally, that he immidiately drifted off, his eyes closed as the room turned dark and the warmth wrapped around him.

He could feel his mother blowing a kiss to his forhead, like she had done when he was still her little boy. He didn’t know how much he had needed this, when the last thing he heard was his mother telling him goodnight. Maybe there was a quiet quiver in her voice, Maybe it was just his imagination. He would never tell any of his friends about this. It was close to embarrasing. But in this minute it meant the world to him.

„Sleep well my brave boy. I love you.“

## End of week 3

(We Didn't Make It To The Moon by Milky Chance)

* * *

_I'm gonna quickly copy and paste my note from the wendsday clip on my tumblr here:_

_fyi_

_so I am ace, but had my fair share of experiences, still I’m not comfortable going further than that in writing. If you expected some explicit content in my work, I’m afraid, I’ll have to disappoint you. Go read it somewhere and come back for the story, if you want_ 😭

_hope you don’t mind and are able to fill the blanks to your fullest wishes!_

_thank you for reading!!_ ❤️

 _ps: if everything goes okay and I’m still motivated, I may continue my version of wtfock with another season exploring asexuality_ 🙈


	4. Nacht - Week 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gentlemen, Week 4! Enjoy ❤️

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Nacht - Week 4

### Nov 14th, Saturday 19:48

„Oh my god. It is all Sander’s fault. I didn’t mean to vent on purpose. Nooo.“ Robbe whined into his microphone as he had been succsessfully voted off by the remaining three crewmates. Jens wasn’t one of them, he had been killed cold-blooded by his best friend in the first minute behind the goddamn tank. His body had never been found, to everyone’s surprise as his name had been greyed out with Aaron’s murder discovered a moment after.

They always switched back between games to their zoom chat, while the players remained in the lobby, waiting for a new session to start. So Jens did.

„I have literally done nothing.“ Sander laughed, kissing the top of Robbe’s head, before resting his chin back on top of the mop of hair, staring again onto the pages of his book. If the couple was one thing, it was physical and clingy. Both of them, not one better than the other. Jens thought amused, watching Robbe struggeling to reach for something out of frame. 

He was sitting between Sanders legs, his back against his boyfriend, who had wrapped his arms around Robbe’s middle, reading a book he hold in his hands resting in Robbe’s lap. Who himself had his laptop placed as close as possible up on his legs. The mouse probably on his right side in order to play. To Jens it looked a bit messy and uncomfortable, but they didn’t seemed to mind. If he was honest he had seen them in weirder positions before. Fully clothed. Luckily. 

„No I’m pretty sure you are to blame.“ Robbe insited, but grinning, knowing he was just looking for any excuse he could get. And his poor boyfriend was around to take it. Obviously Sander did without batting an eye.

„Well, then it must be true. Please accept my deepest apologies.“ His best friend, for the love of god, giggled in response. An unjustified righteous smile on his lips. Another kiss pecked onto his temple as Sander leaned around, as much as it was him allowed to from that angle.

„God, I’m not single, but if I do feel like it right now.“ Zoë voiced what many probably thought, Jens included. Not even Senne argued her case. Both boys, Sander and Robbe, dared to shrug almost simultaniously, causing them to be even more assured of their superiority.

Sometimes Jens thought they needed to be reminded that the world wasn’t just turning for them, but on the other hand they also were the slight proof that fated love might really exist.

„Another?“ Jana asked, absolutely addicted to the game. It had been a spontaneous idea really, as the broerrrs were contemplating what to upload to their channel if they all couldn’t meet up together to shoot something. So gaming it was. And from there it kinda spiralled into all of them now deeply engrossed in round after round of Among Us. They had footage for days.

„Fuck yea!“ Moyo exclaimed, followed by everyone nodding, before he added: „Had anyone heard anything from Lucas or Luca?“

It sounded a bit funny, a bit like a broken record at the end.

„Lucas posted something about his mom, I think.“ Amber said, looking for her phone to check. Jens knew that Lucas had texted them that he was out for today’s group plans. Jens also knew that it definitely was because of his mom. She was home til tomorrow and Lucas had been so excited, chatting away on the phone while he cleaned his flat in anticipation this morning.

Jens had done laundry in the meantime, both of them almost shoked when Lucas’s frontdoor was opened. They had talked for over two hours. About nothing really. So they quickly had bid goodbye, Lucas promising to come over late tomorrow, after he had brought his mom back to the hospital. Jens already missed him. 

„He has plans with his mother.“ Senne confirmed, having been faster than Amber. „And Luca told us, she’d join us at eight. Which would be almost now.“

„Then I’d say let’s wait for her? I’m gonna get something to drink, all the yelling in chat while voting is not good for my throat.“ Yasmina declared, already leaving her seat at her desk and walking away.

„Oh Robbe, I actually wanted to ask you something.“ Jens was reminded out of nowhere suddenly, catching the full attention of his best friend, who looked at him expectantly. So he continued: „My mom wanted to invite you over for dinner. She misses you, I think. And I suggested to her that we could all cook something together. If that’s alright with you, how does Tuesday sound?“

„Sounds great.“ Robbe agreed, Sander’s eyes glancing up from his book.

„Just this once, and he better be returned in perfect condition.“ Sander demanded, like the overprotective boyfriend he sometimes was, mostly to everyone’s and his own amusement. He winked at Jens right after, who nodded and replied in all seriousness with a strict „of course, home before curfew“. 

„You two are ridiculous.“ Robbe shook his head with a sigh. „Just text me, when I should be there and if I should get anytihing on the way. And tell your mom that I’m excited to see her again as well.“

„You adore us.“ Jens quickly stated before his attention was pulled away from his best friend.

Yasmina had just arrived back infront of her camera when Luca joined their chat and to everyone’s suprise there was a pretty blond girl next to her, seizing their whole attention,

She had stunning grey eyes, her nose pierced and both her arms tattooed in fine lined flowers. Her hair long and wavy and a bit wild as it covered her shoulders. She looked really good, Jens had to admit. A couple weeks earlier and them being at a party, and he definitely would have tried his luck.

„Ooh, you’ve got comapny? Gonna be a long night, huh?“ Zoë teased knowingly grinning at them, leaving Jens a bit lost at their non-verbal conersation, as everyone stared excited into their camera’s.

„Eh, hi, who are you?“ He asked, and immidiately the group started laughing. Only Moyo seemed to be on his side of utter confusion. Which wasn’t much of a relief, given he wasn’t the greatest resource of knowledge and gossip either within their circle. Even Robbe snorted, leaning his head back against Sander’s chest. His best friend was in on it apparently, as Jens lacked some vital piece of information.

„That’s Maxime duh. Just her girlfriend of two month.“ Noor pointed out incredulous, and as if to prove a point the couple in question faced each other giggling, only to present the chat with a passionate kiss, leaving no room for doubt or interpretation.

„Excuse me, what? I thought she dated a guy. Damn, my bad.“ Jens apologetically smiled, feeling silly now, remembering all the messages in the group. He was sure that he must have not read some of them. No girl had been mentioned...but then neither had been a boy, it dawned on him slowly. Always talking about a crush or date for the night. For sure the name must have come up, but Maxime became Maxim in his head without question.

„You should really start changing your heteronormative assumptions there, young man, now that the gays are taking over the group!“ Milan shouted overly excited and very much jokingly, as he winked into the camera. Yet still joined by enthuastic whoos and laughing from Robbe and Sander, and Luca and Maxime. Making Jens bite hard down on his lip, as he was willed to say things he couldn’t take back. And he was not prepared to come out to the entirety of his friends via a zoom call, only to defend his pride. That wasn’t quite the right reason for it, nor fair to Lucas.

He had to admit though that a girl on Luca’s side hadn’t crossed his mind even in the slightest, thus Milan wasn’t really far off with his statement. Back with Robbe he also strictly had believed his secret person to be a girl. Never once looking at all the signs that surely must have been there. All in all he apparently hadn’t changed much over the last year despite everything. Jens probably should work on that.

„Sorry! Honestly. It’s great to meet you, Maxime.“ He continued trying to make up for it. Also to get back to chat about anything else but dating really. Jens was saved by an angel called Jana taking control over the group, as she started a new game, once Luca had logged into the game and her crewmate character appeared in the lobby.

Fate truly was on his side today. 

Jens was an imposter this time and that would only mean one thing:

Vengeance.

Robbe would be the first to die.

### Nov 15th, Sunday 11:05

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634844306825510912/nov-15th-sunday-1105)

### Nov 15th, Sunday 20:56

„I missed you.“

Lucas said what had been on the tip of his tounge the whole day, as the younger boy stepped in, escaping the cold turning night outside. He looked like he was freezing, it worried Jens a little.

„You need something warmer?“ Jens asked, watching the boy stripping out of his jacket and shoes. 

„It’s okay, I just need someone to cuddle me.“

„Oh, I think Lotte is in her room.“ Lucas snorted at his joke, loosing no time to step up to meet Jens in the doorway to the livingroom. He wrapped his arms around his middle, his cold fingers slipping under the white shirt.

„Ah, fuck you.“ Goosebumps present all over his body Jens tensed and shivered under the touch. Firstly because it was cold, but also because he had longed to be close to Lucas again. So he cupped the pretty face infront of him, his thumb brushing along the jaw, before he leaned in to kiss his boy.

It felt so good.

Perhaps they stood like this for a minute, maybe for half an enternity, as curious fingertips explored his back, digging into his skin, when they deepened the kiss and Jens’s left hand moved to the back of Lucas’s neck, grapping his short hair, pulling it lightly.

Lucas moan was all that Jens needed to remind him that they haven’t even really made it into the house. They had a whole night ahead of them. First things first. He didn’t actually back out of their embrace, but his chin went to rest on Lucas’s shoulder, trying to get his pulse to calm down again.

„I gonna heat up some dinner for you, so better remember where we left off later.“ Jens whispered in a promise, and then kissed the spot below the ear, the one that Jens had discovered always made Lucas tremble, teeth lightly scraping, his tounge tasting skin. He really needed to stop right now.

„Okay, food!“ Jens declared stepping away, proudly watching the messed up boy come back slowly to reality. God how much he loved this. He didn’t mind the little censorious glance Lucas threw him, before he collected his bag from the floor and took Jens’s hand to followed him in.

„I may have missed your food even a little more.“ Lucas said grinning, while he took his seat at the dinning table, his eyes following Jens by the stove, who turned the heat back on, stirring the left over pasta.

„I only have cooked like three times for you.“ 

„Yes and all three times, it was delicious.“

„Not hard to surpass expectations, if one lives of frozen pizza.“ Jens challenged, knowing exactly that it was true. Lucas couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. At least that’s what he had been told by the same boy. So maybe this was a all just a ruse, to let Jens do all the work. Not that he kinda had found himself enjoying cooking more and more as he got better.

„Eh, that’s why I said I should move in. Otherwise I may starve.“ Lucas explained his immaculate future plan, leaving Jens to turn around and face him, a smirk tugging at his lips.

„So as I said before, you should take your boy out on a date first. I’m not handing out keys to every dutch boy I meet and kiss.“ 

„Well it wasn’t me who had stood up the dutch boy.“

Right, there had been something he had forgotten about. Sometimes he hated his bad memory. 

Very fortunately Lucas only seemed to have teased him, cracking a smile, not actually getting mad at Jens again, as the older boy had feared for a moment.

Turning off the stove, he pilled up the pasta onto a plate and walked over, a clean fork in his other hand. He placed both infront of the boy, taking the seat beside him, pulling his chair a bit closer, until their shoulders touched and his knee rested against Lucas’s. 

It reminded him of his first lunch break, the first day that Lucas had joined his group. And his side.

How was this only three weeks ago? It felt like a year had passed.

„Thank you.“ Lucas turned his head pecking a couple kisses onto Jens’s lips, before he dug into his food. Perhaps he hadn’t been lying when he had told Jens, he was starving.

He propped up his elbow on the table, resting his head on the palm of his hand silently watching Lucas munching happily away. Til there was the sound of light feet rushing down the stairs.

„Lucas!“ His little sister announced her presence, running off towards the dutch boy, hugging him awkwardly as he tried to gulp down the food left on his plate.

„Hey, everything’s good?“ He asked inbetween bites, almost finished.

„Yes, are you staying over again?“Lotte asked smiling as she took the seat across the table, looking at him expectantly, even a little pleading.

„That’s the idea.“ Lucas replied, pushing the plate away, the fork placed on it with a metallic sound, before he took Jens’s free hand and pulled it onto his thigh. No complaints here. Lotte saw them, but wasn’t interested at all. Thank god she was a child. Jens also was pretty sure that she knew they weren’t just friends. She had made some comments here and there over the last week. Nothing specific though.

„Cool. Until when?“

„Only tomorrow, I have someone come around to check on the heating at my flat.“ Lucas said apologetic and immidiately went on to save a bit of her excitment. „But I may be able to be back by wednesday or thursday if your brother wants me too.“

„Of course he does.“ Lotte declared for Jens, obviously not wrong about that, so he nodded agreeing with his little sister completely. And as Jens had presumed the moment Lotte had joined them, there was a goal to her short interview.. „Are you good at math?“

„Yes, why?“ Wrong answer. Poor boy, Jens thought squeezing Lucas’s hand slightly in sympathy.

„Awesome, I’ll get my homework.“ Lotte was gone from one second to the next, leaving no moment for Lucas to reject her, as she sprinted up to her room. Jens hadn’t moved much, listening amused to their conversation. Shrugging at the overwhelmed dutch boy looking over. He would never be able to get rid of Lotte asking for help now. He almost felt a little bad. Almost. It meant Jens was freed.

„So you are good at math, huh?“ He asked, eyebrow raised in amusement. Obviously a third-graders math problems weren’t the hardest, still Lucas had been so confident. His self-esteem still growing, by the total lack of belief on Jens’s end it seemed like.

„I’ll have you know, that I am an excellent student, Mr. Stoffels. How dare you?“

„Right.“ Jens remarked rolling his eyes. He tilted his head a little, waiting for Lucas to come clean. The dutch boy never did.

„No I mean it. I usually have grades between...“ Lucas stopped in order convert grades between their systems, for a moment lost in thought. „...between 16 and 20, never worse, more towards 19ish. Why else would the schools have allowed me to move mid semester?“

„Seriously?“ Jens couldn’t help but gape at Lucas in shock. „Fuck, I’m dating a genius.“

„I wouldn’t call myself a genius, I’m just good at memorising things, unlike a certain someone.“ Lucas chuckled, his finger pressing into Jens’s temple, pushing his head a bit further away. Jens had to admit that he hadn’t questioned Lucas arriving a month into the school year. He also never focused on how well Lucas performed in classes. He was much busier being distracted by his pretty face. And hands if they attended online classes together nowadays.

„Okay, Mr Van der Heijden, you go and earn money, and I’ll cook for you until you die of old age. Moving in, inclusive. How about that for a future plan?“

The proposal hanging between them, Lotte was back, notebook and pens in hand, spreading them across the table, before she pulled her chair around to sit next to Lucas on his other free side. Exploiting the fact that Jens haden’t yet reminded her of her bedtime.

Not noticing the two boys engrossed in themselves, looking at each other, smiling brightly from ear to ear.

### Nov 16th, Monday 15:39

The phone landed somewhere to his left on the bed, when he had let it fall from his hands. Though he badly had wanted to throw it against the wall.

Unfocused Jens tried to calm himself. He knew he overreacted, that it wasn’t actually something bad, that it wasn’t meant to attack him. He wished just that his body would understand this too.

Instead his lungs felt a little too tight to allow him to breath freely. His room was too bright, so he pressed the heels of his hands to his closed eyes.

Fingers then grabbed his shoulder.

„Jens?“

That was Lucas.

Right. The boy next to him was almost about to leave. Just after they finished this online class. Which remined him that he probably should have listened to that instead of chatting away on his phone with the broerrrs.

„Did something happen?“ The fingers moved to cup his face and turn it, causing his eyes to fall free from the self induced pressure. He blinked his eyes open, trying to look at Lucas, who appeared to be puzzled, but not less worried. „Is there something I can do to help?“

„No, I’m just frustrated.“ That was a lie. Or was it? He definitely felt some sort of frustration, but he was sure it was more directed at himself and not at any of his friends.

„Okay.“ Lucas didn’t believe him, but didn’t say anything else, instead he his thumb began to slowly brush over his cheek. Jens was glad. That’s what he told himself. Aa a part of him wanted Lucas to ask him further. To question it. Even though Jens wasn’t sure if his answers would be honest. So perhaps frustration was the right word in the end.

„Moyo and Aaron are just assholes, saying stupid stuff about me having to go grocery shopping and Robbe hasn’t replied for an hour to defend me.“ Said out loud, it actually sounded childish and dumb. He felt incredibly stupid right now. God, what Lucas must think of him right now, getting worked up over some stupid comments.

For a moment there was only the sound of their teachers voice from the speakers filling the room.

„What did they say?“ Lucas looked at him, still being serious. He wasn’t laughing at Jens as the older boy had expected somehow.

„Nothing bad really. Just why I always have to do so much and have no time for them and our group any longer. Asking if they are no longer important to me. Bullshit like that. We spend basically all saturday playing games together. And Moyo often has to take care of the household and his little brother too. So why does he have to bitch about me? Bullshit.“ Jens groaned. He knew that it was unfair to compare them, like his friend had done in chat. That it was different. 

Yes Moyo had a lot of responibilities at home too. And he fullfilled those diligently. But usually just a couple days a week, not for months straight. And Jens wouldn’t even be in the position if he just simply told them. He was at fault he realised. He probably should apologise for texting them to fuck off and leave him the fuck alone. His exact words from five minutes ago.

He still was angry, so perhaps he could do that a bit later, when he wasn’t so damn emotional.

„That sucks.“ Lucas said, looking a bit at loss for how to handle the situation, Jens couldn’t blame him for that. Obviously he didn’t know the broerrs all that well yet and it did come a bit out of nowhere.

So Jens tried to smile, it had already been enough help, that Lucas had been around and listened to him. Jens actually felt already a bit better. Eating up feelings definitely never was a good idea, he had seen Robbe succumb to that last year. And now he proved them to be not better. 

Why was it so much easier to handle stuff as an outsider looking in and not vice versa?

„Do you want me to call and cancel the appointment with the caretaker? Because I would have to leave in like five to ten minutes otherwise.“ Lucas asked, pressing a kiss to Jens’s temple, brushing through his hair, before he leaned back and closed his laptop. Class was over, it was announced over chat. Lucas never took his eyes off of Jens though.

„Nah, I’m good. Otherwise I’ll call you later and complain for hours how fucked my life is. And you are not allowed to hang up until I say so.“ Jens slowly found his usual self again, smirking at Lucas, who nodded and smiled back.

„Deal!“ The boy proclaimed and then they both got up from his bed, Lucas to collect all his things, he had somehow managed to strew about the whole room, and Jens to put his schoolwork back on his desk. He would go grocery shopping first and do his homework later. Truth be told, later meant obviously not today or when the clock was running towards midnight.

„So I’ll see you on wednesday then?“

Jens almost was about to agree, when his eyes fell on the calender by his desk, the one he rarely used. Only to write his mothers appointments in, because they were important and he didn’t allow himself to forget about them. He couldn’t.

„Thursday?“ He replied therefore, daring to look at Lucas, who was busy packing his things. The younger boy sighed a little sad, but returned a smile at Jens nonetheless.

„Sure.“ He said briefly. Too brief?

„My mother has an appointment, that I accompany her to. I promised her. Sorry. It wasn’t on my mind til now.“ Jens felt the need to explain, unsure if Lucas would be dissapointed otherwise. Obviously he wouldn’t have been, as he looked over to Jens, before he got up and went to meet him at the desk. His arms wrapping around Jens’s middle.

„It is okay if you have other things planed, Jens. I do too, like with today or my own mom. So stop worrying. I can see it on your face. And I don’t want a wrinkly boyfriend, because he frowns all the time. Okay?“

Jens nodded, all his troubles shrinking away as he was being kissed by Lucas. He was so lucky to have this boy, who seemed to understand so easily. With Jana, Jens was sure, they would have fought every day. That made him notice something else.

„Did you just call me boyfriend?“ Jens asked, leaning back to see Lucas eyes go wide, as realisation hit him.

„I...yes?“ He tried cautiously, smiling awkwardly, as his cheeks blushed a faint red. „I mean. I don’t plan on seeing anyone else.“

„Me neither.“ Jens let the other boy know. „But it’s all a bit fast, isn’t it?“

Lucas shrugged.

„What isn’t with us?“

That was indeed a fair point the dutch boy made. And Jens was sure, that in his heart and mind they already were the first time they kissed, though never outspoken. They still didn’t know each other that long.

„My boyfriend then.“ Jens said, the world feeling odd on his tounge. Boyfriend. Who would have thought? Definitely not him. Weirder even, he loved the sound of it immensly. He could say it again and again. On repeat.

„Boyfriend.“ Lucas agreed, giggling softly as he let the word escape his lips and fill the air between them.

„Alright, you can go now.“ Jens declared, nodding towards the packed bag of Lucas next to the bed.

„Very lovely of you.“ Lucas joked, absolutely not offended in the slightest. They kissed again. And maybe one more time, before they broke out of their embrace.

„I guess I can finally start to be my worst around you.“

„So just the usual, huh?“ Lucas said, eyebrow raised, leaving Jens speechless. This boy always had something to hit back with. Always some last word to shut him up. So he simply followed Lucas out of his room and downstairs, giving him the victory.

They stood in the doorway of the entrance, Lucas dressed and ready to go, and yet both of them busy kissing lazily, enjoying their little intimicy.

„See you on thursday then?“ Jens whispered against Lucas’s lips, partly as a reminder for himself, pulling the boy’s closer. If it was even possible, but Lucas hadn’t yet stopped breathing, so perhaps it was still fine.

„Mhm.“ Lucas assured him wordlessly, pecking to more kisses to Lucas, smiling happily away.

„Alright, my beloved boyfriend, Mr. Van der Heijden, off you go.“ Jens tried to put some authority into his voice, ready to let go of Lucas, who, only clung stronger to him in return. Making them both laugh.

„I love when you do that.“ Lucas said quietly, looking away, as he did.

„What?“

„Call me by my last name. I don’t know, makes me happy and maybe a little excited.“ The dutch boy said, his confidence not yet back as his eyes searched for Jens’s again. 

Now that was something Jens hadn’t expected. He just started using it to make light of a situation, to get them back to the real world and do whatever they actually should be doing. Apparently it did had a different effect on Lucas.

„Dully noted.“ Jens said, his eyebrows raised mischievously. He could definitely make use of that. He snorted at how quick Lucas was to step out of his arms and open the door. It looked a bit like fleeing, if not his giggling betrayed him to let Jens believe Lucas was okay. So he let the boy leave.

„See you thursday. Can’t wait.“ Lucas shouted over his shoulder, walking up to the street.

„Me neither, Mr. Van der Heijden!“ Jens yelled after him, laughing as he watched his boyfriend trip over his own feet, trying to keep balance. It earned him a very agressive middlefinger before the door fell shut. 

The incident with his friends, not even an hour ago, completely forgotten.

### Nov 17th, Tuesday 00:20

[(clip)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/634984957348118529/nov-17th-tuesday-0020)

### Nov 17th, Tuesday 14:25

[(lockscreen)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635039982299545600/nov-17th-tuesday-1425)

### Nov 17th, Tuesday 18:03

„Robbe, you don’t know how happy I am that you are here. I think the last time we actually saw each other, was maybe in August?“ His mother probably said it for the third time. It were one of her first words that Robbe heard entering the house. Jens was sure it would also be the last. He didn’t hold it against her though. As he feared, that she feared, she may not be able to see his best friend again.

„Well, doesn’t really matter, does it? So you are still living at the flatshare?“ She continued, as she cut half of the wild, colourful array of vegtables. While Robbe did the other half. Jens was on potato duty.

„Eh yeah, Lisa only planned to go for a semester abroad and now she is doing her degree there. But she will be back next year for her masters, so.. we’ll see I guess. Not sure yet where I’ll go to university either, so I anything can happen, really.“ Robbe said slightly uncomfortable to talk about it out loud. He knew it was a sore spot between the two best friends. Who had promised to study in the same city, preferably at the same university, and grow old together. Not that Jens would ever hold it against Robbe, or be cross with him, should he be accepted anywhere else.

„I see. What are you planning to study?“ 

„Uhm, so I don’t really have spoken about it a lot, but I may try to apply to study filmmaking.“

„Flimmaking?“ His mother’s eyes darted over towards Robbe, definitely not having expected that answer. Robbe always had shown more of an interest in sience.

„Yes, I found out that I really enjoy filming and directing. Camerawork in general, I think. And with Sander... he is already excited for me, so I’ll try and see if I’m any good to get in. Doubt it. Therefore I’m still going to apply for biochemistry like I had planned originally. It’s wierd isn’t it?“

„Not at all. I think it is a great idea to try as many things as you can. Jens, could you pass me the salt?“ His mother told Robbe, smiling proudly at him, like only a mother really could, Jens believed. It made Robbe blush slightly. Jens meanwhile fullfilled his mother’s request and handed her the little shaker. 

„My mom and basically everyone else said the same thing.“

„That’s because it is true. How is she doing by the way?“

„Better.“ Robbe said it so genuine and joyful, that one couldn’t not be happy for him.

„Oh that’s nice to hear, we talked on the phone a little bit last month .She seemed to be doing alright.“ Jens looked up surprised. He hadn’t known about that. His mother had sent him a quick glance, something that unsettled him. Why were they talking? Perhaps a bit unfair of him to assume things. With Robbe and Jens being best friends, their parents obviously also had spent a lot of their time together.

„She is. I mean, there was another small episode when lockdown started, and she was a couple days at the hospital. But since then she is doing great. I visit her at home with Sander every week. They tall so much though. I usually just scroll through instagram there. But it helps both of them. And I love them, having someone to understand, that isn’t a therapist.“ Robbe explained away, definitely being so much more comfortable around the topic. His best friend had really grown up a lot over the last year. Jens was a bit jealous of him being that... Content? He wasn’t quite sure.

„Just throw them in.“ His mother quickly told Lotte, who was an absolute savage when it came to cutting onions. If Jens wouldn’t have seen his sister cry before, he may think she wasn’t able to. 

„I can imagine them having a lot of experiences in common. So you two are still together?“ She continued her little interview, turning back her attention towards Robbe.

„Mhm, a year now.“ His best friend was smiling from ear to ear. A pure ball of pride and bliss whenever he was reminded of his boyfriend. It made his mother chuckle.

„And how is it going?“ She asked, definitely enjoying the boy’s face light up further. If that was even possible.

„I still can’t believe to have him. It still feels the same now. Still exciting and right and perfect. Yes, he drives me crazy sometimes. Does and says stupid stuff. And with his work for the academy right now, he is constantly busy, ignoring me for hours every other day. But we still fall asleep and wake up to each other every night, so I think, we are very lucky.“

„Well said. You are indeed lucky.“ She laughed lightly, nodding through all of it, before she saw Lotte trying to take out the heavy baking dish from the cupboard. „Oh Lotte, wait. I’ll take that.“ She was about to step over, when Jens was taking the bowl from Lotte, placing it onto the counter next to him, smiling at his mother.

„How is your work? Jens never talks about you, other than you are still doing home-office.“ 

Here we go. He had read the messages in chat last night. He knew Robbe would want to bring it up at some point. He had already wondered all afternoon, why his best friend had decided to stay silent about it. 

Jens continued to cut his potatoes, and tried his best not to look over every other second.

„Is that so? Well, it is stressful to say the least. We are nearing the end of a very eventful year, and my department has to get everything ready to plan next year’s budgets, so you can imagine the chaos.“

„Not really, no.“ Robbe answered his mother honestly, trying for a charming smile as she nudged his shoulder.

„Let’s just say, I stare at spreadsheets, over spreadsheets of numbers every day, trying to figure out, what department and project deserve what kind of funds for next year.“ She continued to explain, very aware that it bore most people. Jens included. But his mother always had enjoyed working with numbers, she had told him. It was easier than words apparently. Jens would disagree.

„Sounds exhausting.“ Was all that Robbe said in response.

„It is.“ His mother agreed, not loosing the smile, but definitely seeing where Robbe came from.

„I guess, that’s why Jens has to help out so much, huh?“

And there it was. The one question Jens hoped to avoid in front of his mother. She was not to blame. She was sick and it was on Jens, that his friends didn’t know. It was his fault that his friends thought he ignored them, when he only tried to accommodate for everything in his live. And apparently failing miserably at it.

„Does he? I try to still do as much as possible actually.“ 

„And you do, mom, it’s fine.“ Jens said to try to not have her upset or feel inadequate. Like she should do more, help more. Wich wouldn’t help them. She needed a lot of rest. That’s what the doctor always told them.

„It’s just that, we never really get to see or talk to Jens, other than maybe at the weekend. So we are a bit worried about him.“ Robbe continued blissfully unaware of the things he was asking of her. Jens wanted him to stop. He just couldn’t bring himself to say something. His mother also didn’t need to feel guilty of shutting Jens out of his friend group. He did that just weel enough by himself.

„Oh really? But isn’t it also because of L...“

Noooooooo. Jens let the knife slip from his hands, watching it fall to the ground, before he threw his mother a glance, one that hopefully conveyed that she should not bring Lucas up.

„Mom!“ Thank god, for Lotte! He should write her songs of praise, as his sister called for attention, leaving Jens to pick up the knife. 

„I think the potatos are ready to be put in the oven.“ Lotte continued happily on, making Jens realise that indeed he had stopped cutting them minutes ago and that the baking dish was filled.

„Right! One sec, just gonna add some, oil, herbs and the vegetables and we are good to go.“ Her mother said, starting to pile everything into it, Robbe finishing the carrots just in time.

„So what were you trying to say?“ His best friend reminded of the previous conversation. Damn him.

„Ehm, Lotte and Jens are spending a lot of time together lately, maybe that adds to it?“ Well, maybe his mom had understood somehow. Jens felt so much lighter, the topic being somewhat brought to an end. Or maybe not...

„I guess.“ Robbe looked like he was about to ask something else, when his brilliant little sister’s voice interrupted his best friend, like she had done with their mother. Jens wasn’t sure if she understood and tried to help, or simply had perfect timing. He wouldn’t question it. „Also why didn’t Sander come too?“

Robbe snorted at that, just like Jens did. Of course his sister would be sad about Robbe’s boyfriend being absent.

„He is actually working on his concept for the photo shoot next month and I’m basically always with him so I am very glad to be able to see Jens on my own for once. You know talking and stuff. Sander knows that too.“

„You sat on the sofa for two hours and played Super Smash Bros.“ His little sister stated puzzled, almost accusatory.

„Just like old times.“ Jens said, grinning at Robbe over his shoulder. Who simply nodded in silent agreement. 

It honestly felt like they had been 15 all over again this afternoon. Fighting over unfair game mechanics, cheating, and trying to divert the other boys attention away in order to win. 

Playing rock-paper-scissors to see who had to get up to get more snacks and drinks. 

And just to be them alone again.

Since Jana, there was somehow always another person around. Be it Moyo, or Aaron, or Sander, or another girl Jens dated. Not that it was a bad thing, it just meant that being with Robbe alone felt nice.

Though they also felt closer and Jens wasn’t sure if it was true or just a figment of his imagination. But he believed that Robbe was more... Physical? Maybe his best friend always had been. Perhaps being out and accepted, just made him more comfortable around Jens.

He didn’t mind, he liked cuddling up on the sofa with Robbe.

„Boys.“ Lotte shook her head dramatically with a deep sigh. Much to everyone’s amusement. Ripping Jens out of his thoughts, he almost had forgotten that they all stood in the kitchen. Lotte sighed once more in a grand gesture. Certainly very dissapointed that she wasn’t able to spend her afternoon with a certain artistic boy, before she went back to the table to draw.

„So , I guess that’s it for dinner preperation. Now we wait.“ His mother said, clapping her hands, before she took her phone out to set a timer and join Lotte.

Robbe was already looking at him, when Jens turned his head.

„Super Smash Bros?“

„Super Smash Bros!“

### Nov 17th, Tuesday 23:31

„I didn’t know you’ve got your driver’s licence.“

Robbe said, as the car came to a stop infront of the building. They had droven in silence. Jens wasn’t sure when the mood had changed, between them saying good night to Lotte and his mom and him starting the car. But as soon as they were on the road, with Robbe on the passenger seat next to him, they had both stopped talking.

Instead the tension was building between them. And Jens was too much of a coward to break it.

So when Robbe’s voice whispered into the dark, Jens was simultaneously glad about it as much as he was frightened.

„Uhm, I took the classes and exams over the summer.“ He explained briefly, his fingers nervously tapping on the steering wheel, he was still holding onto.

„Why didn’t you tell us?“

You would have wanted to know why. Jens’s mind provided him with his own assumption. One he wasn’t positive the broerrrs’s reaction would actually have been. Thus he didn’t answer Robbe.

„Why didn’t you at least tell me?“

There was some hurt in his best friend’s voice that made Jens look over, only to find Robbe watching him, not showing the slightest inclination to step out of the car. His backpack ignored on the floor to his feet, his hat in his lap.

„I should have told you.“ Jens replied quietly, calculating almost what Robbe would expect him to say.

Robbe groaned in response. It wasn’t loud. It was really just frustration on his side.

„Not if you don’t want to tell me. I don’t want to force you to do anything. I want you to want yourself to tell me things. If that makes sense.“

His best friend looked a little lost at his own words, not exactly sure if he had worded his emotions correctly. He bit his lip, waiting patiently, as his eyes fell into his lap once more.

„I’m sorry.“ Jens whispered. He felt awful, worse than he would have thought. He hadn’t expected his friends to worry that much. Jens til now had believed to have done quite well so far. He was wrong though, wasn’t he?

„No. Jens, that’s not how this works.“ Robbe’s answer came almost immediately and loud. Loud enough for Jens to be startled by it and flinch. Robbe unfortunately wasn’t done yet.

„I don’t care who you talk to, okay? Any of us. And yes I’d like that to be me, as your best friend, but even if it is Moyo or Milan or Jana, it’s fine. If not, I’m gonna send Zoë over. She got me to talk and seek help last year. I know how much it sucks to bottle things up. So for fuck’s sake, do something! Anything!“

Robbe was yelling at the end, definitely done with silence.

Jens couldn’t remember a single time he had seen Robbe like this. His breathing was heavy and his eyes were staring him down it appeared like. The light of the streetlamp fell sidewise into his face, covering him half into a thick shadow. Jens hated to be the reason for his distress.

He wished he could just tell Robbe everything right now, just blurt it out. Explain how he got here, what had started it, what would end it... But for month he had kept quiet, carrying the weight around with him. It got comfortable inside his mind. Just tugged away, close enough to remind him every night he lay in bed. It almost felt impossible to talk about. Like he had to carve it out.

Jens could feel his chest tighten, Robbe was still looking at him.

He needed to breathe. His hand came to his jacket, opening it up. Was he shaking? Jens believed he was. His right hand on the steering wheel certainly was. He could see it, before his vision blurred and he began to sob. First so softly, it wasn’t really noticable. Until it became stronger and more uncontrollable with the growing panic of having to talk about it.

„Jens? Fuck. Jens?“

He turned his head towards where he imagined Robbe’s voice to come from, immediately a hand coming to pull him into a tight hug. His head fell onto the shoulder of his best friend, as his own two hands basically clawed into the fabric of Robbe’s sweater.

„Fuck, are you crying? Don’t cry. Shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry.“

His best friend definitely was absolutely lost at Jens’s outburst. Robbe tried to calm him down in any way possible, stroking his back, shushing him, swaying them lightly, as much as the constraints of the car let them move anyway.

It just didn’t help. Tears constantly streaming down his face, the spot where his cheek met the fabric turning dark. 

„I don’t know what to do, Jens. Fuck.“ He heard Robbe’s voice quiver, his best friend pecking a kiss into the mop of hair, before he rested his chin on Jens’s shoulder in return. Robbe was sobbing too.

Great now they both were crying.

So they just did that for a while. 

As cars were passing them on the street, and ever so often people on their way home presumbly. They were hidden in the dark, save from any prying eyes.

„I know I am always with Sander. That I tend to neglect other people since. That I’m not such a good friend lately. Especially with you and...“

„That’s not part of it. At all.“ Even in a whisper did his voice sound coarse. It was the first time he spoke since he had become overwhelmed by his own inadequacy to control his feelings. But he was glad that it was infront of Robbe. Glad to have this great best friend here with him. He had to assure him that he wasn’t the reason. Robbe was his one constant in his life. He couldn’t let this boy believe that he wasn’t a good enough friend to Jens.

„No?“ Robbe lifted his head, pushing himself slightly away to have a better view possibly, but Jens just pulled him back, hiding his face away.

„No.“ He told his best friend instead.

„Oh thank god.“ The relief clear in his voice, as Robbe lost a bit of the tension in his body. Not that he was any closer to have gotten Jens to talk, yet apparently happy to not have pushed his friend away. This silly boy, always taking everything directly to heart, always thinking to be at fault. When Jens was glad he had found Sander, who really had turned Robbe into a stronger and more confident person over the last year.

If Jens was honest with himself, then perhaps he was just like Robbe in his fear to be to blame for everything happening.

„What is it then?“ Robbe tried again now that the dramatic moment of clinging to each other for comfort and reassurance had passed.

„I can’t.“ The two words barely able to form on his tounge. 

This time it was Jens pulling himself out of the embrace, brushing the last tears pouring over his cheeks out of his face, with the sleeve of his jacket.

Robbe nodded, deep in thought, as he regarded his best friend. Not the outcome he had hoped for.

„Okay.“ The resignation was strong in his answer and the expression on his face. Still he nodded, collecting his things, ready to leave. He stopped with the hand on the door handle.

„I don’t like the idea of you driving home like this. I don’t think Sander will mind at all... so will you come up and stay over? No talking, I promise.“

Jens shook his head. He knew it hurt Robbe.

„I can’t.“ I have to take Lotte to school. He added in his mind. His fucking stupid mind. He just had to say it out loud. It would solve this, wouldn’t it?

„Okay. Drive save and good night, I guess.“ Robbe sighed and got out anyway.

„Good night... I love you. And I’ll text you when I’m home.“ He promised his best friend as he stood outside.

Neither of them smiled, both close to tears once again. So Robbe closed the door and Jens started the engine and just drove off. He could see his best friend in the rear mirror, watching him from the spot on the pavement he had parked at. Until Jens turned the corner and was gone.

### Nov 18th, Wednesday 14:48

„But as I said earlier, it may not even be effective. The preferred outcome would let us obtain a couple weeks additionally for you and your family. Yet to be clear, chances are, at best, slim.“

Dr. Henin sat across, the thick case file of his mother opened in the middle between them on the desk. Showing charts and spreadsheets that Jens couldn’t possibly decipher even if he wanted to. So he stared in the general direction of the papers instead, holding his mothers hand in his lap, as she had reached for him not long ago.

„I would also like to add, as opposed to summer given the regulations, you would need to stay at the hospital for the whole 2 weeks I’d set for treatment and tests. We can not risk you having to commune between home and here every day. Not with the requiering therapy in work.“

His mom was watching him, when Jens looked over, trying to see what she would want for herself. He’d accept it anyway, no matter what would come.

No one was speaking for a long moment, as she considered her desicion. Til Dr. Henin’s voice once more filled the room. Jens was quite certain that in the last hour, his mom and him, mostly him, barely had managed to get a single word out. They were both sunken deep into concentrating on what the woman infront of them tried to convey to the two unlucky souls.

„You won’t have to decide now. But I’d need your plans on how to advance from here on monday. Latest. I did notice a very faint yellowish colouring of your skin when you entered, Mrs. Stoffels. Nothing yet strongly concerning, but an foreboding sign nonetheless. And you’ve lost a lot of weight since september. If we are very lucky, we can halt it for a little while longer.“

Jens and his mom were still captivated in their shared gaze as they nodded acknowledging the vague suggestion swinging in Dr. Henin’s words. Jens wasn’t sure if they communicated anything by watching each other, but it did spent them some solace. At least they weren’t alone with the knowledge.

„I’ll call you then on monday?“ His mother asked, turning away from him, to look back at Dr. Henin, so Jens followed her lead. What else was he supposed to do? He was just here to listen, to hopefully get the slightest grip on an idea of the current state and it’s outcome. Though he wished, he wouldn’t have to be here at times.

„That’s fine by me. Still my advise would be to call as soon as you can, any day earlier gives us perhaps a bit more ground to work on. I’m here over the weekend. I’m so sorry, I can’t do more for you.“ The woman said, as she specifically turned towards Jens. He was unable to speak, like he had almost been for an hour, leaving the two actual adults in the room to talk themselves.

„If you are able to, make sure your mother eats something at least, as always preferably no red meats, and instead soft foods should help. You know the drill, I’m afraid.“

„Of course.“ Jens found himself confirm, as Dr. Henin tried for an encouraging smile. That fell completely flat, when Jens wasn’t able to bring himself to feel and look anything else than sad and tired. He barely had slept last night after having come home. His mind running circles on what had happened between Robbe and him. He surprisingly hadn’t cried or panicked again, which was a plus in his books. He just hadn’t slept over more than an hour.

„Good. Never forget though, that not just your mother should eat and rest, but you as well.“

Maybe his exhaustion wasn’t as subtle as he had thought it to be, so he nodded again and helped his mother to get into her coat, after all three of them had stood up.

„I’ll see you soon then.“ Dr. Henin told them, walking around the table to see them out. She was looking sympathically at the couple infront of her. Pity. Jens wasn’t sure if he wanted it in order to feel his and his mother’s awful situation recognised, or instead rather punch it out of her face. True, it was a bit agressive and definitely an exaggeration on his side. The feeling nonetheless lingered there. He felt almost helpless to his state.

„Thank you so much, doctor. As always.“ His mother’s voice was weak, Jens couldn’t tell if it came with her emotional or physical exhaustion. Perhaps both. So he placed his hand on her lower back for support. And just in case to have a better chance of keeping her from falling.

„Yes, thank you. Have a good day.“ Jens bid his good bye, stirring his mother around to lead her down the empty hospital’s hallway. Only occasionally did they pass a stranger or nurse. It felt oddly silent, their steps echoing eerily, as the white walls encompassed them.

„You too.“ The voice behind reached them just before they left the wing and then the thud of a closing door followed not long after.

„Damn. I could go for a smoke. Will you join this old mother of yours?“ It was the first time today that for some miraculous reason his face responded with a smirk, as he listened to her sudden suggestion.

„The best thing I’ve heard all day.“ He responded excitedly, hearing her snorting next to him. Obviously the bar wasn’t set very high to be met.

The heavieness of the hospital fell away as they stepped out of the building and onto the parking lot. He took a deep breath, ready to get into the car and drive them home. He knew that his mother probably carried a joint with her. But driving a car while high and only having his licence for a couple of month seemed a bit much reckless and stupid. And illegal. So they would have to be patient for a little while longer.

Lotte was being picked up with Olivia by Lars aynway. Thank god. So she wouldn’t be home til after dinner. That left enough hours for Jens and his mother to lie on the sofa, watch some boring show and smoke til they would be englufed in a pleasent feeling of numbing lightness.

Sounded like heaven to him, if one would ask.

He also had been excused for all classes by his teachers. Which meant no consequences for laziness on his end today, and further, no other obligations. Laundry was done, Leftovers from yesterday waiting in the fridge.

Fuck yes.

### Nov 19th, Thursday 17:13

„Lucas is here!!“

„Alright sweety, I think everyone on the street has heard that now.“ His mother assured her loudly as she herself got up to follow her daughter to the door. Jens was only half listening, he was thinking. About Tuesday. About yesterday. About every day to come.

„It’s good to see you again, Lucas. How are you?“

„Really great actually, thank you, hope you too?“ There was some rustling of clothes and shuffling of feet coming from the entrance, Jens couldn’t see from where he sat in the corner or the living room.

„Bit suffering under the weather, but that’s alright.“ His mother replied, the front door fell shut.

„Understandable.“ The three, his mother, Lotte and his boyfriend, almost had made it back into the livingroom. „Oh, I actually bought cake on my way over. We can have it for dessert. Or before for tea.“

„That’s so kind. But I already like you, no need for bribes.“ His mother joked, chuckling even as she took something from Lucas that sounded like paper? Plastic? Jens didn’t look up yet, he was busy staring down on the keys and his hands.

„Well, I’ll probably do something stupid at one point, better keep stacking up some plus points.“ Both of them sounded pleased. And Lotte said something, he didn’t catch, before the chairs scratched over the floor.

„Wow, I didn’t know you played. I thought this was a recording.“

He stopped, his fingers lingering on top of the keys of the old wooden upright piano. Lucas squeezing himself next to Jens on the little black bench shouldn’t have startled him as much. He obviously had heard him come over. He still needed a second to catch up. So he pulled his hands away, to let them sink into his lap, turning his head towards Lucas. 

How long hadn’t they seen each other? Merely a couple of days. 

He had missed this pretty face. The world appeared a bit brighter now.

„I’m not nearly good enough, as I super rarely play, but thanks, I guess.“ Jens told him, smiling lightly at the boy, who went to rest his hand on Jens’s tigh. Close enough that their fingers touched.

„Lucas, first of all he is lying, he is really good. He is just a dumb teenage boy who thought one day that piano lessons are for loosers. And second of all, if you want to keep collecting brownie points, get him to do anything but play Schubert again. He has been playing the same piece for two hours. It has to stop.“

„Yes, Lucas, please!“

Lotte strong heartedly supported their mother’s complaints, as they both turned their heads to plead with Lucas, who was very much amused in return. Nodding strongly.

„I was playing more than one piece, and you two know it.“ Jens was lying, he had played a couple of pieces first, until Minuet in A Major let him think clearly and then he basically had looped it until now. Problem was, the piece was only three minutes long, so he could see their point.

„Then play something else for me.“ Lucas suggested so cheery that Jens obviously couldn’t refuse. 

„Okay. What do you want?“

„Mhm, what can you play? Anything comes to mind, looking at my beautiful face.“

Jens’s eyes darted over to his mother and his sister sitting at the dining table, englufed in Lotte’s homework. If they had heard Lucas, they didn’t commented about it.

„Schumann?“ He said, letting his gaze fall back to Lucas’s eyes not having lost an ounce of his excitment.

„I have zero clues about classical music, dude, so play away.“

That’s what he did, raising his hands again to fall into place. Muscle memory so much stronger then he would like to admit. He didn’t had to think long about the right notes and rythym. He wasn’t sure why it had come to mind, but he hoped the boy would enjoy it enough to sit through the next couple of minutes.

Jens really hadn’t need to worry about that, as when he finished and turned his head, he found his boyfriend watching him mesmerised. He could have probably fucked the whole piece up and still managed to make Lucas happy. Jens would be lying if he wouldn’t acknowledge that he was blushing faintly.

„What is it called?“ Lucas whispered. Why he did, Jens couldn’t figure out.

„Eh, Widmung, opus 25, number 1.“ Thank god, as he was glad to have remembered it correctly. His mother or Lotte would definitely have corrected him there. And wouldn’t that have been awkward?

„Yea this doesn’t help at all, but I liked it a lot.“ Lucas grinned, now speaking louder again, never taking his eyes off Jens, as he went on. „Perhaps I’m a bit biased though. Still thank you.“

„Anytime.“ Jens smirked, feeling a little proud to have been able to impress his boyfriend.

„So what kind of music do you actually listen too, I doubt it’s just classical music all day.”

„How do you know I don’t?“ Jens replied feighing shock at Lucas’s absolute correct assumption.

„Oh, I don’t know, you just don’t look like a posh piano lover to me.“ His boyfriend’s expression was way to comfortable in his teasing.

„Aha.“ Jens felt already better, now that he was back into familiar banter with Lucas, after long days of dull sadness drowning him.

„Mhm.“ Lucas doubled down, without much words, but it made Jens to actually answer him.

„Well, I listen to a lot of r&b, you know, hiphop, rab kinda genres. Kendrik Lamar, Childish Gambino, Logic. To list some better known artists.”

„Of course you do, my youtuber skater boy.“

„Stop.“ Jens laughed as he watched the grin widen on Lucas’s face. „If I’m such a cliche, what are you listening to then, huh?“

„Ehm, a lot of indie music, acoustic versions, I’d say. I don’t think you would know them.“

„Much pretentious, aren’t we.“ Jens replied, getting nudged by Lucas, causing him almost to fall off the bench, that still was barely large enough to fit them both.

„What? Not at all.“ Lucas defended himself using the second of Jens readjusting himself on the bench, to link his arm lightly with Jens’s. 

Apparently Lucas didn’t mind being seen and obviously it was just his mother and his sister, so why was Jens not more casual about it? He really should stop worrying about it.

„You tell yourself that.“ He smirked instead, yanking Lucas lightly were they were now linked by the elbow. 

„And what else? Like what is something that comforts you, or is it really just r&b all day, every day?“ Lucas’s questions just kept coming.

„No, I enjoy classical music, immensly. Going to concerts and such. But something else would be nordic folk. Folk in general.“

„And you call me pretentious?” Lucas asked accusatory, leaning back from Jens in wonder, as the slight smile didn’t leave his lips, his mouth open. „The audacity.“

„Guilty. What about you then?“ 

„Ah lot’s of disco and funk. Some pop. 70s, 80s, you know. The good stuff.“

„Jesus.“ 

This was taking turns Jens hadn’t expected. Not that he would mind listening to whatever Lucas would put on. He’d probably be able to enjoy it nonetheless. But they barely had anything in common, other than maybe folk and indie, did they? This surely would be fun to figure out on long car rides.

„It’s great music. Sander and me are very much on the same page there, give or take some artists, we can’t agree on. Robbe was so close to throw us out that saturday I stayed over.“

„I can imagine.“ Jens completely was with his best friend there. Lucas and Sander passionately arguing over 70s music. No thank you. „I have to ask, how old are you, again?“

„Shut up. Third question.“ Lucas replied, shaking his head.

„More?“ Jens was pretty sure they had covered everything. He was wrong though.

„Third question. What is something you listen to, when you are one hundred percent sure, no one you know is around to see you vibing to it.“

Jens laughed. Loud and absolutely done with his boyfriend and his little interview. 

„Tell me.“ Lucas pleaded, pursing his lips, as he leaned in closer. Fuck.

„I love Doja Cat. And Ashnikko“ Jens tried so hard to stay confident in his answer, because not even Robbe had seen Jens put it on. He only ever safely lipsynched parts of her songs at parties, where alcohol was involved. Or all in its entirety alone in his room.

„I have no clue who that is.“ Lucas said, clearly a bit more somber now that he couldn’t make fun of Jens, as he didn’t know the artist that well. Thank god.

„I’m sure you have heard some songs of them. But yea they are some powerful woman. I know practically every word to their songs, and if you tell anyone else I’ll kill you.“

„Well, now I need to see you sing them.“ Lucas was back in his element of making Jens’s live harder, as the smirk returned on his lips.

„Nope.“ Jens cut off any further demands, before it was too late. „Who do you secretly listen to?“

„This is embarrasing but I was and still am a One Direction fan.“ Oh yes, this was good. Jens would never let Lucas forget that he had told him this. „I also may or may not have had, and still have, a crush on Harry Styles. So sorry, but you are out, the second I get a chance.“

„Wow, thank you.“ Jens laughed, pecking a kiss on the pouting lips of Lucas. Who tried his hardest to keep himself from falling into giggling with Jens.

He had actually forgotten that the weren’t alone when his mother’s voice came from the other side of the big space inside his house. Loud enough to stare at Lucas in shock. 

The boy next to him just shrugged his shoulders amused.

„How about you put some of these songs on, that you so dearly love apperently. And Lotte and me can find out who actually has some taste in music.“

### Nov 20th, Friday 14:24

Jens had just pulled Lucas in, kissing him hungry for more, when someone came up the stairs. His mother to be exact, as they realised, once they jumped apart infront of Jens’s room in panic.

„Morning boys.“

„It is two in the afternoon.“ Jens reminded her, his heart still beating loud in his chest. He couldn’t stop thinking if his mother had seen them or not. It still was undiscussed what relationship Lucas and him had. He would tell her soon, he swore himself, though he was certain, his mother had already put two and two together. Wasn’t that hard to begin with.

„Close enough.“ His mother only replied amused, as she nipped at the tea from the steaming mug in her hands, watching both boys over the rim. She must have noticed Lucas holding his bag in his hands, her brows raised in question.„Are you already leaving?“

„Yeah, I’m picking up my mom from the hospital today.“ Lucas explained, smiling. He was excited since he had woken up. Apparently his mother would bake for him, which she hadn’t done in a long time.

„The hospital?“His mother was clearly affected, possibly immediately reminded of herself and Jens. Perhaps even afraid it was something serious.

„Mhm. She suffers from chronic depression and she takes part in a study for a new medication that is in it’s last stage. It works really well for her fortunately. And she always tells me she feels like herself again. It’s going great actually.“

„Oh, that is nice to hear, good for you both. What’s her name?“

„Frieda.“ Lucas said, as Jens noticed he had never asked her name. That’s probably something he should know as his boyfriend.

„Well please send her my regards, and if she wants she could come over too one time. She doesn’t really know many people here, I assume. And I never get to see many adults with being in homeoffice. Would be a nice change to my, very beloved of course, children.“

„I’ll let her know.“

„Oh god.“ Jens groaned, much to his mothers and Lucas’s delight, as they both grinned at him. Lucas was too comfortable around his mother, for sure.

„No one asked you, Jens.“ His mom reproached, obviously joking, as she giggled light-hearted. He did notice her, grabbing onto the banister next to her though, the other hand holding onto the mug tight. 

„I’m not keeping you from meeting her, it’s just..“ Four eyes were watching him amused, as he halted himself from saying something stupid, so he wouldn’t satisfy their expectations. „Actually don’t mind me.“

Jens was ready to nudge Lucas towards the stairs and get them down, so his mother could get to bed again, when Lucas remembered something.

„Right, there was something else, I wanted to ask you actually, Helena.“

„Yes?“ His mother asked, probably as confused as her son was.

„I know that Jens always has to take Lotte to school and tonight my mom is gonna be home, but if you wouldn’t mind, maybe Jens could sleep over at mine for a change tomorrow?“ Jens wasn’t sure where this has come from, as they never had brought this up. Aside from the one time after they had the heavy make out session on Lucas’s sofa, that he thought about too often. „Only if he wants to, I didn’t really asked before.“

„I don’t know Lucas.“ Jens was struggeling. He really wanted to say yes, but leave Lotte alone with his mom for longer than a couple of hours? He knew he would worry too much to find any sleep.

„Nonesense, I think it is a great idea. Might do you some good to get out of here for a night. And perhaps we could ask Lars? I don’t think he would mind to look after Lotte for the weekend. What do you think?“ His mother suggested, smiling encouragingly at Jens, who bit his lip, still not convinced. This was pretty much on short notice. Though it wouldn’t hurt to text and see, if Lars would be even available.

„Okay.“ Jens agreed, not yet completely confirming to it. „But only if Lars has time.“

„Nice! Thank you, Helena. I didn’t think he would say yes.“ 

Lucas enthusiasm was addicting, it managed to make him kinda excited as well at the prospect of having an actual night to themselves in an empty flat. His boyfriend grabbing his hand, happily smiling as he looked at him. Sometimes Lucas was too adorable. And how much he would hate Jens pointing it out loud.

„Me neither, but hey, people surprise you sometimes. Even my son.“ 

As if Jens would never leave the house. It was just staying out overnight lately that had him worried.

„Right, time for you to leave. I’ll see you out.“ Jens said, pulling Lucas with him forward and down the stairs, as his mother stepped aside, teasingly calling out to them, as she went to her bedroom.

„Take your time, you two.“

God, no. Maybe he really should sleep at Lucas’s tomorrow.

„Have a nice day, Helena!“ Lucas shouted back up unbothered and very pleased at Jens’s sour expression, that he lost quickly after, as soon as Lucas’s lips found his, hands slipping under his shirt, brushing over his lower back. Jens almost didn’t hear his mother’s reply.

„You too, Lucas. See you soon.“

### Nov 20th, Friday 20:24

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635332467409272832/nov-20th-friday-2024)

## End of week 4

(Nacht by Oh Bazart)

* * *

_The song "Nacht" by Bazart was actally a recommendation that I got from a lovely tumblr user called @odi-et-amo85, who is the cutest!!_

_I just couldn't get it out of my head the last couple of days and it fit so nicely, that I had to use it._

_Hopefully you enjoyed reading week 4, and that you'll accompany me through the next one._

_Have a good night/great day, wherever you are dear reader!_


	5. I Want To Feel Alive - Week 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it to week 5.
> 
> And in case you haven't noticed it, or picked up on it throughout the last 4 weeks, I added some tags. I'll also give you a quick heads up in case it would be relevant for any of you out there reading.
> 
> Saturday clip:
> 
> TW: mentioning of cancer only in name, terminal illness
> 
> You could skip it, but it is a main topic in this story and will appear again.

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## I Want To Feel Alive - Week 5

### Nov 21st, Saturday 18:24

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635415993573949440/nov-21st-saturday-1824)

### Nov 21st, Saturday 21:59

„Then talk to me!“

„Everyone wants me to fucking talk. Bullshit!“

„I can’t speak for others, but yes, Jens! I want you to talk to me, because you are screaming at me. In my flat. At fucking ten at night. And. I. Don’t. Know. Why.“

Jens was uncertain who was louder at that point. 

Lucas was flaring his nose, his hands balled into tight fists on his side. Trembling. Both of them.

Jens had just taken another step back, after he had agressivly shook Lucas’s hand off his arm in an attempt to get away. Now on top of being furious the boy across of him looked also hurt.

Why were they fighting anyway? Jens didn’t want to fight. He didn’t really know what he wanted, now that he took a second to contemplate it. An hour ago they had eaten dinner and talked about Lucas baking with his mom the day before and then... Then Lucas had said something about Monday and his friends, and Jens had gotten angry. First he had run off into Lucas’s room, but was followed, so he had yelled at him to leave him the fuck alone, and from there it was really just a blur.

His shoulders fell, as did his rage, letting Lucas watch him confused for a while, until he himself relaxed enough to look almost his usual self again.

„Fine.“ Jens whispered, more directed to the room around him, than his increasingly worrying boyfriend. He was so fucking nervous.

Lucas must have had trouble to hear it. Jens’s sudden change in volume was irritating even him. Not a minute ago Jens had shouted from the top of his lungs, only to collapse in on himself the next moment and feel incredibly lost.

One of them apparently had moved first, as he slumped down on the edge of Lucas’s bed, followed by Lucas next to him, so close, if Jens would just slide over a hand wide, he’d be flushed up against his boyfriend’s side. But he didn’t. He needed space to think, space to breathe and space to be able to flee, should the situation arise.

„It’s fucking unfair.“ He repeated therefore out loud what looped in his mind at every waking moment, as Lucas stayed silent. They weren’t looking at each other, instead both of them staring strictly at the wall infront of them. Perhaps he could do it. Actually get something out. By god, he would at least try.

Just say anything that comes to mind, he demanded of himself. 

So Jens took a breath, kneading his hands in his lap. His nerves on alert, waiting for his brain to find a coherent thought, the tiniest bit of sense to hold onto and finally from it into words.

„You want to know, why, huh. Alright. Fine. I hate everything. I really don’t though. Because no one is to blame, I guess. Fuck. This doesn’t make sense. I don’t know how to explain...“ He stopped, almost entertaining the idea of shutting this down, to run until his lungs would burn. Until he was far enough away to pretend again that it was fine. „Bullshit.“

Jens was pretty sure, that he sounded like a mad man, answering his own thoughts. But Lucas was still there and still listening and not asking any questions. In a long time no one had not asked him questions. This was easier, wasn’t it? To talk to a blank wall in a room that only happened to house another person? 

„I obviously know why I’m like this.“

The next part was the hardest. He felt tears already dwelling up inside, desperate to escape his eyes. He knew the thoughts that came at this point. He had them haunting him at early morning hours after too long nights. He had them already in summer, when he was partying with friends and went home alone as the sun came up. And he had them nowadays as he hid in the dark of his room.

„I’m watching her die infront of me and there is nothing I can do, but sit and let it happen. And I can’t even really hate someone for it, now can I? As it is no one’s damn fault. Just a fluke of nature. Fuck nature! You don’t know her different. But she is so thin now. And pale. And her hair. She had beautiful hair, you know. Always a little curled, I used to play with her hair as a boy in her arms. But now it just...“

The sentence was never finished. as the fear of opening up and laying his heart bare was growing. He was afraid that he coudn’t keep himself from starting to cry to a point he could no longer talk. Because he wanted to say more before his courage would leave him. He needed this out in the open, to look at it. To see it face to face.

„I never said it out loud to anyone who wasn’t considered home.“

This clearly just added to the pile of things that wouldn’t make a lot of sense to Lucas. He almost pitied the boy to have to listen to his frantic rambling. Surely it was a mess. But for now he needed to breath. Just one deep breath.

If it only wouldn’t be so much harder to not just stuff everything away and ignore it again for the most part. It was tearing at his very soul, it felt like. He wasn’t sure if the cutting pain stemed from his incapability to rightly explain his feelings or the desperate sobs he swallowed down. He was so tired of feeling like this. Helpless. Anxious.

Though like a paradox unfolding, the pressure simultaneously was shrinking, thoughts coming easier and easier to him, because the next part wasn’t about his confusing emotions he couldn’t find words for. This was alomst numbness at the plain recalling of events that happened to his family this year.

„My mom has cancer.“

There it was, the beast, out to get him, or better his mother. Said in the faintest way possible, he might have imagined it.

„Pancreatic cancer to be exact. She had been diagnosed in march, after month of her feeling not well. Stage two, they told us. She would need surgery and she’d have a chance to get better. Not so much luck. Fucking corona delayed the date and it turns out they were wrong when they cut her open. It already had spread, looked like late stage three instead. That was in late april. Two cycles of chemo in June and August. It just spread further. Maybe half a year left from there. So they told us we should start preparing for the worst.“

Maybe he wasn’t as fine as he had believed, as he was crying ugly tears now, burying his upper face and eyes in his hands, trying his best to keep his voice steady. Just loud enough to continue. For Lucas’s sake, but most importantly his own.

„In september I was back in school, and I don’t know why, but over the summer I had started to strictly devide between home and family, and school and friends. And now I can’t seem to bring it together any longer. This probably sounds ridiculous, but I simply can’t make it. And even worse, there is Lotte. She’s only eight. She doesn’t understand exactly what’s happing, other than that our mom is sick and won’t get better. She doesn’t know her father. And Lies left four years ago to study abroad. Now she lives and works there. Occasional phonecalls and christmas visits. She was back two years ago for a couple of month, but honestly, I think that is all that Lotte remembers of her. So I’m trying so fucking hard to be there for her. But I’m only eighteen. Yet who else does she have? It just get’s harder and harder and I just want it all to slow down a little, just for a while, just so I can have some more time to be myself. I didn’t mean to push my friends away. Or you earlier.”

The words pouring out of him faster and faster as he was running from their hurtful meaning, rushing to be done with it. He wouldn’t allow himself to think too much, to dwell on it for too long. 

Jens dared to look up, his hands falling off of his face. He just needed to see Lucas, just to be reassured that he had actually spoken out loud. He didn’t know what he would do, if it turned out it had only happened inside his head. 

So he turned slightly, greeted by blue sad eyes watching him in the dark. Still silent.

„I was different before march, I think. Because three years ago, I worried about, how I could get weed and alcohol and a girl to fuck me. Two years ago, I worried about loosing my girlfriend, whom I had cheated with, on my ex. One year ago, I worried about my best friend blocking me out of his life, before he came out to me. Now this year, I worry about how to tell my sister that her mom is dead, when she finally losses the battle. This fucking year, I also worry about how to raise my eight year old sister for the next ten to come. It doesn’t compare, does it? Or am I wrong? What the fuck, Lucas? This is bullshit. It’s fucking unfair!“

He knew he was yelling again in his frustration. Against the stupid sobs and the dumb tears running over his face.

„And everybody wants to talk. And everyone who knows wants to help... How? There is no goddamn help. No one can keep her from dying. All I want is for my mom to stay.“

He had to take another deep breath to calm down enough to not get angry again. So much anger. It should scare him more than it did.

Lucas was nodding, fighting his own tears, as his hand hovered just slightly over Jen’s shoulder, afraid to touch after how Jens had reacted before. But something must have made him overcome the hesitation, as Jens was wraped instead into his boyfriends arms. Finally, he could stop. His head pressed against Lucas’s chest. Dozen of kisses placed everywhere Lucas could reach. He was almost reminded of Tuesday. Of Robbe. And for a second he was afraid. 

He hoped Robbe wouldn’t mind that he had told Lucas first. Robbe would understand, wouldn’t he?

„I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.“

„I didn’t tell you.“ Jens breathed into the white fabric of Lucas’s shirt, clinging to the other boy, desperate to feel not so alone any more. He just couldn’t stop feeling he was left on his own. Not even after he had told Lucas. This was supposed to help him feel better. Everyone always told him that. Now he wasn’t sure it actually had.

„Jens, Wha..“

„Don’t. Please.“ He coupldn’t possibly see himself answer any question Lucas was about to bring up. So he vehemently shook his head, when his boyfiend almost began another attempt to say something.

„I want to sleep.“ Jens stated ,perhaps a bit harsh from his exhaustion taking over. He felt sorry about it. Lukas didn’t deserve that after everything.

„Sure.“ Was the whispered reply, before his face was cupped and lifted to be kissed by Lucas. Gentle, and just long enough for Jens to feel loved by the boy holding him up above water, it seemed like.

Both of them undressing in silence afterwards, moving slowly, almost cautiously.

Not a single word would have consoled Jens in this moment. What did instead, was Lucas pulling him closer under the heavy blanket that covered them, clouding them into the warmth of their bodies pressed against each other. Jens resting his head once more by his boyfriend’s chest, while Lucas almost appeared to shield him from the world. One arm wrapped tightly around his body, the other stretched over his head on the pillow. 

They remained just like this.

It was hard to tell if Lucas had fallen asleep or not after a while, but his heart was beating steady again and his breathing had slowed down.

Jens wasn’t alone, was he?

Even though he couldn’t answer his question right now, he at least could feel safe for the night. Tomorrow he could start to worry again. That’s what he told himself, before he shut his eyes, concentrating solely on Lucas’s chest raising and falling, until he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

### Nov 22th, Sunday 11:11

Jens woke to an intangible heaviness weighing on him in an unfamiliar bed. To get up today wouldn’t be easy. He blinked his eyes open slowly, allowing his conciousnous to remember having fallen asleep in Lucas’s arms in the same boy’s room. The argument came back to mind as well. He didn’t want to think about that now, so his eyes found his boyfriend who sat propped up against the bed rest, typing something on his phone.

The sun was out and shining on a day he had rather preferred to bring clouds and rain. But it allowed for the room to be covered in a white light, letting Lucas’s eyes glow in a deep blue. A shade that Jens was positive he hadn’t seen before, it was absolutely captivating. His boyfriend was so damn beautiful and Jens was afraid to wake up one day to feel different about it. Unthinkable, really.

„Morning.“ He whispered after some time had past in the calm of an empty flat on a sunday morning.

Lucas was startled for a second by the low voice, his head turning to look down at Jens. Not wasting another second, he put the phone away, sliding down to be on his level. The younger boy raised his hand to brush through Jens’s hair.

„Morning.“ Lucas said, 

„How late is it?“ Jens couldn’t possibly tell, as he was used to be up when the night haden’t quite left yet. But now the sun was already shining, throwing long shadows on the wall behind them from two plants dressing the window sill.

„Mhm something after eleven.“ His boyfriend replied, the uncertainty clear in his face, even though he had his phone just a minute ago. If Jens was honest, he probably wouldn’t have a clue either. How often had he specifically looked up the time on his phone to immediately forget it. It suddenly hit him that Lucas had said eleven.

„Wow.“

„Mhm?“ Lucas looked puzzled, his hand coming to a halt, as he waited for Jens to elaborate.

„I’m not sure when I slept for over eight hours the last time, and beyond eight o’clock too.“

The younger boy grinned at him, it made his heart jump in his chest. If he wouldn’t feel as odd as he did today, he would have smiled back. It certainly did catch Lucas’s attention. The fact that Jens couldn’t quite gather the energy to put any emotion in his face nor voice.

„How are you feeling?“ Lucas asked, his hand brushing down the back of his head, playing with the short hair in his neck.

„Honestly?“

„Yes, honestly.“ 

Jens wasn’t that sure how he felt. His mind was a bit foggy, he didn’t really wanted to think back to last night. Even though it was a calming feeling to not have to hide and ponder every word spoken out loud in front of Lucas now. So he was honest.

„I don’t know. Nothing really has changed for me, has it?“

„True.“ Lucas’s smile fell away. Jens didn’t like that. He never wanted to be a reason of worry for his boyfriend. But after yesterday it was no longer in his hands to decide. He expected to be asked about his whole situation. But Lucas didn’t, instead the question was a completely different one: „Can I kiss you?“

„Since when are you asking?“ Jens tried his hardest to convey his amusement, he partially succeeded, as the softest smile was back on the boy’s pretty lips.

„I’m just not sure, how to handle this. Maybe you want to... I don’t know.“ The little shrug Lucas did, as he said those words, made Jens weak.

„Yes Lucas, you, as my boyfriend, may kiss me.“ He said, moving closer, resting one hand against Lucas chest as the other pulled the younger boy towards him by his waist.

„Fuck off.“ Lucas whispered against Jens’s lips as he leaned in to close the last bit of distance between them.

It was almost saddening to think about yesterday. They could have enjoyed just that, lying in bed, making out, letting themselves fall into further unexplored territory. Without any worry if them being interrupted. Instead he had fucked it all up. 

He promised himself to savour every of these future moments between just them. As he did now, letting Lucas push him back into the pillows. 

Perhaps it could have lead to more, if Jens would have pulled Lucas completely onto him. Instead they shared some longer kisses, content with the tenderness shared.

„Can I go with you back today? I don’t want you sleeping alone tonight.“ Lucas asked, searching for his eyes, as the boy hovered over him, waiting for Jens to agree. So he did and nodded lightly. He even felt relieved at the prospect of Lucas being there with him at night. The confession still fresh in mind, the loneliness still lingering.

„Okay. Then I’m going to make us some breakfast, because if I remember correctly this too large friend group of yours wanted to meet in chat at around 1 pm.“

Jens must have looked pained at the simple mentioning of said plans. It must have shown, as concern spread across Lucas’s expression. Him instantly trying to give alternatives. 

„We don’t have to, Jens. I mean it. We can stay like this today. Just us. Or only I join and you can sleep more if you want. Or..“

„No, it’s fine. I want to see them.“ He interrupted the boy looking down at him, still, apparently his arms not having caved yet. 

It was the truth. Jens wanted to see his friends. And especially Robbe. After the message he had recieved, he just wanted to assure Robbe, that he was still there. That he didn’t want to loose his friends. 

„How do we explain this?“

It took Lucas a second to understand Jens’s question. 

„Mhm we were texting, met up for, I don’t know, playing something? And you slept over. Done.“

„Alright.“ Jens confirmed, glad, as he wouldn’t have liked being far from Lucas. And even if they wouldn’t get to cuddle or kiss or hold hands, they at least could sit right next to each other. That would be enough for him. Enough to feel supported and face his friends.

Jens was about to get up as well, when Lucas wouldn’t let him, the hand on his chest holding him gently down.

„I am making breakfast for us to have in bed, while you, my gorgeous boyfriend, stay and enjoy being taken care of for once, yes?“

He would blame the last night for being emotional enough over Lucas’s offer, to have to hold back new tears. He hoped the dumb sensitivity would stop before seeing his friends later.

„Hey, my cooking isn’t that bad.” Lucas smirked with a wink and instantly reconsidered. „Sorry, I shouldn’t be joking. I’m here, okay? And I don’t just mean physically in this flat.“

Lucas’s body weighing down on him once more, as he was beeing kissed, his eyes falling shut. And then the boy was gone, having moved off the bed. Jens could hear the bare feet walking across the floor, leaving the room. Followed quickly by noises of plates, and pans, and cuttlery being taken out from the kitchen cupboards.

He remained on his back, his eyes open again to stare up at the ceiling for a while and listen. Until he robbed over to pick his jeans up from the floor and take his phone out. He felt a slight panic grow in him, as he realised he hadn’t checked for calls or messages since dinner yesterday. What if something had happend?

His fears were unfounded. There was no notification. Yet still not convinced, he quickly opened the chat.

_Jens 11:44: I just woke up. Everything’s fine?_

He stared hard at the screen, ready to get up and leave, if he needed to. But luckily he didn’t had to wait long for the reply to arrive. Allowing him to relax.

_Mom 11:47: Morning, I’m good. Don’t worry. When will you be home later?_

_Jens 11:48: I always worry. And I think maybe at seven, if that is okay with you? Lucas would come with me._

_Mom 11:50: seven is perfect, we can order something for dinner and of course Lucas is as always welcome_ ❤️

_Mom 11:51: And stop worrying for a bit. Enjoy your day with him instead!_

### Nov 22th, Sunday 18:14

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635505476551016448/nov-22th-sunday-1814)

### Nov 23rd, Monday 13:52

His own actions really only hit him as he stood infront of the building of the flatshare. Right after Lucas had left at lunch break did Jens feel the sudden need to go and tell Robbe about it. And as his best friend had promised to welcome him at any time, why not just run to catch the bus and come here, Jens had thought. And obviously done as well, as his finger pushed the bell reading four names.

„Hello?“

Senne’s voice echoed from the speaker to the left a long minute later, a little confused as who would ring at this time on a monday.

„Hi, it’s Jens. Is Robbe there?“

Stupid question, of course he was. Robbe was probably still in class, the same one Jens had left half an hour ago when it had started.

„Eh yes, wait, I’ll let you in.“

„Thank you.“ Jens replied, being cut off at the end to the door being rung open for him. He was getting more nervous with each step. Going over what he wanted to say in his head one more time. 

„What a surprise. Come in.“ Senne greeted him, already welcoming Jens into the flat by making room in the hallway. Jens had barely taken his shoes and jacket off, when Senne had closed the door and was beginning to walk back to his room.

„I’m super busy with homework, but obviously you aren’t here for me.“

„Correct.“ Jens confirmed with a wink at the boy who grinned, his fist raised in an empty threat.

„Happy to see you too. Well I’ll be in my room then. Zoe and Milan are at Amber’s I think and the boys are in their room. I would knock though. Just in case.“ Senne explained in a quick rundown of the situation, which actually worked out nicely for Jens, less possibillities to get interrupted.

„Will do.“ He promised, before the older boy vanished around the corner into his room, leaving Jens to take a deep breath and knock at the door. 

He would have assumed that the two must have heard him, but it looked like they hadn’t, both staring at their laptops, headphones on.They each occupied a half of the bed, sitting inmidst of papers and books. As Jens found when he entered the room, after no one had answered his request. Leaving the two boys to look up at him starlted, pulling off their headphones, from one moment to the next.

„Jens?“ Sander asked, as if said boy wasn’t quite literaly standing in their room right now.

„What are you doing here? Aren’t we in class?“ Robbe was clearly confused, double checking his screen, probably to look for Jens’s name, that obviously wasn’t to be found.

He used that brief moment of them being too puzzled to ask him anything else. He also was afraid that he would backpeddle if the chance arose.

„I think I want to tell you something.“ He stated vaguely catching their full attention.

The laptops were closed faster than Jens could really register, while Robbe pushed Sander and his papers over, just enough to make space on the bed for Jens to sit. It looked almost comical how eager they were to hear him out. But then, they probably had waited for him since tuesday night.

„Do you want me to leave?“ Sander looked at Jens uncertain, close to getting up from the bed, that Jens had just taken his seat on.

„No, it’s fine. Robbe would tell you anyway, I guess.“

It wasn’t supposed to sound dismissive, and luckly contrary to his short-lived fear, they didn’t seemed to take it that way. Robbe was blushing caught, while Sander only nodded in agreement.

Okay. Now or never.

„So I was at Lucas’s yesterday.“

„Ehm yeah, we saw.“ Sander said, slowly. Trying to figure out where this was going.

„I had slept over.“

„As you told us.“ Robbe replied, unconsiously moving to sit closer to Sander. To have a better advantage to see Jens’s face.

„But not just because. We became quite close.“

Two pairs of confused eyes were watching him from across, causing his throat to feel dry, as the two boys just apparently couldn’t connect the dots. But then he didn’t really give them a lot to work with. Additionally, the last time they had all seen each other was in the damn park and well, that didn’t really had turned out great, had it? 

So it was probably the best to just put it out there, Jens guessed.

„Lucas is, ehm, my boyfriend. Since last week.“

Silence.

He cleared his throat, as he stared back and forth between Robbe and Sander, who in turn gaped at him, processing the words that Jens had just thrown at them. Sander was the first to recover from his shock, proceeding to jump up on the bed, his expression being one of total wonder as well as excitment.

„No way? Lucas? You? Oh my god! Jens! Okay, I didn’t expect that. Like at all. But congrats, man! How? What?“ Sander grinned, bombarding him with the absolute mess that was his reaction. 

Jens almost felt as happy as he should, at the older boy congratulating him, if it wasn’t for Robbe, who remained silently staring at Jens.

„I’m gonna make tea.“ His best friend suddenly declared, and almost immediately fled the room. It left Sander to plop back down onto the bed crosslegged, as Jens’s gaze followed Robbe vanishing around the corner. What happend? He wasn’t sure, so he turned to look at Sander, who was observing Jens in deep contemplation.

„Have I said something wrong?“ 

„No.“ Sander’s cheery expression gone was replaced by a frown as he hestitated to continue to speak. „I’m positive that Robbe is happy for you too, it’s just, well, I think it’s not my place to say. You should probably talk to him.“

„You know why he reacted like that?“ Jens wasn’t sure if he should feel hurt or worried or a combination of both. For now, he was simply confused as fuck.

„I think. I do. I could be wrong. But we’ve talked about something before. Seriously Jens, just go and ask him why. It’s gona be fine. Trust me.“ 

It was the small smile that Sander gave him, as he nodded towards the left open door. The choices on what to do here were pretty limited, so he would trust the older boy and did as he was told.

If Jens had been nervous on his way over here, it was nothing compared to what he was feeling the couple of steps towards the kitchen. Sander didn’t follow him.

„Eh, Robbe.“ Jens informed his best friend of his entry into the kitchen, who was standing with his back towards him at the counter, just having put on the kettle. Robbe actually was preparing tea. Perhaps Jens had just misunderstood something? It still wasn’t explaining the total lack of a reaction of his best friend to his sorta coming out.

„I’m sorry.“

„What?“ That was really all Jens could manage to say as Robbe’s apology registered in his brain. He had been busy in thought, leaning awkwardly against the fridge. Not sure how to start the conversation, that Robbe fortunately had opened himself.

„I reacted awful just now. Exactly the reaction no one wants. Me incliuded last year. And I got your supportive ass back then. So, I’m sorry. Honestly.“ Robbe explained, reaching for a metal container for loose tea.

„Then why did you...“ Jens began to ask, when Robbe shut him off again, holding up his hand, to gesture to Jens to stop.

So Jens did, and waited. While Robbe filled a strainer for the tea pot. He was biting his lip, definitely tense as well. Which was nice to know. At least it wasn’t just Jens who found this situation nerve wrecking.

„Okay. I’ll try to explain, but hear me out okay? I strongly believe that I would always have found my way to Sander, in any universe. Sander and me are fated like that. But you just coming out as.“ Robbe tilted his head, finally turning to face Jens. „Bi?“

Jens shrugged. 

„I guess. I really only fell for Lucas. I don’t know.“

Robbe nodded.

„Well it just overwhelmed me.“ His best friend admitted. Jens felt lost.

„Okay, I don’t get it. I thought you would be happy for me? Like Sander.“

„I am. Honestly. It’s just.“ Robbe sighed frustrated. If at Jens or himself, Jens couldn’t tell. 

„I should have told you about it sooner. I just had prayed it would never be nessecary to bring up.“ He continued and it didn’t help at all to clear things up. Jens was about to ask Robbe directly what his problem was, when his best friend raised his voice once more, his gaze dropping to the floor between them.

„But uhm, Jens, for at least two fucking long years before Sander I had the biggest crush on you.“

Okay. 

Jens blinked at Robbe. Even if he wanted to say something, his mind was pretty blank at the moment, watching Robbe to look back up at him.

„I may even have been in love with you, if Im honest with myself. But you were obviously straight as fuck, and I struggled so much around you. It was fucking hard sometimes. And of course you hadn’t done anything wrong. I don’t mean to fault you for it. And then my Sander miraculously stumbled into my life and turned it upsidedown. And I swear to god, he overtook my heart and mind. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sander and me. Always. But, damn, this fucking tiny voice just in my head right now, that told me that there may exist this one highly improbable timeline, where I didn’t had to struggle with myself for years. Where I could have had my dreamed happily ever after with you. I. God I’m sorry. I’m fucking stupid. Because even if you are bi or pan or whatever, you still wouldn’t have found me attractive, so I guess, we should forget about it. Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.“ 

The moment Robbe had realised what he had just blurted out, his head had turned red and he tried his hardest to cover his face behind his hands. It was kinda adorable,and would have been hilarious, if it hadn’t come after a belated love confession. From his best friend to make it stranger.

„Robbe, you are not stupid. Well, maybe a,little. And I’m sorry too, for not having figured you out back then. I just really never ever thought about you being into me. Apart from the time you came out at the cafe. So maybe I had sensed something, but you had so confidently dismissed it. Honestly. Fuck, that must have sucked.“

Jens couldn’t help but remember all the trips they had taken together, the silly shared dances at parties. Always joking with each other. Always close. Always sharing space, food and everything really. Sleeping and waking up to each other.

He thought about the morning he woke to Lucas after Halloween. And how much it would have sucked to have an unrequited crush on the boy, just watching from far, even though the other person was right there to touch. To top it of, the person being your best friend. That was heartbreaking to think about.

„Well as I said, I would have probably found my Sander anyway and that would have been messy, right? So at least we can remain as best friends forever.“

„Now I know why Lucas told me you two had so much in common. You are an idiot, you should have indeed told me sooner.“ Jens only replied, smiling at Robbe in an attempt to lighten the mood. „Come here.“

Jens had opened his arms, immidiately wrapping his best friend into his arms, who had quickly stumbled over to him. They hugged each other, Jens pecking a kiss onto Robbe’s temple, both even laughing lightly at the silliness of the situation. Because honestly, how weird had that just been?

„So Lucas, huh?“ Robbe asked, his demeanour much brighter. Smirking at Jens as he leaned back to have a better look.

„Yup.“ Jens popped the p, noting his face getting warmer and warmer by the second.

„Since when?“

„Oh almost immediately I think? I don’t know, I saw him on the first day and there he was. And we hold hands that halloween weekend, kissed the week after, and last monday somewhat decided to be boyfriends.“

God it sounded cheesy.

„Wow.“ Robbe watched him amazed, stepping back and out of the embrace, only to look Jens over. Which was understandable given that Jens usually wasn’t the type to take it slow. Not that it wasn’t fast how quick Lucas and Jens had fallen for each other. How fast Jens had accepted it. But usually Jens went up to girls, flirted and kissed them in under five minutes, if the interest was mutual. He knew that. Robbe knew that.

„Yup.“ He could only repeat himself.

„And he is good for you?“ Robbe asked, his curiousity had grown immensly over the last couple of minutes.

„He is.“ Jens replied, scratching the back of his head, as he let his eyes wander over to some uninteressting point behind Robbe, before they focused back on his best friend.

„And you love him?“

„We haven’t said that yet. We barely know each other a couple of weeks, but I think I’m starting to.“

He admited out loud, as he thought about the couple of times the word had crossed his mind.

„Good.“ Robbe looked genuinly happy. This meant everything to Jens, after the odd reaction of his best friend earlier. Though the mood did change slightly again, as concern slipped back onto his best friend’s expression. „But this isnt why you were so distant and crying in the car, right? Because I wouldn’t believe you. This whole distancing thing had started so much earlier.“

„Yes. I mean, yes it had started earlier. And no. It had nothing to do with Lucas.“ He answered honestly. There wasn’t a point in denying it and it wouldn’t get them anywhere but back to tuesday.

„Do you want to tell me what it is, when we are already opening up to each other?“ 

The encouraging smile was almost convincing enough, but Jens felt his throat tighten by the mere thought of bringing up his mother. He couldn’t. So he shook his head.

„No, not yet, I think.“

Robbe wasn’t as hurt as he had looked like back in his car last week. Which was surprising. Jens had believed Robbe to not let him off the hook so easily.

„Alright. Does Lucas know?“

„Actually yes, I told him on saturday.“ 

Told him, obviously was a bit of an understatment. It was more an emotional rollercoaster that threw Jens from an agressive high into a depressive low, but Robbe obviously wouldn’t know about that. Instead his best friend was back smiling at him rather pleased.

„Okay, good.“

„Good?“ Jens asked puzzled, not having expected a reaction like this.

„Yes. That’s enough for me. I’m happy for you. I’m happy that you have him to talk to.“

And Jens believed his best friend to mean every word.

„You are not mad?“

Jens just had to make sure. The thought had subconsiously weighed pretty heavy on him. They usually didn’t have secrets. Well other than Robbe having been in love with him and having hidden his sexuality for years, and Jens starting to date a boy and hiding the sickness of his mom. Even now. So really whom was he kidding? But they where on their way to fully knowing each other again. Jens really hoped they were.

„What? No. Why would you ask that?“

„Because you are my best friend and I told Lucas first.“

Robbe blinked at him, trying to process the answer, and once he did he full on laughed at Jens. Who in turn felt a bit dumbfounded.

„Jens. I love you dearly. But I tell Sander everything first. Since the beginning. You, as my best friend, are of course just very slightly behind on second place. So don’t feel too bad about it.“

Oh. Now that Robbe had said that, maybe it was a bit silly of him to worry so much about it over the last day.

„Okay. Asshole. I love you too.“

He couldn’t hide his grin from taking over anyway, so he let Robbe tease him a bit more until his best friend let his gaze fall onto the long finished kettle.

„I guess I’m reheating the water. Could you get three cups and then we have to update Sander, you have to tell us everything. Starting with the first time you saw him. In detail please. Because what the fuck Jens?“

„No.“ Was the immediate answer. Jens was not prepared to do this. All of this. He only had wanted to tell Robbe about Lucas being his boyfriend. He hadn’t really thought about after. He really should have. Shit.

„Yes.“ Robbe insisted, quite content with Jens trying to get out of this happening. „Come on, Sander and me need details. Also did you have sex yet? If you need advice, you know. Oh and cups please!“

„No, Robbe. Absolutely not. This was a mistake. That’s why I don’t talk to people.“ Jens groaned rather embarrassed. He would definitely not talk about this with Sander nor Robbe. At least not in the near future. He tried to stay serious and stand his ground, but only got so far as a smirk reappeared on his lips, as he watched Robbe pout and pour the hot water into the waiting tea pot.

„We will see about that, but be honest, you already feel better.“

„A little bit, maybe.“ Jens admited only reluctantly. It did feel nice to have Robbe know about Lucas. Speaking of which, Jens should probably text him and give him a heads up, just in case Sander would bring it up. He wondered what Lucas was up to now, very likely studying, like the little nerd his boyfriend apparently was. Jens was so deep in thought about Lucas, he definitely had forgotten about the one task given to him. Only reminded yet again by Robbe watching him with raised eyebrows and the tea pot in his hands.

„Cups, Jens.“

„Okay, mom! Geez. Zoë is rubbing off on you, man.“

### Nov 23rd, Monday 19:28

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635600797588193280/nov-23rd-monday-1928)

### Nov 24th, Tuesday 11:29

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635661207655907328/nov-24th-tuesday-1129)

### Nov 24th, Tuesday 20:13

„Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug!“

Four pairs of eyes were strictly focused on the little square on the bottom left of their video chat, showing Moyo attempting to empty a whole bottle of beer in one go. While the others watched and laughed and cheered him on. Even Sander had abondoned his work in favor of joining them, as he sat behind Robbe on the bed, watching over his shoulder.

They had just finished their English, Geography and, lo and behold, their Dutch homework, not fifteen minutes ago. Now strongly convinced they deserved a beer to celebrate today’s achievment. So they had stormed off to raid their kitchens and were back within seconds almost. Moyo just shouldn’t have told the group that he could chug his beer completely whenever he wanted to.

Moyo came surprisingly close to finish it. There was just the tiniest bit of beer left, which sadly proofed to be too much, and made the poor boy splutter it all across his desk he sat at. 

Very much to the enjoyment of his four spectators. Who immediately began to toasted each other, taking a large sip of their own bottles respectivly, while Moyo ran off to get anything he could in order to clean the mess on the table.

Everyone was busy joking and teasing their friend, as he wished off the beer, cursing when he found that his phone hadn’t been spared.

„So, mhm guys?“ Jens finally found enough courage to speak up about the one thought that had plagued him all day. He needed to apologise for his absence last week. He had thought he would do it right away, but when they all had appeared as if nothing had happened, he hadn’t been able to bring it up.

„Yeah?“ Aaron asked, a little confused by the sudden mood change, but did put his attention towards the screen.

„What’s up?“ Came the question from Sander, who seemed a little more casual about it. But then he wasn’t actually part of the broerrrs. Or at least he wasn’t with them as long and in chat, to actually be offended by Jens ghosting them.

„So, I wanted to apologise for last week, it was just a lot going on and I didn’t mean to cut you guys off. I don’t want to talk about, yet. I will, I promise. Just need some more time. That’s cool?“

Moyo looked a little unsure with forgiving Jens that quickly, but shrugged anyway in the end.

„Sure, bro. Just let us know when you have a bad day, okay?“ He added with a small smile, that certainly helped Jens to not feel as bad any longer. Maybe Robbe had already talked to them beforehand.

„Yes, definitely. I’m sorry.“

„It’s okay. We are still the broerrrs, right?“ Robbe was an angel, as he rose his bottle to the camera, grinning as waited for the others to follow his example. 

„Hell yeah! Cheers!“ Aaron yelled overly excited. They didn’t needed to be told twice.

„Broerrrs.“ Moyo called to toast emptyhanded.

„Broerrrs.“ The choir of Sander, Robbe, Aaron and Jens chimed in cheery, as each of the boys took a sip.

„Fuck I missed you.“ It definitely was the thruth, now that they actually were simply talking and chilling, being the dumb boys they were supposed to be, Jens could almost forget all the other bullshit his life constantly threw at him.

„You’ve seen us on sunday, man.“ Aaron reminded him of their group chat from only two days ago, as if he somehow had forgotten about that.

„Yeah but, I mean you guys. You know. This.“ Jens threw his arms up, moving them about in some general way to indicate he meant this moment right here.

„Same.“ 

At least Moyo got him. The two boys nodding at each other in a mutual understanding.

„I love you guys.“ Aaron blurted out into the small break of them more or less talking over each other permenantly.

„Dude.“ 

The prompt uncomfortableness that settled in Moyo’s reaction was definitely causing the other three boys to further their display of affection, blowing kisses at Aaron.

„We love you too.“ Sander, Robbe and Jens exclaimed brightly in unison. Aaron was more than happy to reply with a big smile.

„I’m gonna get another beer.“ Moyo interrupted, trying his best to sound annoyed, but instead laughed and shook his head at his friends before he got up and left. Right before the phone next to Jens on his bed lit up. 

His hands were fast to open up the notification. It could only be one person. And Jens was right.

 _Lucas 20:27: should be there in 10 minutes. just got off the train._ ❤️

Jens smile widend as he read the message one more time. He sat up a bit straighter on his bed, his fingers busy to type a quick reply.

„Good news?“ Sander inquired. The biggest grin gracing his lips knowingly. Wich made Jens a little worried that he was too obvious. He prayed it was just because the two boys knew about Lucas, because Robbe’s expression was not looking much different from his boyfriend’s right now.

Jens did the only thing he could think off. He flipped them off, like the newly turned adult he was.

„Am I missing something?“ Aaron certainly looked a bit puzzled as much as he seemed curious, wanting to to be let in on the joke.

„When aren’t you?“ Moyo provided casually, as he had returned, now busy to open the bottle and not chug it this time, before he added: „But yeah, what’s up?“

„Nothing. Sander is an ass.“ Jens replied simply, certain that it would get them off his back. He knew his friends. Jokingly insulting each other was their primary activity. Nowadays a little less insensitive than last year. Which was a good change to have gone through.

„Toast to that!“ Robbe was the one to call for his friends to join in, much to Sander’s displeasure. The older boy trying hard to pull an annoyed face in light of the betrayal by his own boyfriend. Yet not quite able to hide his underlying amusement.

It gave Jens a moment to rethink his former dismissal of Aaron’s question. He probably shouldn’t hide Lucas that much. The broerrrs knew the boy. They had spent at least some time together. It was normal right? They were friends. Just also a bit more than that, but he hadn’t to bring that up. Two out of four knew already anyway. It was fine.

„Actually Lucas is coming over. He is alone most of the week, so he is here every once in a while.“ Jens said, not sure if he wanted to regret it immediately. Perhaps he shouldn’t have told them and just bid his goodbye instead.

Jens was very glad he hadn’t, given the following second.

„Oh Robbe, careful! I think Jens is getting a new best friend, now that you left him to suck a dude’s dick.“

Jens was snorting so hard at Moyo’s teasing, that he literally chocked on the beer he just had taken a sip of. This response towards Lucas coming over was glorious and to be honest Jens was pretty much on his way to do the exact same thing to Robbe, so really, they did that to each other. Not that Moyo would actually know that. Jens just couldn’t stop himself from finding it hilarious, even less when he saw the scandalised face Robbe made. 

„Moyo.“ Robbe shouted shocked, gaping at his screen.

„He is not wrong, you know.“ Sander provided confidently, looking way too cheeky, as he wiggled he brows suggestivly at the camera and then at Robbe. His boyfriend not taking any of Sander’s shit and tackling the giggling boy instead out of frame.

„I have never....“ Robbe declared laughing loudly. He broke off midsentence, as he turned back towards his laptop, obviously not sure what point he actually wanted to make in the first place. 

Well he definitely hadn’t sucked Jens’s dick, that was for sure.

The truth didn’t made it less funny. Jens was wheezing at this point through all of the discourse unfolding in front of him. Which was stupid because it shouldn’t be that funny, It had simply been a throwaway line from Moyo. So perhaps it was the easieness of them all being together again, or the influence of the alcohol, or the simple exhaustion from their schoolwork. Maybe even all of the above. 

„Lucas should join us. Get him a beer when he arrives, otherwise he’ll probably run straight back home.“ Aaron deverted the topic. And blessed be he.

„Sure.“ Jens barely was able to get out, while he was busy calming down his breathing between occasional coughs. Sander was back in frame kissing Robbe, leaving a very confused Moyo to watch them.

„You know something else I have here, to make this evening even better?“ 

The voice of Moyo caught everyones attention as he proceeded to pull out some weed from a drawer next to him. Sander was the first to declare his happy approval, as he picked up a jacket from somewhere on his left and proceeded to present the group with a little bag of weed and paper. The older boy loosing no time at all to roll one for Robbe and himself.

Jens smirked nodding at his screen, very pleased with the direction this call took. 

They haden’t smoked together for a couple of weeks now. He almost had forgotten how nice it felt to be high and dumb with his friends, even if it was only over a video chat. So Jens leaned over to grab the little bit weed he had safely stashed away under his bed, holding it triumphant into the camera for the others to see. Who all cheered in return, except for Aaron.

„Am I the only one without weed?“ The boy said pouting as he shook his head with a frown.

„Sucks to be you, bro.“ Jens replied nonchalant, knowing that Aaron wouldn’t be too mad anyway. Since he was with Amber he had told them he would smok a lot less. Basically exclusivly at parties. And that was fine with everyone. Jens lit the poorly thrown together joint and leaned back, waiting impatiently for Lucas to ring the bell downstairs.

Any minute now.

### Nov 25th, Wednesday 13:04

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635757913591480320/nov-25th-wednesday-1304)

### Nov 25th, Wednesday 17:57

Jens had made it back into his room just on time after having picked up Lotte from school. Lucas already sat at his opened laptop on the desk, ready to hear whatever it is Senne so desperately wanted to tell them. The mysterious text he had sent earlier today didn’t really hinted at anything. Jens wasn’t even sure if it was positive or negative news. He could just hope for something good. More bad things in his life were the last thing he needed.

The chat was already busy, only Jana and Luca, obviously, missing.

„Bon soir.“ Jens greeted everyone, while stepping into frame behind Lucas, sitting down on the corner of his bed. He recieved warm welcomes from everyone in return, his boyfriend included, who turned his head around to blow him a little kiss. Jens winking back at him, before shifting his attention back towards the screen.

„So we are waiting on the girls, I guess?“

„Yup.“ Yasmina replied, looking very busy reading a book, as she sat in a very comfortable looking arm chair, sipping on some tea and not paying that much attention to the chat.

„Hola, my beautiful european friends. We had five positive corona cases in our class today, so everyone got send back home to get tested. And now I don’t have to use my shitty phone and instead can marvel at your pretty faces on my pc. Wohoo!“ This girl was something else. Jens thought, smirking at the newest addition to their little meeting. Jana, despite everything she had just told them, smiled into her camera, sipping on some to-go coffee cup, while combing through her hair with a brush, she had pulled from somewhere. This was exactly why Jens had fallen in love with her in the first place. Before the jealousy and his lies.

Apparently, Jana wasn’t done yet.

„So emergency, huh? Who is pregnant?“ Her eyes darting over her screen. „Zoë?“ A bit further to the left. „Or no, not Amber again.“

„Again??“

Aaron was white as a ghost, his soul had left his body. Jens definitely could understand the reaction right now. Apparently the topic of pregnancy had been an issue before, and Jens wasn’t really sure if he wanted to know exactly why.

„I’m not prgenant and never was. Also this was before you.“ Amber replied sitting next to Aaron and pecking a kiss on his cheek. It definitely helped the poor boy to find back to himself, visibly relieved. Yet surprisingly Senne seemed to have frozen in his place. The older boy must have made some sort of connection that wasn’t comprehensible, at least not to Jens. Senne caught himself though rather quick.

„No one is pregnant.“ Zoë said towards the camera, so that everyone could be assured of it, while Jana simply shrugged, rather unaffected.

Lucas turned around, very much puzzled as well, but all Jens could do for the poor boy was to tell him he should ask the girls instead. He wasn’t any wiser himself. Fortunately Luca was joining them not much later, ending the whole conversation. Thank god!

„I was afraid you’d start without me.“ She declared first thing, looking not like she had hurried at all to be with them at six. Not that anyone was really late. Still, the word emergency meeting did made it feel like it was something important. Something they should be on time for.

„Good, so I’ll make it quick and get to the point.“ Senne took over the lead, sitting between Zoë and Milan, who both obviously knew what was up, grinning suspiciously. „And no worries, it is not something bad. It is also no baby. I should have worded it differently in chat, but I need an answer from you guys til seven, so roughly in an hour. I kinda had to make sure you all show up. Especially because of my two usual suspects here always being late.“

„What’s that supposed to mean?“ Moyo said defensive, obviously having been on time today. Though that he felt the need to ask, was very telling. Mainly Moyo admitted himself that he was one of the two implied, Luca clearly being the second person.

Senne went on without acknowledging the boy, as everyone listened intently in anticipation.

„Jana? You are here over the christmas holidays, right? Given your mom needs to be back for work?“

„Eh yes.“ Jana replied, suddenly looking much more interested in where this woud lead too.

„Perfect.“ Senne declared, clapping his hands. „Because my grandparents called me this morning, with an offer. You probably know that I don’t talk to my parents. But I do still with my grandparents, and usually they spent one or two month in winter in switzerland. Now they decided not to go this year, as they are part of the risk group. They asked instead me, if I wanted to go for a week or so over christmas.“

Jens was confused. Were they supposed to congratulate him on having a rich family? 

He was too quick in his judement though, when Senne hadnt finished his little speech yet and continued.

„The house has six rooms, four double rooms and two rooms fitting three people each. Which means all of us could spend the christmas holidays in the swiss alps in an alipne cottage. Guys, I mean, come on!“

Chaos was immediately ensuing over chat, everybody basically talking at the same time. Everyone excited, everyone asking a million questions. Jens included, who for a moment forgot that he had more important responsibilities at home to take care of foremost. He remembered quick enough to shut up and swallow down his growing dissapointment.

„Hey!“ Milan yelled, shutting everyone else up too, making them stare at their screens again.

„There you go.“ The eldest amoung them said smirking towards Senne next to him, giving back the spotlight.

„So I know, that you all have to ask your parents first. And that you have to see if you can make time for it. We also don’t know what the regulations are gonna be in a month. I know. I know. I just need to let my grandparents know if we are interested, everything else we can plan over the next couple of weeks. Otherwise they’ll ask family friends. Somebody has to go to check on the cabin anyway. What do you all say?“

Jens didn’t even had to do anything, as the main response was an affirmative yes.

Lucas looked back at him, trying for a smile, while extanding his hand for Jens to take. He didn’t really care if someone had the chat on a big enough screen to actually see them holding hands.

Jens was sad. He wanted to go as well. Fuck.

Couldn’t be helped though, thus he collected himself and smiled back at Lucas first before he watched his friends overwhelm poor Senne with every question possible. From when, to how they would get there. If he had pictures he may be able to show them. The important stuff.

That was basically the whole of the meeting that was left til they all bid goodbye at seven for Senne to call his grandparents. Which was fitting well, as Jens had to prepare dinner anyway.

### Nov 26th, Thursday 06:02

Lucas was awake.

Jens could hear the boy moving. The faint rustle of the blanket gave him away.

„Jens?“ 

It was barely a hushed whisper that reached him, as he sat on his chair by the window staring out. Not that the view was something notably. There was the crown of a tree, bare crooked branches, now that it was winter, and the streetlamp glowing in a familiar warm yellow. 

He hadn’t really paid attention to it. His thoughts were too loud to let him concentrate on anything else. So he looked out without actually looking at anything specific.

„How long are you sitting there already?“ Lucas asked, surpressing a yawn.

The truth was, that Jens didn’t know. He hadn’t checked the time when he had given up on falling back asleep, and instead had gotten up to sit over here. Could have been minutes or hours. Though he wasn’t feeling particular tired, so his best guess was that he must have slept for a good amount of time. So now he was just thinking and waiting for the alarm to go off.

He had talked to Lucas before they went to bed. About his mom leaving for two weeks to recieve treatment at the hospital. It had already been decided on monday, times settled and the bag packed.Jens was pretty much convinced that friday being just another day away was the first thought he had woken up to earlier.

He had managed two times before, he could do the third round as well, even though this time was different. This time his mother wouldn’t get treated and be back home for the rest of the day. This time he was alone with Lotte for two weeks.

It already felt like loosing her, his mom just slipping away.

She had promised to be with them again afterwards, he just had to believe her.

„I’m going to touch you okay?“

Of course. Lucas. Who was awake and apparently had left the bed, as he crouched next to him. Jens had almost forgotten about his boyfriend not sleeping any longer. Which made him feel guilty that Lucas wasn’t getting the rest he deserved. 

There was a hand on his cheek, fingers brushing over the skin beneath, before they fell down onto his hands he had held in his lap.

„Will you come back to bed? Even if it’s just for another twenty minutes?“

Lucas weakly tugged at the hand he hold onto, so Jens intertwined their fingers, not able to find his voice yet that was buried deep inside his own mind. He didnt trust himself to speak. His boyfriend somehow managed to understand nonetheless, having gotten his first response that Jens was indeed listening. 

The younger boy pulled him to his feet. Together they head back towards the bed, that they crawled into under the blankets.

The two of them lying on their sides facing each other, still holding hands as Jens actually reprocreated his boyfriend’s gaze.

„We’ll figure something out after you dropped Lotte off, alright? I don’t have to be home til four, so we have time.“

Jens wanted to tell him, that it wasn’t his responsibility nor his concern. 

Lucas was his boyfriend though and obviously he would be worried. Jens just wished that the other boy wouldn’t put him and his problems first. 

Or maybe he didn’t? 

Yet it felt like it sometimes. And it sucked. Because it was already bad enough that Jens lost sleep over it and had to be an adult. All he wanted for Lucas was that the younger boy could enjoy his schoolyear as a teenager. The biggest worry being homework and exams, not caring for Jens’s sister nor household.

Jens had drifted off again, he realised, as he found the younger boy frowning at him.

Lucas sighed resigned before he leaned over briefly to kiss Jens’s forehead.

And then they stayed like this, looking at each other in the quiet, breathing calmly, each boy chasing his own thoughts.

Until the alarm went off and Jens got up.

He paused for a moment as he sat on the edge of his bed, turning twards Lucas watching him.

„Thank you.“

His boyfriend only shook his head slightly, smiling up at him.

„Don’t even mention it. Now get ready. I’ll be right here, when you get back.“

### Nov 26th, Thursday 23:17

„I thought you’d be in bed already?“

Jens had just finished the dishes, ready to head to bed, after he spent hours trying to get all his notes for his french test ready next week. He wasn’t worried that he would fail. Perhaps a little worried.

His mother stood in the doorway to her room, when he reached the last step, causing him to watch her perplexed.

„Me too, but it looks like my side of the bed was taken before I had a chance.“

Curious Jens went up to her, sticking his head over her shoulder. Lotte was his mom’s bed, sleeping peacefuly despite the lamp on the night stand lighting the room.

They just stood there for a moment and watched the little girl. Til his mom took a step back, weak on her feet. He helped her get down and joined right after. Causing them both to sit side by side, propped up against the wall across the stairs. He had his legs pulled up, his arms hugging his knees as he stared straight ahead.

„Lucas is my boyfriend.“

It just bursted out of him, the first thing that had come to mind. He probably should have said it sooner. He didn’t even know why he hadn’t done that til now.

„No! Really?“ His mother exclaimed shoked in pretence, nudging him lightly as she chuckled.

„What reaction do you want? Strict parent, or not understanding mother, or perhaps I could tell you, I always knew you weren’t as hetero as you believed. Even though that would be a lie.“

Jens bit his lip to contain his amusement. Instead he tilted his head as if he needed to consider her words. Jens definitely knew who was responsible for his personality. Even though they only had gotten as close and on par with each other since the diagnoses. She wasn’t just a parent any longer to him. He wished they had been like that earlier. They had fought rather often. Certainly him having been to blame for most of it. Sneaking out to meet Britt and later Jana, or getting caught coming home high and drunk. Perhaps he had to change first to get to this point.

„How about your genuine feelings?“

He therefore asked, not much worried that she would dismiss his boyfriend. It took her a second to think about it before she spoke.

„Obviously I like him a lot, and I’m glad you have him, you always seem happier with Lucas around. He is very kind. And he can keep up with your assholery.“ 

„Assholery?“ He snorted. 

„Yes, hush! You can really suck sometimes. And regarding him being a boy. I don’t care. I just want you to be loved, respected and supported. That’s all that is important to me.“

Lucas was that, wasn’t he? 

„I just wanted to actually tell you this, you know, in person. Out loud.“ 

His mother nodded, grinning at him, as they both had turned their heads while talking. Though he brought his eyes back onto the banister of the stairs infront of him, pulling on the ends of his hoodie’s sleves.

„Don’t you think it’s unfair to him?“

„What is?“ 

„This. Like I know I’m his real first relationship. And I had Britt and Jana and, like, other girls before him. I feel like I’m keeping him from something. I don’t know what exactly. Dating around. Hooking up casually. Not remembering the girl you drunk kissed last night at a party.“

„Speaking from experience, I take it.“ His mother sounded gleeful as she said it. She wasn’t wrong. Not that he would actually tell her that. She knew anyway. So he went on. 

„Just something that makes him regret it in the future, if he stays for all of this that is my fucking life.“

„You haven’t talked about this with him?“ 

Jens stayed silent. They both knew better than expecting him openly talking about his personal feelings. Late night talks with his mom though made it easier.

„I think Lucas is at an age to decide that for himself. In fact you are both graduating soon, just enjoy the time you two get to have. You are both teenagers. Nobody expects this to last forever. You are dating for what? A month? Don’t worry about what’s after, and talk to him, tell him what you think. Take it easy.“

She concluded, reaching over to place her hand on his knee. Her thumb brushing over it in light circles.

„I don’t know.“

„Then what do you actually know?“

Sometimes his mother murdered him in cold blood with her quips. 

“Hey!” He exclaimed accusatory. She was his mother. She had to love him unconditional. Not be mean to him.

They both were nonetheless enjoying the quiet banter and even the silence that followed when the two of them were each sunken in their own heads.

„I’ve written your father.“ His mother suddenly said, making his head spun round. He hadn’t known they were in contact. The last two years went completely by without any message nor a mention of his dad. 

„I don’t have his phone number, but his mail adress, and so I’ve told him today about everything that is happening right now. He is still the man I had planned to grow old with, the man I’d die next to. Even after all these years I can’t quite forget about him. He should know at least.“

She sounded saddened as she spoke, her voice low and resigned.

„I’m not gonna let him come back here and take Lotte.“

It was all Jens honestly cared for, even if it was cold to ignore his mothers remeining love for his father. He knew that his parents were officially still married. To his knowledge neither his father nor his mother ever hadn’t gotten into a serious relationship after they broke it off.

„Let me finish, okay?“ She interrupted his thoughts. „I also did it to send him a form Alex gave me for him to sign, and waive his position of choice as the legal guardian. I thought you may not want to talk to him yourself. It’s also one less thing for you to worry about it.“

„Thank you.“ He was greateful for that, honestly. He should have stopped at that, yet still found himself asking: „Why did you let him do this to you?“

„What?“ She looked at him puzzled, perhaps retracing her words to figure out what Jens was getting at.

„Let him leave you.“ He expanded on his question. Something he realised he had thought about since his father had left them six years ago. Jens probably should have asked this years ago in order to understand, because he never could figure it out. His father was just gone for months on end, and one day for good.

„It wasn’t something that came over night. We both knew since we began dating at university. He had always talked about his plans and ambitions. And I always reminded him that I wanted children more than anything else. So he gave me you three to love and I gave him his freedom.“

„Aren’t you regretting it?“

„Letting him go?“

Jens nodded. Yes exactly. Like how can you merry a person you know will leave you at some point. Maybe even a fixed point as his father began his expeditions and travels right after his phd.

„No. Well sometimes. When you three drove me crazy. Especially that one day you decided to give your baby sister the cream jar, for her to smear all over the living room, herself and you included. I had to bath you three for an hour to get everything washed out. Cried two more hours after. And the armchair, the poor armchair had to be thrown out.“ 

She laughed, as she indulged in her reminiscence. He couldn’t help but smile at her. They really had done some dumb stuff when they were younger. How his mother had managed to keep Lies and him in check while tending to Lotte was a mystery to Jens.

„But no I don’t regret ever having had all of you. Nor having let him follow his passion and do his work. I think he would have stayed had I asked him to. But he would have come to resent me for it one day. Sometimes you have to let people go because you love them.“

„Sounds stupid.“

His mother just giggled at his blunt response. She rose her hand ruffling his hair, ignoring his complaint as leaned away to escape her teasing.

„Maybe you are right.“ She admitted sheeply. „I am your mother, but I really don’t know shit.“ She grinned brightly at him as he watched her amused. „To let you in on the secret of adulthood. You just have to wing it most of the times and hope for the best.“

His groan could have probably woken his sister if she wouldn’t be such a deep sleeper.

„This sucks.“

„It does.“ She agreed without hesitation, trying to comfort him with a kiss to his forehead. It helped a little.

„So what are your plans?“

„For what?“

„I don’t know.“ She shrugged, leaving him none the wiser on if she was playing at something. Maybe Lucas had talked to her today? 

„Senne invited us all for christmas to go to his grandparent’s cabin in switzerland.“

„Really?“ He hadn’t expected her to look so happy while surprised.

„Yes.“ The confirmation was just a little whisper. He was uncomfortable to talk about it. Jens knew she would want him to go. And he knew he couldn’t just leave her at home, and enjoy his holidays, knowing his mom’s declining health. What kind of son would he be?

„Wow now I’m very jealous.“

„I’m not going.“ He cut her off, before she could say anything else. Of course it was already to late, her cheery expression already faltering.

„Why? Come on, Jens, tell them that you will join their trip.“

„It would be our last christmas.“

He only had to send her one look, to make her understand and sigh.

„I know. But I’d rather have you spend some weeks away from all of this. Get your head free a little, get distracted. I had planned to go see my mom in Brussel anyway, if I can, before... You know. So you could drop off Lotte and me on the way and then see your friends. Sit in front of a fire with them. Kiss your boyfriend on a mountaintop. I don’t know. Just enjoy your time, before you’ll have your little sister tag along on any other vacation for the next couple of years.“

It sounded so easy when his mother said it. As if he could just turn his brain off for a moment and not think about her all the time when she wasn’t around. But he supposed she had a point. Especially at the end of her little monologue.

„Geez. You might be right.“

„I always am. So you are going?“

He kinda hated how bold she smiled, knowing she had made him consider it and probably accept Senne’s invitation. Damn her.

„I’ll sleep on it.“ He sighed once more, while he rolled his eyes especially hard.

„Good enough for me. We should probably head to bed as well. When will Lucas be here with his mom for breakfast again?“ 

Oh. That reminded Jens of what he actually had wanted to do after dinner, when he had stood in his room questioning why he had made the trip upstairs in the first place He definitely had taken his phone off the charger and down back to the kitchen, didn’t meant he had actually sent the text.

„Eh... Shit, should probably message him. I forgot. What was it? Nine thirty? Ten?“

Lucas had said something before he had left. 

„I can’t believe I am leaving all of this and the responsibitliies to you.“

His mother cluck her tounge, as she shook her head. Her expression definitely amused.

„Funny. Come, I’ll help you up.“ He said getting to his feet first before he extended his hand for her to take. They both needed a moment to recover, stretching in place after having lingered in the same position for a while. And on the hard floor as well. 

In turn it was her now reaching out for him, to nudge him towards her room. Both squeezing in on the free side of the bed. His mother only reaching over to turn off the light and call it a day.

### Nov 27th, Friday 09:52

Okay. This was weird.

Lucas and him stood awkwardly in the living room, watching their moms greeting each other and chatting away excitedly, as they looked for a fitting vase in the cuboards. Lucas had brought flowers like the proper gentleman he was. A bouquet of bright yellows and oranges. Defintitely a nice gesture, if it wasn’t for the fact that Jens never had the parent of the person he was dating over to meet his mom. This was so far out of his comfort zone, he may as well be on a different continent.

His boyfriend looked just as lost, yet proving to be much more courageous in grabbing his hand to pull him to the already set table.

„So what do we do now?“

„I haven’t the slightest clue.“ Jens replied, being of no help to the poor boy taking the seat next to him. 

„Oh sorry Jens, could you perhaps take care of the coffee? Should be ready by now. I’m quickly gonna get my phone.“ His mother made it sound like he had a choice when in fact the request allowed for only one answer.

„Of course.“

And thus his mom was rushing up the stairs, no time wasted, while he got back up, not even having had time to settle on the chair.

„Frieda? Coffee is fine, or would you rather have tea? My mom can’t drink coffee anyway, so it wouldn’t be much of a problem.“ He asked from behind the kitchen counter. It still felt odd to adress Lucas’s mom like that. But the moment she had stepped in and introduced herself, she had told him to use her first name. She was more cheerful than he had anticipated. And just as kind and quick to befriend like her son.

So why was he so fucking nervous about it all?

„Coffee is great.“ The woman said smiling friendly, as Jens nodded and proceeded to carry the hot glass pot over.

„And it is alright for you to miss todays classes as well?“ Frieda asked curiously, leaving Jens to look at her smirking lightly, when he sat back down at the table.

„Well. I recieve special treatment, and fortunately have good friends to help me out with notes. To ditch online classes is also easier to do, I guess. Next week with the tests coming up and the case numbers going down, we have those partially in person at the school again.“ 

He didn’t try to sound dissapointed on purpose. It would be nice to see his friends more often, for sure. And get out of the house longer than dropping Lotte off and buying groceries. Still it also meant he couldn’t just hide in his room any longer behind a turned off camera and muted mic.

„Lucas said something about tests next week. I wish you all the best. On a different note, I hope you don’t mind Lucas telling me about your situation with your mom?“

Jens tried his best to not let it get to him. He was always afraid of the worry and pity crossing the face of the person infront of him once they knew. It always showed no matter how much they tried to hide it.

Yet it never happened, Jens noticed surprised. Maybe it was because she herself was at the hospital often, leaving her son at home. He wasn’t sure how to interpret it, at the same time that he simply wanted to enjoy this being easy for once. It was also part of the reason they were all together in the first place, as Lucas had promised to acompany him to the hospital. That obviously included Frieda to join. Hence this odd breakfast constellation.

„Not at all. It would have been hard to explain why I need to bring her to the hospital later anyway if you wouldn’t know.“

„I suppose so.“ Frieda agreed never loosing any of her contentment. He couldn’t really imagine this woman ever having a bad day, nevertheless depression. But then he also knew Sander and his cheery personality. Probably not a good idea to judge by first impression. As they already were on the topic, he may also just go on and ask.

„I could drop you of as well? We need to take the car anyway, and all four of us could fit easily.“

„Oh you don’t have to. But I’m not going to complain if you insist.“

„I insist.“ He grinned back at her, Lucas clearly happy that it went well so far and allowed for him to just follow their conversation along in silence, his hand resting on his boyfriend’s thigh.

„Alright, I’m back. I’m also famished, so let’s start.“ His mother declared, before he could say anything else, as she walked over, phone in hand.

„Finally.“ Lucas chimed in, immediately reaching for the bread rolls and butter. Jens didn’t had to be told twice either.

### Nov 27th, Friday 12:34

This went much better than the two boys had thought. 

They had finished their breakfast and afterwards just stayed at the table. Talking, joking and bonding. Especially their moms who had no shame but to unpack every embarrasing story on hand. It must be a parent thing to do. It also was a lot of fun, because Jens now knew about Lucas having fallen of a branch of an apple tree once, just barely a meter and a half of the ground, and still managed to break his arm. Yet unfortunately his boyfriend in return was told about the one time Robbe and him had stuck marbles up there noses, which lead to Jens crying for the whole duration of getting his best friend to the hospital to free him of his anguish, as only Jens had barely gotten it back out himself.

He had forgotten half the things his mother talked about. He wondered how long it would take to forget about the last couple of years as well that he spent with her in his life.

Sure, they had pictures, but it wasn’t the same.

So he watched her standing next to Frieda, laughing about something he couldn’t hear from the doorstep of his house. Their moms were busy packing their bags in the trunk. Suddelny it felt all too real. His mom wouldn’t be there for the next two weeks, without a garantuee that she would even be allowed to return home afterwards.

„Hey, you are drifting off again.“

Lucas pulled at his hand, bending his head just enough to get Jens to look at his face instead of the car behind his boyfriend. 

„Sorry.“ Jens apologised, closing the door behind him with the other hand that was still holding onto the door knob.

„It’s fine, just don’t do it while driving us maybe?“

„Good point.“ He replied, able to smirk at his boyfriend before he leaned in to kiss him. Just shy enough as they stoof infront of their parents, who didn’t actually paid them any attention to warrant caution.

„So what’s wrong suddenly?“ Lucas asked quietly pecking another kiss on Jens’s nose, that he wrinkled in return. It certainly did lift his mood.

„I know how much this sucks.“ His boyfriend continued as he only had recieved a shrug for an answer. „Let’s do one thing after another, okay? We drop of your mother first, then my mom, then head to my place to get my stuff and then pick up Lotte from school, and that’s all. Just four things. We can go to bed right away, if you’d like. End of today.“

He loved this boy winking at him after he had talked him through the short list of tasks ahead. It sounded much less overwhelming when it fitted all into one sentence.

„No it’s okay. It’s just gonna be weird to not have my mom around.“

It really was. He didn’t feel as sad as it was more the fear of loosing his mom so soon, that caused his weird emotional state right now. He also needed to get the house ready for his friends tomorrow and catch up on schoolwork anyway.

„I know.“

The smile on Lucas had fallen from his lips, his deep sigh, reminding Jens who the boy infront of him was. Obviously his boyfriend had brought his mom often to the hosiptal recently, but he also knew about a couple of times Lucas had worried for her life, as she had broken down at home more than once. Jens hadn’t dared yet to ask him if she had been violent or suicidal because of her illness.

„Sorry, you are right. Forgot for a second who I was talking to.“

Lucas nodded lightly, both of them somehow managing to bring their smiles back. Even if just to encourage each other.

„I love your smile. You look so much better with it. Try to keep it.“ Jens told him genuinly, as well as he was teasing just a little bit.

„Are you boys ready?“ Frieda called loudly for them from the car, breaking the boys out of the quite shared gaze the two had resided in til now. They both took a step back from each other, without ever letting go of their hands. Be it for support or just the generel feeling of having a loved one close.

„Are we?“ Lucas asked tilting his head lightly. Jens simply having to kiss his adorable boyfriend again, before he nodded and lead them away from the doorstep in order to join their moms in the car.

„Then let’s go. Get the Stoffels ambulance service on the road. We don’t want your mom to be late.“

They had enough time. Jens knew it and Lucas did too as he joked about it. Didn’t meant that it wouldn’t allow for Jens to have enough time to hug his mom goodbye. Preferably for the whole duration of the next two weeks, so he never actually had to leave her there.

A thought that comforted him as much as it made him hate himself for having at all, was the assurance that it wasn’t something he had to do often enough to get used to in the future

### Nov 27th, Friday 16:09

[(insta post/ chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/635950710619602944/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

## End of week 5

(I Want To Feel Alive by The Lighthouse And The Whaler)

* * *

_Thank you so much for reading my story and sticking with me. It means so much to me, honestly!_  
  


_This was a hard week to write, very conversation heavy, but I hope I did them all justice, especially with the saturday and monday clip._

_For saturday I had two versions, one where Jens was fighting his way through his explaination, screaming at Lucas in his desperation. And then the one that I chose in the end, that I can identify better with personally and I think fits better. I'm still not sure if I made the right call there a week after writing_ 💀

 _Concerning monday I really hope I could translate well enough what I felt would be the fitting reaction towards Jens's coming out. I know that most people write Robbe immediately excited and supportive, but to me Isak's character (and his counterparts) always had to struggle with insecurities and constant "what if"s and "what could be"s, given his fascination with the multiverse theory._  
_Also telling yourself you never have a chance because the person is straight to find out that isn't quite right, must suck_ 🙃

_I'll hope to hear from you, leave comments if you want to. Otherwise I'll be back next week with a new chapter as always._


	6. Flashed Junk Mind - Week 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for being back with me for week 6 🥰

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Flashed Junk Mind - Week 6

### Nov 28th, Saturday 20:41

„Who the fuck puts anchovies on a pizza?“ Moyo asked loudly, turning his head towards the girl next to him, happily pouring them on her half of the dough.

„I do. Try it first maybe, before spreading hate? It’s actually really good.“ Noor defended, stubbornly putting a couple more anchovies on it. Just out of spite, it looked like. Leaving the boy to look first at her and than at the pizza in disgust, wrinkling his nose.

„If you want to throw up, I suppose.“ Jens wouldn’t disagree there with his friend.

„Why do I even try to argue with you?“ She sighed, leaning with her hip now at the counter, waiting for the pizza baking currently in the oven to be done.

Moyo and Noor bickering in the kitchen had been the main entertainment for the last twenty minutes. At least to everyone not occupied otherwise. Jens would almost dare to call it filrting to be honest. Especially as they did smile a lot at each other, standing definitely closer now as they watched for the cooking time. Jens was rooting for his boy Moyo for month now. Unfortunately it was doomed to fail. This dude just couldn’t help himself but say stupid things, setting them back every single time.

It had been Sanders idea to make a huge portion of dough and then let everyone just put on it what their hearts desired. It also meant that Jens had to clean up a flour covered Lotte twice. While Robbe cleaned Sander. Him and his sister having had a little battle while preparing the food this afternoon, luckily before all the others of the group had arrived.

This kitchen and dinner table was an even bigger mess now. Still they had a blast to see who could pile more on the dought. The loaded pizzas then were literally heaved into the oven as best as they could. The weight made it almost an impossible task without ripping holes somewhere.

Jens sat on the floor between Robbe and Lucas by the couch table, while Milan entertained Lotte with some sort of story he had made up. Sander listening intently next to her, only occasionally throwing Robbe an amused glance when Milan was especially dramatic. The half eaten slices of their abomination of a pizza left on a plate between them. Sander and Lotte both had agreed to anything the other person had suggested. Robbe only had watched highly gleeful, telling Jens that this would definitely lead to a disaster, speaking from experience.

„It’s so good to meet up again.“ Amber said from the sofa, that the girls had occupied. Even though they all were probably a couple to many to meet, they all had basically quarantined over the last two weeks. They agreed on no alcohol for the evening and to leave at eleven. 

Jens also had hoped it would help him feel a little better. And though he laughed a little easier with them around. He still felt lonely inmidst his friends.

„Right? I almost went crazy having just the boys around.“ Zoë chuckled, blowing a kiss to Senne locking up from his phone, to roll her eyes at her.

„We are not that bad.“ It was a nice try of Robbe to defend the four boys living at the flatshare. Even though against Zoë and Amber he couldn’t possibly stand a chance.

„You are definitely too loud, even if you believe the shower right next to my room will cover for it.“ And there she was, Zoë, the fighter, winking at Robbe amused. Though his best friend actually smirked back, not yet defeated.

„Then tell Sander to keep his hands to himself. I am absolutely innocent in this.“ Oh Robbe, Jens thought holding back a laugh, as he patted his best friend shoulder, wrapping his arm around the boy afterwards.

„You are the least innocent person I know, Robbe.“ Zoë raised her eyebrows at the boy, thinking about what to reply. Jens probably should break it off, while it stayed relatively harmless.

„Guys, my little sister is in the room, if you may, you know, not talk about that here.“

„Sorry.“ Robbe and Zoë said at the same time, turning towards Jens with big eyes. As if he would get mad at them. He would have happily let them continue, if it wouldn’t be for Lotte across the room.

„Must suck for you though, right?“ 

Jens was confused by Aaron’s sudden question, as the boy took the seat on the sofa next to his girlfriend, a fresh glass of water in hand. Everyone else fortunately seemed just as puzzled. Good, wasn’t just Jens then.

„What?“ He so eloquently returned.

„Being single in a lockdown, bro.“ Aaron elaborated on his earlier statement. 

„I guess.“ I wouldn’t know. Jens added in his mind, feeling Lucas’s hand on his lower back, slipping under his hoodie and shirt. Fucking Lucas. He turned his head away from the sofa, towards his boyfriend. Who was not even looking at him, busy with his phone in his free hand, while his fingers brushed over his bare skin. 

Either Lucas had listened and just decidedly acted uninterested. Or this boy simply had the best timing to let Jens now that Jens indeed had a boyfriend at his side, even if only through small hidden gestures.

„Okay the next Pizza is done. One half with rocket salad and..“ Moyo shouted from the kitchen, pulling out the grate from the heat with the bright red oven gloves. He made a good chef, none of the pizzas had been burnt under his careful watch.

„Me!“ Aaron declared excitedly, jumping up from his spot to hurry over.

„And eh looks like ham, corn, bell peppers and olives maybe?“ Noor provided, unsure as she examined the little bit that was sticking out under the thick layer of cheese.

„Uh that’s mine!“ Lucas called, unfortunately leaving his place and thus also the hand that had caressed Jens for the last couple of minutes. But then his boyfriend returned with a full plate of something that shouldn’t be called a pizza.

Maybe Jens had to rethink the whole relationship again. Robbe’s and his very simple pepperoni mozarella pizza, topped with fresh basil, actually resembled and honered the italien kitchen. Best friends for life, in every life. They didn’t even have to ask and went for the same things to throw on. Robbe was a good boy to have.

Contrary to his boyfriend happily munching away on his first piece.

„Stop looking disgusted and try.“ He hold another slice up, for Jens to take a bite from. And he did, even when reluctantly. Lucas knew too well that he just had to give Jens this one look, his eyes glinting excited for the older boy to agree with him.

Okay maybe it wasn’t as bad as he had expected, still. To prove a point he rolled his eyes, not ready to eather admit nor dismiss it. Lucas grinning smugly at him, as he leaned in, close enough to whisper.

„So you still adore me, even though I like this?“

Jens could feel the breath on the skin beneath his ear. He smiled, trying not to look too affected by his boyfriend.

„I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.“

Robbe fortunately pretended to see and hear nothing, presenting Jens with the screen of his phone. 

21:04

„Lotte?“ His sister’s head spun around startled by Jens calling for her.

„It’s nine. Time for bed.“ He reminded her, the girl almost unbelieving as she looked at Milan’s phone that was just in reach of her hands.

„Can’t we do ten?“

„Nope.“ 

„Nine thirty?“

„No.“

„Fine.“ His sister groaned unhappy with her sitaution. „Can Sander bring me to bed then?“

Jens wasn’t sure if he should feel hurt by his sister not wanting him to bring her to bed. But then it was Sander, and Jens was here every day. He barely would stand a chance to try and deny Lotte her wish. So he turned towards the boy in question next to her. Jens didn’t even had to ask.

„Sure, I won’t mind.“ Sander said smiling confidently, felxing his arms, as if strenght was a requierment to prep an eight year old for bed.

„Really?“ Jens just would give him one more chance to opt out of it, but the older boy nodded, already on his feet, helping up Lotte in the process.

„Okay. Ehem, make sure she actually brushed her teeth and washed her hands before bed and the rest she’ll do on her own anyway.“ He wouldn’t complain, if it meant that Jens could just stay right here with Robbe and Lucas and everyone else to enjoy the rest of the night.

„On it!“ Sander stuck his thumbs up, following Lotte up the stairs. 

Jens gave them fifteen minutes before he would check on them.

„Papa Jens, you will be a great father one day.“ Yasmina said amused, now next to Milan, having been rather quiet over the course of the evening. Jens had almost forgotten that she was here as well. He knew it was meant as a tease, as well as a compliment by the girl smiling at him. It still stung to hear. He’d rather not think about it.

„Oh my god. Why do I trust this girl?“

Moyo yelled, sounding quite sick, as he spit out whatever was in his mouth.Everyone immediately looking over to find their friend being laughed at by Noor with half a slice of her Pizza in her hand.

„Because Im right and you are just stupid not to like anchovies on pizza.“

And on they all went to watch the playful taunting for a second round.

### Nov 29th, Sunday 09:07

What the fuck?

This was way too early for surprises.

It took Jens a full minute to figure out why he was staring into Robbe’s sleeping face as he woke up by a quiet thud outside his room. Probably Lotte, he really should get up, and check on her, if only he wouldn’t be still so tired, 

If Jens remembered correctly the four boys only had went to bed at around two, maybe even three in the morning. All of them falling into Jens’s bed, barely able to retrieve another blanket of his mom’s room before squeezing close to fit next to each other. In the truest sense of the word. It wasn’t that he hadn’t a large bed, but four of them did seem one too many. His best friend also definitely had a leg thrown over him, locking him in place.

Robbe was a cute boy, Jens had to admit, even if he always had somewhat known that, as he watched his best friend breathing calm and even, the blanket pulled up right under his chin. Sander’s hair stuck out just enough to be visible behind, while he had his face buried in Robbe’s back. Jens was almost worried that the older boy may not get any air at all. Almost.

Preferable he wouldn’t have to get up, as he enjoyed the warmth of the bed, buried under his blanket, Lucas’s arm around him. Jens definitely had to wake his boyfriend in order to get out of his embrace. Perhaps even Robbe. Usually they weren’t sleeping entangled around each other, but the little space they had to work with wasn’t leaving many options.

So he turned slowly onto his back, trying his best to do it as silent as possible. He managed to slip his leg out from under Robbe’s, the boy luckily completely still and unbothered. But of course Lucas stirred beside him, a deep yawn on his lips, as he hardly was able to blink his eyes open. Not loosing any time though to search for him and only settle once he found his gaze.

Jens wasn’t sure if Lucas always had been a light sleeper, or if the younger boy had sadly adjusted to him waking often at night. Because his boyfriend always noticed him moving and definitely leaving the bed, even if each person slept on their side, under their blanket, without them touching. If Jens opened his eyes, usually so did Lucas.

„Shh.“ Jens gestured for the other boy to stay quiet while he also pointed over his shoulder to the couple occupying the other side. Hopefully at least his friends could sleep in, if it wasn’t granted to the two boys half awake now. There was even more noise coming from downstairs, just faintly, but in the silence of his room, it was certainly audible. 

Lucas gave him a biref nod of mutual understanding while he pulled his arm away to allow for Jens to climb over him and out of bed. It wasn’t graceful as he stumbled off the mattress, loosing his footing and just able to balance himself in time, three staps across towards the door.

When he turned back he found Lucas grinning and blowing him a kiss, right before he shifted over, closer to Robbe, or more precise further away from the edge of the bed. Trying to get at least a little more rest.

Jens grabbed one of the freshly washed socks from a pile of folded, but not yet stowed away clothes on his drawer. To be honest he probably, as always, would wear piece after piece without them ever having seen the inside of his closet. Why put it away, if one takes it back out the next day anyway? Okay, maybe he was just too lazy.

Glad to have sneaked out successfully, he closed the door behind him and went downstairs, only to find a very busy girl, pulling out a pan from the cupboard, as the counter was filled by fruits and plates and bread and eggs and milk.

„Morning, what are you uo to?“

„Breakfast. I’m making fried eggs and a fruit salad.“ Lotte explained much too energetic for his tired brain, but he pulled himself together and went to aid her with her mission. Jens was a little cross with his sister, she knew exactly that this wasn’t okay.

„I told you not to use the stove when no adult is around. I don’t want you to burn and hurt yourself.“ He tried to use a tone his mom always used to rebuke them for shit they had done. It only was semi-sucsessful as she looked at him unchanged.

„I just wanted to surprise you all with breakfast.“

„I know. And that is really nice of you. Still. No adult, no stove. Wake me next time, understood?“ Lotte watched him as she considered his words carefully. There had been rarely situations til now where the dynamic between them had to shift. Usually she would run upstairs to complain to their mom, but that wasn’t an option. So the two of them remained staring at each other expectantly for a good while until Lotte broke it off. 

Jens released a breath he hadn’t been aware he had held over the past minute or so. Though he certainly had been afraid that she may wanted to test how far she could go, now that it was just the two siblings at home. He knew, he would have.

„Understood.“ Lotte pursed her lips, clearly not happy to surrender to Jens. Thank god. He was too tired to argue with her on a sunday morning. 

„How about I take on the egg duty and handle the stove, while you prepare the fruits? Oh and do you want the bread toasted?“ His little sister had first squinted at him warily, before she nodded at his suggestion. Jens was simply pleased to see her immediately brightening up when she eagerly began to arrange the fruits for some odd reason, that he wasn’t going to question. Instead he took the pan from her other hands and turned on the heat.

### Nov 29th, Sunday 18:19

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636139991406346240/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots636139991406346240/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Nov 29th, Sunday 18:37

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636141176788008960/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Nov 30th, Monday 15:46

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636220979637534720/nov-30th-monday-1546)

### Nov 30th, Monday 19:12

Jens was nervous.

They had booked the train tickets to Utrecht this afternoon. And that meant that Jens would not only get to see the city his boyfriend came from, but also meet all of his friends for the first time. People he only had heard about in stories and seen through the few posts and chat messages on instagram, that Jens had been shown by Lucas here and there.

He hoped he would fit in, make a good enough impression on friday. Especially with Isa, the girl who was one óf his best friends and was going to pick them up, as well as let them stay over at her place. Lucas was already so very excited to go, talking about little else since saturday.

The fact that they had to bring Lotte, didn’t seem to bother his boyfriend at all. Which Jens was really grateful for. He had hoped that Lars would be able to take his little sister for the weekend, but unfortunately he could have only watched her on sunday. So his sister would come with. It probably would be fun for Lotte as well and with the 5th happening on saturday, Jens was actually happy to have her there too. He had bought her some special set of coloured pancils that Sander used and he knew she wanted so badly too. They were only the base six colours, because holy shit were art supplies apparently expensive. How the hell did Sander afford this? Parents for sure.

Lucas also had planned to come out to his friends, the second he would set a foot in the city, which would mean that they could just enjoy their first trip together as a couple. And wasn’t that the best thing to look forward to?

Considering all, it was a good nervous feeling. More equaling excitement.

Jens smiled as he sat at the table, watching his boyfriend sway in rythym to some song, that Jens would assume was soul, it resembled the style of one or two songs of Lucas’s playlist for him last week. Lucas was swining to the music instinctive, while washing the pots and pans in the sink they had used for dinner. Lotte was upstairs watching something on her switch, simply leaving the boys to clean up on their own.

Lucas had put on a playlist before he had started. A playlist he had created the second after they finished The Queens Gambit yesterday So of course it included an unfathomable amount of songs from the 60s and 70s, and his boyfirend was living for it. Right up his ally, as he already had vibed to every single one of those included in the soundtrack while watching.

His head was bobbing up and down, his foot tapping on beat with the drums, as he moved his shoulders and hips from left to right. He was definitely dancing as he rinsed of the soap from a pan and placed it on a kitchen towl to dry next to him. If Jens listened closely, he could even hear his boyfirend very faintly sing along.

Was it even possible to fall any harder in love then he already had at this point?

Apparently, as Jens felt his heart could explode at the sheer sight of Lucas enjoying himself.

Who obviously had to spin around just that moment to greet Jens with an overly charming, yet gleeful grin on his lips, as the playlist jumped to the next song.

One that Jens knew, and he already hated it, as much as he loved it.

„You are the worst. I hate you.“

„You fell for me the second I stepped in your life. This song is you, so much. “

Of course it wasn’t. Jens didn’t really believe at love in first sight. Never had. Not with Britt, nor with Jana. Attraction. yes. Love, no.

„It’s not. I didn’t even know you, I just thought you were hot.“ Jens therefore stated smirking. He had told Lucas about his exact thoughts he had had that morning on the school’s courtyard. How mesmerised he had been by Lucas’s blue eyes. How he had waited impatiently the next day for the lunch break to see him, his now boyfriend, again. A bit cringy perhaps, but hey, it worked out perfectly well in the end.

„Same thing.“ 

Lucas shrugged, snapping his fingers to the beat, while laughing at Jens snorting. The older boy only shook his head way too happy on a monday evening. His silly boyfriend, before just faintly whispering under his breath, now full on singing along as the chorus hit. Thank god no one was around to see Jens look at Lucas. The adoration he felt was definitely embarresing and definitely showing on his face.

„Not a trace of doubt in my mind

I'm in love, I'm a believer!

I couldn't leave her if I tried.“

Lucas wasn’t a great singer, that was for sure. At least he hit most of the notes. But damn, did this boy have the energy and passion for it, as he gestured for Jens to come over and join, absolutely delighted, carried away by the music alone.

Jens would strongly blame the lack of actual parties in the last month, as he found himself getting up from the chair and actually moving over. He started to sway slowly to find the beat and rythym his boyfriend was somewhat dancing to.

The last dirty pot was forgotten in the sink behind the two boys. Who only had eyes for each other in that moment, busy to get the words right, between giggles and catching breathes. Jens took hold of his boyfriend’s hand, to pull him closer and spin around on his feet, catching him with a stolen kiss, before he pushed him back gently. Only to do it all over again.

### Dec 1st, Tuesday 11:37

It was an odd feeling to walk through the hallways of his shool again, almost impossible to believe that it only had been a couple of weeks instead of month. Next week they even would have a couple of classes to attend again at school.

Jens took the stairs down, only one or two other students crossing his path on his way out. He never had seen the building this quiet and empty. At least not to his memory. It was pretty eerie.

Robbe and Moyo were already waiting outside by the gate, laughing about something when Jens crossed the school’s yard to join them on the pavement, immediately taking off his face mask. Finally. He was only just able to catch a glimpse of Luca sending his two friends a salute as she got on a bus.

„You made it.“ Robbe exclaimed proudly, the first to spot him coming closer, quickly followed by Moyo fist bumping him as he reached them

„Barely. I literally wrote the last sentence as the time was up. I couldn’t even proofread the thing.“

„You are not alone. Robbe had just told us that he gave up reading it over and over again halfway through, and just handed it in early. Same here, man. So if we fail, we fail as broerrrs. Together.“ Moyo finished his brief little speech, that didn’t really comforted Jens at all. They had been done with the test ten minutes earlier than him, he had seen them leave, while desperately writting his thoughts down. But at least it was well-intentioned, he guessed as all three of them sighed.

It wasn’t that Jens didn’t know French. He could understand and speak it just fine. It was just having to write and answer all these long ass texts in an awful short period of time that always killed him. So he probably would be fine in the end, wiggeling his way through well enough to pass. He hoped at least. Math on friday was a whole other beast to survive.

„I failed so hard.“ Aaron shouted whining from the courtyard of the school, as him and Lucas were on their way to meet them. Poor Aaron, Jens thought sympathetical, but still amused at the comical devastated face their friend made. And certainly he wasn’t alone, as the other two boys waiting next to Jens also grinned at Aaron stumbling over.

„Come on, it won’t be that bad.“ 

Moyo definitely had stepped up to be their motivational speaker today, trying to keep up the morale of the group. Even if he was quite shit at it to be honest.

„No it was super bad. Urgh. I don’t want to fail my last year.“ 

„You wont.“ His tone was rather matter of fact, as Jens caught Aaron’s gaze to sound and look as assuring as it was possible for him in that moment. At least it seemed to work a little, when Aaron nodded and even smiled gently, when Robbe patted his back lightly.

„That’s exactly what I told him as well.“ Lucas said, having also just written the German test with Aaron. Jens was so sure that his boyfriend must have aced it. He looked rather unbothered by the whole two weeks filled with tests ahead of them. Which probably stemmed from Lucas studying just as much, if not even more than them. Jens would know, sitting next to him at home, being easily distracted by everything, while his boyfriend miraculously managed to concentrate on his notes.

„So Geography tomorrow, huh?“ Moyo asked, recieving a positive nod from everyone in their little circle. Geography was managable. Jens wasn’t too worried.„Oh fuck, guys, we should probably go.“ Robbe had just taken his phone out to check for something, apparently the time, when he picked up his backpack from the ground between his feet.

„We? Who is we?“ Aaron looked confused between them, as did only Moyo, unaware that it answered his own question, while wondering if he had forgotten aboout something important.

„Sander has his photoshoot today, and Lucas here promised to model, if you remember four weeks ago at the park?“

„Oh right. What kind of photos? Skating?“ 

Aaron actually seemed interested asking for Jens to explain further, who of course had no idea either. Sander didn’t really give anything away on sunday, other than the time and place to meet. Which was some apartment of a fellow student from the academy, the three boys had been told, cuddling on the sofa. And that was kind of it. Jens believed that not even Lucas had much more information, other than the clothes he would be wearing. 

„It’s an editorial.“ His boyfriend provided, looking not quite convinced that he knew what he was talking about. So last but not least Robbe picked up from there.

„Basically their group is putting together a magazin this semester, one is doing texts, another layout, a third the cover and so on. And Sander takes the photos. He already did some studiowork for fake adverts and stuff last week. Today is a bit more fashion, a bit more...“

„Alright, that’s enough information.“ Moyo declared, stopping Robbe in his explanation, who did right away, not particular affronted by their friend’s dismissive tone. Still his best friend rolled his eyes at the tone Moyo had used. Sometimes this boy should learn to be a little less of an dick, Jens thought.

„We really need to leave anyway, so I guess we’ll see you tomorrow?“ Robbe said instead, followed by all of them bidding goodbye, promising to meet in front of the school at half past nine again.

„For sure!“ Aaron happily said, waving them goodbye, as the three boys turned to walk down the street, Lucas and Jens basically trusting Robbe to know where he was going. 

Jens wasn’t even sure, what he would be doing the whole time, as he only had agreed to come too, when Lucas had asked him, rather nervous about the whole thing. So he guessed he’d just sit around and watch the boys doing their stuff. Hopefully it wouldn’t take to long. Lotte needed to be picked up by five today.

They had crossed a couple of streets by now, school far behind them, and Jens found Lucas taking his hand. It was, he believed the first time they did outside of their houses. He smiled.

### Dec 2nd, Wednesday 07:07

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636369583342829568/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Dec 2nd, Wednesday 07:08

„Come on.“

The stupid little dots were indicating that it was indeed trying to connect to a call, it just took forever. Jens could only pray that it would be picked up, as he had seen her, not a minute ago, commenting on a picture on his insta from yesterday. If he could count on one thing, it was his ex being online way too late on a school night. Not that he was much better most of the time. But right now it was absolutely perfect, because he badly needed her.

„Jens?“ Appeared the very curious and very tired voice of Jana form the speaker, as the video of her popped up on his laptop screen. She was already dressed in a long shirt and not much else, hair still wet from a shower, ready to head to bed, Jens assumed. He felt a little sorry to keep her up.

„Oh thank god! Do you know how to french braid hair?“

She looked at him first indifferent, until she actually understood what he had asked her. Then it quickly turned into sheer confusion. And a bit unbelieving, as if she hadn’t heard him correctly.

„What?“

„French braid?“ He tried again, smiling at her, feeling insecure all of the sudden. He kinda got why it would be weird of him to ask such a thing, and at such a time too. He hadn’t cut his hair recently or anything, but it definitely didn’t warrented to be braided. He was positive it wasn’t even possible to be forced into a ponytail.

„Eh yes, I guess.“ Jana watched him suspiciously, which made Jens think that he probably should have turned his laptop a little to show his sister sitting crosslegged infront of him on the mattress. Her back towards him, various hair ties and bobby pins strewn between them. 

He had tried, okay?

„So Lotte asked for her hair to be braided today, because they have like an important presentation or something in class and I told her no problem. I even watched a tutorial last night and thought I had it.“ Jens quickly explained how he got here, continuing on. „Well I don’t. I suck at it. Thank god, we got up super early, but now I’m two more youtube videos deep and I am loosing my mind. Lucas is already downstairs preparing her lunchbox for me. Literal angel. But I need both my hands. And I can’t pause and start the video every minute, as the hair will just fall all over the place again. Help.“

Jens tried his most pleading face, even pursed his lips, though he was pretty sure that Jana would have helped him anyway. At the moment however she seemed to have heard just one thing, and one thing only.

„Lucas?“ Fuck.

„Eh yes, he slept over.“ 

Jens tried to sound as casual as possible, shrugging his shoulders as she squinted his eyes at him. It was his go to answer. Gladly she didn’t know the extent to which Lucas stayed over. Because there was at least half a suitcase full of clothes stored in one of his drawers since Lucas had brought them last friday, and they didn’t talk about the permanent toothbrush in the bathroom, that had been there since a week earlier. Lucas didn’t like to be home alone, and Jens was relieved to have someone other than his sister around while his mom wasn’t here. It worked. He wouldn’t complain. He also was scared to actually think about it.

So If he was very lucky, his brief reply was enough to get the topic of the table. He really didn’t have much time left, to first of all come out, additionally to his ex. And then talk about anything else that entailed the subject. Jens barely thought he had enough time to get Lotte’s hair braided.

„We have 15 minutes.“ He therefore stated. It suprisingly looked like it had managed to prevent her from interrogating him for now, as she sighed and leaned back.

„Alright. Morning Lotte, by the way.“ Jana greeted his little sister smiling, who fortunately was very patient througout the whole process. Apart from her threatening to hate him forever if Jens couldn’t braid her hair. He swore himself in thought that her feelings would be gladly reprocreated, given the stress he felt right now. Well it was a little better now that he had Jana for support. She was truly the best, He’d definitely had to get her a great christmas present.

„Hi Jana! Yes, please help, Jens is so bad at it.“ Lotte whined, briefly turning her head to plead quite similar to Jens just a moment ago for his ex’s expertise. Defintely siblings. Also how ungrateful of her, as he was doing everything he could. Eight year olds, Jens, decided, were defiant assholes.

„Okay, can you turn the screen a little more, I’ll talk you through as best as I can manage via a video call, so don’t expect too much. First of all start by sectioning her hair, take a big strand from the very top center of her head.“

„Uhm, like this?“ He hold it up.

„Yes, exactly.“

### Dec 3rd, Thursday 02:21

The house was dark. 

He hadn’t bothered to turn any lights on. Trusting his intuition, and his eyes adjusting to the dark greyish tint of a slient familiar place at night. 

Jens had given up to fall back asleep fifteen minutes ago. And herefore had went downstairs to get himself some water, his throat inexplicably dry, him freezing as he tiptoed back up the steps. His sister was sleeping and he rather made close to no noises, in order to give her the sleep she needed and deserved. It was bad enough that he had trouble to rest.

Lucas was home with his mom, so Jens could be assured that he wasn’t waking anyone else on his little night expedition. It ws a calming thought to have. No guilt.

His eyes fell onto the closed door of his mothers room, as he was about to head straight towards his own, and preferably get warmed by his blanket waiting for him.

Jens swallowed.

He put the half filled glass down on the floor next to him, his hands were trembling very faintly, as he went up to the door, his hand on the handle. His knuckles paled as he clung to the cold metal under his fingers. He froze in place.

What the fuck would he do with the room, once it was no longer occupied by his mom?

A shiver ran down his spine, that Jens wasn’t sure had been caused by the cold of the winter night or the pending question that had just formed in his mind. One that now got comfortable with ease next to all the other ones haunting him, ready to stay for a very long time.

He wasn’t sure how long he still had, but at one point he had to face it. He probably should figure out how to handle everything left with his mother’s passing, just not now. Not now.

So he tried his hardest to stop his mind from spiralling further, without really having any success.

When is too early to let go of a loved one?

Would he ever be able to completely empty out the room behind the door?

Could he bear to use this space for anything else after?

Should he even think about it, when she was still alive?

Was he a bad person for doing so?

The door opened under the pressure of his hands pushing it open.

It looked the same. 

Nothing’s out of the ordinary, other than the bed being made and empty.

It felt wrong.

It also felt like home. Jens knew he probably should head back to his room, but he couldn’t refrain from walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed. His left hand automatically pulled the drawer of the nightstand open. There was nothing inside, but a forgotten pen and an almost empty box of tissues. Usually his mom kept her medication in here, and a couple of photographs, important documents, as well as some of her favourite chocolate.

She had taken them with her. He knew. He had helped her pack them. So Jens was uncertain what he actually had expected to happen in the first place, as he stared at the nacked wood of the drawer’s floor. He closed it, his eyes fell to his feet.

Jens would definitely cry if he lied down here in her bed. Even though this was kind of everything he wanted to do right now. Fortunately his phone was left in his room, a good enough reason for him not to dwell on all the thoughts that dared to overwhelm him. Instead he would get up and leave the room, pulling the door tightly shut again. 

That’s what Jens did.

He had to, he couldn’t risk being knocked out by exhaustion at some point. If he wasn’t going to hear his alarm and get Lotte ready for school in time, he would hate himself because of it in the morning.

The door to his mothers room was closed behind him agin.

Jens didn’t look back, as he collected his glass from the floor. Remembering it when he was heading back to his room. Only when he slid underneath his blanket, did he notice how cold he must have been sitting in the empty room.

He swore himself to try yet again to find some more sleep this night, as the welcomed warmth settled over him.

### Dec 3rd, Thursday 21:36

Jens would be lying, if he said he’d knew why he had felt the strong need to touch Lucas.

Once his sister had been tugged into bed, her eyes closed and fast asleep, he had met Lucas halfway up the stairs and pulled into his room without another word. It wasn’t really needed between ardent kisses and long shared glances. It had spoken for itself.

And now he found Lucas cuddeling up to him, both naked, sweating and too warm. Still he grabbed for the blanket crumbled at their feet to pull up, before his boyfriend’s head settled on his chest. Jens was taking deep breaths wanting to calm his heartbeat, as he stared up towards the ceiling, one hand combing through Lucas’s hair.

The silence for once felt nice to be in, just them breathing, lying in bed. 

It wasn’t even late and he wasn’t even tired.

Tomorrow at that time, they’d be in Utrecht. Jens only had been there once, at five, it didn’t really count. He couldn’t remember anything from that trip, other than a photograph showing both his parents, Lies and himself. So he was really looking forward to see where Lucas grew up at. The boy hadn’t told him much apart from them being picked up and sleeping at Isa’s place.

„What kind of sweets are Isa’s favourites?“

Lucas shifted from where he lied, turning his head up a little. It looked uncomfortable to Jens, but the younger boy didn’t complain. Instead he watched Jens puzzled by the sudden question.

„Ehm, anything really. I suppose if you want to get on her good side, just any sort of crisps are the way to go.“

„Alright. We should get her some then tomorrow.“ Jens said determined, a sly grin growing on his lips, causing Lucas to eye him suspiciously.

„Why?“ His boyfriend inquired, his eyes small and questioning.

„Because I really need to thank her for the hotdogs.“

Jens almost managed to sound as non-chalant as he had planned to, knowing exactly it would screw with Lucas. And of course he had been right, when the younger boy’s eyes went wide as soon as the realisation hit.

„Oh god, Jens. No.“ His boyfriend exclaimed utterly shocked as he pushed himself up and sat, looking at Jens through big eyes, his expresion one of disbelief at the bluntness. Obviously both aware of the implication in his statement. 

If Lucas hadn’t wanted Jens to tease him with that story, the boy shouldn’t have told him in the first place. Jens thought it was kind of justified to use it for jokes and giggles.

„What? I think she would appreciate it. I’m super grateful. It’s awesome.“ Jens reaffirmed, getting smacked just below his rips at the backhanded compliment. Though Jens really meant it. It was indeed more than he ever could have asked for. He curled up in laughter at Lucas’s pink blushed face while he looked up at him, who couldn’t hide from the small smile crawling onto his lips.

„I swear to god, I’ll kill you if you do that.“

Jens hold his hands up in deafeat, Lucas ready to smack him again, if he had too. 

„Okay, okay. I’m not going to mention it, instead we’ll tell her it’s for the hospitality, but you know what I meant.“

Lucas snorted, throwing his head back with a sigh at Jens’s suggestion. His amusement clear on his face, as Jens took hold of his hand, just to pull him back down again into his arms.

„You are lucky I like you. Because I’m close to just leave you here tomorrow and go on my own. The risk is too high.“

Jens heard Lucas mumble dramatically against his chest, his head back where it had been before Jens had opened his big mouth. They stayed like this for a little longer, until the younger boy yawned, pecking gentle kisses against the skin he rested on.

„So who is going to turn off the light on the desk?“ 

It was Jens who asked, knowing very well that Lucas would gladly free the older boy, only to not have to get up himself. Asshole. 

The blanket was lifted a second later, the heat of the body next to him gone, as Jens was being pushed off the bed by his boyfriend. Why did he fall for him anyway?

### Dec 4th, Friday 14:52

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636580179031015424/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Dec 4th, Friday 19:17

The station was rather busy, people rushing from place to place, as Jens, Lucas and Lotte had stepped off the train. They had taken the stairs up and let Lucas lead the siblings to wherever he had organised to meet his two friends.

While the atmosphere on the ride here had been rather cheery and full of them talking and joking, Lotte drawing them page after page of supposedly them three on a train, it had gotten tenser with each passing minute closer to their arrival. 

Lucas next to him, grew definitely nervous, him turning completely silent as they walked over to another set of stairs they took down. Isa and Kes both hadn’t been told yet who his friend would bring along on his weekend visit. To the two boys it had sounded funny to just surprise his dutch friends. That was until now. Jens could definitely understand this to be a very hard thing to do. 

But his boyfriend was determined and therefore Jens took his hand for a moment until they reached the outside. That’s when he let go again. Lucas smiling briefly back at him, when Jens pecked a kiss against his temple. So gentle, it could have been the older boy just leaning in.

And then Lucas’s smile doubled in intensity as he got excited to see two people spotting them, waving cheerfully.

Both the girl and the boy were dressed in thick coats and scarfs. Both with dark brown curly hair and friendly faces. Isa and Kes, his two best friends, as Lucas had told him so often before. 

The girl’s face though quickly turned into an awfully big grin, as they came closer.

„Aaaaaah.“ She yelled, her hands raised to cover her mouth as she stared at the two boys and Lotte stopping infront of her.

„You okay there Ies?“ Lucas asked very amused, but just as much puzzled by her reaction, while pulling the giggling girl into a long hug.

„Oh my god luc! Finally!“ She exclaimed excited, leaning back in his arms, only to peck a kiss at his cheek and step back very pleased.

Lucas could only shrug, as he looked over to Jens. Both of them visibly unsure what to make of the girl infront of them. She definitely had a lot of energy. And was cute, as her eyes basically gleamed in the light of the station and streetlamps around them.

„Hello to you too? What’s up?“ Lucas tried again, hugging Kes, who did look just as confused at the girl next to him. Apparently a recent development of excitment, Jens guessed.

„I saw you holding hands on the stairs. You are... You know. Right?“

Oh. Okay, Jens got it now and so did Lucas freezing up in his step back to Jens’s side. The younger boy’s eyes transfixed on Isa, who couldn’t stop grinning.

„I had planned to tell you and talk about that at your place instead of here, but eh, yes.“ His boyfriend struggled to keep his voice steady, definitely succumbing to a whisper at the end.

„He is hot, well done.“ Isa certainly was bold, especially as she turned to face Jens and proceeded to wink at him, leaving Jens to feel as dumbfounded as Lucas looked like.

„How do you know?“ His boyfriend asked, curiousity slipping through.

„I’m confused, who knows what?“ Obviously the person being at a loss the most was Kes. Who looked bewildred between them back and forth, his face one big question mark, as he wrinkled his brows. He was unfortunately left to remain in his confusion, when Isa just went on to explain without giving much context.

„Well, Liv and me were kinda waiting for you. We sort of suspected it since last year at the gathering. The one you let Liv borrow your phone? Well she saw the links open in your browser and showed them to me.“

Lucas stared at her, mouth open, wide eyed at the girls confession. 

Jens guessed that Lucas had absolutely not expected to hear this.

„What?“ His boyfriend asked in great disbelieve.

„Sorry, we just wanted you to figure it out yourself, I guess.“ She shrugged smiling apologetic, before topping it off: „Also you messaged Ralph on Grindr, he showed us. So that kinda really confirmed it. Love us, please!“

Isa sweetly batted her eyelashes at the poor boy staring back at her helplessly. 

Jens couldn’t refrain from the sheer amusement crawling onto his face by the awkward revelation. He couldn’t quite pin down who Ralph was again. The name certainly had come up before. But it was clear that it was a shared friend of theirs, as Lucas blushed embarressed to have been caught.

„Somebody here who can help me out?“ Kes pleaded, forgotten where he stood next to Isa.

„Right.“ Lucas turned around to look at his best friend, who was patiently waiting to be let in on it. He got rather uncomfortable, so Jens decided to just fuck it and grab Lucas’s hand, squeezing it gently to let his boyfriend know that he wasn’t alone in this. Just like Lucas had done so often before for him.

„This is Jens. He is my boyfriend.“

Kes was blinking for quite a while, utterly overwhelmed, deep in thoughts about the introduction he had just been given by his best friend. Isa on the other hand was back again to grin at them overly happy about it all.

„Anyway. I’m Isa, and this gaping fish here is Kes. No worries, he’ll get over it. It is so good to meet you in person. Honestly. We’ve really just had seen you commenting on instagram so far. And Lucas just wouldn’t tell us who he’d bring, so consider the surprise succsessful.“

„Oh for sure. I’m super happy to be here and finally get to meet you all.“

While Jens and Isa finally found the moment to properly greet each other, Kes seemed to have come to a conclusion. The boy, still perplexed, now at least wasn’t staring any longer, instead he swallowed hard on something and took a step closer to put his hand on Lucas’s shoulder. 

„Okay, this is weird. Ehem not bad, no, but weird. Since when do you know that you are also interessted in guys?“ 

„Not also. But just.“ Lucas corrected his best friend firmly, looking straight at him in hope Kes would get it. And he did.

„Oh, that’s fine too, of course.“

„Then I suppose always. I had a hard time admitting it though, hence the girls.“

The two boys cracking a smile as they hugged yet again, Lucas looking much more at ease now that this part of his coming out was over. At least to his best friends, who honestly were some of the most important people to be accepted by. Jens knew. He also knew that it wasn’t all of it, the crush on his best friend still kept a secret. And Jens now got both sides. Maybe best to not bring it up for now, or perhaps ever, given the hesitation in Kes’s reaction. He knew, he wouldn’t.

„Well, glad to see you happy. And eh Jens, it’s great to meet you too.“ Kes said, saluting Jens, before him and Lucas let go of each other.

It was then that the four were kinda reminded of the fith person standing infront of the station. Lotte cleared her throat loudly, asking for attention from where she had settled next to Jens, slightly hiding behind his arm, carrying her own small backpack.

„I’m cold.“ She complained, „And hungry!“, She added quickly, earning a smirk and nod from Jens. 

„Seconded.“ He said, looking expectantly at Lucas to let him understand that they probably should get going. The cold definitely was biting now that Lotte had brought it up.

„We didn’t even say hi to you. God, I’m so sorry. Who are you?“ Isa asked, bending down to be at level with the little girl, a gentle smile on her lips.

„Lotte.“ His sister briefly replied, not yet convinced what to think about the two strangers picking them up from an unfamiliar station in an unfamiliar city.

„Honestly Lucas, we sent you off not even two month ago to finish school and support your mom, and now you come back with a boyfriend and a child. What happened?“

„Shut up.“ Lucas laughed at Isa, who was barely able to get through with her accusation, immediately falling into a fit of giggles, as she failed to look even a little serious.

„She is my little sister. And we are super grateful that you let us all stay over.“ Jens helped to explain an eight year old joining them on the trip, when neither his boyfriend nor the girl next to him were able to get a word out.

It took them a whole other minute to finally calm down enough to reply.

„Very much welcome. I’m so glad you do, because I have tons of questions now. I don’t think I could let you go anywhere else but my place.“ Isa declared.

„Oh no. This is Robbe and Sander all over again.“ Jens sighed defeated, Lucas continued to laugh, this time at him, while his two dutch friends looked rather puzzled at the dropped names. So his boyfriend simply waved them off, when Jens was trying hard not to be reminded of the hours long interview he had to endure by his own best friend and Sander two weeks ago.

„Ignore him.“ Lucas said, patting Jens’s shoulder. Not much of a comfort. Jens just wasn’t that comfortable to talk about it. But Lucas was happy and excited, so he wouldn’t keep it from him to explain everything his boyfriend wanted to.

„Well, let’s get going then.“ Kes announced, pulling Lucas closer, with an arm draped over his best friend’s shoulders, as the group began to move. Isa and Lotte sort of quickly caught up in their own little get-to-kow-each-other, leaving Jens to follow and feel contented to watch the two couples infront of him. 

Kes leaned in laughing at something Lucas had told him.

„I can’t believe I never noticed. Fuck, Luc.“

# End of week 6

(Flashed Junk Mind by Milky Chance)

* * *

_This week was definitely a little shorter, sorry for that_ 🙃 _I hope you still enjoyed reading it and that I will all have you back next week._

_At least the made it to Utrecht now and Luc was able to come out and everything, which was something I definitely wanted to happen as well rather soonish. Lucas always was the most settled and confident Isak in my eyes. Not sure if you'd agree, but that's my take._

_Oh and another song by Milky Chance, honestly I love them so much and they are German, believe it or not._  
  
_Thank you for reading! Big love to anyone giving my story some of their precious time_ ❤️


	7. Walking On A Dream - Week 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week 7 😊
> 
> A big shoutout to my beloved @odi-et-amo85 on tumbler. My dearest reader turned friend over the last couple of weeks, who was so kind to put together the two clips on Saturday (20:02 and 20:58) of our two boys exploring the city, as she lives in Utrecht 🥰
> 
> She basically has written these two clips on her own, I used it’s complete structure, just rewriting parts that felt odd to me or the way I view the boys, how they would react or talk to each other. Obviously to also have it coherent to all my other clips. I hope it doesn’t stray to far from them.
> 
> lastly for the clip Saturday 20:02
> 
> TW: mentioning of historic gay prosecution

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Walking On A Dream - Week 7

### Dec 5th, Saturday 00:49

„We should really head to bed, if you want to do the big city tour tomorrow.“ Isa said, as she yawned, leaning on Kes’s shoulder next to her.

They all sat on her bed, Lotte sleeping for at last two hours now, not caring about them talking and laughing. His sister was practically dead, her head heavy resting in his lap, as he watched her breathing calmly every once in a while. Just to make sure. The room was only lit by fairylights, giving it a very cosy and even Christmasy feeling. Jens liked the house and he really enjoyed Isa’s and Kes’s company. They were funny and just smiling a lot in general. They were very easy to talk to.

„Good idea. How are we doing this?“

Lucas was looking rather tired himself, having talked his friends through the last two weeks since he had been here. Oh and everything regarding Jens that he hadn’t brought up on the other visit obviously. Except from his mother and Lucas basically living at his place til she would be back home. Jens was relieved to not have to talk about that. 

„I thought you could just stay here and take my room. And me and Kes head over to my mom’s, if that’s enough space for you three.“ Isa suggested, finishing the bag of crisps Jens had presented her earlier with, the biggest grin on his face. Until Lucas had harshly dug his elbow in his side and told her, that it was just a nice gesture and impolite to arrive empty handed.

Jens still thought it was hilarious, his boyfriend didn’t really agreed on that unfortunately.

„Sure. Perfect. Could I just head down to the kitchen? I’ve brought a little something for Lotte and some sweets, that I’d like to let her find in the morning.“

„Oh, that’s so cute. Honestly if Lucas wouldn’t date you, I would. Without question.“

Isa really always just said exactly what was on her mind, Jens believed. Which was confusing sometimes, but definitely amusing at any other time. She winked at Jens, who did as well in return to agree. She was cute. Lucas shaking his head, the smile clear on his lips, that he didn’t minded them being goofy.

„I’ll go down with you, I need something to drink anyways.“ Kes declared as he got up. Definitely having been quieter himself all evening, just like Jens. The other two had been talking for hours straight, without any need of input or acknowledgement. It was absolutely fine with Jens, who simply been busy to listen and make sense of half of their conversation. Too many places and names he didn’t know. Only the parts of Lucas in Antwerp were clear to follow. Jens suspected it being the other way around for Kes.

„I’ll get Lotte ready.“

Jens didn’t even had to ask Lucas, the boy already gently shaking Lotte awake, to get her to change into her sleeping clothes. Isa was gushing over them at the whole situation, as she watched them helping Lotte up.

Jens followed the two dutch friends out, Isa turning to get to her mom’s room, while Jens managed to remind himself to take his bag with him. Before he would notice downstairs that he would need the sweets and present in order to get them arranged on the table.

„I haven’t seen him that happy in a long time.“

Jens turned his head towards Kes, standing next to him, as he opened his bag. He wasn’t sure what to answer. He didn’t had to either, as the other boy continued on his own.

„I’m still getting used to this, but I’m glad that he found someone like you. You are a cool guy, man.“

Kes bumbed his fist lightly against Jen’s shoulder, who just nodded faintly at the compliment. Jens definitely hadn’t expected that. He was happy to be told that by Lucas’s best friend, as much as he was uncomfortable being told that by Lucas’s best friend.

„Thanks, I guess. You are not bad yourself.“

Sometimes it was easier to hide insecurities behind a joke. 

Kes definitely understood, grinning widely, before he excused himself to get a glass of water from the kitchen, leaving Jens to unpack everything he had brought for his little sister.

### Dec 5th, Saturday 09:15

„Shh, the others are still sleeping.“

Jens reminded his sister, as the three of them had headed downstairs, already up for a little while by Lotte jolting them both awake half an hour earlier.By now she had lost any patience in staying in bed longer. 

Either she had seen Jens pack the present at home, or she eagle-eyed the things on the table as soon as they came into view. Because she promptly jumped down the last three steps, without batting an eye. A loud thud echoing through the hallway and then feet running over to said table, not any less noisy. Jens sighed deeply, having tried in vain to keep his sister quiet.He could only hope that the two upstairs were deep sleepers.

„Uh, what you’ve got there?“ Lucas asked, while he pretended to be clueless himself as he walked up to Lotte, his fingers quick to steal one of the chocolate bars right next to the present. Just affirming Jens’s hunch to bring a lot of chsirtmas sweets.

His sister was quick to take the little box, ripping the wrapping paper right off in her excitment. Perhaps Lotte hadn’t expected to recieve something on the trip and Jens actually had managed to surprise her.

She inhaled and paused, gaping at the pack of coloured pencils in her hand. Lotte knew exactly that they were the ones Sander used. She turned her head quikly to look up at Jens, who smiled back at her pleased. Way too happy to see his sister stunned. It also meant she was actually silent for a moment.

It didn’t last long though, as she ran up to wrap her arms around him, her head pressed into the fabric of his sweater.

„Thank you! Thank you. Thank you.“ She exclaimed overwhelmed, stepping back again fast, her eyes scanning the room for something. Jens wasn’t sure what she was looking for, trying to figure it out,

Lucas was faster, apparently understanding perfectly well.

„Paper?“ He proposed, holding up a sketch book. From wherever his boyfriend had got it, Jens didn’t know. He was just happy that Lucas did, as the older boy had completely forgotten to bring one.

„Yes. You are the best, Luc.“ Lotte confirmed, walking back to the table, taking a seat to make immediate use of her new drawing supplies, the old ones forgotten already it looked like. Good because these ones were fucking expensive.

Lucas took the seat next to her, placing the block infront of his sister, while grabbing a little chocolate snowman. Jens suspected strongly that it was the only reason his boyfriend had sat down as well.

„I suppose we wait with breakfast for a bit, but do you know a backery close by? I could get some bread rolls or something.“ Jens asked, pulling out his phone to open maps and let Lucas show him where to go if he had an idea in mind.

They probably still had quite some time to pass until Isa and Kes would join them. The night hadn’t been that long and Lucas had warned him that his best friend really loved to sleep in on weekends. At least he could get something for Lotte. Just in case she would grow hungry and impatient. He didn’t know the house and wasn’t sure how Lucas’s best friend would react, if she found them rummaging through the kitchen. He knew he wouldn’t really like that, so that was out of question.

„Of course.“ Lucas replied, taking the phone from Jens to zoom in on the neighboorhood, pointing at a place not far from here. „They are quite good.“

Marking it down, Jens kissed his boyfriend, taking advantage of the fact that Lotte was too absorbed in her drawing to notice or care. He pecked like three more kisses across his boyfriend’s face, anywhere he could manage to really, without looking, before he straightened his back again.

„Always kissing goodbye.“ Jens stated with a wink, as it was their usual ritual, when he left to bring his sister to school.

Lucas nodded pleased, approving of the older boy’s words, as jens went to get dressed to actually get going, leaving the two to raid the sweets and draw.

### Dec 5th, Saturday 20:02

Jens and Lucas had been wandering the city for hours now, the sun had already set, leaving the couple to explore the streets and buildings in the dark. Jens actually liked it a lot with all the lights illuminating the city. 

„And there you have it, the Dom square. The fancy building in the corner is the _Academiegebouw_ , where university students have their graduation,” His boyfriend next to him explained.

At this point Jens was simply astounded by all of the churches, houses, and _grachten_ they had passed. But most of all, by Lucas’s seemingly effortless stories about each and every one of those places. 

They had started in _Lepelenburg_ , a park near Isa’s house. Jens still wondering what spoons had to do with a park, but apparently _Lepelenburg_ was the name of an old stronghold that had been used to be there between the 16th and 19th century. They had then continued to pass through the _Herenstraat_ , which seemed oddly appropriate to Jens, onto the _Nieuwegracht_ , until they encountered a large sculpture that stood there kind of randomly. 

„This is the first and only Dutch pope, Adrian VI,” Lucas recollected pointing towards it. The building behind the sculpture turned out to be his house, although he had never lived there. Jens didn’t quite get it, but Lucas had so much fun on his little tour, he gladly smiled and nodded along.

When the two boys passed through a tiny, cramped street called _Achter de Dom_ , Jens had finally asked his boyfriend, what the big deal was with weird street names in Utrecht. Only to have Lucas grin back at him, for once giving now explanation. 

After circling around the impressive building, they faced head on, they came to a halt.

„So, this is the Church of Saint Martin or the Dom church, the most important church of Utrecht.”

„It looks weird.” Jens proclaimed bluntly, tilting his head at the cathedral. It looked french.

The church consisted of a pretty large building and an oddly placed tall tower, divided by an enormous square. Jens couldn’tquite make sense of what he saw infront of him. Who would build something like this?

„Yeah, fair enough. However there is a reason. On the 1st of August in 1674, the city was caught in an extraordinary storm. So severe, that it caused a tornado in Utrecht. I know, sounds unreal. But that tornado destroyed a lot of buildings around the city centre. One of these was the nave, uh the middle part, of the church, but weirdly enough the tower stayed upright...”

„But why not just rebuild it? This looks a bit dumb now, doesn’t it?” Jens interrupted the younger boy, wrapping his arms around Lucas’s middle, to rest his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. It was a mystery to him, how Lucas wasn’t exhausted by now. Still finding the energy and a voice to continue.

„I was getting to that part, patience’s a virtue,” Lucas said with a cheeky grin, gently tapping his head against Jens’s. “Well, for a really long time the city just didn’t have the money to restore it. Actually, Utrecht was so broke at the time that all of the rubble just stayed there.”

Jens regarded the building again, speechless by the sheer amount of knowledge his boyfriend proved to have. How did Lucas manage to keep all this stuff in his brain, when Jens had trouble to remember where they started the tour today already? 

The younger boy hadn’t lied about having an exceptional memory.

„Therefore it just became too expensive to rebuild the entire nave, so they simply added the other extensions instead. At the time though when the rubble and ruin still stood, the church had become a popular place for people to meet up. And that reminds me!”

Lucas briskly made his way to another side of the square with Jens tailing along. He first noticed the enormous sculpture of a woman holding a torch. Supposedly the freedom monument that commemorated the Second World War, Lucas informed him as they passed it. Just before the younger boy pointed to a smaller monument. A single tile so ordinary, one could almost overlook it. 

Curious Jens leaned over it, having trouble to read the inscription in the dark of the evening.

„This is...” Lucas began, but paused right away again for a moment. Rather uncharastically for the younger boy, which caused Jens to look back up at him worried. But Lucas continued, his eyes strangly transfixed on the tile to their feet.

“This is the gay monument.“ He huffed. „It commemorates a very specific case of gay persecution. It’s pretty gruesome actually. You may remember the rubble by the dome that I had just told you about, where people would often gather? Well in 1730, the city’s authorities got complaints from the tower guard about men who were meeting each other there. Men like us. They prosecuted them, calling it sodomy...”

Jens wasn’t looking at the monument any longer, as he noticed his boyfriend halting mid-sentence. Instead he watched Lucas become more subdued, quieter as he went on, but with a need to speak, so the older boy let him.

„They arrested eighteen men, and after questioning them,“ The last two words bitter on his tounge, as Lucas wrinkled his nose and swallowed. „Two of them confessed. I can’t imagine what this must have felt like. In the end, all eighteen were put to death.” Lucas faltered even more at this point and it took a long moment for him to be able to conclude. „Only in 1999 had they erected this monument to remind people of what had happened. They put flowers here every year to remember.” 

Lucas’s eyes were glistening in the dim warm light of the few streetlamps burning around them, close to tears, not yet crying. The Dom square looked so quiet and peaceful, it was hard not to see the beauty in it, in stark contrast to the things his boyfriend had just said.

Jens never had thought much about it before. Perhaps ignorant in his presumed privilage to that part of the history, while Lucas must have learned about this years ago, in his own struggle to make peace with his sexuality. Jens didn’t even know if they had any equivalent in Antwerp to this monument here, wondering if Robbe would be able to tell instead.

But for now he gently took hold of Lucas’s hand, their fingers tightly intertwined as Jens pulled him into a hug. Determined to wait in silence until his boyfriend would feel better again, even if it took the whole night. He pecked a kiss on Lucas’s temple, letting his lips rest against the cold skin, just in spite of history really, as Jens leaned his head on his boyfriends, swaying them lightly on the spot.

### Dec 5th, Saturday 20:58

Eventually, the two boys continued their walk.

Lucas gradually falling back into his tour guide persona, after they had left the square without speaking. They were still holding hands as crossed the _Oudegracht_. A name that made sense to Jens for once, since there was a “new one“ too. And straight ahead they passed the Dutch Conservatorium, a music school as Jens was infromed, where a girl called Janna had apperantly enrolled. 

The two boys ended up at a crossroads. 

„If you look there to your right,” Lucas said gesturing off into said direction, „there is our new pride and joy. The _Hoog_ _Catharijne_ shopping centre. Doesn’t it look beautiful?” 

Jens didn’t see the point in why he was shown this specifically by his boyfriend, thus looking first at it and then puzzled back to Lucas. Yes, okay, the building looked really cool, but overall, it was just another modern building to him. He also had seen parts of it when they had arrived yesterday.

„I only see one beautiful thing here.” Jens therefore muttered, unable to keep the amused little smirk from tugging at the corner of his lips.

„You are an idiot.“ Lucas snorted. „Cute, but an idiot. It’s just that the old shopping centre was dead ugly, that this is much much better for everyone’s eyes.“ He explained grinning at Jens, who nodded in his pretended astonishment. Lucas nudged him, laughing, before he turned his attention towards the next stop on his agenda. 

„Anyway, do you see the water over there? The _singel_?!” Lucas sounded really elated about this one, Jens following his gaze.

„Yes, dear, I do.” Jens said still caught up in his act, clueless about what not having a relationship had to do with the name of the stream. 

„The _singel_ is the canal around Utrecht’s city center. It flows continuously again. There used to be a highway before.”

„What?” Jens exclaimed very eloquently, trying to imagine a highway at the spot he was looking at, which definitely was hard to do, given the pretty stream of water he saw.

“Yeah, right here. Parts of the _singel_ had to be drained in order to build it. But of course, after a decade or three, the authorities realised it wasn’t a very good idea to have done to begin with. So like ten years ago, the council decided to reinstate the _singel_ as it was. And now it’s finished. Isa told me about it, but it’s even better than she said.”

All in all, it looked very lovely. Though he felt incredibly happy about how excited Lucas looked as he told him about it. It was adorable, honestly.

Jens and Lucas carried on their walk by the long stream of water under line of plane trees. They should come back in summer, when the green would engluf the little path they took, instead of the black branches stretching above their heads. Jens was all caught up in the moment, enjoying his handsome boyfriend at his side, coming to a stop every couple of steps to kiss.

Unfortunately Lucas’s mobile phone went off soon after by Isa calling, interrupting them as the stood in an embrace hidden in a shadow of a larger tree. He picked up swiftly and switched to speaker, so Jens could listen in.

“Hey Ies.”

“Hee Luc, it’s getting pretty late. Are you guys okay? Have you already forgotten the city you were from and got lost?”

They both checked the time in the upper corner. Isa wasn’t lying as it was close to nine fourtyfive already. Oops.

“No, no. We’re just enjoying the sights of Utrecht.” Lucas replied, Jens whispering an amused „and us“ under his breath. His boyfriend only nudging him into silence, not smirking any less than Jens.

“Ah, behaving like silly tourists I reckon?” She asked, being mostly right about her assumption.

Though now, Jens got a bit worried as a thought caught his attention. Isa wouldn’t call for no reason, as they hadn’t fixed a time on when to be back. And she had been all alone with Lotte since the two boys had left her this early afternoon. Kes heading back to his place. Maybe something was wrong?

“Isa?” Jens asked, suddenly alarmed. “Is everything okay with Lotte? Is she still awake? Did she brush her teeth? She’s not bothering you too much right? Because if she is, I’ll talk to her and...”

“Jens, Jens! I may have a few loose screws, but I’m _niet van Lotje getikt_!”

Isa quickly broke him off, before he could go on in his endless thoughts about all the things that could be happening.

Jens’s baffled face and instant silence, while trying to figure out what Isa had told him in her dutch accent, gained him loud giggles from both Lucas and Isa. 

„It’s all good.” his boyfriend said calmingly. Jens felt very much reliefed. „She said she may be a bit peculiar at times, but she’s not an idiot”

„ Yes,” Isa confirmed, still an undoubtful amusement swinging in her voice. „It’s all good. We watched The Polar Express, painted our nails, and ate an abundance of _choco_ - _pepernoten_. And by nine o’clock, Little Miss Sunshine was sound asleep. So will you both come home now, I’ll even put the kettle on for tea.”

The two boys looking at each other, nodding in agreement. The prospect of cuddeling up on the sofa under a blanket with a cup of tea sounded like heaven, after hours in the cold.

“I hope you left some _pepernoten_ for us, Ies.“ His boyfriend teased in his warning. 

„We’re on our way now from the _singel_. See you soon. Bye.” Lucas said, and promptly hung up the phone. He nodded towards the path again, leading seemingly back to Isa, as the younger boy pulled him along.

To have come here had been a brilliant idea. Jens felt so much at ease, being away from Antwerp and his home. Simply able to raom the streets with Lucas, he already dreaded tomorrow evening, when they had to go back to Antwerp again.

For now though, he would just enjoy the happieness he felt, watching his utterly genius boyfriend think of something else he knew about Utrecht to tell Jens.

### Dec 6th, Sunday 11:13

„Oh, wait here!“

Isa stood on the last step of the stairs, Jens almost running into her, as she whipped around unconcerned by the three people behind her stopped in their tracks.

„I want to go in first. I need to see everyones reaction up close.“ She grinned. „Preferably with a camera pointed at them. I hope they aren’t boring.“ The girl exclaimed cheerfully, Lucas snorting next to him.

„Sure, go ahead, I guess.“ Jens gave her the consent for the single reason that he really liked her. They had talked so much more yesterday over tea. And though she was a bit weird at times, she was just full of live and always giggling about something.

„Thank you! “

„Can I go with you?“ Lotte asked with puppy eyes, looking up at the older girl. The two of them had really bonded over the last day, apparently they had found each other’s similar love for food. Or maybe she just didn’t wanted to be ignored again, like on friday. Very plausible in Jens‘s eyes.

Isa nodded immediately, with a big smile on her face, reprocreated by his sister in turn.

„When Lotte and me are in, you two can come over as well.“

It was decided apparently by Isa without time for questions, as she took Lotte’s hand and vanished around the corner and down the balcony leading to the different apartments.

„Just to give you a heads up. My friends don’t have a Robbe or Sander, so I’m not sure how they’d react. They can be a lot. But everyone is cool with Ralph. Still I apologise in advance.“

Jens shut his boyfriend off with a kiss, his expression being one of ease hopefully did enough to take some Lucas‘s nervousness.

He had a big group of friends as well, he could handle it.

Isa and Lotte were loudly greeted by whoever was at the door. His sister happily introducing herself withoit a word why she was with Isa. Who continued to simply tell the person to wait and see.

Lucas cautiously stuck his head around the corner by the stairs to get a better view and then pulled Jens over to the still open door of the apartment.

Here they‘d go.

A young man with strikingly bleached hair stood in the hallway, smiling brightly at them with a friendly greeting on his lip, until he noticed them holding hands. That was the exact moment his face lit up in exorbitant wonder, like a child in disneyland.

„I’m Ralph.“ The man simply said after he noticed that it might become a bit awkward to stand silently in the entrance. Nonetheless still gleefully facsinated by the whole situation. „Come on in.“

So this was the guy Isa had been talking about, the one Lucas texted. Jens questioned if his boyfriend actually had a type. With Kes he could see a resemblance, with Ralph not so much.

„Thank you. Jens, by the way.“ He introduced himself, having caught up with his thoughts.

And then he questioned if he should stop taking things so lightly.

Because when they entered the flat and Jens suddenly was aware of the sheer amount of voices reaching them, it definitely was something else entirely. At least he knew now, how it probably must have felt like for anyone new, like Maxime or Lucas, to join his group.

„Stop. No.“

He heard Lucas telling off the older guy behind him, giggling at something Jens hadn’t caught, too busy slipping out of his coat in order to hang it with all the others. Jens was about to ask Lucas about it. But instead he was pushed into the doorway leading to the livingroom, completely packed by people lounging on the sofas and occupying the floor. Suddenly a dozen pairs of eyes looking at him.

He noted Kes sitting on a sofa askew to the door, next to another boy and now joined on his other side by Lotte nd Isa, who actually had her phone out.

„Hello, everyone. Uhm, my name is Jens, I’m Lotte’s brother.“ He pointed towards her as he went on. „And I’ll probably forget half of your names instantly. So sorry for that already.“

„He forgot to say that he is also my boyfriend.“ Lucas added, a bit quieter, having swallowed down any doubt he may have had before. This boy was so brave. Jens could only hope to sound or look as casual, once the situation would arise in his group.

There was a pause. Half of the faces stunned in amazed wonder, the others in shocked confusion.

In between them a table packed to the brim by all sorts of breakfast variations. Eggs in any firm and shape, grilled sausages and vegetables, salads, bread and much more.

One girl though, sitting on the second sofa across the room, with similar brown curly hair, just a bit darker, squeaked. Til now she had been cuddled against the side of a boy, who she practically hit straight acoss the chest, before getting up. The poor boy left to rub the spot through his shirt, his face somewhere between amusement and pain.

„I’m so happy for you.“ She declared as she walked up to them and took first Lucas and then also Jens into her arms for a hug. This girl was apperently Liv. The second mysterious person knowing about Lucas beforehand.

„You are all boring.“ Isa said disappointed, putting her phone back down.

„Wait. This isn’t a joke?“ A boy next to Kes suddenly announced in his realisation, his grin falling from his lips, to land on some complicated emotion, Jens wasn’t quite able to pinpoint exactly. It looked rather grossed out. Which would be a first and certainly didn’t feel great to receive.

Turning his head to make sure, his boyfriend was okay, as it was his friend, he only found Lucas rolling back his eyes, sighing annoyed. So maybe he had expected it? 

Jens didn’t quite get it.

„No. It’s not a joke, Jayden.“

„Damn I had been right not to share a bed with you.“ The boy huffed a laugh next to Kes, who without hesitation smacked him across the back of his head. Hard and merciless. Everyone seemed to agree with a lack for sympathy, and that Jayden had brought it apon himself deservedly so.

„Nah, Luc. This is just fucking wierd. But I’m living with Ralph, I get to see random naked men’s asses at least twice a month. So it’s alright. Still, I don’t get it.“

„So Lucas is gay?“ Suddenly, out of nowhere a flimsy voice exclaimed, everyone’s attention turning towards a blond petite looking girl sitting on the floor, with big Bambi eyes.

„Yes Engel., looks like it“ A girl next to her with a Bandana and red coloured hair confirmed, laughing at her friend as she patted the blonde head, who’s whole expression turned from confusion to excitment.

„That’s so cool! I always wanted a gay best friend.“

„Engel.“

The combined reply of all of Lucas’s friends echoed through the flat.

„Hello, I was here before?!“ The hurt in pretence broke through, everyone watching Ralph, who looked back at the girl on the floor accusatory, before laughter filled the room.

All of them welcoming the two boys to join them around the table and finally starting to eat. The girl called Esra immediately pouring everyone tea and coffee.

Jens was a but lost at how quick everyone was talking and joking. The topic of Jens bring Lucas‘s boyfriend accepted and forgotten, treated as an everyday thing.

### Dec 6th, Sunday 17:45

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636772111261843457/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Dec 6th, Sunday 21:20

Jens was just watching the dark landscape outside, passing him by as they took the train back home.

It was pitch black between scarse lights of single streets and houses every once in a while. 

Lucas sat next to him, busy on his phone. While Lotte across of them had bundled up all their jackets to rest her head against the window and find some sleep after the long day. It was already past her bedtime. Perhaps they should have booked a train sooner. This one had just been a bit cheaper. Still, next time he should take it into consideration.

For a while he had simply texted back and forth with Robbe, sending him some pictures he had taken, though there weren’t many. Mainly just some from today. 

The late breakfast at the flatshare had been a lot of fun and Jens really had enjoyed the odd group of people. He did even warm up slightly to Jayden at the end, after the first impression had been rather inauspicious. But Jayden also had reminded him of Moyo, and his friend had definitely come around at some point. The others however were very unbothered by the whole affair. Instead Jens was immediately accepted into the group, and Lucas tried his best to give him all the information he needed to follow their conversations.

Lotte had been fine as well, only having found herself confused by the one boy wearing nailpolish, who’s name Jens just couldn’t recall at the moment. The boy though hadn’t minded, and instead Liv and him had grouped up with Isa and his little sister, to grab some nailpolish and paint each other’s hands. That was definitely a first for Jens to see. Yet again though, no one seemed to care really, only jokingly acknowledging them. Apparently he was the boy the whole school had been crazy over. 

He had been ripped out of his mind, by Lucas taking his hand. And as Jens turned to see why, Lucas already had taken a photo with his phone, shocked to have been caught in action.

„Okay.“ Jens simply said, smirking bewildred at his boyfriend, him blushing faintly.

„Sorry, I had thought you were sleeping as well.“

That didn’t really explained it, but his curiousity definitly was growing.

„So can I know why?“ Jens asked, tilting his hand, not letting Lucas withdraw his hand. Even if his boyfriend didn’t showed the slightest inclination to do so.

„The photo isn’t good anyway. It’s too dark and blurry and...“

„What kind of answer is that supposed to be?“ Jens grinned, amused by his boyfriend trying to bluff himself out of this situation. Which obviously wasn’t gonna work. But then Jens remembered something from a conversation with his mom weeks ago.

„It’s for your insta, right? The private one?“

Lucas looked at Jens flabbergasted, quickly lowering his gaze down to his phone in his free hand.

„How do you know about that?“ The younger boy asked quietly, certainly surprised that Jens would know about that.

„My mom told me about the photo you took of her one morning in the kitchen. Do you have more? Wait! Did you take more of me, or even us?“ Now Jens really wanted to see this mysterious account. Especially after Lucas had only smirked in response. 

„Okay. But no, I don’t upload a lot there, it’s really just for me and no one else. Also I have no photos of us on there.“

„Yet. We should definitely change that then.“ Jens incited Lucas cheerfully to follow his advice.

„The picture really sucks though.“ Lucas sighed, as he showed it to Jens on his camera roll. Admittely his boyfriend was right. But right now he only wanted to encourage Lucas to show him whatever was on there. Perhaps also to have him upload something of them together. Was that a bit too cheesy? Quite probably, yes.

„I don’t mind if it’s shit. Just post it and let me follow you, please?“

„I hate you.“ His boyfriend declared as he opened the app and tapped the screen to create a new post.

Jens was more than pleased with himself, fishing for his own phone from his jeans’s pocket.

### Dec 6th, Sunday 21:28

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/636786122778918912/dec-6th-sunday-2128)

### Dec 7th, Monday 16:04

The cold caught quickly up to him as Jens stepped outside of the school building with Aaron, Amber and Zoë. 

It was already getting dark again, thick grey clouds haning above them since he had left his house this morning. The weather was fittingly depressing as Jens finished his first real day back at school. They still had to wear masks and keep distances, but that was really it. Classes were back and gone was lunging comfortably at home in bed.

He tugged his scarf a little tighter as the group headed for the gate.

„Why do we even have to get graded in art class?“ Aaron whined next to Jens, his hands in his pockets, looking rather distraught.

„What did you hand in?“ Amber glanced back at them over her shoulder, til now having been busy in a conversation with Zoë that Jens hadn’t bothered to pay attention to.

„Honestly I’m not really sure, I drew something before i went to bed yesterday and thought it might be for the best not to look at it again this morning.“ Aaron sounded devestated.

It was very him to do, all of them knew, it still make Zoë snort into her big scarf covering the bottom half of her face.

„I’ll still love you.“ Amber promised, not less amused than the girl to her right, blowing a kiss at Aaron, while giggling herself. Aaron did smirk back at her. This dork was so much in love with his girlfriend.

„Aww.“ Zoe was enjoying this wholeheartedly.

Jens just followed along in silence, already trying to figure out when the bus would leave.

„Finally! I’m fucking freezing.“ 

The little group of for stopped, visibly startled as Lucas suddenly appeared infront of them, just when they had stepped onto the street past the gate. He hold two steaming paper cups in his hands, pressing one of them into Jens’s hands, who automatically went to grab it without much thought.

„Didn’t I text you to already go like an hours ago, I have to pick up Lotte anyway.“ Jens replied, simultaneosly aware and oblivious to his friends around them. Which shoulden’t be possible, but somehow was.

Lucas shrugged, smiling instead.

„Thought we could do that together on the way.“

Jens took a cautious sip, very pleased to find it being a chai tea. Not that it was his absolute favourite type of warm drink. But when they had gotten them this weekend in Utrecht, Jens had told his boyfriend that he almost had forgotten how much he enjoyed chai in winter. Especially around christmas time.

This boy was so goddamn attentive, Jens felt almost bad in his inability to be the same. 

„You were waiting a whole hour for Jens? Are you going over to his again?“ Aaron asked. The girls’s curiousity instantly piqued.

„That was the idea. I was also too lazy to go home inbetween.“ Lucas casually replied, drinking his own tea and greeting Zoë, who he hadn’t seen today in classes. Jens would almost believe his boyfriend himself. I it wouldn’t be for his knowledge that the spare housekey was in Lucas’s pocket since lunch. When Jens had given it too Lucas. Exactly for the reason to not have his boyfriend wait on him to be done.

„Nice. What are your plans? Maybe we could text Robbe and Moyo and do something together.“ Aaron excitedly suggested, pulling his phone from his bag, as Jens and Lucas threw a glance at each other. The two boys working their brains each, in order to find something to say and excuse themselves from that very lovely offer. 

Their plan for today had simply been for Jens to go grocery shopping and stock up their kitchen after a weekend spent away, as well as to get a new pan. The big one they had was old and scratched, and Jens for the life of it couldn’t understand how his mother had just continued to use it til now, despite everything sticking to it. It drove him crazy. Lucas therefore had offered to stay with Lotte and help her with her homework.

So in actuality it was a very boring and unusual evening ahead of them.

Before they were expected to give any kind of answer though, furtunately Amber decided to look over at her boyfriend, a little pissed at his confusion in return.

„I thought you wanted to come over to mine for family dinner today? I already told my parents about it last friday.“ 

Not that Jens had no sympathies for his friend in this situation, he himself had more than once forgotten about similar dates before. Worse he had in fact stood up Jana that one time in a very similar way. But right now Jens was just relieved not to need to make something up.

„Well, whatever you are deciding on here. I have to go. And before I forget as well, will you guys have time to join Milan’s little birthday party on saturday?“

„Definitely.“ Jens declared confidently, followed by strong nods and thumbs up from the other three in their group.

„Perfect, see you tomorrow.“

She waved them goodbye, as the girl already hurried over to the bus, the one that had just come to a stop, a handgul of students huddled around to try to get on it.

„We should probably go too.“ Lucas reminded Jens, presenting him with the time shown on the screen of his phone.

„We gonna meet up soon, yeah?“ Jens therefore quickly promised to Aaron with an encouraging smile. Because his friend looked a little saddened over the fact that it was somehow getting harder and harder for the broerrrs to find time. Of course there was the whole Corona situation and his mother’s fucking illness, but also all of them getting into more serious relationships. Jens only being the newst addition, even if not officially yet. „Next time, for sure.“

Aaron agreed half-heartedly, as Amber hugged them goodbye, before the two boys left as well.

Jens immediately stealing the cup from Lucas to see what his boyfriend had gotten, as soon as they turned the corner on their way towards the bus that would take them to Lotte’s school.

He instantly regretted it, wrinkling his nose, while pushing the cup back into the hands of his laughing boyfriend.

„Unsweetened green tea? Really, Luc, really?“

### Dec 8th, Tuesday 19:37

„Lotte, dinner!“

Fast feet were audibly tapping across the upper floor and then descending the stairs, the last two steps being jumped down with a loud thud. Incredible how a tiny body could be that loud. His sister immediately took a her usual seat, kneeling on it, as she leaned over the table. The one Jens had just set. Her big eyes impatiently examining the steaming pots in it’s center.

Jens actually had to remind her to sit down properly, before both of them started to fill their plates and began to eat, music from his phone left in the kitchen filled the silence bettween the two siblings.

Jens had finished half of his plate, when Lotte’s voice reached out for his attention.

„Where is Lucas?“, was the first question she had asked today as much as Jens could recall. Really it was one of the only things she had said today, since they had come home after her piano class and Lotte had darted up to her room.

„Home with his mom.“ Jens briefly replied between bites. He was pretty sure they had brought it up yesterday at dinner. Which was the reason Jens was a bit startled by the question in the first place.

„Is he gonna be gone long?“ Lotte continued, after gulped down a perticular big bite. Geez, was this child starved or something? Perhaps he should have hurried a bit more in his preperation.

„He said he’d be back tomorrow. Why?“

His sister shrugged at his response, and for a second Jens believed that had been it.

„I like when he is here.“ She continued though, rather soft-spoken as her fork scratched across the emoty part of her plate.

„Me too.“ Jens smiled at her. He really did, didn’t he? It was just nice to have someone to talk to after the day was done. Someone that wasn’t eight years old. And with his mom not being around, he actually realised how nice it was to have. „But with next week, he’ll probably be over a little less again.“

„That sucks.“ Lotte put it quite bluntly. Jens didn’t even admonished his sister about her tone or choice of words. He agreed.

„It does?“ Jens inquired cautiously instead, putting his own fork down to concentrate on her instead. The dinner wasn’t as important any longer.

„Yes, can’t he live here? He stays over in your room anyway.“

Jens suddenly got very uncomfortable with the direction this conversation took. His sister knew Lucas even for a lesser amounter of time than him. She shouldn’t get attached and used to his boyfriend being around that quickly, but then Lucas did helped out here and there. He wasn’t just a normal guest, Jens admitted. Lucas even sat down with Lotte to assist her on her homework. 

„No, he can’t. We aren’t together for long yet anyway. And this is much more complicated. It’s just that two weeks are so much different than an indefinite amount of time, you know.“ Jens tried to explain. A bit worried that it may have been a bad idea to have the younger boy around so much. He kinda hadn’t thought about it before. But now.

„Really?“ Lotte followed up, she certainly wasn’t sold on his answer. Oh to be a child again.

„Really.“

His younger sister pursed her lips, deeply in thoughts, while her eyes were randomly darting around the room. It did made him a bit fidgety himself. Jens combed through his hair, scratching his neck, as he was waiting for Lotte to speak up again.

„Okay.“ She merely declared though, visibly dissapointed with the conclusion she had drawn for herself. Without much else, she went back to finish her dinner. Lotte definitely didn’t liked the outcome of their conversation, as she halfheartedly poked some potatoes.

Jens wished he could just tell her that he would let Lucas stay over as long as he wanted to, but it scared him too much to think that it could even be a possibility. Til now every relationship he had was perfectly fine the first couple of month, and then went down fast until it crashed over miscommunications and missunderstandings. Usually at his fault.

It was already bad enough. Not the relationship obviously, that went surprisingly well and incredibly easy so far. But Jens just didn’t needed the added layer of living with Lucas at this stage. People don’t live together that soon in a relationship anyway. 

Well, if one would eliminate his friends proving the opposite. It dawned on Jens that it sort of was exactly what Zoë and Senne, and Robbe and Sander had done. The realisation threw him slightly off. 

They were teenagers for god’s sake, This was probably a bad idea. Why did it work then?

Yes, Zoë and Senne had been broken up, but that only lasted for a couple of weeks until they were back together and apparently happier than ever.

So maybe it wasn’t that uncommon? No, it was. It had to be.

Why was he even thinking about this? This wasn’t even a question right now. He needed to stop these thoughts. There was so much more going on, that he basically would let Lucas decide anyway on what his boyfriend wanted to do. Jens didn’t had the mental energy to start deconstructing their future nor current living situation.

Goddamn. Now both siblings sat listless infront of their plates, barely finishing the cooling food on it, before Lotte went back up to get ready for bed. Jens following suit. He’d clean it up tomorrow.

### Dec 9th, Wednesday 17:41

[(lockscreen)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637043635343540224/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Dec 9th, Wednesday 22:09

He must have read the name in the row next to the subject and the first couple of words of the email’s content for at least fifteen minutes now, as he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

„Hey Jens“

Who does that? Not getting in contact for years and then address the person, his son, with „Hey Jens“?

Fuck. He didn’t know what to think at this point. His feelings were caught somewhere between curiousity and anger and confusion. He had decidedly just ignored the notification over the whole evening, until he had felt that perhaps he had collected enough nerves to pull it up and read. Just to stall now, as he wasn’t assured any longer, his father’s message only one click away.

So Jens sat on the sofa, crossedlegged and wrapped in a blanket. His eyes transfixed on the screen of his laptop on the low table in front of him. He wasn’t even close enough to accidently open the email. Jens couldn’t understand how his father even had gotten his email address. He only used it to sign up to websites and for school, his own and Lotte’s. His father most definitely hadn’t recieved it from Jens. Which made it all worse.

He inhaled deeply and breathed out slow, dragged out, clearly frustrated over the whole situation.

And that was how Lucas found him.

The younger boy had taken a shower and changed into his sleeping clothes, now very eagerly cuddeling up to Jens, pulling the blanket away, to nestle next to his boyfriend. The blanket now tightly tugged around both of them.

„What’s up? You look a bit off.“

Jens couldn’t do much else than point at his screen as he stared at it. Lucas immediately following his gesture.

„Who’s that?“ He asked unaware of the older boy’s hesitation, leaning forward.

Jens couldn’t really hold it against Lucas.

„Uhm, my dad.“ He therefore said tilting his head slightly, as if it would somehow change what had already happened hours ago. Jens kinda wished though that the whole email would just disappear again.

„Okay.“ Lucas replied insecure, the word drawn out. „And are we happy about it, or sad, or...?“

Jens actually had to smile at that. This was for some odd reason rather sweet. Lucas asking him how he should feel about the sudden message of Jens’s father, as if Jens could tell his boyfriend how to react to this. Still it felt greatly nice to be considered. Lucas even referring to them both. We. Like he would just adapt whatever Jens thought about it. 

Was that something couples did?

„I don’t know. It irritates me. I want to open it, but I don’t think I can.“

„Mhm, I see.“ Was all that Jens heard his boyfriend utter under his breath, as the two boys were still looking at the screen.

They fell in a brief moment of silence as they pondered about it. At least Jens did. His confidence to get it over with, really hadn’t increased by Lucas next to him. He had assumed that it may would be easier with a person next to him for support. However, perhaps he was wrong in his belief.

„If you’d like, then I could read it and let you now what it says?“ Lucas suggested, leaning his head on Jen’s shoulder, who rested his in return on the younger one’s.

„No, I want to do it on my own.“ Jens decided, suprised by how honest it actually was. No matter how long it would take him to do it. He wouldn’t want another person doing it for him. He needed to see for himself what, and most importantly why, his father had contacted Jens.

He was certain that it had to do with his mother.

And that made it only so much harder.

They sat there for another couple of minutes, before Jens closed the tab, instead opted for Netflix.

„Let’s just watch something.“

### Dec 10th, Thursday 12:18

„We shouldn’t have binged the show til two in the morning.“

Jens had his eyes closed, leaning his forehead against his boyfriends shoulder, who had his arms tightly wrapped around him. The two of them hidden away at the dead end of an empty hallway. Lucas resting his back against a bare white wall.

„For real though.“ Jens replied, yawning while he enjoyed the quiet stolen moment, away from his friends. He loved them dearly. But with Milan’s birthday today, and his little party coming up, as well as the broerrrs’s plan to go finally skating again on sunday, the three other boys were just so damn excited and loud. And it wasn’t just them, the girls having joined the boy group for two days in a row now.

So once they finished their lunch, the couple had excused themselves to pay the toilet a visit. Robbe had only smikred up at them without any comment. Thankfully. The boys promising to meet up with the group again at the classroom for the their dutch test.

It would probably make great sense to get ready to leave, in order to have enough time to arrive and prepare. Jens just didn’t wanted to.

„No.“ He grumbled in discontent when Lucas pushed him away. His boyfriend huffed a laugh. Jens fell right back into the younger boy’s chest.

„Come on, we can’t afford to miss the test.“

Jens obviously knew that Lucas was right about that. Especially if Jens continued to miss a few classes here and there. So at least for the unfortunately important tests he should be present, showing his teachers that Jens was capable of graduating next summer.

Therefore he sighed, straightening himself before he pulled Lucas close to catch him by surprise with a longing kiss. He couldn’t help himself. His hands coming up to cup his boyfriends face.

„For good luck.“ He explained with a grin, once he stepped back a minute later, watching Lucas coming back to himself. 

As soon as he had, the younger boy flipped him off. Not less amused.

„Yeah right.“ Lucas simply said, pecking another kiss on Jens’s lips, before he pulled out his mask from his jean’s pocket, where he had stuffed it earlier.

„Oh right, I thought, maybe you could open the email with Robbe? He knows your dad. Perhaps he could help you figure out what’s going on with him? Sorry that I bring that up now, was probably a dumb thing to do, right before a test.“ 

His boyfriend’s suggestion actually had occured to Jens earlier that day, when Robbe had come up to him infront of the school, hugging his best friend, as he happily chatted away about the coming weekend and their many plans piling up. 

The only difference was that Jens wouldn’t let Robbe read it as well. He hadn’t yet come clean to his best friend about his mother’s and therefore his own situation. Jens was scared that the email would talk about things, that he’d rather tell Robbe about first on his own terms. However, it didn’t made Jens dismiss the whole notion to read it while Robbe would be around. It was a calming thought to have.

„It’s okay. I sort of had the same idea.“ Jens agreed with Lucas, putting on his own mask, when both of them started to get moving. They only had turned one corner and already the halls were getting busier. People passing them, as Jens would have liked to just take his boyfriend’s hand in his.

„Seriously? That’s great. I was so sure I had to force you to agree with me. I had a whole 10-step-plan.“ 

If the two boys wouldn’t have to wear a piece of fabric covering their mouth and nose, Lucas would have been able to see the annoyed pout Jens threw him. Instead he had to be satisfied with him rolling his eyes as grand as possible. Causing Lucas to laugh just as they reached their destination.

„I don’t think I can manage another week of tests.“ Aaron complained with a loud groan audible from the doorway. The poor boy continued right away, while Robbe sympethatically patted his back. „I may as well die. For real tough, I can’t wait for our christmas holiday. Do we actually already have a time set for when we meet at the cabin?“

„Mhm not that I know of. It’s up to each driver really. But I think Senne said, he would plan to be there by six or so.“ Jens provided his friend with the best answer he could. They should probably bring that up on saturday at the party. It was only a week left.

The three boys who hadn’t seen Lucas and him entering the room, suddenly all looked around, startled. Like deer in a headlight.

„Geez, don’t just sneak up on us like that, you creeps.“ Moyo warned with big eyes, nonetheless grinning brightly, as far as his eyes and his moving mask would allow for Jens to interpret his expression.

He was about to hit back with some stupid comment in his defense he’d made up on spot, when their teacher arrived, ordering everyone to find an empty table to sit down at. Single seats only. 

Jens wholeheartedly agreed with Aaron. 

This was exhausting.

### Dec 10th, Thursday 22:53

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637153863727775744/dec-10th-thursday-2253)

### Dec 11th, Friday 16:06

Lotte was getting impatient.

He knew because she had clumsy climbed next to him on the passanger seat, over the middle console from the back. And now she was staring out the window, directly at the entrance of the hospital building. Her nose pressed flat against the increasingly fogged glass, her feet hitting the top of the seat she kneeled on.

Jens hadn’t had the heart to tell her off.

Not after two long weeks of their mother gone and Lotte counting down the days since the very beginning. He wasn’t sure if she understood that at one point she wasn’t going to come back home again.

So Jens watched his little sister quietly, his head resting in his hand, propped up by his elbow on the rim of the window frame to his left.

Their mom had texted him that she may be a couple of minutes late. The last meeting with Dr. Henin had taken a bit longer than expected. It drove him mad not to know if it was meant to be something good or bad. His mother hadn’t replied to that question, still left unread in their chat.

It was already dark outside. Clouds only reinforcing the murky colours after hours of rain. It truly was the perfect setting for the depressing anticipation he felt. 

They didn’t had to wait much longer, when the door opened only to reveal their mother in the blinding lights of the neon sign above the entrance, blended by streetlamps across the parking lot.

Lotte wouldn’t wait for another second, door pushed open. The girl stormed off, not missing a beat, as fast as her feet could carry her. 

Jens followed her example. Slower though, wary of what he would be met with once he reached the couple clinging to each other in a tight embrace.

They had texted daily for the last two weeks. Deliberately leaving out any of his mother’s hospital experiences. The two times they had broken that unspoken rule, it hadn’t been great news. Instead she had apologised for having to stop for the day, as she could no longer sustain her eyes opened against the headache she felt. The second time she had replied that she was so hungry, but every bite she took, just hurt, so all she had done that evening was to drink tea.

Jens didn’t wanted to now about that. He wished she wouldn’t have told him, so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. But he couldn’t tell her that. She was his mom and whom else was she going to talk to other than her doctor and nurses? So he answered with little declarations of love and sympathy. Swallowing down any words to make her stop.

When Jens had finally reached them, his mother looked back up at him, from where she crouched to hug Lotte, a relieved smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

He would have liked to return it, but it got stuck somewhere between the thought of it and his mouth having to act upon said thought.

Perhaps it was just the light, or the fact that they had seen each other last two weeks ago and therefore they never had been apart a longer period of time, to realise how fast she had gotten sicker. But his mom looked pale, and thin and overall not well. It was a somber sentiment to accept as the new normal.

„I do look that bad, huh?“ His mother joked, presenting him with a confidence and strenght that Jens admired and slightly envied. Beause his voice was struggling to stay steady at best.

„No, it’s fine. It were just very long fourteen days, especially with that needy child around.“

„Who? Lotte or Lucas?“

Okay maybe he hadn’t forgotten how to laugh, as his mother looked proud by her own wit. Which had made Jens snort at her, fighting a grin from taking over his face. She definitely understood him better than he did himself sometimes. He had needed this to escape his thoughts. She didn’t even expected an answer, as she hugged him. His arms wrapping around a body, that wasn’t nearly strong enough to hold itself up for long on it’s own, as she leaned into him, when they went back to the car.

„If we are very lucky, Lucas may have prepared some tea for us when we arrive. At least that was what he had offered as we left, texting his friends. I guess, we’ll have to see.“

He definitey should text the younger boy as well, before he started the car. Just to give Lucas a little heads up, in case he was too deeply endulged in his chat

„I am very confident in that boyfriend of yours to keep his word.“ His mother replied, before she looked for a couple of papers in her coat’s pocket. Jens didn’t even had to read them, the printed corner he had glanced at already had told him enough. Prescriptions. Warrenting for a stop at the pharmacy on their way home.

So Jens texted Lucas as planned, and his mom decided to settle in the back seat with Lotte on her left. His sister instantly roped her into a long conversation, mainly consisting of Lotte talking her through every little detail of the last two weeks that came to her mind. Though perhaps she had actually precisely thought about her stories beforehand, as Lotte did without any hesitation or pause.

He actually was glad to have the chatter behind him, the radio very faintly in the background, with his concentration on the roads and crossings infront him, enough to keep his mind comfortably distracted.

# End of week 7

(Walking On A Dream by Empire of the Sun)

* * *

_Not much else to say other than we have next week before christmas full of fluff_ 🙈 _as I plan at least_

_I really hope you enjoyed the clips in Utrecht and that you will continue to follow my story._

_Just to give you an idea of the lenght, I had more than 10 weeks planned, I’ll probably finish this with week 13. I hope you don’t mind me taking longer, but I didn’t wanted hellweek to fall on christmas, so yea_ 😅

_also bonus chapter!_  
  
 _Thank you for sticking around and reading!!_ ❤️


	8. The Fool You Need - Week 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for being back for week 8!
> 
> Little heads up:
> 
> TW: His mom is back at home, so here and there are gonna be instances where her illness is going to be mentioned!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## The Fool You Need - Week 8

### Dec 12th, Saturday 15:25

„Are you sure you are feeling alright?“

„Yes, Lucas, for the one hundredth time.“

„Okay, but if at any point you feel like...“ His boyfriend didn’t even get a chance to finish his sentence. The one that Jens knew exactly the next words that would follow to. Or at least something extremly similar to them.

„Lucas.“ He cut the younger boy off adamant, while his finger pushed the bell. The door swiftly rung open without anyone on the other end asking for whom just arrived. „I’m fine!“

The discussion was over.

And Jens could see Lucas chewing on it for another long moment that it took them to get up the stairs. His boyfriend didn’t believe him and rightfully so. Jens felt like shit this morning. He hadn’t caught much sleep last night, not unlike every other night. But it was just a bad day in general regarding his mental state.

However Jens really needed to get out and be distracted for a while. It was also a birthday party, Jens had to be okay enough not to miss out on his friends celebration.

„Hello!“ Zoë cheerfully greeted the two boys halfway up the last couple of steps, as the door to the flat was pulled back.

There already was a stream of familiar voices reaching them from inside. If they actually wished to surprise Milan when he came back home, the group probably should be quieter. Much quieter.

„Hi! Good to see you. Could you just...?“ Lucas reprocreated the happy smile she threw them, his frown from a minute ago gone. His left hand was raised to present the girl a small paper bag that hold their present for Milan.

„Sure.“ Zoë agreed, stepping further into the flat to make room, as she took the bag from his boyfriend already who already was busy to strip out of the his scarf and winter coat. It was a bit sad. Because his boyfriend looked fucking beutiful in his fancy black coat. The one for special occasions, he had told Jens, after he had caught the older boy staring when they had left.

„And of course you as well, hi!“

„Hey, you good?“ Jens replied gladly receiving the hug and the kiss on the cheek Zoë gave him, before he closed the door behind him.

„We managed to get everything done and Senne and Milan should be on their way back, so yes pretty good. I’m glad you made it before their arrival.“ Zoë said, still smiling, still waiting for the boys to be ready to follow her.

Lucas and him weren’t late per se, it was just that the others had been extraordinarily early.

„Jens!“

The girl was about to say something else when they were interrupted by a loud shoutout from the livingroom. It took him a moment to figure out it was Robbe, soundin very joyous.

„Jens!“

It echoed again from said room, followed by a lhearty augh. Jens wasn’t sure he wanted to know why he was being called like that.

So he strode quickly towards the doorway leading into the packed livingroom, only peaking his head curiously around. Robbe turning around from where he sat on the floor between Sander and Yasmina. He was looking dangerously amused by something, that left the others looking similarily cheeky.

„Jens, they won‘t believe me that I once saved you from drowning in a puddle.“

„Because I wasn’t?“

„Yes you were.“ His best friend’s shit-eating grin plastered across his whole face, consuming any other expression. Jens only roll his eyes in return. „You called out in sheer desperation for your hero to come to the rescue. Robbe! Robbe!“

Jens couldn’t do anything else but snort at the pretend play infront of him. Robbe acting out his little Shakespearean heart. Jens honestly hadn’t drowned that day, not even close, but it was correct that after a sudden and hard fall from his skateboard he had crashed face first onto the ground. And may have panicked a little as he had breathed in some water from the puddle he lied in. They also had been nine, so the fear was quite reasonable in his opinion.

And no matter how scary the shock of the fall had been, it was definitely funny to think back to it now, and also remember than Robbe basically had dropped to his knees and cried his eyes out while helping his best friend to sit up. Jens decided to just let Robbe ignore this part of the story. Instead he contemplated the best strategy to get Robbe to shut up. After simply telling him hadn’t worked.

The pleasantness of a day spent with his friends spread throughout his body, settling close by his heart, never leaving him afterwards for the rest of the day. 

Jens found a pillow that he took from the sofa, a threatening glint in his eyes as he continued to chuckle while raising his arm.

„Im warning you.“

„He was all helpless face down in the puddle. Such a sorry sight.“ Robbe challenged, rising his eyebrows at his best friend.

That was enough, Jens decided, coming full swing at the giggling boy on the floor, suddenly on his own. Neither Yasmina nor Sander at his sides as the two seemingly had nolonger anything to do with the poor boy yelping defenceless against his attacker, hitting him with a pillow over and over again. All in good humor though, the swings rather light.

Lucas in the meantime had taken his seat next to Aaron, deep in a conversation over a phone in his boyfriends hand. Both of them intrigued by whatever was displayed.

Jens looked at him, how calm and lovely he looked with his soft smile, brief enough hopefully not to raise suspicions, as he considered Robbe‘s plea for mercy and forgiveness.

„Senne just texted, they are downstairs!! Everyone be quiet and take one of these.“ 

Jens barely had time to grab one of the colourful party hats Zoë handed out for everyone to put on. The elastic thin band was unfortunately uncomfortable around his chin, but hey, it was for Milan’s surprise, so he didn’t complained.

The door was unlocked, Senne’s voice being the first thing breaking the dead silence the guests had luckily found themselves in in time.

There was some rustling and Milan asking for some tea to warm up, calling for Zoë, only to be met with no answer.

„Maybe she has headphones on.“ Senne suggested shrugging, the first to reach the livingroom, looking unexpectedly casual back at their friend, while twelve pairs of eyes were excitedly staring at him.

„Yeah, proba...“ 

„Surprise!“

Milan not even had time to turn his head to find the crowd inside their living room, as he was stunned at the loud shouts and yells and clapping hands.

„I love you.“

He simply said, grasping the situation slowly. He looked close to tears as he entered and began to kiss and hug every singly person, being swamped with congratulations and showered in best wishes. Jens was seriously glad that he had decided to come and join in as he patted Milan’s back, wrapped in a tight embrace.

### Dec 12th, Saturday 21:40

His heartbeat was rising, his mind dizzy from the smell of Lucas, seemingly everywhere.

Jens kneeled on the bed, pulling off his sweater to throw on top of the one he had clumsly taken off Lucas before. He was getting so damn hot. Was it just them or also the flat in general? Without loosing another second he leaned down again, straddling his boyfriend’s hips. Lucas was looking up at him through heavy lidded eyes, eager to get the lips back on his. Jens didn’t minded at all, welcomed by hands cupping his face to pull him down and crash into.

Jens could still taste the cheap vodka shots on Lucas’s tounge, currently sending shivers down his spine, as they deepened the kiss. His hand slipping under Lucas’s shirt in a familiar way that felt comfortable as well as eletric under the touch of his fingers.

It was presumably not one of their best idea’s to have taken Robbe’s room with their friends so close by, just a wall speperating them. Robbe surely wouldn’t mind, would he? But Jens had seen Lucas dancing to a some upbeat song, Jens didn’t even remember, what he did though, were the moving hips and the laugh and the bottle raised to his boyfriend’s lips as he took a sip. And then Jens had gone over and whispered to Lucas to follow him.

They would try to blame the light drunkness, muffling them into a pleasent feeling of security as well as the profound want to get closer. To feel and taste skin.

Lucas was letting his hands explore Jens’s back, tracing further up and leaving it bare of fabric gathering below the neck. His fingertips digging into the skin as he drew Jens impossibly closer. Who felt hips pushing up, needy for contact. It caused both of them to moan into their shared kiss.

„Sorry to interrupt, but you could have just lo...“ There was the door swinging open and an unapologetic voice chatting away for half a sentence. „Jens?!“

Oh no.

Lucas’s hand fell from Jens’s back, now covering his mouth, to at least try not to laugh out loud. Both boys staring at each other with big eyes, caught by Milan entering his best friend’s room.

„You didn’t lock the door, did you?“ Lucas whispered quietly while he developed a healthy blush acros his cheeks. Damn he was too pretty, too cute. How was Jens supposed to stop here? Well an onwatcher would probably suffice. He did remember to answer his boyfriend though with a short shake of his head. Guilty as charged.

„Would you believe me, if I told you that I’m not Jens?“

He could at least try and ask, earning himself an adorable giggle of the boy under him. As well as Milan closing the door behind him, snorting at the ridiculous question, before raising his voice again. He definitely must have reached the edge of the bed yet. So unfortunate.

„Are you two really just that drunk? Or who is gonna tell me what’s going on here?“ 

Milan was enthralled by the sight of the two boys, his voice in great wonder of how he came to interrupt a secret make-out session. One involving Jens of all people, to kiss another boy at that. The oldest of them happily plopped down next to them, apparently not leaving until he got his answers. Instead he crossed his legs, watching them expectantly.

Jens sighed, not loosing his soft loopsided smile as he rolled off Lucas to sit up and hopefully be able to look Milan into his eyes. These were rather awkward circumstances to be outed under. He had the least control here, other than any of the previous situations. This spoke painfully for itself. Not much use in denying the obvious.

„Not drunk.“ Jens said, ignoring the amount of alchohol they had consumed over the evening so far. 

„Well at least not enough to not know what we are doing here.“ He quickly corrected, his eyes darting towards Lucas, just to check if he was about to say something wrong. Lucas was sitting up too now, his hair disheveled, his lips kissed red and swollen. What Jens wouldn’t give to have Milan gone so they could pick up where they had left off.

„You know. Robbe, that poor boy was so not straight it hurt watching his struggle to try and rid himself of that part of his person, until he of course accepted it. But you? You, Jens? Who would have thought? Not me. That’s for sure.“

„Me neither.“ Jens agreed, grinning from ear to ear, as he finally managed to look at Milan and find the sheer open fascination in Milan’s expression. It wasn’t taunting or mocking, which was something Jens wasn’t sure why he feared the oldest boy’s reaction to be. Ridiculous. Milan was probably one of the most supporting people of all of them. In any regard.

„I’m his excpetion.“ Lucas provided smugly, perhaps also proud and a tad too tipsy, taking Jens’s hand in his lap, drawing circles into the skin with his thumb. 

„So, this is not the first time, I take it?“

„No.“ 

Jens certainly wouldn’t get out of this that easy, so he went on, not waiting for Milan to probe further.

„Lucas is my boyfriend for a month now“ It was getting easier and easier to tell. Yet he stopped surprised as he traced the time back to their first actual make-out session. The one on Lucas’s sofa at his place, after having stood up the poor boy the day before. Incredible.

Jens wasn’t sure if he was more overwehlmed that the time had past so fast or because it felt like a year worth of things had happened between then and now. It had simultaneously been the shortest and longest month of his life.

Milan though looked as if they had hidden a year long relationship from him, as his jaw was basically hitting the floor.

„You are kidding? How did I not know? I usually see those things. I feel them clear as day. Okay we haven’t seen each other a lot, but at least the pizza party at yours.. I... I.... What?“ Milan stammered at the end, lost for words, before he fell into a fit of giggles with Lucas joining in. Jens didn’t think it was that funny, but he smirked nonetheless at their displayed unbothered joy.

„Anyway!“ Milan clapped his hands, having calmed down to a degree to be able to talk again, and continued. „I actually thought Robbe and Sander were busy in here, so sorry. Do they know you are in here? Probably not. Not gonn tell them either. I actually just needed waterproofed markers for a drinking game and that reminds me, that I should get back to the others, before someone comes looking for me.“

The oldest seemingly had realised the reason he came in in the first place, and immediately rose to his feet, quickly rummaging through the mess on the desk, before he triumphantly found the object of his desire. The two boys watching him amused from their vantange point on the bed, as Milan hurried out of the room, slipping cautiously through the tiny gap of the slightly opened door. His head briefly peaking back in.

„Do nothing I wouldn’t do. And please lock the door.“ Milan winked, leaving the boys alone again in a blissful silent room. Except for the muffled music and noises reaching them from beyond the walls.

„They surely wouldn’t miss us for a while longer, right?“ Jens asked, facing Lucas again, who nodded, assured of their friends being fine without them around. 

„Good.“

Disabused by Milan’s little break in, Jens tiptoed to the door, locking it, before he turned and pulled his shirt off, once he was back on the bed. They usually had Lotte next door, they could do quiet. Not that he planed to do much more than til noew. It was still Robbe’s bed after all.

### Dec 13, Sunday 00:04

[(insta posts)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637339466103652352/dec-13-sunday-0004)

### Dec 13th, Sunday 13:32

_Hey Jens,_

_I know this may be a bit out of the blue as I hadn’t contacted you for over two years. I hereby do not ask for forgivness if any shape or form. A lot had happened and for a while it was close to impossible to have contact outside of work. Obviously it doesn’t excuse my absense. I am pretty confident that I may even not have written you yet, wouldn’t it have been for Helena._

_Your mother was also the person to give me this email-address, I hope you aren’t too cross with her. She meant well._

_I am very positive you aren’t interested to read of anything that had happened to me since our last meeting in 2016. Already four years have passed. It doesn’t feel that long ago. But obviously you may feel different about that._

_So where to begin?_

_Helena wrote me a long text, detailing the main events of the last year and her diagnoses. I had to read it a couple of times for it to settle. It still feels surreal to have to accept her leaving earth that early. I am most sorry for you. I wish I could have been of more support from the very beginning. But now I have the chance to do something and I hope you will consider my offer._

_She told me of Lies and that she no longer lives in Belgium, which leaves you at home with your mother and Lotte. I can barely imagine how very hard that Must be on you. I do hope you have enough people who can take care of you, when you put your energy towards your family._

_There isn’t much I can do from my position here. But be assured that I already signed the documents to waive my choice of guardianship over Lotte. You mother was strictly clear that that was your preferred arrangement and I am in no position to interfere in your affairs at home. So they should be on their way and at yours rather soon, hopefully in time early next week. Just in case, I attached a pdf scan. Should you need anything else, please do not hestitate to ak._

_I also hadn’t forgotten that you turned 18 and unfortunately I haden’t yet congratulated you. I would like to do that now, even if it may seem shallow. But I send you all my best wishes and do genuinly hope that you will find success and love along your way. I am proud that you have the strenght in you to get through such a difficult and exhausting time and I believe with all my heart that you will make it to the other side._

Regarding _my mentioned offer:_

_I want you to be able to persue your goals in life. Surely you must have some dreams about the future you’d like to see come true. It isn’t much, but I am obviously sending money into your mothers, and now your, bank account, for Lotte and yourself since our separation. And if you would allow me to increase the amount by whatever the house or the corresponding insurances may cost, I’d be more than happy to do that. As well as money for university. A good education takes you far in life._

_This is not the greatest help of course, I know this. And I hope that you’ll understand that I can’t just leave my work behind, but I am already areaging to go visit Helena in January. I have to see her before I nay no longer have a chance, and she as well asked me to._

_If you, for some reason, want to meet me as well, it would make me quite happy to see you too. I understand though if that is out of question for you._

_I hope to hear back from you, so we can discuss the reality of help I can provide and anything I may have forgotten to bring up. I didn’t wanted this to get too long._

_You’ll find my mobile number in the document as well, but as I said, a signal is a rare occurance._

_With kindest regards,_

_Hendrik_

—

Jens, who had been hunched over his laptop for the better part of the email, leaned back, resting his head against the wall behind them on the bed.

Reading the long message hadn’t helped to clear up any conflicting emotions he had felt since the notification had arrived a couple days ago. Jens had expected the worst and the best simultaneously, and what he actually had received left him uncertain about the right reaction to such a message. Was it anger or gratitude?

„So? What does it say? Is it bad news?“

No it wasn’t really, was it? If it wouldn’t have been for the sporadic contact with his father, and the suddenness of this mail, Jens perhaps would only have a more positive attitude towards it. However it wasn’t that simple unfortunately.

Jens hadn’t told Robbe about the content of the mail or why he hadn’t opened it yet. But when he had announced that it had been his father, Robbe hadn’t asked anything else. Instead he had draped an arm around his back, before putting his attention on his phone, promising not to look. Jens trusted his best friend to keep his word and had thus quickly opened the message. Before he had a chance to change his mind.

That didn’t meant that the boy snuggled to his side wasn’t curious.

„I don’t know. I honestly don’t fucking know. I’m glad to hear from him, but I am so pissed about the way he wrote it. For example: Already four years have passed. It doesn’t feel that long ago. But obviously you may feel different about it.“ Jens read out loud, ending on a heavy sigh. He probably could have just quoted everything but that would be bringing up topics that Jens wasn’t ready to share.

„Or this bullshit of three sentences: I also hadn’t forgotten that you turned 18 and unfortunately I haden’t yet congratulated you. I would like to do that now, even if it may seem shallow. But I send you all my best wishes and do genuinly hope that you will find success and love along your way.“ He continued, almost mockingly, huffing an unamused laugh when he reread parts of the mail. „Like, fuck him. What am I supposed to do with that?“

„Seriously? That’s why he wrote you?“

It was very nice to know that Robbe seemed a little pissed off by it as well. It definitely validated Jens‘s belief, that this was a shitty thing to write given their history.

„No.“ Jens sighed again, this time a little deflated. His eyes darted briefly towards his best friend, feeling rather timid as he contemplated how to formulate his next words.

„I needed a signed document from him for the thing that is stressing me out.“ As if he couldn’t be anymore vague. „And my mom was so kind to get into contact with him first. So he basically just let me know that he send it off and attatched a pdf as well. That’s something I guess.“

„I see.“

Robbe’s second arm sneaked around his stomach, thus wrapping him into a tight embrace, as he rested his head against Jens’s shoulder.

„I think I would have preferred him to just let me know about the document and leave out the whole other stuff.“ Jens replied, leaning his own head into of his best friend’s.

He felt Robbe nodding, while his fingers stroked his back gently in an attempt to comfort his best friend.

„What did Lucas think?“ He asked Jens, receiving a soft snort in return.

„Nothing yet of course. I opened this for the first time here with you, dumbass.“

„Right. Sorry, my bad!“ Robbe shrugged a faint pink on his cheeks, as he instantly realised the his mistake at the same time Jens answered him.

„I think I’m glad that he wrote me. At least I know that he supports me in some way and I‘m not simply indifferent to him. It would have been worse, had I needed to chase him down for weeks to get the documents.“ Jens quietly said and swiftly closed the laptop. He pushed it away from them. Jens would definitely talk to his mom and perhaps let Lucas read the mail later on his own.

Robbe sat silent next to him. 

„He offered to pay for stuff if I needed him to. Don’t ask me why. But it feels shitty. It is good to have, and I may take him up on it. But it is not what I really need.“ I’d rather have him around, back then and now, Jens finished his thought unspoken.

It was the truth something that felt hard to say out loud. He wasn’t unaware of the fact that he close to never spoke about his father. It wasn’t an important part of his life for years now. He wasn’t even sure what people thought about his father, his friends included. He had met them all way after he left. Did they assume he was dead? No one ever had directly asked Jens before. At least he couldn’t remember anyone had before. There were only a couple of pictures that excist in his home that showed him, and they were almost all a decade old.

“If you want my opinion despite only getting the tiniest details from you, I’d tell you to straight up take the money. My father is always a little stingy if I need more for a month. So if your father offers you something, say thank you and accept it. It is the very least he can do for you. Don’t feel bad or sorry about it, as he should do much more for you. Honestly.”

Jens sat up straighter at his best friends words, Robbe following suit as the unwrapped themselves from each other. It definitely sounded like a shitty thing to do, but then so was the offer. Perhaps Jens would just as Robbe had told him. Why not?

“And if you don’t want to spend it on yourself, use it for Lotte or take out your boyfriend or help your mom with the bills. Whatever.” Robbe added and then shuffled of the sofa, as his phone was ringing on the desk calling for his attention.

Jens watched him, not paying much attention to anything but his thoughts and feelings regarding his father. He was glad that he had come to his best friend who simply accepted Jens withholding most of the details and still helping out. He appreciated it so fucking much.

“Alright, we’ll be there in fourty minutes, I think... yea... sure... okay see you then!”

Robbe told the person on the phone, his best friend’s hand reaching for him to pull him rather clumsy off the bed. Jens laughed at the sorry attempt. Robbe just wasn’t strong enough. But he gave in the second the other boy glared at him.

“Come on. Mayo is already on his way and I’m gonna text Aaron. You can bring your laptop and everything, or you can come back here later to get it.”

“Nah, I have to pick up Lotte at seven from her best friend’s place.” Jens replied, getting up while he packed everything as fast as he could around an impatient Robbe, searching for his missing board. As if a whole fucking skateboard could just vanish?

Seriously how did Sander managed to endure this daily?

Jens must have said that last question out loud, because he was hit in the chest, luckily not by the found skateboard, but by one of Robbe’s loose scattered sneakers.

### Dec 14th, Monday 22:57

„Lotte?“

Jens had finished his daily neverending evening clean up downstairs, half of the dirty dishes still left next to the sink. A problem for tomorrow to solve. He had went up quietly, checked first on his mom, peacefully asleep in her bed, and then on Lotte, also fast asleep, only her mop of hair peeking out from under the blanket.

He barely had changed out of his clothes and got into a pair of sweats and a shirt, when his little sister appeared in his doorway. 

He had catched a glimpse of movement before his head turned in horror, only to pray it hadn’t shown on his face as his eyes found Lotte, clutching tightly onto her old stuffed panda. The one she had since her birth. He didn’t wanted to scare her, just because she had scared him first.

„I thought you are asleep.“ Jens said, trying for an encouraging smile for her to come in. „Why are you up?“

Lotte shrugged her expression between sad and uncertain, as a hearty yawn told Jens enough to know that she also was tired. So it wouldn’t be her just not feeling sleepy.

He tilted his head a little over his shoulder to hopefully let her know to take his bed.

„I’m going to brush my teeth and be with you in a moment. Will you be okay?“ Jens asked, concern deeply rooted in his voice. He hoped she would fall back into a resting slumber quickly. Tomorrow was school. And if Jens hated one thing: it was to have a moody, sleep-deprived eight-year-old to persuade that getting up and going to class was the right thing to do.

So he watched her walk over to his bed to sneak under the covers, her eyes drawn towards him as he left his room. He’d just have to hurry today. Worry spreading through him. Lotte was a good sleeper. Something must be wrong for her to act like she did.

He was thinking about texting Luc. It felt like the normal thing to do almost. He would just call out for him and talk to him on any other night he was around. But Lucas wasn’t. His boyfriend was home with his mom, and because they wouldn’t see each other over the christmas break, she stayed til Thursday morning. Which was nice. And the younger boy had looked forward to it, excited and happy and impatient. So naturally Jens kept himself back from contacting him too often. He wanted his boyfriend to enjoy his time. They had been on the phone already earlier after dinner as Lotte got ready for bed. And now it was late. Lucas not here and probably getting ready to sleep himself. Jens decided not to disturb him.

Jens sighed, spitting the foam of the toothpaste out into the sink. 

He watched it vanish in the drain.

When he placed the toothbrush back, he looked himself in the mirror. He looked tired. It got harder to find rest, other than the couple hours at night. And it showed. He looked shit, as Luca had so lovely put it today when they met before first period. Jens agreed.

Splashing some water into his face, he quickly dried it back up and turned off the light as he headed back to his room.

Lotte was still up, still staring out the door into the hallway. When Jens came back into view, she actually breathed out loudly. Like she had expected him not to come back to her and hold her breath.

„Come on. Move over, so I can actually join you.“ Jens whispered into the silence around them, when he switched the desklamp off. He got into bed. On the wrong side. Which wasn’t wrong at all, before his brain somehow determined this side to be Lucas’s. Odd how fast one could come accustomed to something small like this.

„So you want to talk about it?“

„I don’t know.“

„Bad dream?“

Lotte decided to give him just a brief nod instead of the whisper of a response before. This probably wouldn’t be as easy as he had assumed. He turned onto his side. The two siblings facing each other in the dark.

Jens was thinking about dropping the issue, letting his sister work through it and try to stay up as long as she needed to find herself ready to go back to sleep again. But instead, after a long moment of deliberation had passed, she suddenly bit her lip softly before she spoke.

„I had a bad dream about mom. She wasn’t here anylonger.“ Lotte said hazily, her words vague, leaving enough room for interpretation. All of them still not good enough for Jens’s heart not to sting. He wasn’t sure how to reply. His sister knew too much to be lied to about something so profoundly awful as a parent’s awaited death.

„Lucas is not going to live with us?“ 

Jens watched his sister, as she added her question carefully. It reminded him of last tuesday’s little talk over dinner. The one where she seemed heartbroken about the fact that his boyfriend wouldn’t just stay forever. As if it wasn’t a big deal. Especially for two boys at seventeen and eighteen. To his sister trhey probably seemed old enough. 

„Correct.“ Jens whispered back.

„So it is really just us afterwards?“ Lotte’s voice broke off on the last word, as her gaze was intently directed at him.

„I’m afraid so.“ 

He almost hated to have to say these words as much as he hated to see the surrender in his sister’s eyes. She sighed deeply and dropped her eyes to the blanket covering them. She drew her panda up under her chin, to cuddle it even tighter than before.

There came a thought to Jens, one that he hadn’t even considered a worry of his until this very minute. But right now it basically screamed in the back of his mind to be acknowledged. To be contemplated and mostly to be asked. Suddenly he was afraid to find out the answer to this overwhelming problem pushing to the front.

„Lotte?“ Jens slowly called for her to listen and she did, looking back up at him. He felt his voice trembling and anxious when he continued to ask. „Will I be enough for you?“

He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she said no. Because if he was honest, that was exactly how he felt. To grow up just with a mother was already hard enough. Now Lotte would even loose her. And Jens knew he could never replace that. He didn’t even wanted to. Still. He was just her older brother after all. Jens probably wouldn’t suffice. 

„You won’t leave right?“ She asked back too uncertain for Jens to not feel the need to put all his devotion and determination into his reply. He knew it was a stupid thing to promise. He hope Lotte didn’t

„Never. I will never leave you.“

Lotte regarded him for a second, before she pushed her panda over towards him. She probably could see how overworked he got over this previous question. So he took hold of the panda’s left paw, while Lotte hold it’s right. The stuffed animal in the middle, on it’s back, left to stare up at the ceiling. 

Jens wasn’t sure why it somehow comforted him a little, but it did. And he was pretty sure that Lotte wouldn’t made fun of him. Especially after he had to swallow down some tears caught up in his eyes, when his sister faintly smiled at him.

„Yes, very much enough.“

The two sibling fell into silence afterwards, their gaze shared for a couple more minutes, before Lotte was the first to close her eyes, Jens quickly feeling his own tiredness catching up to him.

### Dec 15th, Tuesday 11:42

Jens tried his hardest to surpress a yawn while he swiftly collected his things from the table and followed Luca, Moyo and Robbe out of the room. He wasn’t exactly tired, but also didn’t felt great either, after he had woken up to a stuffed panda staring at him from his stomach, and his sister sprawled next to him, half the blanket kicked off for good measure.

„I think they have something with rice today.“ He heard Luca say the second he decided to maybe pay attention to the conversation. But quickly drifted off again, before he bumped into Robbe’s shoulder who fell behind to his side.

„You good?“

„Yeah.“

Robbe glanced at him, not thinking it was a lie, but not believeing it quite either, as his eyes squinted up at him for the second time.

„Just thinking a lot. I promise, I’m good.“ Jens replied, smirking as he briefly faced his concerned best friend. Jens almost tripped over his won feet, luckily before they had reached the stairs and luckily he also caught his balance quick. Robbe huffed a laugh next to him, that Jens gladly took his stumble if it meant the tension was gone.

Jens quickly let his eyes wander towards Moyo and Luca a couple steps ahead of them, still deeply engrossed in their lunch conversation.

„So, I actually wanted to thank you again for sunday and I thought about what you said and decided to take him up on his offer. You are right, it is the least he can do. I also want to suggest to meet up when he is in Antwerp. But I’m not sure I actually wasn to see him face to face once he is here.“ He explained quietly, self-conscious about people maybe able to listen in. Even though they wouldn’t have any knowledge that would aloow them to follow his words. It was vague enough, Jens thought.

„I can’t believe you listened to me. I think that’s a first.“ Robbe grinned, as Jens jokingly nudged him over a step. „And you shouldn’t worry about it too much. You can always cancel until you meet him. Don’t feel pressured to attend, if it feels only forced. It is his loss in the end, really.“

„When the fuck did you get so wise, huh?“ Jens inquired, smirking himself as he shook his head at his best friend.

Robbe’s face lit up, waving off first him and then an interested look from Yasmina. Who decidedly joined the little group just as they reached the cafeteria. She asked what they were talking about, the curiousity obviously present in her face. But she didn’t recieve an answer, from neither of the two boys, who instead scanned the room for Aaron. He had texted that he already got a table for all of them.

Jens saw Lucas first though, at the same moment that Robbe yelled their friend’s name and strode off towards Aaron, across from Jens’s boyfriend. The table was already packed with everyone apperntly just waiting for the five last people to join.

He couldn’t help but feel embarrasing in love when Lucas grinned and took his things from the chair next to him, in an attempt to assure that they definitely could sit together. Jens tried to look as casual as humanly possible, plopping down on the now freed seat.

They probably sat closer to each other than they should, but everyone was engaged in five different conversations happening at the same time, simultaneously deciding who would get up to get some food first. It was way too chaotic to notice Jens briefly taking Lucas’s hand in his, before the younger boy declared that he would just get something for the both of them. So Jens should just wait here, he was told.

Jens simply nodded. Not even starting to try to complain about his boyfriend’s proposition, if it allowed him to just sit and talk to his friends instead. Though when Lucas had gotten up and left with Yasmina, Aaaron and Moyo in tow, the empty space next to him was painfully existent. 

It wasn’t like they had no classes toegether or didn’t try to meet up almost every break they got. Still on these days where Lucas was at his own place, they got lucky to see each other in private for perhaps half an hour at school. Jens had gotten so used to have Lucas around at almost all times, his consciousness intrinsically linked towards his boyfriend’s presence, that the notion to have him back home earliest on thursday sounded off.

It was a silly thing to ponder on. Especially as they would get almost two weeks of a vacation together starting saturday.

So why was it ulitmately possible to miss someone you saw everyday?

### Dec 15th, Tuesday 20:14

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637596801929773056/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots-photo)

### Dec 16th, Wednesday 18:13

„What are you doing here?

Jens almost managed to pull his head out without hitting the frame. Almost.

He had to bite his lip in order not to cry out in pain under his breath. Meanwhile his mother had the audacity to laugh at him, when he slowly got to his feet and took the gloves off. He was done anyways. At least he could rub the spot now that was asking for his attention. Fortunately it didn’t feel as if it would swell. At least something.

„I was cleaning the oven.“ He replied instead as he found his mother watching him amused from the end of the kitchen counter. She leaned against it. She also looked as if she would slump to the floor any moment from now, should she not have sufficient support to keep her upright.

„I can see that, but why?“ 

„I needed to keep myself busy.“ Jens stated truthfully. 

After he had come home from dropping off the folder filled to the brim with papers at Alexander De Wael’s office in his law firm. Since that very moment Jens had felt frustratingly restless. Lotte had rushed towards her room the second they stepped into the house and Jens had checked briefly on his mom who appeared asleep. So without any distraction and no interest to just lay on the sofa or his bed he had uncharacteristically cleaned his entire room and vaccumed all floors. To his unfortune it was only half past five, Jens noticed dissatisfied with a glance at his phone.

Therefore he had somehow proceeded to open the oven and figured that the small crusted stains probably shouldn’t be there. With a swift search through the cleaning supplies, he actually found the right bottle and got to work. That was almost fourty minutes ago and now he was done. Perhaps he could start with dinner. It shouldnt get too late for Lotte anyway.

Jens was about to open the fridge when he registered his mom moving a little closer, quite weak on her feet. 

„Are you alright?“

„You shouldn’t be up in your condition.“ He countered, knowingly ingonring his mother’s worried face. He knew that it probably wasn’t the best way to deal with emptional stress, but at least the house will be spick and span afterwards.

„I was lonely.“ His mother sighed and obviously meant it too, as her eyes lost the glimmer while the smile fell off her lips. Great now he couldn’t just send her back upstairs, could he? How unfair. She noticed it immediately, trying to get some lightness into her expression, when she pointed at one of the hanging cabinets next to Jens. The one that hold the cups and glasses.

„I actually just wanted to get something to drink.“ She smirked. „Didn’t know I’d run into the maid.“

„Ha ha, very funny.“ Jens couldn’t help but grin in return, just as amused as she seemed to be at the moment. Maid. He was definitely not a maid. 

„Okay, I concede. Will you at least take the sofa and I’ll promise to get you some water before I prepare dinner?“ He proposed, seeing his mother nod in agreement, before she let her son sneak an arm around her middle to hold her up, while the two of them made their way over. Silence settled uneasy between them and Jens couldn’t quite place where it stemmed from. He just knew he hated it. Perhaps he could just put some music on while cooking. For now though some conversation would hopefully do.

„I actually found a recipe that I wanted to try. Some kind of turkish lentil stew.“ He went on to explain to his mom what ingrediants would be used and talked her through the preperation steps, as he helped her lay down and drape the big wollen blacket over her. She had shivered lightly before, despite the thick socks, long sweats, shirt and cardigan.

Jens had spent all monday afternoon searching for new recipies, which was harder than he had expected. It needed to be something easily digestable, something that didn’t needed to be chewed. So that mainly meant soups. And to be honest, other than a pumpkin or a potato stew his repertoire was greatly limited. Until now, he hoped.

So in order not to have to eat the same two meals in alternation, alternatives were strongly needed.

„I should have let you cook way sooner.“ His mother teased, thanking Jens for the glass of water. She nipped on it, her face faintly contorted as she gulped down the liquid. She tried hard not to show it, but to no avail. Jens noticed it immediately and immediately looked away.

He found it hard to keep his eyes on her anytime she looked ill enough for him not to be able to brush her sickness aside.

„I would have only declared you insane and gone off to smoke with Moyo or something.“ Jens replied, a soft smile tugging at the corner of his lips, as he continued to brighten the mood a little. „Honestly, imagine 16 year old me spending hours in the kitchen to cook?“

Jens had tilted his head at her, expectantly awaiting her reaction. They both knew very well that that was close to inconcivable. Jens would have done anything in his might to not have to deal with every kind of housework. He was a pretty shitty son to have, now that he reminded him of his sixteen year old self. He had drank at parties til the middle of the night, smoked too much weed, sneaked out to his girllfriends, ditched way too many classes. 

Truth be told, he prayed to any god willing to hear him out that Lotte would come to be a very considered and an easy teenager to have. Because he wasn’t sure how long he could keep his cool if not. At this point in his life Jens would quite likey have kicked his own younger self’s ass, for the bullshit he had pulled.

His mother only chuckled, definitely confirming him to be right on his assesment.

„Oh you are so correct. I am very happy that you get to understand my point of view finally. Though I’d absolutely would have you checked by a doctor if I had found you cleaning the oven back than.“

„Glad to hear that you aren’t now calling for therapy.“ He laughed surprisingly content again. „I really should start on dinner though. Call me if you need something, yes?“

„Yes, son!“ She saluted him with a wink, only to lay her head back on the pillow that leaned against the sofa’s arm. His mother’s eyes fell shut, signaling Jens to better leave her to rest for another hour until they could eat together in the livingroom later that evening. The last couple of night, he only had brought her some dinner to bed, while Lotte and him had ate first at the table downstairs.

It would actually be a nice change for once.

Lotte would love it.

### Dec 17th, Thursday 22:18

Could the day get any worse? 

Jens thought as he wearily stared at the swirling soapy water behind the little plastic window, as it went round and round and round. With a quick glance up at the digital screen above he dully noted that he had stood here across from the mashine for over fourty-five minutes now. Hs back uncomfortably resting against the cold tiled wall behind him, as he steadied himself to stay upright.

The time honestly surprised him. He would have been assured that this much time couldn’t have passed, if he hadn’t been proven wrong by the numbers he had read. Had he drifted off in between then and now? Jens didn’t think that he had closed his eyes once. Maybe he had though? It was hard to tell, as his mind felt awfully robbed of actual thoughts to grasp at. However he was too tired to really care in the end, as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other without steering from his position. He had nothing else to do than wait. And if he would begin to ponder remotely on anything, he might as well just start to cry he felt like.

Certainly it was bad timing for Lucas to pass Jens in his quest to remain perfectly silent, inside and out. Because his boyfriend stopped by the doorway, as he had descended the stairs to make his way way to the kitchen. Jens couldn’t be sure. Perhaps the younger boy was looking for him. Fourty-five minutes was a long time to be missing after all.

Jens unfortunately had made the mistake to turn his head, as it lead him to see Lucas softly smiling at him. A faint distinct anger was bubbling up inside him, ready to grow and show itself. Jens would let it, if it came to it.

„Here you are, I was wondering where you had...“ His boyfriend cheerfully declared, but haltet as his gaze fell to the washing mashine and realisation hit him hard. His face fell into shock. „Shit.“

Shit, indeed. Jens wholeheartedly agreed.

„I forgot.“ 

„I saw.“ Jens’s voice was brisk yet still quiet, nonetheless pressed in a way that should tell Lucas not to continue to talk, and instead leave. The younger boy seemed to simply overlook it or somehow be deaf to his tone.

Jens had finished cleaning the kitchen counter, when he had looked forward to get upstairs and end the day cuddled up to his boyfriend to get his well deserved rest. He was still a little indecisive over the question if he should be glad or upset over the fact that he had looked into the downstairs bathroom. If he hadn’t, he would have been happily in bed by now probably. But he also would have had a full load of laundry left in the washing mashine for hours over night and possibly the whole school day. 

The washing mashine had been done for hours already, when Jens had wondered way it’s door was closed, after he had entered the room. Because everyone in the household always left it open, if it wasn’t running. So he had checked up on it and found the laundry forgotten in it. Which meant that Jens had quickly opened it to sniff one or two pieces and then immediately closed it again, to start the programm anew. Not much else for him to do here than wait.

And then he had gotten up to stand in the position that Lucas found him almost an hour later.

„I’m so sorry.“ Lucas apologised, knowing exactly well that it wouldn’t change anything about the situation right now. Truth be told, it only made Jens more angry. He could feel the electricity of tension in his fingertips, his hands balling into fists. 

„I asked you to do one thing today and you said yes, so I...“

„I know. I’m so sorry.“ Lucas’s voice interrupted him, his eyes definitely looking the part. Jens would almost feel sympathy with him, just not quite as he went on. „I can wait and hang them instead, you can already go...“

„No.“ This time it was Jens who broke his sentence off midway. He knew Lucas meant for him to lay down and sleep. „I shouldn’t have asked you in the first place. It is not your responsibility in the first place. These are all my clothes anyway. All the clothes that I only need to pack tomorrow for the trip. All of them.“

„I...“ Lucas began, but stopped when Jens hold up his hand to gesture to him to shut up. His blood began to boil under his skin. He felt on edge. How couldn’t the younger boy see that?

„Today was hell.“ Jens stated, and meant it. His voice was getting louder. He tried his best to not shout though. The last thing he wanted was for Lotte or his mom upstairs to wake up. But he was getting furious with any passing moment that his boyfriend wouldn’t just leave. For god’s sake, Lucas didn’t even seem to listen to him, busy to once more apologise to Jens.

„As I said, today was hell. The last couple of days were fucking hard, Luc. Lotte had trouble sleeping. My mom was either in pain or sleeping. I had to deal with my father on top of the whole guardianship case. And today was just an accumulation of all.“

Jens tried to take a deep breath, it just didn’t calm him down. He honestly felt more enraged the longer he thought about it. If he wouldn’t feel as exhausted, he would have gladly punched something. Preferably the boy, but as his heart probably wouldn’t allow him, the wall behind him would have done perfectly well instead.

„Lotte woke me at fucking five in the morning with a headache, where only a pill two hours later in the end had helped enough to convince her to go to school. So she was late, I was late. You know I stormed into class fifteen minutes after the bell rung, right? My french teacher told me to see her tomorrow beacuse of my test, which probably doesn’t mean it went well. I come home with Lotte, trying to stay cheerful and relaxed enough for her to not suspect anything. And tell her to go to her room to play something. Because my mom called for me from the bathroom, once we entered the house. So the next twenty minutes I hold my mom’s thin hair out of her face as she barfes her heart out, crying through all of it because it hurts her even more to throw up than to eat. There was barely anything to vomit, other than spit and blood. And I cannot just break down next to her, you see, because she is a mess and needs someone to take care of her and lean on. I barely managed to get her collapsed body back into bed and collect myself enough for you to show up half an hour later with your packed bag. And I ask you for one thing, Lucas, one fucking thing, while I prepare dinner and clean up afterwards. To hang the fucking laundry.“

Okay Jens was livid, no use in denying that any longer, when his voice was audibly pressed as he spoke through his teeth to keep himself from yelling. He was furious to the point he found it hard to stop himself from going on rambling about his miserable day. Furious. Not just with Lucas, but also with himself and the world in general.

„I’m sorry.“ It was barely a whisper his boyfriend whimpered under his breath, but it send Jens to glare him down. Anything to get him stop talking. Lucas was swallowing on something, as he stared back at the older boy with wide eyes. Jens was pretty sure, he hadn’t expected that when he found him. But here they fucking were.

„Stop apologising! _Christ_!“ 

This was probably the worst part of it all. To see and hear Lucas’s genuine regret plastered across his expression and deeply anchored in his voice. Jens would have preferred to tell him all about his day differently. He had prefered them to already be in bed, and have Lucas understand and support him, as they hold each other in a tight embrace. Instead he got this. And yes, Jens probably could take a deep breath and calm down and concede that it was too late to be angry anyway. But he was left to his emotions eating away on his rational mind.

„Why, are you still here?“ He asked, almost shouted, as Lucas flinched still standing in the doorway. The poor younger boy didn’t even get to answer.

„ _Leave_! Go home. Go to my room. I don’t _fucking_ care. Just get your _damn_ face out of _my_ sight! _I don’t_ want to _fucking_ hear _or_ see you, Lucas!“

„Jens, I..“

„LEAVE!“ This one Jens in fact yelled at the startled boy inside the wooden frame, before he tore his eyes away to watch the bubbles gathering on the other side of the hatch. It did calm him enough in order for the beating of his heart to slow, and the rushing of his blood to died down.

He didn’t see Lucas leaving, but he heard the shuffeling of feet for a moment, before Jens tuned everything out around him. Except for the laundry continuously spinning around inside the mashine, unbothered by the scene that had unfolded outside. 

He didn’t wanted to know if Lucas had actually left or stayed.

It would break him to see the pairs of shoes and jacket gone.

The exhaustion was crushingly tearing at his consciousness.

Just thirty more minutes and he could hang his clothes up to dry. Allowing for him to finally seek out his bed and get some proper rest. God knows, he needed to close his eyes and feel his muscles able to relax, all of him tugged under a heavy blanket.

He hardly felt the trembling of his body, before his vision blurred and he slid down along the wall to sink in on himself. He drew his knees up, to prop his chin on them and hug his legs as tight as he could. Jens knew he was crying the moment he tasted the salt on his lips and his shoulders began to shake violently in the white lit room.

This day just needed to be over.

### Dec 17th, Thursday 22:33

[(insta chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637786782808801280/dec-17th-thursday-2233)

### Dec 18th, Friday 05:28

Jens waited. Patiently watched the slow rising and falling of the half uncovered bare chest of the boy next to him. It was soothing to see the ease behind the movment.

He was uncertain when exactly he had woken up, given the everpresent darkness of the winter. But he couldn’t have gotten much sleep. That was quite evident in the heaviness of his eyes. At least it must have been a little more than the last couple of days. Not that it didn’t fell awfully short of a proper rest.

With a sigh on his lips, he let his gaze wander up his boyfriends chest, past the dip above the collarbone that gave way to the curve of the slim neck he knew blind. Jens had buried his face in it more than he could count by now.

His eyes reached the jawline and then the chin and lastly the lips, slightly parted. His boyfriend was just very faintly snoring. A smile dared to cross Jens, until his boyfriend stirred awake, Lucas’s eyes blinking open with a low groan.

The alarm had rung.

“I’m sorry.”

The whisper came fast over Jens’s lips, faster than he had anticipated, leading Lucas to turn onto his side. Only to face Jens with an odd confusion at the first words exchanged this early friday morning. However last night must have caught up with Lucas, as it visibly dawned on him how they had left off.

A deep frown graced his boyfriend’s face.

Jens had turned yesterday’s argument over and over again in his head, unable to find peace with it when it painfully accurately ended up the way it did every single time. He hated his past self so much. Therefore Jens had vowed to be a better person, better than with everyone he had been before, and just apologise right away. It had worked last time Jens had fucked up. He prayed it would be enough this time around as well. 

Lucas hadn’t gone home. His boyfriend had stayed. Jens had felt the weight dropping from his shoulders the second he had seen the younger boy already fast asleep upstairs in bed at half past eleven. It must surely count for something, right?

“It‘s okay. I absolutely understand why you were so frustrated. I really should have just done it.” 

Jens decided that he didn’t deserve his boyfriend.

“No, it is not okay. It isn’t your responsibility. It’s mine alone. My house, my things. You helping out so much shouldn’t be the norm. And more than anything, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, especially over such a small thing.”

The two boys fell quiet again for a long second after Jens’s apology. He didn’t believe he should be let that easily of the hook. He should do more than say a couple of words. Jens was sure he had hurt Lucas with his anger over forgotten laundry. 

“Thank you.” Jens breathed out. This was really what he wanted to say all along. 

“For what?”

“Being here?” Jens replied unsure of what exactly made him feel all the things he felt, when he constantly found himself looking at Lucas. Overly grateful for very stolen glance he got, without getting caught by blue eyes staring back.

“Being you, really. Thank you for staying.“ Jens took another deep breath before he continued. „Thank you for not leaving me. I don’t think I could have managed the last couple of weeks without you. And thank you for just accepting all of it. I’m afraid I wouldn’t have done the same if the roles were reversed, to be honest. And to know that feels shit.”

It was true. The moment he came to acknowledge the conclusion Jens had reached last night, after he had joined Lucas in bed, with a mind racing lacking a goal, had been shattering. Jens wouldn’t have stayed around his previous girlfriends. Jens hadn’t stayed around for Robbe, when his best friend needed him most, without a mother and home to stay. 

He knew he wouldn’t have stayed for Lucas if it had been the younger boy’s mom instead.

If he hadn’t already cried as much already, he certainly would have again as he had watched the dark shadows of the branches outside his window. Without tears, he only felt hurt, until exhaustion lead him to fall asleep.

“Well, aren’t we lucky then, that I am the one to help you out.” Lucas said as a matter of fact, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Maybe Jens could cry now? He felt like he should, given his heart was beating fast and loud up to his throat.

“Are you like godsend?“ Jens asked into the space between them. „Honestly. Did you cut of your wings or something. Because I seriously don’t understand how you showed up at my doorstep the moment I needed you most. A person to lean on, to trust. I don’t get it.”

Lucas just laughed back at him, amused by the crinkling of his eyes, as his eyes were still focused on Jens. He felt genuinly dumbfounded at the reaction. He knew it didn’t sounded cool or well worded, but still, it was the most honest he could be at the moment. How else was he able to convey his feelings in a better, more accurate way?

“Sorry.“ Lucas quickly apologised, calming steadly down. The smirk never left. „You are just so cheesy. What movie did you get that from?”

“My own. I’m writing it as we speak.” Jens teased, his confidence brought back, after he had to endure to have been laughed at. Jens couldn’t help but join in on the pleasant joy his boyfriend showed. Perhaps it was a little funny. It almost made him forget about last night. He hoped it would do the same for Lucas. He prayed his boyfriend could forget about it as fast as he could forgive Jens.

„You didn’t know shit about me in October. And when you found out, you somehow decided that this would be a great first relationship experience to have? Why, Luc? Why?“

It was a question Jens had asked himself so often til now, it was burned into his skull. He just couldn’t believe a person to be capable of glossing over the fact, that this was a miserable thing to get oneself into. Willingly on top of it.

„I don’t know. It just felt right, I guess.“ The younger boy said with a shrug of his shoulder.

Jens just decidedly stared at the boy in wonder. Again the voice inside his head reminding him that he didn’t deserve his boyfriend. This was gonna become a common thought, Jens feared.

Lucas didn’t apparently minded the fast pace of change between them. Screaming and hurting in one moment. Forgiving and joking in the next. Because Lucas simply leaned over, kissing Jens out of his stupor, before the younger boy got up.

„Come on, you can’t be late to school two days in a row.“ His boyfriend stated and Jens unfortunately had to agree, as he watched Lucas throw on a hoodie and socks.

„Lucas?“ Jens called for him, as the boy was up and almost at the door, to leave for the bathroom. Jens wasn’t sure where the drastic need suddenly stemmed from. It was the wrong time for it. It really was. Especially after yesterday and everything Jens had done and said. This morning hadn’t been long enough to let the boys forget about it. But Jens just had to say it out loud. Let Lucas know, before the younger boy would leave the room. So Jens sat cautiously up from his spot on the bed, biting his bottom lip.

„Yes?“ 

„I love you.“

He could see the moment it hit Lucas, as the boy paused in his movement. The hand raised to open the door, but never grabbed the knob, instead hovering between the wooden plane and the boy’s body, as he turned slowly. 

Jens shouldn’t have said it. He strongly believed to have been right in his assumption, until Lucas’s face lit up in adoration, a grin reaching from one ear to the other.

„I love you, too.“

And then the younger boy opened the door and left.

Jens just fell back into the pillows, too bewildred to get up right away. 

He could probably take another minute. He needed to take another minute.

### Dec 18th, Friday 19:05

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637864210817269761/dec-18th-friday-1905)

# End of week 8

(The Fool You Need by Son Lux)

* * *

_This is copied from my weeks masterpost on tumblr:_

_Do yourself a favor and listen to this song. I knew it would be this one before I knew which week these scenes would take place. Listen to Son Lux in general, he is just such a great artist. His music has a special place in my heart._ 🥰

_This week was also the hardest for me to write, for a couple of personal reasons, but I hope that you enjoyed reading these clips... you know what I mean when I say enjoy... they weren’t the happiest ones, I’m afraid_ 😢

_I promise to make up for it, with a lot of christmas fluff the next couple of days._

_I may also regret it a little, because I forgot how many people would be there to interact with and talk to and be around at any given moment. Jens had spent so much time at home, I hope I can do a good job keeping the group present and fun_ 😬🎅

_I love you all for continuing to follow my story, especially all the ones who leave a like. You keep me going!_

_Thank you and stay safe everybody_ ❤️


	9. Christmas Candles - Week 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week 9 - Christmas Week!
> 
> I do hope that you will enjoy this week, as it might be quite different from all the ones before. I do hope I did the fluff some justice and it definitely will be present in the next week as well, so not quite over yet.
> 
> Have fun everyone!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Christmas Candles - Week 9

### Dec 19th, Saturday 12:10

Jens was quite surprised by the notion that they were perfectly on time. Traffic into Brussels had been fairly light, given it was so early on a saturday. He had expected to have more people on the streets the weekend before christmas, when he had parked the car at his grandparents house to drop of his mom and sister. Perhaps the ongoing pandamic warrented reason enough to stay at home, he guessed. And because they had managed to be so quick, Lucas and him had found time to join for a larger second breakfast.

He wasn’t gonna lie, it had him incredibly nervous to introduce his boyfriend. His grandmother wasn’t a close-minded person, but he could definitely see that she didn’t quite understood at first. But over breakfast she seemed to come to terms with it. He was very grateful for his mom doing most of the talking. 

His grandfather in the meantime greeted Lucas, calling him Robbe at least two more times afterwards, causing Lotte to call the old man silly, not comprehending, that their grandfather was sick himself. Jens apologised each time, explaining the dementia of his grandfather, but Lucas didn’t seemed to be bothered by it, after the initial confusion.

The couple left at exactly a quarter to twelve, with warm goodbyes and hugs and a large plastic box filled with freshly made cookies. To keep them from starving on their long journey ahead. Jens didn’t mention the cotton bag on the passenger seat, already containing way too many sweats, and instead joined Lucas to thank her for the thoughtfullness.

Sander and Robbe stumbled out of the trainstation, the same minute Jens stopped his car infront of Brussels central to pick up the two yawning boys.

The four quickly rummaged through the trunk of the car, fitting the additional bags into the spot, that had hold his mom’s and Lotte’s luggage before. Jens thanked Robbe at least for a whole minute, that they had taken the train here to join them, when everyone else had managed to leave from Antwerp. They had three packed cars in total, the other two driven by Senne and Milan. Though with their little drop off and no intention to have to organise for all of the group to stick together, they probably would arrive last.

Not a minute later, the boys were on their way. And just a moment later, the silence was already broken.

„Sander and me actually put a playlist together, it’s only 6 hours long though. I guess you’ll have to cover the last two.“ Lucas grinned from the passenger seat, already fishing for his phone from his crumbled up jacket on the floor to his feet.

„Oh my god, no.“ Jens groaned, not seriously discontent or upset about the procamation, but just to make a point, that he wasn’t quite prepared for a day long journey spend in the 70s.

„You get used to that, trust me. But agreed!“ Robbe offered from the seat right behind him on the beackseat. At least he had his best friend backing him.

„What is that supposed to mean?“ Sander pretended too be deeply offended by his boyfriends word’s, clutching his chest.

„Exactly what I said.“ Robbe stated, causing Lucas to simply laugh in response, as the boy was busy figuring out the car’s display menu. Jens definitely wouldn’t win this.

„Robbe. Robbe. Hey Robbe!“ Jens had to call a couple of times, in order to break up the bickering couple on the backseat. Now caught in an silly argument about Robbe’S music taste instead.

„Yeah?“ His best friend asked, accepting Sander’s hand to hold as an piece offering, before he turned to face the front.

„I have an idea!“ Jens declared, an ominous smirk on his lip, while he searched for Robbe in the back mirror.

„Uh-huh.“ 

„So you love me right, man?“ 

That certainly piqued everyone’s interest, as all of them stopped doing, whatever they did, to get comfortable. Jens briefly concentrated on the street ahead, waiting for Robbe’s answer.

„Of course.“ His best friend insisted. Exactly what Jens wanted to hear.

„Perfect!“ He said excited, before getting to the point. „So here is my idea: How about we forget about the last one and a half years or so ,and just pretend that you had declared your undying love for me after Jana. While I was obvously was already over her and comfortable in my sexuality. So we naturally got together, thus we can just ditch these two at the next rest stop we pass.“ 

Jens full on grinned by the time he reached the conclusion, as he hold Robbe’s gaze in the backmirror, aside from the glances back onto the street every second. „And then it is just you and me, baby!“ He winked, very pleased with himself.

Robbe laughed, the big amused smile present on his face, once he calmed down again to reply.

„Brilliant idea. Deal!“ 

Jens swiftly punched his fist in the air, before he instantly took hold of the steering wheel again. He was a responsible driver. He hoped at least, given his three passengers, he all loved dearly.

„Hey!“ 

It practiaclly echoed in unison, as their two boyfriends looked absolutely dumfounded in their outrage.

The two best friends caught in a fit of giggles at their shocked expressions. Robbe even leaning forward to sneak his hands onto Jens’s neck to stroke the naked skin, right beneath his hair. Not a bad start, Jens figured, fully playing into it, as he let his head fall back in turn.

„You literally declared your love for me yesterday morning for the first time ever, and didn’t stop telling me since then. What the fuck, Jens?“ Lucas tried to sound as hurt and accusing as he could, if it wasn’t for the grin spreading across his face betraying his pretended intentions.

„Aww that’s so cute.“ Robbe cooed, very much smitten over the newest development between the couple in front of him. 

„Yeah must be nice.“ Sander mumbled, taking his hand out of Robbe’s he still had hold onto despite the whole joke developing before.

„What?“

„I didn’t get one this morning.“ Sander pouted at his boyfriend’s questioning look, crossing his arms.

„But I di...“ Robbe paused, his eyes squinting into the space between them, as he figured, that indeed he hadn’t. He blinked, trying for puppy eyes instead to smoothen the mood.

„See, I was correct.“

„Oh but I love you so much.“ His best friend countered, blinking sweetly up at Sander, who had trouble not to give in too fast, quite in vain, when Robbe shifted a little closer, the two boys sharing a kiss.

„Aww that’s so cute.“ Jens mocked the exact tone and words, his best friend has thrown at Lucas and him a moment earlier.

„What about us though, baby?“ He teased a minute later, trying intently to sound at least a little hurt. „I thought we were gonna be a thing now?“

„Yeah, Robbe, no worries. Jens is hot, I get it.“ Sander encouraged, pushing his boyfriend slightly back again.

Lucas snorted at the comment, before he nodded and vehemntly agreed to the statement that, indeed Jens was a good looking dude.

„Uhm, does that means I can have all of you? Do I get to choose?“ Jens loudly inquired, very happy with the whole direction this took. He’d gladly took the next seven hours of their trip, to be showered in compliments.

„Dunno, do I get to top?“ Sander pulled his face into a suggesting expression, wiggling his eyebrows amused, as he stared at Jens through the back mirror, who noted it looking up to it from the road infront. The oldest boy himself barely able not to just start laughing.

„Sure.“ Jens agreed instantly, not a thought wasted, which meant in turn, that all eyes turned to him in an unusual moment of silence. His eyes quickly searched for Robbe in the mirror, abolutely loosing it, as he saw his best friend’s jaw hung open, his eyes wide in disbelief. 

„Excuse me?“ Robbe barely managed to say.

Jens simply shrugged in response. He hadn’t really contemplated it prior to this moment, but he definitely wouldn’t cross it out straight away. Why not?

„Then yeah you can have me too.“ Sander concluded, breaking out of his little stupor first. The cocky confidence back in his face, as he blew Jens a kiss, followed by a wink.

Now it was Jens who was definitely wheezing, traying hard to not loose his conentration as he stuck his eyes strictly to the front of the car, stopping at a red light luckily, for him to catch a breath. This was something he would have to made sure that the other’s vowed to never bring once they would leave the car. With them it felt easy, natural even, to joke around like this, didn’t mean he would like to have it told to others.

„I guess, I have to dissapoint though, Lucas is the only one for me. Sorry.“

A collective „awww.“ filled the car to a volume, that was definitely audible to the people outside that would pass them. But as they turned onto the highway, it fortunately made it impossible.

„Stay jealous, I win.“ Lucas proclaimed proudly, leaning over to peck a kiss on Jens’s cheek, before his boyfriend went to connect his phone over bluetooth. A minute later „I’m gonna be (500 miles)“ by The Proclaimers was blasting from the speakers. Lucas and Sander immediately singing loudly along.

Jens even caught Robbe mouthing the words to it. Traitor.

It would definitely be a long ride, that was for certain, Jens thought, sighing defeated. 

Fuck it, he thought, it was his vacation. So he shook his head with a smile, before he gave in and just joined his friends, allowing him to simply have some fun. 

### Dec 19th, Saturday 17:43

[(inst post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/637949733343739904/dec-19th-saturday-1743)

### Dec 19th, Saturday 21:01

„JANA!“ 

Jens wasn’t sure, who of the girls had screamed the loudest, at the headlights coming into view outside. Senne had taken the car to pick up their long lost friend from the airport in Bern, finally to be reunited again with them for the next fourteen days. 

Even he had found himself excitedly looking forward to Jana being back inmidst their group. Despite everything there always would remain a special bond between them Jens couldn’t quite shake off.

Jens and the other three boys had arrived, just a little after seven. As expected their car had been the last to park on the clearing between the pine trees and the house. It had taken them fifteen minutes longer, when Jens had missed the exit leading up to the cabin from the main road, covered in snow. Everyone agreed that it had been hard to see, especially at night. But after a long call with Senne, they had managed to make their way to the house.

Amber and Aaron already busy in the kitchen to prepare dinner, which was a very welcomed change for Jens, carrying in the bags, with the rest of them.

The cabin was absolutely breathtaking, exactly as one would imagine a swiss mountain cabin to look like, situated at the outer skirts of the alps opening up behind it. They were just south of Montreux, and given that tourists without private property weren’t allowed to travel, the streets had been rather empty.

Jens couldn’t wait to explore the grounds tomorrow as the darkness that engulfed them was as thick as a blanket, barely allowing for the treeline that sourrounded them to be visible from the porch.

It wasn’t the biggest cabin in size. The rooms on the smaller side, but it just made it that much more cozy, especially with the large firplace in the livingroom and the little black ovens scattered in every other room. 

And for some very odd reason reason Milan, the greatest human being alive, had managed to get Lucas and Jens a room together. It mainly had worked for two reasons. Number one: Moyo and Milan would share a room, and were pretty clear to have two single beds. And the number two: Maxime unfortunately couldn’t join the trip due to family issues, so Luca was perfectly happy to be placed in a room with Yasmina and Jana. Especially as she couldn’t celebrate with her girlfriend. 

He felt a sorry for her. Honestly.

But thank god, because Jens hadn’t thought about it beforehand, until he stood with his two bags in the open living and kitchen space downstairs. He would have hated it, if Lucas and him couldn’t have been able to have some privacy for themselves. On top of it an actual comfortable double bed. Maybe it wasn’t too bad, that Milan had crashed their make out session last weekend.

„This is amazing!“ Jana declared, as she entered the cabin, followed by Senne carrying her suitcase and bag in. Jens came up to help the poor man, as he tried to close the door behind him with his foot.

He hadn’t had a chance yet anyway to greet the girl, as she currently was swarmed by her best friends, no one caring for the snow that had covered her hair and coat on the way over from the car, currently melting away.

„I’m so hunrgy. Please tell me, someone made food.“ She whined, a large and cheerful grin on her face, when Amber nodded towards the large dining table on the right. They had made sure to keep a large plate filled with leftovers, in hindsight of Jana’s arrival.

„We would never let you starve.“ Zoë declared, making space for the boys to have a chance to also say hi.

„God guys, I can’t believe I’m here. Someone pinch me, I might be dreaming.“ Jana joked, pushing a laughing Moyo away, who had taken her up on her request.

„Honey, your shorter hair is even more stunning in person.“ 

Jens definitely agreed with Milan there. It suited her so well, as the tips merely hovered over her shoulders, framing her face. Finally it was his turn to hug her. He didn’t even had to step forward, as Jana threw herself at him, her arms instantly slung around his neck, pulling him in.

„I missed you too.“ He chuckled, rubbing her back as he buried his face in her hair. Jens really had missed her. It was crazy to think, that they hadn’t seen each other face to face for half a year now, when they had spend at least half their week together before the lockdown happened. He pecked a kiss onto her forehead before the two of them decided to break their embrace. They had two weeks ahead to find time to catch up and talk about everything and nothing.

„Wow, I had expected you to be a bit shorter, I think? Sorry, I didn’t mean it as an insult. But it is so cool to actually meet you.“

„Same here.“ Lucas replied, scratching his arm, as the two stood across from each other a little awkward. Jana and his boyfriend smiling unsure of how to greet each other properly. They only had talked two times over a big group chat, leaving not much time to really get to know each other. And Jana had raised suspicions on their friendship, when she had helped Jens with Lotte’s hair. She must know something. Jens really hoped they would get along together. He wasn’t really afraid that they wouldn’t. Still. 

„Just hug already.“ Luca groaned amused, impatiently pushing Jana a little forward, as everyone watched them stumble into a cautious embrace. That didn’t lasted long at all, but enough for them to all start to laugh.

„Let the poor girl actually eat something, before she won’t make it to tomorrow. Jens, can you help me with her stuff?“ Senne ended the little reunion, all of them gladly moving over to take up almost all the seats available at the table. Yasmina, Zoë and Jana already fallen into some conversation that Jens had no clue about. Robbe and Sander on the other hand apparently did, joining in with their own opinions and questions.

„Sure.“ He agreed and picked back up the heavy bag from Senne’s side. Lord what had this girl brought? Jens wondered, but then remembered their little trip two years prior and how much Jana had packed for a couple of days. 

Lucas had looked a little lost, but was quickly entertained by Milan, leading Jens to feel better about leaving his boyfriend behind, as the two young man took the stairs up to the bigger bedrooms.

### Dec 20th, Sunday 11:15

Jens turned, pulled the blanket up over his face, as he could feel the sun shining into his face. It was so warm and comfortable, he didn’t wished to wake up. But he probably should as he heard someone step on one of the creaking floor boards. The person drew their breath in sharply, when Jens sat up, rubbing his eyes awake, before he opened them to find his boyfriend staring apologetic back at him.

„Hey sorry, I didn’t wanted to wake you.“

„You didn’t, all good.“ „What time is it?“ He yawned, stretching his arms above his head, he felt oddly at peace. Everything was quiet and when he turned his head to his left he could see the sun rays slip through the snow covered trees. He only know really remembered were he was.

„Eleven or something.“ Lucas answered, whispering a little yes under his breath as he pulled his gloves from his bag.

„What?“ 

He looked a little bewildred, grabbing for his phone from beside his pillow to see that Lucas hasn’t been lying. Jens tried really hard to think about the last morning he got to sleep until he woke by himself, if it wasn’t for nightmares or the urge to cry after racing thoughts.

„Yeah, I thought I’d let you sleep in. You derserve it.“

Only then did Jens notice Lucas’s oddly reddish tinted hands, when he sat down at the edge of the bed to lean over to kiss the still sleepy older boy, with awful bedhair and no idea what to do next other than pull himself a little closer.

„I love you.“ Jens whispered against the soft lips pressing back on his, before he leaned his his forehead against the younger boy’s very cold one. Was Lucas freezing or something? 

„I love you, too.“ His boyfriend happily replied, before he pecked another small kiss on the corner on Jens’s lips, before he rose to his feet. „I’m going to head back down, but you can stay longer if you want to. I told the others that you were feeling exhausted from yesterday’s trip and a little bit of headache. Lame answer, I know, but I panicked.“

Jens shook his head, smiling at his silly boyfriend, who grinned at him as he turned to leave their room. It was probably time to for him to start the day as well. He wanted to go out and enjoy at least the couple of hours that they wouldn’t sit in the dark of the winter.

„You getting up?“

„Yeah.“ He nodded, pushing the blankets away, as Lucas opened the door. The wodden floor boards weren’t as cold as Jens had expected them to be under bare feet and the oven dark in the corner. It didn’t mean he immediately grabbed for his socks and a hoodie to throw on. It definitely was a little colder than home in Belgium, Jens felt. They had thought about turning on the oven last night, but it had been late and both of them had practically fallen dead asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows.

„Perfect. If you hurry, you may be able to see these idiots trying to fit the tree through the front door.“ Lucas peeked his head around the door, still overly cheerful. It probably did him just as good to have gotten away from everything as well. And the Jens registred what he had been told.

„Tree?“

„Oh, yes. It was glorious. Sander, Moyo and Senne went out to cut down a christmas tree. You know, to decorate after lunch. They were so bad at it. Luca and me had a great time laughing from the side on the porch.“

„I can imagine.“ Jens replied much amused by the picture forming in his head. This could only end in chaos, Jens was a little sad to have not been able to see it himself, but perhaps Lucas was right and he at least could enjoy the last moments of their friends’s struggle. „Go on, I’ll be down in five.“

„Alright, I’ll see if I can find Robbe somewhere.“ Lucas said, and then his head was gone, when Jens called out for him, looking back out of the window, as he stood by the bed.

„Lucas?“ 

„Yea?“ Apparently the boy hadn’t rushed to get away, as his head was back at the same spot, his body hidden behind the wooden door. There was a light frown on his face though now. A little bit of worry spreading across his expression. Jens didn’t wanted that.

„Let’s go for a little walk later?“

This was better. Lucas’s smile crept back onto his lips, as he nodded at the suggestion. And then his boyfriend was gone, steps quickly putting distance between his boyfriend and their room.

Jens yawned ones more, but got changed and down within the given five minutes or so. The first thing that caought his eyes, was a trail of pine needles, dirt and half melted snow, leaving puddles. A lot of voices filled the house, that came alive, where it had remained rather silent upstairs. There was a warm feeling to it, that Jens couldn’t quite put into words. But it felt good to hear all his friends laughing and arguing and having normal conversation.

And even thought he couldn’t witness his friends heaving in a large tree, he could at least enjoy Moyo trying his best to hold up the tree, while Sander and Senne loudly discussed how to best secure the whole thing, to be able to decorate it afterwards.

„You are all doing great!“ Milan cheered at the boys, from where he sat at the dinning table next to Zoë and Yasmina. Jens decided that they were probably the best people to ask.

„Have you seen Lucas, somewhere?“ Jens actually had expected to see his boyfriend around as well, but couldn’t see him, not even outside and the door was shut. Put then Lucas had searched for his gloves, so maybe had gone out?

„Good morning to you too. That exhausted, huh?“ Milan wore a look on his face, that certainly coudln’t be read as innocent as he wiggled his brows at him. This was probably something he needed to deal with a lot from now on. It was a little amusing, but he didn’t wanted to add fuel to the fire. 

So Jens sighed, rolling his eyes at the oldest between them. Zoe and Yasmina thankfully seemed oblivious to their exchange, as the girls were busy trying to figure out, where they had seen his boyfriend.

„I think he went with Robbe, Luca and Jana on the search for decorations to hang up. Lights, and tree decorations mainly. They said something about a basement, I think.“ Zoë replied, a relaxed smile on her lips, as she nipped from her coffee mug, her attention briefy shifting towards the three boys almost being crushed by a falling tree.

„They are going to kill themselves at this rate.“ Yasmina sighed, Moyo flipping her off, as he was back on tree holding duty, loudly yelled at by Sander for doing a poor job.

Jens felt oddly warmed by the thought that Lucas fitted in so well with them. It had worried him a little yesterday, when everyone was talking over each other and all with Jana, catching up, throwing in old momeories and jokes. Lucas sat through it all with a smile and interest, but he had looked lost to the situation, as he couldn’t really join in with them. Jens had tried to explain a couple of references here and there, but it was not much of a help. So he felt much better to hear that Lucas figured out himself how to fit in, while Jens had slept through the whole morning.

It reminded him, that he probably should get something small to eat and perhaps follow Zoë ’s example and get himself a some coffee.

It was also the moment that the lost four firends reappeared carrying two very large boxes labeled christmas.

„Finally, you rose from the dead!“ Jana loudly shouted from halfway across the room, leaving Robbe and Lucas to carry the decorations, while she joined Jens in his quest for coffee.

„Jens, you have to help us though with the lights, we wanted to put some on the porch and the windows.“ 

„Sure, let me just grab something to eat.“ Jens agreed to Robbe, dropping the box by the end of the dinning table, Yasmina eager to open it up and pull out all the things inside to spread them across the wooden surface.

### Dec 21st, Monday 14:37

The scent of vanilla and cinnemon swirled in the warmth of the air, between giggles and talks and a rustling fireplace. Heavy heat steaming from it as it was stocked with new large logs by Senne. Right before the young man went to cuddle up next to his girlfriend on the sofa.

Jens let his gaze wander over from them to Lucas, reading the backcover of a book that Aaron recommended him. He was smiling over the short funny summary apparently, his lips curling up into a pleasent expression, that made Jens feel a soft flutter in his heart. It got harder not to just walk up to take him into his arms whenever it pleased him.

There were stolen glances and hidden kisses. Them falling back behind the group on their walk up the mountain through the woods yesterday. Only for Jens to make out with him under the covering branches of a large pinetree. Yesterday Jens had found a little note in the pocket of his hoodie from Lucas. A ripped piece of paper, showing a scribbled heart and a little love declaration on it, carefully folded over twice. He had no idea when his boyfriend had slipped it in, but apparently he had, as he found Lucas had humored him with a gorgeous grin from across the room.

„Why do you look so smitten?“ Jana joked next to him, nudging his arm with her shoulder.

„Huh?“ He very cleverly provided, causing Jana to forget her oily hands from the dough she had just knead for a second. He had a hard time not laughing when she yelped in surprise from having smeared it across her face, in an attempt to scratch her nose.

„I have no idea what you are talking about.“ 

His defense was weak. He knew that. She knew that. But Jana didn’t pushed it, trying to rid her face from little chunks of a not yet fully mixed dough.

„Let me.“ 

She readily excepted his help, sticking her face up to him as her hands fell to her sides. This ridiculous girl, Jens thought as his fingers brushed over her cheeks.

„Look at you, being all flirty.“ Moyo teased from the chair he sat on, next to Luca who grinned just as brightly. His eyes darted instantly towards Lucas. He wasn’t worried that his boyfriend would consider it, he just wanted to able to have his boyfriend look back at him, as he did. The smile on both their faces unwavering.

If Jana had seen it, she hadn’t commented on it, as she glared at their friend, calling him stupid in at least ten different ways.

His little moment shared with Lucas quickly was broken off though, as a screaming Robbe run between them. Sander chasing after his boyfriend with a malicious laugh and flour covered hands.

„Robin!“ He wheezed getting closer, before Robbe took a turn around the table.

„I swear to god, Sander, if you do this, I’ll break up with you.“

The empty threat accompanied by Milan and Amber falling into their sing along to a christmas song, that had just begun to play from the tv speakers. This truly was their odd version of a cheesy christmas rom-com, like Senne had promised.

„Sander!“ Robbe shrieked, pulling at Jens’s arm to seek cover behind him. Thus Jens suddenly found himself face to face with the maniac Sander could be at times. The boy halted in his step, cautiously leaning over, the smirk high on his face. Jens decided that he had nothing to do with this.

„Nope, I’m not getting showered in flour by your boyfriend. Figure it out.“ Jens said and swiftly stepped out of the way with his hands hold up in surrender. His best friend could fend for himself.

Or not. Because a moment later Sander had grabbed the fleeing boy, lifting him into the air by his middle. They both laughing amused as Robbe stopped wiggling and instead kissed fhis boyfriend lazily. It always felt a little wrong to watch them, as they never seemed to care much about an audience. Robbe’s toes found ground and his body immediately pressed back against the door of the fridge.

„Well I guess, Robbe isn’t going to help us roll out the dough anytime soon.“ Yasmina sighed, but her expression was one of love for her two friends, before she took the bowl Jana had handed her, over to the table. The wodden surface already cleared and covered in flour, ready for them to cut out the christmas cookies. Jens was quick to offer his services as he followed them. He wasn’t big of a baker, but he promised himself to do this with Lotte next year, so perhaps he could learn from this. Perhaps this could become a little tradition for the two siblings.

„I want to help too. Wait.“ Lucas declared, walking up next to Jens, too close to be accidental, as he felt their hands brushing together before Jens took the rolling pin to get started. There was vanilla and cinnemon in the air as much as all the love shared between the chaotic group of friends.

### Dec 21st, Monday 17:10

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/638128793397133313/dec-21st-monday-1710)

### Dec 21st, Monday 19:49

They had just finished the dessert, Aaron talking about his grandmother’s horrible duck cooking accident from years ago, when that became a family classic joke. Much to everyone’s amusement listening to it now. Jens laughed with them, before he remembered what he had sworn himself do do before the night would arrive. Perhaps it was a bad idea, but at the same time, it could just be as easily taken in and wrote off, like it had been in Utrecht. Lucas sat next to him., Picking the last pieces of fruit from his plate. They had talked about it for the twenty minutes they had escaped up to their room before dinner.

Jens had decided to do it. This shouldn’t be hard. It wasn’t the first time.

So he cleared his throat from the end of the table, that he sat at, all eyes turning towards him. The group was as puzzled as they were suddenly curious, when they waited for him to speak up. For the briefest moment he wanted to simply blame an not-existent lump in his throat. Would have been easy to shrug them off. 

Instead he straightened his back and got up to follow through with the plan. This was awkward right? But to stay sat on his seat felt wrong.

„Okay, so the last two days were great, but also a goddamn hassel, to be honest.“ He proclaimed with a soft smile on his lips, while he nervously combed through his hair. He obviously didn’t meant that the time spent with his friends had had it downsides. Well maybe, he did. „Because I really came here to relax and enjoy christmas and just...“ He quickly paused, the stares settling into the back of his mind. Was it a good idea to let the anxious voice tell him it was a real stupid idea from the start? 

„What I’m trying to say is, that you need to know something.“

Alright. This definitely furthered the curiousity, now tenfold, as everyone even put their forks and phones down. All attention focused in on him. 

„Okay. What is it?“ Luca said first, Milan next to her definitely figuring out where this was heading, as he grinned in encouragement. Nodding at Jens to continue. 

„Ehem...“

„Yes?“

„So, I’m... I’m...“

Sander hit his forehead, briefly letting everyone glance over at him. But he close to immediately apologised, to gesture back to the stumbling mess that Jens was, Why was it that hard? His friends wouldn’t judge. They wouldn’t mind. Yet, he couldn’t shake the tension off. It was quite frustrating.

„Bro, you got a stroke?“ Moyo of course speaking his unfiltred mind, looked at Jens with irritation. He loved him as much as he hated him for it. Right now it made Jens snort, before he remembered again why he had started to talk in the first place.

Helplessly his eyes wandered off to his side, looking at Lucas, gently pleading for him to tell them instead.

„Seriously?“ Lucas inquired. That wasn’t part of the plan, but Jens feared he may just give up right here and now. His boyfriend sighed softly, nonetheless mouthing a toneless „Okay“, before he turned around to face the group of friends. All eyes now on Lucas.

„Well, what our beloved Jens here tries to say is...“ The younger boy paused in the realisation of ten pairs of eyes stuck to his words. „Fuck.“ Lucas suddenly declared, just as he started laughing. The curse rather uncharachteristically for him. Maybe Jens was rubbing off on him already. However that unfortunately wasn’t much of help at all. Someone remind him why he was so madly in love with Lucas? Though the sheer amusement in his boyfriend’s face, letting Jens’s heart beat faster in his chest, probably was reason enough. Damn him.

„I can’t either.“ Lucas managed to get over his lips, as he looked back at Jens, who himself cackled in turn. What a mess they were. Apparently Sander agreed on that, stitting grining next to Robbe, who himself lost it. Robbe covering his mouth behind both his hands.

„Wow, guys, honestly?“ Sander said with a shook his head. His amusment not diminished by the fact that neither Jens nor Lucas had gotten anywhere closer to their coming out.

„Okay, okay!“ Jens shouted over the laughs, that confused anyone who hadn’t been in on their secret relationship by now. Tghey were his group of friends. In the end it really should be him talking. He smirked down at Lucas, while he stretched out his hand, in a silent gesture for the younger boy to take it. This time very much visible on top of the table. Lucas did, their fingers interwining perfectly, out of habit almost. This was what they did right? To give support. To show to be there for each other. No matter what.

„Lucas and me, we are together.“

Dead silence.

One could have heard a pin drop to their feet.

„You are joking right?“ Moyo asked gobsmacked, gaping at them in sheer disbelief. He didn’t hold it against his friend, after years of practically talking in awful detail about his female conquests and romantic interests. It was instantly followed by Zoë asking the one thing everyone was wondering about. „If you actually mean that, since when?“

„Like the second he walked into our school.“ Jens confidently explained, earning him a smack by his boyfriend to his right. He grinned very proudly, while winking at Lucas over the cheesy line. It always managed to get the younger boy flustered.

„Not far off, but it took like a week longer. I’m not that easy to wow“ Lucas said, as if that was doing him anysort of favour. Jens was pretty sure, if they would have made out on day one, nothing would have changed for them in the long run. Lucas had fallen just as fast for the older boy, like Jens had in turn.

„If it helps you sleep at night to believe that.“ Jens teased, but dully noted that he still had all their friends watching. This was very much different from them two having a house mostly to themselfes. So he quickly tried to continue. „That would be two month almost. We didn’t really set a date, we just kinda were boyfriends one day.“

Lucas agreed with a strong nod. They may as well have been together since their fingers hold onto each other in a silent moment of an early, rainy sunday.

„That reminds me.“ 

Without much more planed to say, he pulled Lucas up from his seat. The chair scraping across the floor, when his boyfriend lost his balance for the tiniest moment, instantly caught by Jens. His right hand pulled Lucas’s face close, only to bring their lips together and kiss him relentless. He was very proud of his smooth safe, after having feared to see Lucas fall to the floor. Like this he got to taste the wine on his boyfriend’s tounge and the fingers digging into the skin of his neck.

„God. I wanted to do this for weeks.“ Jens gently said as they pulled apart, his eyes only knowing Lucas’s blue ones staring back at him entranced.

„Kiss me? We literally did that an hour ago.“

„Yes, but no. I mean infront of everyone. I just...“ 

Just what? Jens wasn’t sure. A little happy to finally show off his beautiful boyfriend? Perhaps to show the happiness he got from having him? It all seemed not deep enough, for the profound love he felt at the moment.

„Want the world to see us?“ Lucas provided, with a glint in his eyes, that may turned his comment into a light quib at Jens’s usual cheesy flirtations. But he wouldn’t allow Lucas the pleasure of getting him flustered for once. So he leaned his forehead against Lucas’s and closed his eyes.

„Yes. Something like that.“

Both boys quietly chuckling under their breath.

Only broken by at least three voices shouting at them, flabbergasted.

„What the fuck?!“

### Dec 22nd, Tuesday 13:08

There was a long missed lightness in his movements as he carefully tiptoed through the fair powdered snow, He sunk in deeper with each step on his way over to Lucas, who stood with Robbe and Yasmina just a little up the drive way.

He adored the soft yelp his boyfriend made when he slung his arms around his waist from behind. Only to bury his cold nose in the little gap between the brim of the younger boy’s woolen hat and the white scarf tightly wrapped around his neck. It left the tiniest bit of pale skin below his ear exposed. Just enough for Jens to peck a gentle kiss to.

„Go away. You are cold.“ His boyfriend complained, while he gladly leaned back into the embrace, with a soft laugh on his lips. Why hadn’t Jens said it earlier, this was so much easier to be able to seek out Lucas whenever he needed him close. Especially without any other reason than to feel their bodies together as one. Though that had been true for almost all the days of the past weeks, as they remained unvariably at home due to the restrictions. It still felt different.

They swayed lightly from side to side, Lucas carrying on his conversation as if nothing had happened. Their two friends watching the couple with a large grin present on their faces. Last night’s after-dinner-announcement still fresh in everyone’s mind. Many questions postponed towards another day, as it all felt too much. Yet all three were quick to fall back into easy conversation for Jens to just be able to silently listen to them.

There were still the tiniest snowflakes dancing across his vision, covering all of their heads and shoulders, as they stood inmidst an all-engulfing white. Only the dark green pine trees and brown wooden cabin peaking out at places. The cars were draped in the new layer of snow from last night. The pure white was almost blinding, if it wasn’t for the heavy clouds hanging up in the sky.

It looked peaceful as it lay undisturbed for the greater parts.

Jana and Amber were giggling to the groups right, as they had thrown themselfes into the snow wailing their arms about in an up and down motion, before they went to do these silly snow angles. He watched them amused for a while, before he was hit by something with a faint thud as it fell apart on contact.

A snowball, he noted surprised.

He went to straighten up, turning his head around to find Aaron, Moyo and Sander smirking up at him in a clear challange, as the three boys crouched in knee-deep snow. Ready to grab enough to form more. His lips curled up without much thought. Sure, if that is what they wanted, they better got prepared.Jen’s arms briefly tightened their grip on his boyfriend’s middle, before he left him to get revenge on the insidious attack from behind. Almost cowardly in it’s execution.

He ducked out of the way from Sander’s, got hit in the shoulder by Aaron’s, and just when he was close enough Jens launch himself forwards to tackle Moyo to the ground. Not a second too late before he would have recieved a direct hit to his face. 

„Eat snow, looser.“ Jens shouted, the two of them fighting amidst the snow they rolled in, before he got off and to the side. If only to give the the poor boy wheezing high as a tea kettle some needed air, as Moyo wrestled for breath, and pushed himself up from the ground.

Moyo was on his feet not a moment later, hunched over, still huffing air. It didn’t kept him from looking up at Jens, pressing a playful threat between his teeth for Jens to better run fast.

He didn’t needed to be told twice, before he rushed to run into the covert of the trees infront of him. Sander following him to team up with against the other two boys.

They stopped soon after when they passed the trunk of an especially large pine, just wide enough to work for cover and have time to collect snow into their gloved hands. They shouldn’t stray far from the cabin, it was close to impossible to figure out a way back without any hints between the alikness of their surroundings. Him and Lucas had almost gotten lost on their little walk on sunday without meaning to, straying of the path. That had been scary enough.

There was a little sound as the bark on the side turned white under the impact of a snow ball flung at full speed. Jens briefly flinched, tilting his head to peep around the tree and find a mob of brown curled hair, that only could belong to one boy.

With a grin, he gave his little weapon a better shape and jumped out from his cover to put all his strenght into his arm. The satisfaction of seeing it land on target, was plastered smugly across his face. Aaron’s head peeked up startled with a brisk shake of his head. Like the first second of surfacing from water.

„Nice!“ Sander shouted, softly punching Jens’s arm, when the older boy screamed curses a moment later, busy to brush off a decent amount of snow from his jaw. Apparently they hadn’t see Moyo sneaking up to them, with Aaron as a distraction.

The two boys threw each other a pointed look, confidently nodding in agreement, before they bellowed lowly. Announcing their imminent counterattack. Both running off into the open, straight ahead towards their enemies, still laughing in tears. Though their faces in an instant turned to horror, when theynoticed the mad boys closing in with a roar from their throats. Moyo and Aaron took off in utter panic, traying to get away as soon as they could.

They really were children again, stuck at ten. Shouting apologies, when they almost run into Senne and Milan standing by the corner of the proch, with cups off tea, as they watched Luca and Zoë dressing their poor excuse of a snowman with a scarf. The two accepting the boisterous complaints a moment later, when Sander jumped last minute over Jana lying in the snow.

„Sorry!“ 

The older boy called back, already far enough that the girl couldn’t reach him no longer. So Jana resulutely jumped to her feet, in order to follow them, still chasing Moyo and Aaron in circles around the cabin, that was blissfully tucked into a white winter.

### Dec 23rd, Wednesday 15:21

[(insta post/chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/638303177645654016/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Dec 23rd, Wednesday 17:45

„Tell them, I said hi.“

„It is really nice, you have no idea. I’ll send you pictures later.“

„Tell them, I said hi, Jens.“

„Shh.“ He huffed a laugh under his breath, trying to keep his voice steady as he was under the brazen attack of fingers poking his side, in a quest to tickle the poor older boy talking on the phone. „Sorry, we need to go, We are watching a film..mhm...uh...absolutely.“

„Jens.“ His boyfriend whined, having listened in on the whole conversation, when Jens had left the group to pick up his mom’s call. She had texted him a little time ahead, to not have her son get overly worried about her name lighting up on his screen. He was very thankful for the consideration on his mother’s part, as he surely would have suffered a small stroke form an unannounced call. But like this it had been very pleasent to catch up and hear his mom’s voice be drowned out by Lotte screaming at them in the background. Apparently all was well.

„Oh and Lucas misses and loves you very dearly, from the bottom of his heart, I’m ordered to tell you.“

„I said to tell them hi. What the hell?“ 

Lucas was giggling into the hoodie of Jens, as he buried his face in his chest. Jens just grinned down at the curls of hair that he went to rest his chin on. He smiled at the flustered boy, it probably looked quite cheesy from the outside. But the comfortably felicity that rushed through his vains, made him not care for anything other than the happiness of the people closest to him.

Oh lord, he was in deep, wasn’t he? Someone punch him, right now.

„My mom says, that they love and miss you as well. I think they like you more than me.“ Jens added in jest to the iteration of his mother’s words. ‘Oh for sure’, was the audacious comment he recieved in turn from the woman at the other end, leaving Jens to gape at his screen, when he quickly pulled it back to check if the caller hadn’t changed. The betrayal, Jens thought amused as he answered, with a feigned pout on his lips. „What, no mom, I’m your favourite.“

The laugh was addictive that echoed from the speaker by his ear. He couldn’t not chime back at her just as cheerfully. „Alright, talk to you soon. I promise! Love you too.“

He hung up and lowered the phone to his side, to let it slip into his sweats’s pocket, before he also slung the second arm around his boyfriend bodies to squeeze him tightly. Even against the yelping complaints, that only doubled, when he briefly lifted the boy off the ground in an attempt to carry him back towards the living room. But as Lucas just wouldn’t stop wiggling in his arms, he let him down three wobbling steps in.

„You are an idiot.“ Lucas grinned, his laugh stifled by Jens leaning in to kiss him into silence. 

„Can someone get the remote?“ Luca shouted from the corner of the sofa enwrapped in a blanket that hid all but her face away. It was a challenge to still be able to find some space inbetween the group waiting for the two boys to join. Jens let go of the younger boy, his eyes darting towards the tv, where the remote rested just infront of it on the floor. Picking it up, he threw it over, gently enough that it wouldn’t hurt if it accidently hit.some unlucky soul. To his surprise though Luca catched it with ease, blowing him a thankful kiss in return.

„Why are we watching ‘Rise of the guardians’ again?“ 

Lucas took the place next to Jens on the floor, that was barely visible under the wild mix of blankets and pillows, all stolen from every room to create one ginormous cushion. All of them scatered across the makeshift bed. It was quite cosy to snuggle up with everyone else infront of the tv next to the burning fireplace. 

„It’s tradition.“ Robbe quickly explained, smirking up from where his head rested on his boyfriend’s chest next to Jens on the floor. „It also stars Sander.“

„What?“

„The main character, jack frost, was a brown haired boy before it turned white. Sander also dressed up as Sinterklaas. So yeah. Ignore them.“ Jens explained, dodging Sander’s elbow that was about to dig into him.

They had watched this movie last year at the flatshare. It was the main cause for everyone’s excitment to watch it, when Aaron had suggested it over breakfast. Today had been an especially snowy day, the freezing east-wind blowing vigorous, enough to keep everyone huddled up inside. It wasn’t storming per se, but it was close. 

Thus the perfect day to enjoy one film after the other. They already had watched ‘Home alone’ and ‘Die Hard’ for all the different reasons that didn’t matter. And now, after a break to prepare a new round of tea and have plates refilled with chocolates and cookies, they turned on the next film. Rise of the Guardians.

„I’m already sold.“ Lucas joked, winking over Jens’ head at Sander, flipping him off through a joyful chuckle. He felt the younger boy leaning into his side, the head just pressed against his side by side. He unwrapped one of the small chocolate angles, letting it melt on his tounge, as his eyes watched the film’s opening. The wind almost no longer audible, as the music dwelled up and was all that filled the dim lit room.

### Dec 23rd, Wednesday 23:34

Jens passed the second glass of dark red wine along, the bottle on the low table infront of them now empty. It was the one that, left a heavy fruity note in the back of his mouth, so he had stolen the last available bottle for them to to enjoy over the course of the evening. The hands readily accepting the offer with a soft mumbled thanks, before he joined the girl’s side on the sofa, both warmly snuggled under a blanket infront of the fire. His left arm snuck thoughtlessly around Jana’s shoulder, with an old familarity, completely void of all the time that had passed between then and now. It was easy to have her tug herself close to him.

The fairy lights drapped across the christmas tree and window frames shone a lovely yellowish orange light, fitting the burning flames of the fire place and scattered candles perfectly.

A moment of silence settled between them as they watched the others sit in different places, some still lying on the floor starring up the ceiling, some gathered by the kitchen counter, and Robbe and Sander nowhere in sight for a while now. After hours of watching movies and a quick made dinner of pasta, the serenity of the night finally took over. Zoë and Amber happily presenting the group with a couple of wines from the cellar to let the day come to an end. Bottles that definitely cost more than Jens’s weekly grocery trip.

„You really do look good together.“ Jana smiled over the edge of the glass, before she took a sip.

„Who, me and Lucas?“ 

„Duh, or do you see someone else on the side?“ She rolled her eyes, the lips curling up into a smirk, at his own clueless reply.

„Never.“He swiftly said in protest of such a nonsensical suggestion. Yes, true, he’d done it before, however that only meant he had learned from it. Jens may had been that stupid years ago to cheat on Brit, but he’d vow to never do that again.

Jana only laughed, assuring him that she was simply joking and didn’t mean to make any accusations, which in return let Jens lightöy shake his head, the bright smile back on his lips.

„I’m still completely dumstrucked by you dating Lucas. Like have you thought about boys before? I’ve never seen you a single time voice interest or chek some dude out. Like were you bi or whatever when we were together.“ Jana rambled happily away, perhaps a little easy on the tounge by the pleasent tipsy feeling, both enjoyed greatly. „Sorry, you don’t have to talk about it.“

„It’s fine. And I never talked about it, because I never had these thoughts before. Or at least not conciously. It was strangly easy to accept that I was attracted to Luc. Too fucking easy. But I guess I never had an adversion towards it ever before.“

Which was quite true. He never had felt it to be wrong with someone of the same or any gender. Not when they had met Milan nor later when Robbe had come out to him and began to date Sander. It simply didn’t occur to him that it could be wrong. It also didn’t mean that he had thought of himself to be not as straight as he self-confidently had expected.

„Why him then?“

Why Lucas then? That was one of the larger questions that he still hadn’t managed to find an answer to. Though it didn’t needed one in the first place. Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes it is just right. He didn’t needed an answer to know to choose and love his boyfriend.

„I don’t know.“ Jens began pondering, his fingers tapping against the belly of the wine glas he hold onto, before he continued. „His eyes at first I think, but then everything else. He was just there from one minute to the next. Luc is kind and funny and. And he is close to everything I needed and still do need, I guess.“

Jana smiled into the glass she drank from again, he saw it as his eyes darted over, self-concious of talking about it. But she had asked. And she was important to him. He wanted her to understand him.

„You are a fucking simp.“ She chuckled softly. „This is so weird to think about though.“ She halted, her head tilting over a little to be able to look up at Jens from his shoulder. „Can I tell you something?“

„Sure.“

He replied without a thought. Yet did found himself a little worried by the expression Jana wore on her face. It wasn’t really sad, nor confused. It was just a little uncertain perhaps about her resolution to bring it up in the first place. And soon he knew why. He hadn’t expected it.

„So back in summer, before I left, I actually had thought of asking you out again. Like we were texting so much. And at least once you have fallen asleep on me on a late night call. I don’t know. I had thought... Well, but with the move I brushed the feeling off to get over you. And I actually did. Woohoo. The distance helped a lot, like a lot a lot.“

His eyes widened at her words, letting them sink into his mind before he couldn’t help but cackle as she ended her little confession. She gently hit him back-handed across the chest, wiggling her finger infront of him.

„Stop it! It’s not that funny, asshole.“ She took it lightly though, cracking up as well at his growing laughter.

„It is.“ He managed between futile tries to calm himself down. „It is because, well, kinda same.“

„Seriously? You are kidding, right?“ 

The two burst into a new set of giggles at the realisation. Jens truly would have taken her back. He knew he would have on the spot. Despite everything they had been through, he never had stopped longing for her. Until some boy decided to take over every sense and thought that was. Now it was almost unimaginable to see himself next to Jana. It was so very wrong in every way.

„Nope.“ He shook his head. It was the truth after all. „But can I be honest too?“

„Of course.“

Jens took a deep breath. This wasn’t easy to admit, he didn’t liked the idea of pulling them down from the cheery high they were on right now. He had contemplated it quite often when the relationship with Lucas was still uncertain and fresh, and feelings were perhaps a little more confusing.

„Don’t be mad, but I’m really glad we didn’t get back together. I don’t think we would have worked even after the long break. We are not that good for each other.“ Their eyes were caught in a shared gaze, as he spoke about it out loud for the first time. He hadn’t even told Lucas or Robbe about it. Jana nodded understandingly. „I promise to always love you. Perhaps in some other universe we would have gotten back together and grown from it and lived a happy life. But I am so, so fucking grateful to have met Luc. You wouldn’t understans. He is the right one for me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love him.“

Jana snorted, chuckling all over again.

„You sappy ass. Why does he get to have you like this?“

„Sorry? Come again?.“ His amusement was visible behind the puzzled look he threw at her rethorical question, she had left off with a sigh.

„I mean, over the last couple of days I’ve noticed that you had changed. It’s so obvious, Jens. To the better, trust me. You are strangly calmer, helping out around with cooking and cleaning. No one even has to ask you, when you start to wash the dishes. I remember how vehemently you ignored all of your responsibilities when we were together. I had to get mad at you before you lifted a finger. And now that I see how you treat Lucas. There is just so much devotion in your words and actions. I may be a bit jealous that I didn’t get to have you like this, I guess. All I got was a lying, smoking and drinking asshole. Ghosting me for days on end, forgetting dates.“

„I still forget dates.“ He quickly interrupted. He got the picture. He knew who he was before. Jens didn’t needed a reminder. „Difference is that I have Luc around now to remind me of everything. He has this brillant memory, you know. Enough for both of us.“

Jens’s joke, wasn’t really one. Lucas actually was that brilliant at times. And he did help Jens to remind him of random things, that needed to be done. Not always, but often. 

„You look very domestic, true.“ 

Her eyebrow quirked up with the smirk grazing her lips, as she considered the light reddish tint settling on his cheeks. If he’d be asked, he’d blame the wine.

„Has it’s reason, we basically live together. It kinda wasn’t a coincidence that he was around when I had my little breakdown over Lotte’s braids.“

„Yeah right.“

Jana didn’t seem to believe him quite yet, sipping her wine, as she dramaticall rolled her eyes, he pulled her little closer, not even sure why. However his hand hold tightly onto her, where it rested on her back, right under her shoulder.

„No, really, he for the most time does. It is scary sometimes to think about it. I’m fucking afraid at how right it feels, despite the fast pace. But he has a lot of stuff already scattered everywhere around my place.“

It definitely made Jana’s face fall into brief disbelief, only recovering when Jens didn’t went on. It seemed that she began to understand that it wasn’t meant as a joke, but was quite genuine in it’s confession.

„And your mom?“ Oh right, that probably would be an issue for most people. With her almost never actually around, it didn’t really felt related to each other in his mind. Odd how he hadn’t realised that sooner.

„Uhm, she doesn’t mind Luc around at all.“ He truthfully explained. „They get along way too well, actually. She knew before I even had the courage to come out to her. I belive she is big on team Lucas.“ Jens tried his hardest to keep his throat from tightening up. Pondering and speaking about his mom was hard, even harder when he noted that he hadn’t really thought about her for a while. The call earlier that day had been rather in an upbeat mood.

„I don’t think I ever got to meet your mom when we were a couple. Before yes, and afterwards once, but not when we were together.“ Jana declared softly, herself eager to try and think back to that time. But it had been almost two years ago. Sometimes it was hard to remember what actually had or hadn’t happened between them. Memories were a fickle thing.

„Really?“

„Really.“

Jens would have sworn, she had been introduced as his girlfriend to his mom at one point. But apparently this was were he was wrong. He felt a little bad for that. Jana definitely had asked him for that, she would have deserved it too. Well, too late now.

„Sorry. Honestly. Though Luc and me actually had breakfast with both our moms together, like, three weeks, I think.“

„What? For real? That’s too damn fast to already have wholesome family gatherings. Who are you?“ Jana was back, snorting loudly without regard for the dumfounded face he made. But he joined in shortly after. It did feel very much like a thing Jens wouldn’t agree to. He couldn’t even remember who had suggested it. Something with getting to the hospital, Jens figured.

„I know.“ He grinned with a wiggle of his brows.

„I definitely expect the wedding invitation within a month from now.“ Jana joked cheery, laughing harder at his wink.

„I’ll keep you posted.“ He promised, when an arm snuck around his waist and a body pressed closer to the free side next to him, opposite of Jana.

„Who is getting married?“ Lucas curiously asked as he happily cuddled up to Jens, stealing his glass away to take a rather large sip. Absolutely shameless, Jens thought, watching the smirk his boyfriend gave him in return.

„We are.“ Jens declared, pecking a kiss to the younger boy’s lips. All while he tried to sound as confident as possible, before he lost it and laughed. Jana and Lucas joining in soon after.

„Are we now? Okay.“ Lucas nodded through his ridiculous attempt to accept the proposal, pushing the wine back towards Jens. Just before he claimed his boyfriend’s other shoulder, still free of it’s apparently only function to provide a subsitute for a pillow. 

„Bro, seriously? How the fuck do you do this? I’m still single and you get showered in affection. Even from your ex.“ Moyo complained loudly, a disgruntled groan supporting his words. Milan nodded next to him, slinging his arm around the bewildred boy, who had been unable to slip away fast enough.

„Agreed. He falls in deep love for the first time with one gorgeous boy, and just get’s him with a snap of his fingers.“ Milan sighed as upset as Moyo to his left. Even though everyone knew that neither of them weren’t happy for their friend’s relationships. Hell! Three month ago, Jens would have fitted perfectly inmidst them. Milan only pouted. „Damn, I’m lonely.“

### Dec 24th, Thursday 20:27

„Why are you staring?“

He laughed as he turned to find the eyes that had dug into the back of his head for a while now. Lucas definitely had been in thought as he startled awake from his daze, smiling sheepishly at the older boy from where he leaned against the counter opposite of the oven.

„Marvelling at beauty.“ 

Apparently it hadn’t taken his boyfriend long to find his usual confidence again, blushing at his own words the moment he realised that they weren’t alone in the cabin. It was quickly followed by an audile mix of aww’s and ooh’s and Jens calling him an idiot. Not that he didn’t believe that Lucas found Jens beautiful or something very similar. It was just the easy habit of exaggerating their comliments, since they had begun to spoke to each other. At times just to tease and make the other laugh, at other times to advert from discomfort to put their feelings and thoughts into words.

„Stop.“ Jens simpy said, throwing the kitchen cloth into Lucas’s face instead, before checking up on the oven again. It looked surprisingly well and it would be done in a couple of minutes. Ready to be served and hopefully blow his friend’s minds. Zoe and Amber were practically doing everything else, so it wasn’t just his dinner to brag over, but he felt like he did the most important work here.

„I can’t and don’t want to.“ Lucas declared cocky, a brazen smirk tugged to the corner of his lips.

„Oh, fuck off.“ Jens snorted, turning off the heat to open and take out the two perfectly brown roasted ducks. He’d never done this before, but gotten his grandmother’s instructions, and it already smelled fantastic. He hoped that it would taste just as delicious, if only to put one over on Moyo. His friend had actually straight-up laughed in his face, when Jens had told them, that he had planned to cook for all of them on christmas.

„Here take this over, I’ll be right with you.“ Jens said, passing him the sauce pan from the stove, that only was a tiny bit runny. Enough for him though to hate it, and realise right away that he probably shouldn’t get emotional over some messed up gravy.

„This looks really good. Are you cooking often?“ Zoe asked curiously, peeking over his shoulder as he tried to transfere the two ducks from the baking dish onto the two plates to serve them. „Because if you do, I’ll take it personally that I hadn’t known til now.“

He grinned, stepping aside for Amber to hover over one of the plates to decorate them with some orange and apple slices, before she did the same to the second.

„Only recently.“ Jens remarked as he yawned and went to take the finished plate over to the loud cheers by everyone seated impatiently at the large dinner table. 

Finally they could eat. Jens decided that four hours of cooking were definitely three too many. He felt as hunrgy as these eyes were devouring the food through a gaze alone. And though everyone had just this one thought to dig in and kill their hunger, they were halted by Senne getting up from his seat.

„I’ll keep it short. Promise.“ He stated amused after Aaron and Luca both groaned. A unison ‘come on’ escaping their lips. „I just wanted to say, that I am really happy to be here. And of course for all of you to have come too. We definitely know that this year hadn’t been great in too many ways to list now. But we are here and yeah, I’m not even sure where I wanted to go with this. Just thank you, I guess. I love you all. Enjoy.“

“We love you, too.”

Senne laughed at the group’s instant reply, sitting back down, when Milan leaned in to peck a kiss on his cheek, delighted by the little speech. It also meant that twentyfour arms were busy shoveling food onto plates and bowls, and fill glasses to the brim with wine and beer. And some disgusting smelling dark liquor that Robbe and Jana had sworn on. Only Yasmina and Sander kept away from alcohol tonight, happily sharing the bottle of coke the set in between them.

Jens had felt a little wrong about drinking first. Mainly because for two month he hadn’t really gotten drunk, nor tried to, in order to be sober enough to be there for Lotte and his mom. But they weren’t here and yesterday had been kinda nice to allow himself more than one or two glasses. The light drunkness he had felt stumbling upstairs and into bed with Lucas, tipsy on his heels, was so extremly pleasent. Even better to watch the mellow red tinted lips, and share lazy kisses that lulled them into comfortable affinity.

„Cheers!“ Sander yelled across the table, his glass raised high. Soon joined by the choir of voices shouting back at him.

„Cheers!“

### Dec 25th, Friday 15:32

„Okay, like, I love the idea of everyone just gifting random shit. But who the hell gave me a wrapped pack of butter?“

Jens sat on the floor, just to the right of the christmas tree, holding the butter in his hands with an accusatory look around the room. Whoever had done it, must probably be easily detactable in his presumed glee. However he only found half of his friends laughing madly at him, while at least two other presented the group with their gifted butter, only amplifying the other’s to complete loose it.

It had been like this right off from the start, there were so many small presents and all of them really weird. Sander got a single yellow sock, that definitely was too small for anyone to fit. Jana recieved an old iPhone charger, that was comletely useless. But it also was of no use to Jens, that’s why he had packed it in the first place. They didn’t all gifted bad stuff. There was some lipstick, that Senne got, but Yasmina exchanged for a bottle of vodka. Someone got a whole box of chocolates and Lucas grabbed the tiniest present of them all to get a little note, that apparently was something very good or nice, but the boy couldn’’t tell or show to anyone. 

They didn’t even do a secret santa. It was more or less just a bunch of good and awful wrapped christmas presents under the tree and everyone got to choose one on their turn, as they went around counterclockwise. The laughter, wheezing and giggles had picked up volume and intensitiy which each new package opened.

They had planned to do the unwrapping this morning, but the sun had come out for the first time in days, witha bright blue sky and the snow glistened mesmerizingly radiant. The whole scenery looked like a fairytail scene of a movie or a painting. They practically gulped down their breakfast in a fifteen minute hurry, only to run out and enjoy the weather while it lasted.

Senne and Milan, on top of it all, presented the group with two sledges, some skis and snowboards that were stored in some dark corner of the basement. So therefore they hiked up the mountain for an hour to a little slope they knew of from their first walk together. They boys were on each other in an instance, fighting for snowboard time privileges, as all of them were eager to get their chance to try them out. 

It was a lot of fun, and Jens only regreted that one uncontrolled turn that made him crush into Robbe. And his stupid pointy elbow he dug into Jens’s thigh as they fell, leaving an actual ugly dark bruise on his skin, as they later found out when they got back and changed into more cozy attire. Apart from that, they made it without injury and enough energy spend to now gladly sit lazily around the christmas tree and unpack presents, while the air hold a strong scent of the hot chocolate they all drank and enjoyed.

„Be happy about the butter, you can at least use it. Other than this thing.“ Aaron chimed in, after he raised his open palm to reveal some sort of stone. Maybe it had it’s function, but Jens couldn’t see one, so he nodded in compassionate agreement, until he remembered that Aaron also got a first edition pokemon game for the Gameboy Colour. Jens would actually have been super stocked about that present, as he was sure Lies had left her Gameboy somewhere at home. So his sympathy died rather quick.

He was about to aks Aaron if maybe he could take the game off of him or at least borrow it, when Lucas shifted closer to peck a kiss on the bare skin above his collarbone, before he wnet to peck two more up his neck.

„Eh, there are people here.“ Jens laughed, not moving or even attempting to stop his boyfriend, who himself chuckled into the older boy’s skin, making him shiver under the breath.

„Stop.“

Much to his dissapointment Lucas actually did. But perhaps it was the sensible thing to do, he guessed, as he watched his boyfriend look at him in thought. Had Jens forgotten something? Or was there something odd about him right now?

„I like this.“

„What?“ Jens replied, his face drawn into amused confusion at the other boy’s whispered declaration. The others around them still busy unpacking random gifts, paying them no attention.

„You in your christmas sweater. It lookes good on you.“ Lucas happily replied with his lips curled up into a big smile. The younger boy was also wearing a christmas sweater. In fact they all did. It had been something Milan had wanted to do. It also meant that Lucas and Jens had spent at least three hours online trying to find some that weren’t too cheesy, nor to ugly and definitely not with some weird pictures or sentences on them. Seriously how tasteless and bad can a sweater be designed to have two drunk rudolph reindeers on a sweater, the red noses at the exat places where breasts would be. Though he did briefly had wondered if the ‘merry kissmas’ print wouldn’t be at least kinda funny.

„You are ridiculous.“ Jens smirked at the comliment, deciding to have to buy more sweaters once they’d be back. He usually preferred hoodies, but it couldn’t hurt to have some more variety. „But also extremly adorable. Stop looking like this.“

„Would you wear that for me later. Just the sweater though.“ Lucas asked, way too amused to actually mean it, but it certainly made Jens laugh, while seriously considering it, just to see Lucas’s face.

„Only if I get to see it on you afterwards.“ Jens winked just as cheery in it’s suggestion.

„Jens, what the hell?“ Lucas yelled back at him, his cheeks were definitely blushing, even if it could stem from them having laughed already for the hour they all spend next to the christmas tree. It definitely got the attention of the group, who were turning towards them with interest. Despite their efforts to get them explain, that only waved them off. 

It appeared though that Sander must have listened in on them for a bit, as he grinned proudly, wiggling his brows in mischief as he loudly proclaimed:

„Sweater weather.“

This fucking idiot.

### Dec 25th, Friday 18:08

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/638494803550683136/dec-25th-friday-1808)

# End of week 9

(Christmas Candles by The Andrew Sisters)

* * *

**_I wish you all a Merry Merry Christmas my dearest readers!_ **🎅✨

_I really hope that you enjoyed the light-hearted clips of last week for a change. With Christmas, I was really looking forward to just have a little bit of fluff, especially as I would love nothing else than to be with my friends and family over this time of the year as well. Unfortunately with Corona happening, it was out of question. The more I hope that you got to spend some time with your loved ones. Be it in person, over text or call. Or enjoy to have a good excuse to stick to yourself. Nothing wrong with that either._

_So thank you for reading and liking my story. This is the best present I have recieved this year, when I couldn’t celebrate my birthday nor christmas. It seriously means a lot!_

_And just quickly, the song for this week is sung by The Andrew Sisters, who I adore greatly since I sang ‘Bei mir bist du schon’ in choir a decade ago. I’d always recommend listening to them if you enjoy music from the 30s/40s._

_Thank you_ ❤️

_PS: The road trip karaoke playlist exist actually, it is linked in the insta post from saturday, but I'll put it here as well:_

_[https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ArpPemBfqykXJqlNetelb?si=1O9jV8FiTHKCc467S3bYqg](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fplaylist%2F1ArpPemBfqykXJqlNetelb%3Fsi%3D1O9jV8FiTHKCc467S3bYqg&t=NGE2NjJjNGQxNTQxZmU5NWVkMjY3ZjQ1ZDc0ODAxMTJjM2RhMTNiMCw4YzhmOWU4ODQ5YzBlZDcxMmE5NWVmMDUxOTNkZjQwODY3NmQyZDk0&ts=1608927426) _


	10. It's All So Incredibly Loud - Week 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week 10 and thus 2020 is behind us!
> 
> I 'm gonna copy a warning in here for clips happening on the 30th of december, that I had put on the posts on tumblr
> 
> Dec 30th, Wednesday:
> 
> All clips today include specific songs, that I’d recommand to listen to, if you want to get an idea of the mood I set them in.(I'll include those in each clip.) I also know that this might be hard for some to read. So should you, at any point, feel that the angst becomes to big or just uncomfortable to continue on, you can skip to the end of the post, where I will have small summaries of the main things that happened in the clips. That way you can still finish the story despite today.  
> Stay safe!
> 
> TW: anxiety, panic attack

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## It's All So Incredibly Loud - Week 10

### Dec 26th, Saturday 15:45

„We should be almost there.“ 

They all followed Senne up the trail, sneaking up the mountain between through the dense pine forest. The trees grazing their sides, as the branches creaked under the heavy weight of icy snow. The wind an ever present companion today fortuantely wasn’t as freezing as it had been last week.

It still didn’t meant that it wasn’t cold. Minus two degrees to be exact, and it got colder the higher they got.

They all wore these thick skiing and woolen gloves, which made it quite the task to hold hands. Lucas and him tried nonetheless, loosing grip every other moment, it sort of turned into a game halfway on their hiking trip. A very dumb silly one, where whoever let go first lost. It didn’t even mean anything. There were no consequences. It still mad them smirk victorious at the other who’S hand slipped away.

The younger boy’s cheeks were red from the cold. He looked absoutely adorable in his coat and hat.

They let go though when the forest open up to the cliff they were heading for.

Jens hadn’t yet reached the treeline leading to the rocky end of the trail, when he watched Lucas sprinting ahead behind Sander and Robbe. All of them busy to take off their gloces as the reached the spot Senne told them about. 

„This is awesome.“ Lucas exclaimed brightly, turning his face towards Senne who nodded proud with his succsessful surprise. He hadn’t told the group where they were going exactly, instead just to trust him.

Aaron and Moyo were daring each other to get closer to the edge, while being screamed at by Amber to not be stupid and step back. The two boys only laughing, but quickly trying to calm her down, when the girl definitely got a little to scared.

Jana, Milan and Zoë took at least a dozen of selfies with each other infrot of the picturesque view that wasn’t being done enough justice as it was probably mainly covered up by their faces smiling up at the phone. 

His eyes fell back onto the three boys at the centre of the clearing. Sander taking a rather risky position on a large rock at it’s edge, while Robbe checked his camera to get ready and take photographs. He did that more and more. Jens remembered Robbe telling his mom to apply to study filmmaking and he really got to see why, as he watched his best friend directing Sander onto the right spot to take the picture.

Lucas stood just a little to the side, too busy with his own camera. He had told Jens before that he hadn’t been to the alps or larger mountain areas in generel and that he was so excited to go and explore the scenery. Even more did he look forward to take photos. It also made Jens wonder if his boyfriend also would want to study something creative. They hadn’t actually talked about it.

Jeny still stood next to the large pine tree at a bit of distance, only Yasmina at his side, when he watched his friends enjoying themselves. They didn’t talk, but they had glanced over, smiling at the same time when their eyes met. He never really had spent time with this girl. There always had been someone else around. He wasn’t even sure what to say if they would start a conversation. Actually he didn’t even know her that well at all. Odd to think about, when they knew each other for two years. Perhaps he should try to change that. She was a clever and kind girl, right? 

He was about to ask her how she was, when Luca pulled the laughing girl off to join the girl group for more selfies. So she just shrugged, smiling back at him, as he himself decided to probably get closer.

And it honestly was worth it, Jens thought as he walked up to Lucas. The younger boy too focused on his task to capture the beauty, that Jens was sure would never be matched to this moment standing at the edge for the first time.

It couldn’t possibly recreate the depth of the mountain range opening up infront of them, devided by the steep and narrow carved valley to the cliff’s foot. The clouds above their heads were merely a blanket covering the sky into endless white. They almost spoiled the view, hanging low enough to hide the tips of the mountains in the distance. Barely allowed to see the opposite side of the valley, when it almost looked like fog hugging the valley and it’s large green pine trees, who grew undisturbed by the wind freeing them of snow.

It took his breath away as he stepped closer, able to watch the rock giving away to nothing but air until one would reach the ground a hundret meters down. It got his blood pumping, close to the feeling he got as he stood on the highest level of a half pipe, on the brink to drop. How much he missed the adrenaline taking over his senses. Now he felt a bit dizzy, as much as he was fascinated by the depth opening up. Enough to be a bit afraid of leaning further and loosing balance, so he quickly reminded himself to gat away. 

„For a second I thought you wanted to go flying.“ Robbe joked, grinning at him from behind his camera, obviously having taken at least one picture of Jens staring over the edge. But his eyes were too quick to find Lucas watching him with a frown, so he kept his laugh and reply to remain on the tip of his tounge. He walked up instead to Lucas to hug him, with his arms sneaking around his middle.

„Something’s wrong?“

„No. It’s fine. Just a dumb thought.“ His boyfriend was quick to assure him of that with a smile on his lips as he shook his head. Jens didn’t quite believe him, but had nothing else to base his hunch on other than the expression Lucas had given him for the briefest moment.

„Can you do that again? I fucked up the exposure.“ Robbe sighed, apparently oblivious to the situation. Instead his best friend was instantly back to look cheery at the photo he had taken a minute ago, now presented to Sander, who definitely saw the appeal in there somewhere. Jens wouldn’t know, he hadn’t checked it out yet.

„Sure?“ Jens asked, his gaze transfixed on Lucas’s blue eyes staring back at him. He wouldn’t do it, if his boyfriend wasn’t comfortable with it. Even though, he didn’t know why. He was feeling great right now. He loved the view and the possibility to share this with his friends. Somehwere in the background he heard Milan laughing, screaming to be let down, when Moyo only encouraged Senne to lift him higher.

„It’s fine, Jens. Have fun.“

Even though Lucas kissed him and kept his smile, when he let go of their embrace, the frown was still present in Jens’s mind. He tried to shake it of as best as he could, and it did work, when he was back to let Robbe take the photo he was so keen on to get. His best friend grinning when he managed to capture it. 

„We fucking got it. It looks insane! Come watch!“

### Dec 27th, Sunday 03:01

„Christ! You scared me.“ 

The voice startled Jens. His head flung around, away from the window he had stared out at the dark forest across the snowed in driveway. His eyes closing in on a shadow coming closer. For a moment he was confused if maybe Lucas would have found the side of their bed next to him empty. But it hadn’t been his voice calling out quietly from across the room. Instead he found Sander walking up to him, his eyes squinting at the boy sitting on the floor. He must be confused to see Jens here. It definitely wasn’t time for anyone to be up.

„I thought I’d seen a ghost.“ 

Sander’s light joke fell flat, ending up in him loosing the small smirk grazing his face, as Jens simply kept looking back up at him indifferent. He’d rather be alone. Otherwise he could have stayed in his room in the first place.

„What are you doing here?“

Unfortunately the older boy wasn’t going to go anytime soon, it looked like, as he went to sit down across of Jens, both leaning with their respectively shoulder at the opposite side of the wooden frame of the french window in the living room. There fell silence into the small space between them, as they watched each other. Sander looked tired.

„It’s okay. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. But I’m here, I can’t sleep either, I just thought to get some water and do some thinking. Didn’t know I’d have company.“

Jens hadn’t either. His eyes drifted off to look back out again. There were these mesmerising, thick snow flakes falling slowly from above, dancing across the night. How late was it anyway for Sander to be up? 

It reminded him of all these weeks ago, when Jens had not been able to close his eyes and had the older boy texting him at four in the morning, or however late it had been then. When he hadn’t told Sander about what kept him awake. And he probably wouldn’t tell him now either, if this time it wasn’t for completely other reasons. There had been the odd little conversation between Lucas and Jens before they went to bed about the moment when Lucas had looked at him funny back at the cliff. It had woken him from his sleep and he just couldn’t stand himself to be next to the peacefully sleeping boy. So he had left.

„It’s just too much sometimes. And Luc, I...“ He was really going to talk about this, huh? Though he felt like Sander would probably get him the most of all the people that currently found rest under this roof. „I don’t want to be a burden to him,“

Sander snorted at his words, but sighed when a minute passed without Jens giving any hint of reaction on his side.

„Tell me about it. I’m as broken as one gets.“ The other boy said, with such sorrow, that Jens’s eyes shifted to see the weary expression on his face. There was the lightest hint of a smile on his lips, but it didn’t reached his eyes. It looked so very wrong to Jens in that moment. He didn’t wanted to see Sander like this. 

„That’s not true. You are one of the strongest and coolest people I know. And people love you. Robbe certainly does.“

It did made Sander cheer up a little, pull him out of his blue, as he turned his head to fix his eyes on Jens with a sense of resolve behind them, that only affirmed the younger boy’s statement.

„They love you, too. Lucas definitely does as well, perhaps even more.“

„I know.“ Jens swallowed down the growing lump in his throat. He knew that all too well. He wish he didn’t. „That’s sometimes precicely the problem, I think.“

Sander regarded him in the half shadow of the only lamp outside illuminating the porch. It didn’t spend a lot of light, leaving much of their dimmed expression hidden in a dark greyish shade. But Jens knew that their was worry in the older boy’s eyes.

„Look I’m not the best at giving advice or solving problems, god knows I suck at that. But I’m going to listen if you want to share something.“

It was a very kind notion of the older boy to offer an open ear. But he wouldn’t know where to begin to explain. It was overwhelming enough to open up that door in his mind, yet alone to speak up on it. Jens bit on his lip, his right hand balled into a tight fist, that let his nails dig into his palms to calm his frustration at himself. Sander’s gaze darted briefly down towards it, before they were back up in his face.

„Do you often not sleep?“

A simple question. Simple enough for him to believe to be able to give Sander an answer.

„There is rarely a night going by without me staring at the ceiling at some point. Usually I just wake up early.“

„That sucks.“

„It really does.“

There was another brief pause, as they both dwelled on their own thoughts for a while. He got sleep. Enough to make it through the day. He just never felt well rested. The last week though had been nice. He almost had forgotten how dismal the night could feel like. If only Lucas hadn’t looked like that today. If only Jens wouldn’t have to think about worrying his boyfriend. He hadn’t even thought about it til now that Sander had joined. He had been perfectly still as he watched the snow outside.

„What is it for you?“ Sander asked breaking the silence once more. Jens didn’t quite understood where he was trying to get with it. He watched him puzzled, wrecking his brain for an answer he couldn’t find.

„What do you mean?“ Jens replied instead.

„Like. I for one have these nights when I can’t stop thinking. Where my mind runs marathons at lightning speed, while the world is crushing me. And then there are nights when I want to hide inside the little time I have left at night before the morning comes and I have to face another day. At the worst nights I don’t want to be alive to see the next minute. And I hate to feel like that, but I have to trust Robbe. He told me I wasn’t a burden to him, when I wake him if it get’s too bad, you know. And sometimes he is a little fed up with it, especially if he hasn’t gotten much rest either. But he never leaves. He always stays. So it gets better.“

Lucas did that too, didn’t he?

„How do you trust him to tell the truth?“ Jens dared to whisper. His heart was beating so loud, maybe Sander hadn’t heard him. Perhaps he had only asked himself. But Sander tilted his head lightly, resting his temple on the wooden frame.

„I just have to. I can’t allow myself to think otherwise. And he proves it to me every day. Even on the ones we argue.“

Jens couldn’t quite imagine them arguing. Not since they had got together a year ago. They always seemed to be on the same page, working closely together to face life. His best friend expression lit up everytime his eyes found Sander. Whatever they did they did together. Sander always gave into Robbe’s demands. At rare occasions even the other way around. They were the most amicable couple he knew. He shook himself out of his thoughts. He was drifting off again.

„Sleepless nights are the opposite for me. I don’t think much.“

Sander’s lips curled up, surpressing the laugh in an amused grin.

„Tell me something new.“ He said, letting Jens retrace his words.

„No, wait! Not like that, asshole.“ Jens replied, himself smirking briefly, before their conversation caught back up with them. 

„I mean, I just stare.“ This was hard to admit. Lucas knew, but he only knew because he spent almost every night at his side. Jens didn’t had to explain it to his boyfriend. To Sander on the otherhand, he had to. „I don’t feel much in these moments. These are the rare hours I just get to exist, you know? I’m not sure how to put it into words. It doesn’t make sense, I think. I’m pretty much empty then.“ He exhales deeply, unsure how to proceed from here. Jens tried to just let his mind talk as the thoughts came to him. „And I don’t even have to wake Lucas. He somehow knows, has some radar or some shit. Most of the times at least, he gets me out of it rather quick. And I hate that so much.“

He was an asshole to feel that way. Especially when his boyfriend only tried to support him. Jens should be grateful for it, when he feared he found resentment just hidden right behind.

„But isn’t that a good thing? That he is there and mostly that he wants to be there for you?“

Sander didn’t saw it.

„It is. I just wish he wouldn’t have to do it, you know. We are not even together that long.“

He should stop using that excuse. It got old. It didn’t help.

„Mhm, you are a couple for longer than Robbe and me had been when he found me hiding at the academy. You already have a couple of weeks on your backs.“

Jens knew that. Hence why he tried to desperately ignore how fast time was passing, weakening his poor excuse. Jens felt like he put all the weight on Lucas shoulders almost since the very beginning of their relationship, and it was only growing in size from the moment he had told him about his mom. And it was different from Robbe and Sander, wasn’t it? It involved doing all this grown-up shit. There was of course the flatshare, but most responsibility fell on Milan. Stuff, like banks, lawyers and insurances to deal with, that his friends only needed to worry about earliest next fall after graduation, if not much later. Not even taking Lotte into consideration here for a moment. 

He felt immediately bad for his thoughts. It was his illness that Sander was fighting with constantly. Something he didn’t get to stop with til his last day. That couldn’t and shouldn’t be compared. Fuck.

„So do you at least know why you feel like that?“ 

Right they were still talking. Jens almost had forgotten about the older boy watching him, as Jens felt terrible for the direction his thoughts have taken him.

„I sorta do, yes.“ Jens admitted. He truly did. It started with his mom’s diagnoses in march and ended with his future raising his sister. Of course he knew the reason that kept him awake and made Lucas worry. And in turn made Jens wish he could just stop himself.

„Well that’s a good start, right?“

„I don’t know.“ He really didn’t know how that would be a good start. The solution lay in being able to move forward from this. To find the strength to not cling onto every minute that passed. Time was literally running through his fingers. And he was afraid he was too weak to do that.

„It is, it means you can figure out how to fight it.“ Sander said, smiling at him in encouragement, but it only made Jens’s eyes burn. The fight was already long over.

„I don’t know, Sander.“ 

And then there came the tears. These damn tears, that probably would have appeared anyways. No matter if Sander had been here or not. But it helped to feel the hand of the older boy resting on his shoulder for a second before he got pulled towards the body across. He probably should head back to his room soon. Lucas may already be awake and worried, waiting for Jens to show up again. God, how much he hated that this was the most likely scenario. Yet for a moment he’d just lean into Sander’s embrace, as he tried to calm down enough to get up, when Sander spoke for one last time this night.

„I think you do.”

### Dec 27th, Sunday 13:20

„Dude, you almost fucking hit me.“

Moyo was wheezing, leaned over as clutched his middle at Jens’s response. After Aaron ungracefully had wobbled half of the way down the slope, he gave up and simply accepted to bolt the remaining bit of the mountain with too much speed. And an almost assessination, that had Jens screech high pitched like a boiling kettle, as he jumped out of his way last minute. Thank god for his fast reflexes.

Sander came up behind them, with Lucas in tow on skis. Both boys laughing hard as they had been able to get the full view on the situation from further behind. All of them pushing their goggles up to to see the full extend of their amusment.

„Your beloved boyfriend almost died and you are laughing.“ Jens pouted at the audacity he was presented with, when Lucas only pursed his lips in an attempt to appeal to Jens’s exeedingly adoration for the younger boy. And of course Jens was weak. And of course he found himself kissing the boy, smiling at the win.

„I definitely got it on camera!“

Robbe grinned from ear to ear, gleeful as he trudged up the hill through the heavy snow, a powdered fresh layer added to it’s depth. Aaron in the meantime had hugged the tree at the end of the slope in an attempt to stop himself. It shouldn’t be as funny when he groaned loudly in pain, yet raised his gloved thumb into the air to signal he was fine. It still threw everyone into a new fit of giggles. 

„Oh god, my lung hurts, help!“ Moyo whined through strong inhales, as Robbe stroked his hunched over back.

They definitely had improved on their snowboards over the course of a couple of hours, after they had rushed out of the cabin after breakfast. Ready to film some stuff for their channel. They had agreed with the group not to include the cabin, but everything else was fine. And snowboarding was basically skating, right? Not quite, but the muscle memory to stand on a board definitely helped. Difference was that one was strapped to it.

But it meant they got to upload something different after they had returned and to top it off they had taken loads of photos as well. Enough to update all their instagram accounts later today.

„Your scream, Jens, absolutely priceless.“ Robbe teased, waving for Aaron to come over, who leaned against the same tree that had stopped his mad race. „This video will be glorious. I’m not sure it will get better from here.“

„Well perhaps not better in stupidity.“ Jens yelled over at their friend, the last word put in strong emphasis, clutching his board to his chest as he carefully joined them. A goofy smile on his lips once he regarded Jens.

„Bro, I’m so sorry. I was scared and wanted to hold onto something. Forgive me. Please.“ Aaron pleaded his case. The horror when he had closed in on Jens had definitely been visible as well as audible, even with the large ski goggles cavering half his face.

„You are lucky, I like you. I swear I saw my life flash infront of my eyes.“ Jens joked, patting Aaron’s shoulder to gesture they were cool and that he wasn’t angry. He hadn’t gotten run over anyway. So it was fine. And he had to admit that it probably looked quite hilarious if one wasn’t in the situation.

„Aaron, please just throw yourself in the snow next time.“ Robbe huffed amused in a laugh, as Moyo still cackled to their sides. Jens definitely got worried for his friend’s health as he struggled to calm down and find air. It also made everyone else grin. 

„Moyo. Stop.“ Lucas unhelpful exclaimed, sliding over to help the poor boy straighten up again. It certainly helped him breath a little easier. And it didn’t take long for Moyo to speak up after.

„Let’s go again?“ He asked with a nod up the small slope, followed by joyous affirmation from all sides.

„Hell yeah!“

### Dec 28th, Monday 17:06

[(insta post/chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/638762721571127296/dec-28th-monday-1706)

### Dec 28th, Monday 23:46

Stars dotted to infinity across the black that stretched above their heads. It resembled a painting hung in an ostentasious museum room under a high ceiling. There was a clear presentation of the milky way visible over the silhouette of the mountain range, where the points of light met to draw a storm of white, lilac blue and grey.

The wind had died down hours ago, allowing for the group to huddle together on the edge of the wooden terrace at the backsite of the cabin. The snow cleared, to make space for a couple of blankets to be spreaded across the planks. The were comfortably sitting close as they warmed each other enough to already have spent nearly an hour out here in serenity. All of them leaned back, propped up on a sea of elbows and hands. Some of them having lied down on their backs, as every pair of eyes was deeply transfixed on the nightsky in awe.

Zoë had been the one to yell in surprise at the sight, when she had went to turn of the fairylights by the window. All of them ready to call for an early night for once. Though that quickly proved to have been an immature idea, when the girl had excitedly pointed out, calling for them to go out.

They did. And no one had raised a hint of a complain when they were met with a clear sky and sight at the universe presenting it’s most mesmerising beauty.

Jens felt oddly small facing the vastness of space, graced by an amount of stars that daunted his naive belief to be someone on this tiny earth. He had his arm wrapped tightly around Lucas’s middle to his left, pulling him close, as their heads leaned in on each other.

„I’ve seen stars in the sky before. I just...“ Lucas whispered into the cold night, his breath clouding infront of him. The air was crisp despite the calm weather. „I think I finally understand why the greeks believed in gods.“

Jens hummed in affirmation when he turned his head to face the younger boy, who was too enthralled in his view to notice him staring.

He smiled, couldn’t stop his lips from curling up, as he found the childish rapture in his gaze focused sternly up towards the sky. Lucas wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t comparable to the pollution of city lights denying this view. Antwerp was situated in one of the brightest places on earth. If one was lucky, one got to see the tiniest hints of dots sprinkled inmidst the dark grey sky, almost always tinted in a yellowish glow. What a privilage to be here to enjoy it’s full glory. It perhaps wasn’t the darkest area to see it to the fullest extent, but certainly enough to envision why ancient cultures had searched for answers in the stars.

Right now though Jens was distracted. His eyes tracing the soft outline of Lucas’s profile directed at the sky, allowing to fully appreciate how gorgeous the younger boy looked. He adored these high cheekbones, loved brushing his fingers over them, everytime he cupped his face to kiss it over and over again. There was this tiny birth mark just below his ear, that Jens had noticed the first time he had woken up to this boy next to him. Lucas didn’t liked his chin. Had told it Jens one late night when he had rested his head on the older boy’s chest. Too pointy, he had said, when Jens couldn’t find a singly flaw in it. There had been a couple of instances where Lucas had gotten shy over eyes exploring his bare body devoid of shame. He had blushed in every shade of red, covered his face in his hands, pushed Jens’s face away to escape him. 

There was the whole grace of the universe displayed above him, but his eyes were only devoted towards the boy next to him on earth. Reachable as much as alluring in his own beauty. 

He loved him.

And he craved for him.

„Let’s go inside.“ 

Jens suggestion low on his lips, his breath tingling Lucas’s neck, as his boyfriend gently shivered and smirked, his face still turned upwards, despite him replying. 

„Why?“

They were positive that they weren’t heard, as the occupied on of the corners of their gathering. Of course it wouldn’t go unnoticed if they bid their goodbye. But it was close to midnight and Jens was sure no one would really mind.

„I’d rather see you inmidst bedsheets.“

Lucas turned his face. Finally, only took him long enough. His blue eyes, still bright, despite them being just dark in the black of the night as they darted across Jens’s. The older boy knew he had him. They didn’t needed more words to proclaim their longing as they both slowly got up from their spot. Jens’s hand instantly holding on to the fingers intertwining with his. He wasn’t even sure what they had mumbled as an excuse. But their friends only had told them to have sweet dreams and a good night, not awarding them even a glance as they left.

The stars, sky and moon discarded in favour to adore the boy that pulled him up the stairs, while his eyes watched only him as he followed close behind.

### Dec 29th, Tuesday 10:59

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/638830280965226496/dec-29th-tuesday-1059)

### Dec 29th, Monday 13:51

„We really need to stick to the list this time.“

They had just reached the supermarket in the nearest city, parking the car in a free spot that wasn’t completely snowed in, when Robbe had made that joke. Sander and Jens were both grinning as they collected their jackets to get out.

„Okay? But why wouldn’t we?“ Lucas asked puzzled at the dumb reference, as he handed Jens his gloves he had hold onto for the drive. 

„So last year at our fall-break trip together, Robbe and me sort of didn’t bother to buy a single thing that Amber had asked for.“ 

The grin on Sander’ face almost grew into an expression of cocky proudness. Though it really didn’t helped to clear any confusion of the younger boy in the passenger seat, who followed to step out of the car as well.

„And she was fucking pissed, dude.“ Jens accused, not even trying to hide his amusement away. Even though the girl had been absolutely livid, as she had expected the shopping they had done. Sander had just shrugged it off back then. „She had to go herself later again. I think Aaron and Moyo went with her, not on their free will though.“

„But why?“

Jens had just double checked the driver’s door to be locked, before he turned to face Sander to give an answer. Jens had actually never really asked. He knew Robbe had went with him and that they had gotten to know each other. There was something with a song playing as well, but Jens had forgotten which one, or why it had been important in the first place.

„Well, I, uh, had a certain boy to impress.“ Sander said and it was quite fascinating to see the oldest of them to loose a bit of his cool composure and grow a bit shy instead.

„I assume it had worked?“ Lucas only replied, smiling brightly from Sander to Robbe, who simply nodded, as they still somehow hadn’t moved from their spot on the parking lot.

„Oh definitely. He completely succumbed to my charms.“ 

Ah there it was again. Sander apparently had only slipped briefly, when a smirk graced his lips and he leaned towards his boyfriend to place a kiss on his forehead. Robbe rolled his eyes at that, but didn’t deny the allegation even in the slightest. 

„Adorable. Is that actually the first time you met? You said something about a grocery store.“

Right. Jens almost had actually forgotten that Lucas had come out early on to his two friends and that they apparently had talked hours about their experiences. Jens guessed he knew probably more about their relationship then him. Odd, when Robbe was his best friend.

„The first time Robbe saw me at least.“ Sander wiggled his brows, very much cheery over that fact. „I may or may not have seen him before, when he was with Noor.“

So maybe Jens had been wrong. Lucas certainly didn’t looked like he knew about what had happened before the two boys got together. Neither had Jens talked a lot about that time. It had been so long ago and it felt like a completely different life at that point. There was a little pause between the name dropping and him continuing to explain.

„And then there was Brit of course, who I asked about Noor and Robbe, as she was her closest friend and I obviously had seen her next to him.“

„Sorry, Brit? Who is that.“

It only now dawned on Jens that Sander actually had also been with Brit, for months at that. Which made him acknowledge some other truths about them having been with the same girl. So first of all, ugh. And second of all, how had this never occured to him before? Well, this realisation was absolutely something he’d rather see reburied very very deep in the furthest corner of his brain. Because. No. No. Nonono.

Sander too seemed to have briefly been come to a similar conclusion, as his eyes darted in horror over to Jens, before he cleared his throat and went on.

„That’s a bit complicated.“

Yes, very helpful, Jens thought, as they finally got moving.

„She is, as already mentioned, a good friend of Noor’s and actually goes to our school.“ Jens began, gladly accepting the hand Lucas reached out to him.

„Really? Why haven’t I met her, if you all know her?“ The dutch boy definitely was on a curiousity spree today. Jens guessed they wouldn’t have much luck to ignore this conversation from happening.

„Brit isn’t really part of our group. Like we are alright to give the occasional nod and hello in passing, but since Sander and Robbe became a thing, she kinda had enough of us.“ Jens managed to awkwardly proclaim, very unsure how to word it all. „A bit of a sore spot for Brit with Noor as well, as she still is close to them and us in general. You know that she attends our meetings and is in the group chat and so on.“

„Okay? Couldn’t be more cryptic, huh?“ Lucas teased with a grin on his lips, despite him being left to press on to get his answers. At least someone was having fun here. Jens hated to have to be reminded of it all. It was messy at best.

„So I knew Brit first. We got along really well since we both were in the same class in our first year of secondary school and became a couple for eight or nine months when we were 15, if I remember that right.“ He trailed off their at the end, uncertainty strong in his voice, as he tried to get the timeline right.

„I don’t care if she is your ex, Jens.“

„Well, the thing is that Jana was her best friend for years and therefore we spend a lot of time together as well. The three of us, I mean. Often with Robbe there as well. Only that the last three weeks of our relationship I cheated on Brit with Jana.“

Lucas stopped in his tracks, pulling Jens to a halt while at it. Sander and Robbe quick to join them. They only had reached the entrance to the supermarket so far. This would take forever, if it continued on like this.

„For real? That’s awful.“

„I know. I. I don’t.“ Jens stumbled over his own words. He really didn’t wanted Lucas to think bad of him. He especially didn’t wanted his boyfriend to loose trust in him. It had destroyed his relationship with Jana. It was probably the same reason Jens hadn’t yet let Lucas in on that part of his life. „Uhm, so then I was with Jana for a bit. And we probably could have tried harder, but as everyone knows that hadn’t worked out quite great in the end. Brit in the meantime had met Noor somehow and found a new boyfriend.“

„Who was me.“ Sander confided sheepishly, while he raised his hand, his head ducked low next to Robbe. Jens could never tell if the older boy was actually rueful. He never seemed to have been too invested with Brit anyway. But it was only a guess on his part. The only time he had seen them as a couple had been on their trip to the sea.

„Oh no.“ 

Lucas finally seemed to connect some dots. His mouth hung open, as he regarded every single one of the three boys infront of him. He still hold Jens’s hand. So that was a good sign, right?

„Yup.“ Jens popped the p, slowly collecting his thoughts to bring this topic to an end. It got cold, and they really should get going. „So Sander here kinda cheated on her with Robbe, who to his credit did actually broke it off with Noor a bit earlier. And well, Brit isn’t therefore really fond of sticking around so much, you know.“

„Wow. You are assholes.“ Lucas stated rather dull, yet not without huffing an unamused laugh. „Like okay, my best friend kinda did something similar. Stuff happens. Sucks, but okay. But that poor girl. Twice?“ A unison of nods followed from all of them that had been involved. „Also, first her boyfriend and her best friend. And then her boyfriend with the bestfriend of her ex? I mean. Fuck.“

„Yea, that sums it up quite nicely.“ Robbe quietly agreed.

„Good god.“

„We know.“ Sander confirmed, before they fell into silence. Each of them wallowing in their own thoughts for a little while, before they startled at Robbe’s phone notifying him of a new text.

„Uh, I think we really should head inside, guys. Amber is asking me yet again how long we will need. She also put three exclamation marks after telling us to get everything on the list.“ Robbe summed up, while he presented his phone screen to the little group to read for themselves. Amber definitely wasn’t leaving it to chance. Jens also had to promise to keep check on the other two boys.

Therefore they all finally entered the supermarket, grabbing one of the shopping carts, while Sander read the list outloud for everyone to figure out where to start. It was a long list. But fortunately the warmth already made him feel better.

Lucas came up next to him, when he pushed the cart between the aisles filled to the brim with vegetables and fruits. Sander and Robbe busy to argue what type of tomates they needed.

„I can’t believe you did that.“ His boyfriend said, without any animousity. Instead he shook his head smiling, as he breathed a kiss on Jens’s cheek, before he stepped slightly aside, to grab a bundle of carrots.

„I told you, I was an ass back then.“

„Agreed.“ Lucas affirmed and Jens nodded in turn, busy remembering if Amber had said red or yellow onions. „I’m really glad I got to know you now, though. Honestly.“

### Dec 30th, Wednesday 19:19

#### It’s All So Incredibly Loud - Glass Animals

He should have never accepted the call.

„Jens, I understand that you are not at home, but I need you to bring your mother in as soon as possible. She had called me fifteen minutes ago after she had collapsed twice. Told me that she had been caughing up blood for half the day. And I have the test results since this afternoon. I..“ A brief pause. „I’m afraid all we can do at this point is to help her with the pain. When can you be back?“

„Tomorrow night.“ 

He answered hushed. His mouth did. His lungs did. He himself felt void of any notion of exisiting.

„Okay, I’ll be here. Call me an hour before you arrive. I’ll get everything arranged. I promise.“

„Thank you.“ 

„And Jens?“

„Yes?“

„I’m sorry.“

She probably had bid goodbye, but he had already hung up. The phone hit the ground with a dull thud, barely audible to the deafening pressure around him from the end of the little hallway leading away from the living room. Just behind the stairs, where he had hidden when he saw who had called.

Was it possible to loose the ability to breath from one minute to the other?

Someone must have punched it out of him, broken his rips, to tear his heart deep into pieces. 

The air was thick, too thick to swallow, too thick to breath. He felt light-headed.

Not even pulling his sweater off had helped him, he realised. Panic settling in, where he hadn’t felt anything the moment before. This wasn’t good. Surely he just needed a second to reclaim control of his body, that seemed to fail him.

But the second passed and nothing changed, his lungs empty, his head pounding.

Out.

His mind shouted desperately for fresh air, so he took the step. Slow. And another. Still slow.

Faster. 

His feet quicker now that he seemed to find some control over them. He passed the stairs and the kitchen counter, before he strode across the living room towards the door. The cold hit him, when he pulled it open, greeted by the black evening’s forest stretching out infront of him beyond the clearing.

Faster.

He stumbled across the wodden boards, his hand balled into fists, as he hit his chest a couple of times, trying to get his lungs working as he stepped off the porch. Still not enough air, not even under the clear night.

Faster.

So he ran for air he could not breath, as he chocked on words stuck in his throat. Never enough to supress the screams welling up from deep within. He felt the snow crunch under his feet, socks soaked a minute into his haste to get away from whatever was chasing him. Impossible to escape as he fell to his knees, just short of the treeline. Dread clutching him. Looming dark shadows rising from the white to shield the light of a moon mockingly bright in the sky above.

His heart stung. His lungs burnt. His eyes blurred. 

It started as small as a faint sob and crushed into tears streaming down his cheeks, as he hopelessly tried to remember how to breath. The blood was pumping so loud in his ears. Yet too quiet for him to ignore the word filling every fiber of his being.

Sorry.

Sorry was loss. The wait over at last. Certitude knocking at his door, ignored by the desire to leave it unackowledged. 

Breathe. Just breathe.

And he couldn’t. Gasping for air like a fish stranded ashore on the driest day of summer.

It hurt so much.

Jens.

So he screamed into the dark. Not much else left to do. Not much else to hide from. The whine like a prayer on his tounge to beg for more time. Just a couple more days. Just enough to leave this year with hope of being with his mother when the call would finally arrive.

Jens?

Not today. Not here. Not without her.

„Jens?“ 

He found himself being touched on his shoulders, grabbed by hands from behind. Blinded from tears and irritation, he shook them off. Too much. Too hot. Too constricting. He wanted to keep crying. He deserved to cry at least.

„Someone get Lucas!“

There was no strength left in him to get away. Further, where he wasn’t going to be found until he was ready to face the world again. But the sheer panic from struggeling attempts to get air into his lungs, was met by nothing but empty gasps and a throat tied shut. He felt his head get dizzier. Maybe he could just stop altogether.

„I’m going to touch you okay?“

Lucas.

„Ca...“ His whine caught by the boy crouching infront of him. Hands visible, as they came closer to lay at his sides on his lower ribs.

„We’ve done this before, right? We can do this again. Listen. In. 1...2...3.“ 

The voice was so close, still numbed by the beating of his heart. Far to alive for the demise he felt. But he did as he was told and tried to do as it said. Get air. Hold. Release. Repeat. 

„Out. 1...2...3.“

It felt as if the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life was to breathe.

„In. 1...2...3.“

It hurt so much to not give up.

„Out. 1...2...3.“

But he made it, didn’t he?

„In. 1...2...3.“

He did.

„Out. 1...2...3.“

Again.

Again.

„It hurts.“ 

The raw whisper left his lips, after he let himself fall forward into the chest of the boy who always seemed to be with him at the right times at the right places.

„Please. Let’s get inside, okay?. You are freezing.“

He was? 

He didn’t think so, but apparently he did, examining his violent red hands, nearing a dangerous bluish tint. It didn’t look healthy. Perhaps Lucas was right. So he nodded, let himself be pulled up onto his feet. He hadn’t realised that his sweats were just as soaked wet from the snow as were his socks, but as a light wind caught him, he began to feel it biting away at him.

He shivered. Lucas quick to sling an arm around his middle, when he drew Jens closer to his right, reaching for a blanket being handed to him, to throw around both of them.

Jens almost didn’t dare to look up, too ashamed by his observed breakdown. He hadn’t meant to run out. He hadn’t meant to worry them. But he had nowhere else to go but out. Lucas was with him though. So he let his gaze wander up from his feet to be met by Zoe first.

She must have gotten the blanket, her being the closest person to them, as she watched the couple cautiously, before Lucas started to move. She walked right next to them, strictly far enough not to accidently come in touch with Jens. Perhaps he had shaken her off? Someone had called for him. Or maybe it had been Robbe, looking absolutely distraught next to Sander, holding onto his boyfriend right infront of the Porch, where all of his friends were waiting. One expression more worried than the next. 

And though the small place at his return was filled by a dozen people, there only existed dead silence. Broken just by the crunching of the snow beneath his feet. Accompanied by wind faintly howling through snow covered branches.

They parted for the couple to get inside. The heat of the cabin lit by fairy lights and the crackling fireplace was burning him alive. His skin was pricked to his bones. This was worse than the cold. This was unbearable.

He wanted to cry all over again, but couldn’t, as he chocked on dry coughs. His body giving in simply slumped into the embrace of his boyfriend. The two were surrounded by his friends, as they stood and cried for him instead.

### Dec 30th, Wednesday 19:59

#### Goliath & In Your Likeness - Woodkid (played back to back)

„I didn’t mean to worry you.“

He had found his voice after minutes spent staring at the wooden surface of the table he sat at. There was a hot steaming cup of tea patiently waiting to be tasted. A kind gesture that fell flat against the sheer pain he felt, when he had no injury to show for. No one else had dared to speak as they all took their respectively seats around the table dressed in nothing but low burned candles. And his tea. The room was dim from the little lights reminding of christmas spend in laughter. Jens was thankful to be able to hide in the half-litted dark as his eyes flew across his friends’s faces.

„You don’t have to apologise.“ Senne had raised his voice first, before other’s were quick to follow. All of them reassuring, even if they couldn’t fathom why he had run out into the freezing cold. Jens wasn’t even sure on his reasons either. It all became a blur.

„It was a panic attack, not your fault.“ Of course Sander would know. Jens was sure, after Lucas, he probably was the best to understand him, given their late night conversation only two days ago.

„We were just really scared for you.“ Zoe said it like he hadn’t been scared for himself as well. 

„What happened?“ The one question that weighed the heaviest on him, and perhaps was the most honest of them all, as eyes watched him carefully from all sides. He stiffened. Involuntary, but he couldn’t help himself, as Lucas began to gently brush his fingers up and down his back, while he edged his chair closer towards Jens. So close that the wooden frames clashed soundly against each other. Luca who had been so brave to ask in the first place, quickly backtracked. „If you don’t mind me asking. Sorry.“

His throat was incredibly sore. Perhaps from the crying, maybe from the gasping, definitely from the coughing on his way in. He wetted his dry lips, in an attempt to stop biting them til they bled. He shook his head, his gaze dropping back down towards the table.

„I should have told you a while ago.“

Jens really should have. Regret lingered in his heart, when he thought that this would have been easier, had they known month ago. But they would have treated him differently, right? They had to. If not, if his belief had been wrong, he had made himself suffer for nothing, right? All he wanted was a bit more time to be the Jens that his friends knew him to be.

Everyone watched him as he pondered on what to say. Nothing would be good enough to explain his lies and secrecy. He didn’t minded so much about others, but entirely about Robbe. His best friend, who knew his mother for a decade. Who should have known. Who should had have the opportunity to come to terms with it at his own pace. 

Jens looked back up, his eyes searching for Robbe’s, while a treacherous new sob dared to take over, but he tried to surpress it to manage the little words he could muster.

„Robbe...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you like this. I should have month ago. I should have back in the car. I’m so sorry. You are my best friend and I. I just. I didn’t.“ His messed up voice was tripping over itself, stuttering at all the wrong places, when he apparently handled to say more as he had expected of himself a second ago. 

„It’s okay. Really. Nothing to be sorry for. We are just really worried. And we love you. You can just talk when you are comfortable, okay?“ Robbe interrupted him promptly, his tone full of sympathy. And pity, if one would have asked Jens.

He had to say something. He couldn’t take all of this into the new year. Not when his mom would disappear from his side too soon, and Lotte would replace all of his concious attention, always lingering in his perception. Lotte. He hadn’t even thought about her yet. He’d have to take her home to a house that no longer hold their mother. How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to explain it to her?

How, when he couldn’t even begin to let his closest friends know.

„I recieved a call.“ He dully stated, his eyes darting towards nothingness in their group’s centre. Unfocused as his hands desperately grasped onto Lucas’s in his lap, who surely must had felt pained from the tight clasp of fingers. Yet his boyfriend remained stubbornly calm, when he only went to rest his head on Jens’s shoulder.

He should just give them the reason for his distraught reaction, caught in a panic. Out there it couldn’t hurt him as much as from within, he believed.

„My mom has cancer. She is dying.“ He tilted his head for a second of quiet contemplation. Jens spoke more to himself, to the air between them, than to any person unfortunate enough to have to listen to his whisper. „No, that’s not quite right, is it? She is already dead. Just breathing for a while longer, I think. But her doctor wants her in the hospital.That’s why she had called. To tell me that we’ve reached the end.“ He drew in a sharp breath, bruning his lungs. „We just lost.“

His voice died down, when it shouldn’t even had been considered a sound, so low, to only be audible as no one had moved nor spoken. There they were again, the familiar tears. How was it still possible to cry after all that? Wasn’t he dried up yet? He certainly felt the part, when his confession had reached it’s conclusion.

He also realised that he had just ruined their trip.

„Oh Jens.“ Jana breathed out before anyone else, her voice broken in a reflection of his own sorrow. Robbe swift to push himself up to his feet and rush to hug Jens tightly from Lucas’s opposite side. His boyfriend softly gasping, who hadn’t known about the call yet, but only clung to him stronger in return as the realisation settled. His arm who had only loosely covered his back, now wrapped around his middle.

„Since when?“ Yasmina asked. A steady voice of reason, now heavy from her own sadness. She still managed to possess the strenght in her words to reach him from the other end of the table.

„Since march.“ It barely came over his lips. How was it only nine month? It felt like an eternity. A life worth of lies to cover the inevitable. Another apology stuck on his tounge. He hadn’t had any excuses left.

„Fuck.“ Aaron cursed into the silence that settled between them, each one of them dwelled upon their own thoughts, remembering back towards the summer and fall, in which it hadn’t felt as dire as now in december.

„She recieved treatments and surgery, but...“ The failure to help his mom’s battle stood unspoken. Not needed when it was clearly written all over his surrendered expression.

„Dude. I’m so fucking sorry, for all the times I got mad at you for ghosting us. I. Shit.“ Moyo rambled rueful from his seat, swallowing down more words, that weren’t important enough to say out loud.

„Why didn’t you tell anyone?“ Aaron asked absentmindedly, Amber tearing up silently next to him, as he rubbed her arm.

„Lucas knew.“ Jens felt like the worst friend on this forsaken planet, for having confided in his boyfriend first. Lucas, who he knew for a fraction of the time he knew his friends. Did he betray their trust? Even if he made himself remember Robbe’s words from their kitchen talk weeks back, did it still feel terribly wrong at times. Just like it did now. He had kept such an immense part of his life deliberatly away from the people closest to him. He was a horrible person, an even worse friend.

„So what does that mean for you? I mean, are you going to move to your older sister or your father or something else? I have so many questions. Sorry.“ Milan’s questions tumbled from his lips unhindered. Jens knew he didn’t mean harm in asking, but it was such a grand subject, he unfortunately, or in actuality fortunately, already knew most answers to, he immediately felt exhausted.

„No, uhm, everythings settled. I own it all. I’ve made up my mind. And I’m going to raise Lotte myself.“

His friends were all stunned in a thick layer of complete silence, as their eyes were frozen solely on him.

He fidget restless on his chair, uncomfortable to be the single source of everyone’s unabated focus. Lucas lifted his head in order to face Jens for the first time since they had taken their seats. A worn out expression and a silent plea in the older boy’s eyes, enough for his boyfriend to understand.

„I think we are going to head to bed. We all can talk another time about this, right?“

Lucas undoubtedly was the best thing that had happened to him at the worst and most unlucky time in his still young life. Jens once more let himself be helped up to his feet and steadied by the younger boy’s arms. As he didn’t trusted his knees to not give in outright. They took the stairs, still without any kind of reaction of their friends left behind to their stupor. Only eyes watching on in silent contemplation. If they had stayed to discuss the bit of truth Jens had unveiled, he hadn’t heard it.

It was the first night without him being told a good night. Quite obvious that he wouldn’t have one. 

He doubted his friends would find a restful sleep either.

And it was all his fault.

### Dec 30th, Wednesday 21:09

#### Plans We Made - Son Lux

There wasn’t a single word in the human language, that could describe the emotion he felt in that moment, as the two boys laid in bed, reminiscent of the first time they woke to face each other in silence. Their eyes not daring to break their shared gaze. Their hearts beating slow as one.

Welcomed comfort in the dark.

Jens was sombre in his anguish, too scared of tomorrow to come once he would loose his battle with the deep exhaustion, that drew on the remaining pieces of his wakefullness. Enough to become desperate in his attempt to cling on to it, when he felt it slip through his fingers with each minute passing.

Jens felt the ache of his body, heavy and overwhelming. Though he only stayed motionless beneath the thick blanket that covered them both. The warmth barely noticable, as it grew slowly wrapped in the anxiety that brought about his downfall.

Jens could as well recognise the scattered renegade hints of calmness in his grief. Oddly awakened amongst the quiet breathing he mirrored of the boy across from him. Who hold his hand in the space between them, the thumb brushing tender circles into his palm, for so long, one may assume they would leave permenant marks.

After all there was certainty in his future now to strike him down relentless.

The pain in his heart over the remembrance of his mother would become his newest constant companion. He was assured to never be able to move on from that. Too afraid to forget what her voice sounded like. Sacred to not be able to retrieve an image of her smiling face. Too frightened that his own brain would betray the memories he had been able to make with her til now.

One day he’d forget. And the realisation would kill him.

If he had too feel the hurt until the very last beat of his heart, he’d gladly accept it, if it meant a part of her would remain forever in his presence. People died. He knew that. He just wasn’t ready to accept it yet. Perhaps never.

He had thought about it before. Had contemplated his mother’s pending death on countless restless nights, that he almost felt serenity in his ackowledgement.

Lucas’s eyes fell shut for the briefest of moments. He blinked, strained, revealing how emotionally tired he must feel as well, despite it being an unusual early night. Still strictly forcing himself to stay awake, as he shifted next to him. Jens was attentive to follow suit, letting himself fall smaller into the other body, while Lucas’s let go of the older boy’s hand to stretch his arm out on the pillow over the head that buried itself in the crook of the younger boy’s hunched over chest. His other arm draped delicately over his waist, to hold him dear to his heart. Savely tugged away from the world that hadn’t yet stopped turning.

He breathed into the fabric of the soft shirt, the scent of Lucas soothing his nerves, right beneath the chin that rested gently on top of his head. Jens closed his eyes.

They would linger a little longer in the shelter of their embrace, before they drifted off into an uneasy sleep, looked after by the the pale moon light that illuminated their room.

### Dec 31st, Thursday 20:34

He looked down at the sleeping figure curled up under the blanket.

Lotte had fallen asleep halfway home from the hospital. Too exhausted to keep her eyes open, after Lucas had kept an eye on her, as Jens accompanied his mother inside. 

He had a long talk with Dr. Henin in her room. He had shared a hug, so long, he almost forgot to have to exist without it, before he was able to tear himself away from the embrace. She had kissed his head and mumbled words into his hair, that all were a blur and only meant to express how much she loved him in the end. He had talked once more with the sad looking woman in a white doctor’s coat after he had left the room. Had talked with her about visiting hours. If not for him, at least for Lotte. They’d have so much more to talk about, but, reminded of the two people waiting for him by the car, he had left it at that. 

Perhaps for the best. Too much went through his head that needed to be pondered on. It made him feel dizzy, thus he had to take a couple of deep breaths as he exited the building.

He had carried Lotte in once they arrived at home, unspokenly grateful that he hadn’t had to talk to her about the situation today. He could feel his own eyes getting dangerously heavy. Fortunately Lucas had offered to carry in all of their other stuff, which left him to take a moment of pause and watch Lotte.

Jens still felt a little bad about Sander and Robbe, who had, apparently over night, decided to join them on their way back. The other’s had offered to squeeze together to take them back to Antwerp in a couple of days. But both boys had strongly denied and instead already had changed their tickets late last night. They would take the train from Brussel Central not on the third, but today.

Sander had assured Jens at least ten times, over the course of their long journey, that it was fine. Jens still blamed himself for having cut his friend’s trip short. However Robbe had asked to come to Jen’s grandparents house as well and that their train would leave only in a couple hours anyway. Jens suspected his best friend had in part pressed to get to Brussel with him to see Helena, before he wouldn’t be able to visit her with all the restrictions in place.

His mom and Robbe had shared a long hug themselves and though Robbe had strictly negated that he had tears dwell up, Jens was sure he had seen Robbe’s eyes glisten in the light of the livingroom. Sander had been busy keeping Lotte entertained, who looked happier than Jens had expected. But, as his mother had told him in the hospital, his little sister somehow was convinced that their mom would only be gone for some weeks. Jens already dreaded the moment she had to come to terms with the truth.

The couple had bid goodbye, with a promise to make it through Brussel just fine on their own, when the other’s had gotten into the car to get home. Or better the hospital and then home.

„Are you hungry?“

Jens turned, startled by the sudden voice of the boy who stood in the door to Lotte’s room. He smiled at Jens, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. And now that the question had been asked, he felt his stomach grumble in turn. So, food didn’t sound too bad.

He leaned down to brush through Lotte’s hair and smooth out the blanket, before he followed Lucas out to close the door softly behind him.

„You cooking, or something? Because I don’t think we have anything home and I’m way too tired to go out to buy something, even less keen to have to prepare something.“ Jens said while they took the stairs down, working his brain to recall what the kitchen could provide after almost two weeks. Instead he saw Lucas step over to his coat, that he had carelessly thrown over the stair’s handrail.

„I thought more of ordering something.“

„Brilliant idea. I love you.“

„I know.“ Lucas only stated, as he happily accepted the kiss. Jens could feel him still smiling, as he caught his lips. His hand quick to grab the front of Lucas’s sweater to pull the younger boy in.

The jumped apart, when the door bell interrupted them. Both watching the other in utter confusion at who would drop by on a thursday at almost nine o’clock. Lucas only frowned, but still went over the two small steps to look through the little window, before he cheerfully smirked in his surprise.

„What the fuck, guys?“ His boyfriend greeted, as he opened the door, to reveal Sander and Robbe, still with their bags and everything in hand, as they entered, before Jens had any chance to say something. Instead he just stood in shock and watched the two boys take off their jackets and shoes.

„Robbe hated the idea of us going home and leave Jens on New Years Eve alone.“ Sander declared, scratching his neck as he threw Jens a quick glance. The whole drive had more or less happened in complete silence. No one sure what to say or do. So they only listened to the quiet radio playing in the background, while each person was immersed in their own thoughts.

Jens also realised that it was indeed New Years Eve, which somehow only saddened him more, if that was possible. What an awful day to end this miserable year. Especially when the new year started off just as bad and would quickly get worse from here on out. Guaranteed, unfortunately.

„Alright, uhm. I don’t know. Is that okay with you, Jens?“ Lucas asked, quick to join Robbe and Sander who watched him cautiously. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to eat and go to bed. Midnight be damned. Still Jens shrugged, before he nodded once.

„Sure. I’m probably not gonna stay up long and Lotte is sleeping upstairs.“

„Good, because I think Robbe wouldn’t have accepted anything else.“ 

Sander yet again had spoken for his boyfriend, who had remained oddly quiet throughout everything. But now that they were allowed to stay over, Jens found a little smile tugged at the corner of his best friend’s lips, before Robbe came closer to hug him.

It felt so good to have Robbe here with him.

Perhaps company was exactly what he nedded.

„We were actually about to order some dinner, so perfect timing, I guess.“ Lucas explained, opening up a delivery app on his phone, falling into a light discussion and a bit of banter, about what they should get to eat, with Sander. They left the two best friends by the entrance, in favor for the sofa in the living room.

Robbe and Jens, not yet ready to break apart from their comfort for each other, stood in silence, arms wrapped around their bodies and heads buried in the crook of their necks. 

This year could just end without them.

### Jan 1st, Friday 15:50

Jens didn’t liked the person he saw in the mirror.

Not that he could pinpoint to the exact reason. It was just a general feeling, as he stared into his own eyes for a long minute, after he had turned off the tab.

He didn’t even look that bad, apart from the shadows under his eyes and a stupid little spot above his eyebrow he had scratched open accidently. So it probably was just his exhaustion letting him think this.

He hadn’t caught a lot sleep, but the couple of hours he had, had been nice. All four boys yet again squeezing once more on his bed. For a second time. This might actually become a thing for some weird reason, he feared. Because at breakfast, it had sounded as if Robbe and Sander had planed to stay at least til sunday, til his other firends would return as well and school would right after.

Which was fine. Really. But also a bit overwhelming. It meant that he didn’t get to have a lot of time to hang back in his own thoughts, as some person was constantly around. As if to check on him. And maybe they did that. Jens wasn’t really keen to find out if his hunch was true. He probably would hate them a little for mothering him. Perhaps it was just his imagination, allowing his slight paranoia.

He sighed, as he turned and dried his hand before he took another second, standing lost infront of the still locked door. He could hear Sander pleading for something to stop, as the laughter of his sister continued relentlessly.

His lips’s curled up unintentional. He probably should get this boy whaterver he would ask for in all eternity, as he took it upon himself to keep Lotte busy all day. It meant for Jens to be able to leave and buy groceries with Robbe tagging along, while Lucas insisted on taking care of the laundry.

Jens had tried to tell his boyfriend that he wasn’t any longer mad at him, all in vain. Apparently Lucas could be quite stubborn if he wanted to. Something Jens hadn’t really experienced until today, when it was clear that that night was one of the reasons, the younger boy had strictly kept asking it.

„What the hell happened? I was barely gone for a minute.“

He stood in the doorway to the livingspace, Sander sprawled dead center on his back, with Lotte kept attacking him with her stuffed bunny, hold by it’s left ear, as she stood above Sander’s poor chest, only helplessly attempted to be covered by arms. Them both wheezing madly, yelping for air.

Lucas and Robbe just sat at the dinner table, an opened laptop in front of them, as there eyes didn’t even glanced up while shrugging. Certaintly unimpressed by the war fought right next to them.

It definitely gave Sander the chance, of Lotte being briefly distracted by her big brother entering, to place his hands firmly at her sides, to lift her up, as she wiggled and shouted to be let down again. Nonethelss both laughing brightly.

Jens would have probably at least cackled at the sight any other day, but simply couldn’t find it in him today. So he only smirked back at them, and left the two chaotic crack-heads to their own devices.

„Dude, you’ve been gone for like fifteen minutes.“ Robbe teased, as he briefly looked up at Jens, walking towards the kitchen to turn the kettle on. That was surprising, he could have sworn he had only glanced at his own image.

„Really? Hadn’t realised.“

„Green tea.“ Lucas only chimed in, not missing a beat, as soon as he heard the little peep that kettle did, when it started. A sound that Jens expected to be specifically created to be heard by his boyfriend at any time, anywhere in the house. Lucas always managed to let Jens know he wanted tea, even if he had been upstairs.

„And what are you up to?“ Jens curiously asked, sneaking an intented look across the opened screen, before he went to get cups. He only had seen the internet browser showing google results, for something he hadn’t been able to read.

„Nothing!“ 

It quickly echoed through the room from both boys in unison, as the laptop was swiftly thrown shut.

Ominous.

„Okay?“ Jen tried to put it off, certainly a little worried, what they kept from him, but he didn’t wanted to ask. It was the first day of the new year. And fighting with the people he was closest to definitely wasn’t anywhere on the agenda. So he let it slide. For now.

„We’ve bought cake.“ Robbe simply declared, when he got up from his chair, followed by Lucas who expressed how hungry he was in a whine. That was adorbale enough to let Jens forget about the odd reaction a second ago.

„Cake?“ 

Sander rushed to them, Lotte now piggyback wrapped around him. How was this boy not tired? Clearly he must be ripped or something, because Jens knew that his sister was tiny, it didn’t mean she got lighter, the longer one carried her.

„Yes, definitely got you apple crumble. I know you love it.“ Robbe said delighted, kissing his boyfriend, who hummed in agreement. Lotte making some disgusted sounds from his back, reminding them that she was still there and way too close.

Jens only shook his head at them, when he went to take care of their cups of tea. 

It was already getting darker outside, he couldn’t wait for spring to come. Perhpas it would help to lift his mood a little easier once the sun would decidedly stay longer than two hours. For now the time he had with Robbe, Sander and obviously Lucas around must simply suffice.

# End of week 10

(It's All So Incredibly Loud by Glass Animals)

* * *

_Only three more weeks ahead of us,_   
_feels like so much and yet so little at the same time._

_Hopefully you all made it well into the new year and got to rest a little from everything that is happening in the world. 2021, baby!!_ 🥳  
  
 _Thank you for reading!_ ❤️

**_Summaries for the three clips on Wed 30th:_ **

  
_Jens recieves a call by Dr. Henin, who tells him to bring his mother to the hospital as soon as they can, as she got worse. Jens tells her to come in late tomorrow. He then falls into a panic, runs out to try to get fresh air, as he can’t seem to breath. His friends obviously aware and behind him. Lucas helps him out of his panic and accompanies him back inside the cabin._   
  
_Everyone gathers around the dining table. Jens finally confides in his friends and tells them that his mother is dying of cancer, as well as Lotte being left in his care. It is all very brief and undetailed. But the group is clearly taken aback and feels sorry for their friend. Lucas and him leave to go to bed, needing to be up early for their drive home. Jens feels guilty for ruining their trip._

_Lucas and Jens lay in bed, similar to that first morning they hooked fingers after halloween. Jens feels hurt and scared to loose his mom and with it his memories of her one day. They fall asleep, with Lucas holding him in his arms._


	11. Oft Gefragt - Week 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are in week 11!!
> 
> And this time I gave this chapter a German song that I strongly adore and given the language barrier:  
> If you should be interessted to listen to it, at the very end down below I posted a rough translation into english.
> 
> Enjoy!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Oft Gefragt - Week 11

### Jan 2nd, Saturday 18:17

„Can you grab me some soy sauce, while you are there?“

„Sure, one sec.“ Jens said, walking over towards the kitchen to get himself some more water to drink and Sander his requested soy sauce. It had been Robbe’s idea to cook something akin to asian cousin. It probably wasn’t authentic, just some simple steamed vegtables and rice. But it had sounded easy enough, still half of it somehow was still half rare while the others almost fell apart. So maybe a bit harder than expected.

Jens had told them to do it in steps, divide the different vegetables and take two pots, or add the second half later. But the others were stuubornly positive it wouldn’t make much of a difference. It had been very satisfying to tell his friends „I told you so“. Jens also recognised that Robbe and Sander shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a kitchen if cooking together.

He opened the fridge to get his water and then the cupboard right next to it. He could have just grabbed the bottle and be done with it, when his eyes caught a glimpse of the sweets stuffed into the upper shelf. He knew what he looked at and it made him halt in his tracks for a second.

It was a simple bar of chocolate. While also being a specific kind of a dark chocolate bar. Yet nothing else. 

Untrue. Because it was his mother’s, left behind. 

She loved this type the most. He never understood why. He had tried it once at twelve and decidedly hated it. He still could remember the ghost of the strong bitterness left on his tounge. It hadn’t even melted as easily, instead only proofed to be rather firm to the bite. All in all something his child self wouldn’t recommend. Awful experience.

However now he felt kinda tempted to try it again sometime. If only to see if he may be able to understand his mom a little better now. His taste could easily have changed.

Or perhaps he should just throw it out instead. Out of sight. Out of mind.

Closing the door of the cupboard again, he put the soy sauce next to his water, before he took his phone from his jeans’s pocket. The urgency suddenly forcing his thoughts to circle in on one single dumb fear. He just needed reassurance. That’s all.

_Jens 18:20: I love you_

He stared at it maybe a little too intense, his grip tight on his phone. Tight enough to let his knuckles turn slowly paler. His frown grew a little stronger too, until there appeared three little dots almost immediately.

_Mom 18:21: I love you too_

Jens swallowed down the lump in his throat.

She was still there. Just a tap away on his phone. Had he honestly just spend a whole minute worried about this fact no longer being true? They had phoned only two hours ago, while Lucas had talked to his own mom. Exited to see her on monday again. Jens thought of himself a bit silly to feel the rush of relief as he read the four words in the reply again.

Shutting the screen off again he blinked away any trace of dweeling tears, that he had found himself embarrassingly close to. Lotte was eating at the table, just behind him. He just had to take a deep breath and be fine.

So he did that, just before he turned and collected the things from the counter.

„Took you forever. If I hadn’t been able to see you, I may have assumed you running to buy some.“ Sander mocked, eager to take the little bottle from his hand, as he sat down next to Lucas.

„Shut up, dude. Or next time you get up. You are only lucky that you are my best friend’s boyfriend.“ Jens joked right back, still fingers wrapped around the bottom of the bottle. Both boys grinning at each other over the table, before Jens gave in and let go.

„Very gracious of you.“

„I am an angel, I know.“

„Can you two stop flirting, so we can finally eat?“ Lucas faked annoyance, rolling his eyes as the smirked curled up on his lips, too busy concentrating on holding the chosticks correctly.

„You are just jealous.“ Sander accused right back, way too amused about being flipped off by the younger boy next to Jens, who simply ignored him to join Robbe, and his little sister, to see if their little steaming experiment had been succsessful. Or at least edible, given Lotte failing to pierce through the piece of broccoli in her bowl.

### Jan 3rd, Sunday 11:31

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/639285278033543168/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Jan 3rd, Sunday 16:05

„You promise you’ll be okay?“

„Yes Robbe. It’s fine.“ Jens assured, rasing his arm to pull his best friend into a tight hug, as they all stood by the front door. They had hastely collected all of the things tht Robbe and Sander had brought and promptly scattered across Jens’s room. And now they watched the two boys put on their coats and shoes.

„Can’t you both also stay here like Lucas?“ Lotte asked, sitting on the second to bottom stairs when she pulled a face to express her sulky mood. It obviously was meant to imply that she wanted Sander not to leave. But it also was yet another remainder for Jens to see his sister assume Lucas to be part of this family.

Why was it so hard for him to just let it slide and accept?

„Unfortunately not. But we can probably be back soon. Okay?“ Sander promised, scooping up the little girl getting up from her place to wrap her arms around the older boy’s neck.

„Okay.“ She mumbled, not pleased with the situation, but looking alright enough to let them go home.

„We see each other tomorrow then, I guess.“ Robbe also stepped out of the embrace, to bid his goodbye to Lucas next to them, happy to stand a little further back from the group and hand them their luggage, once freed by the Stoffels siblings.

„Unfortunately. I don’t want to think about school tomorrow.“ 

There was general agreement to Jens’s reply. Lotte’s whine the loudest of all of them, back on her feet and getting closer to her big brother, when Robbe opened the door. Sander already with the large suitcase in hand and a bag around his shoulder.His best friend carrying the large backpack. 

They really had just gotten here immediately after their arrival in Antwerp. Jens didn’t know how he deserved these two idiots, but for some reason he had the luck to call them their friends.

„Robbe.“ Jens stated, a smirk on his lips, as he shook his head and pushed the boy out of the doorway, his best friend still occupied. „I’m going to be fine til tomorrow. Go home.“

„I’ll text you later.“

„Do whatever you have to do.“

„Alright, alright.“ Robbe smilied, his gaze glanced past his head, waving once more over Jens’s shoulder to Lucas and Lotte standing by the stairs. The door fell closed a second after. Leaving the three in a moment of silence.

Jens turned on his heels, his eyes strict on his little sister.

„I think someone has promised to clean up their room.“ He stated rather gleeful. Sander and her had made a mess of it, dragging all of her art supplies from the shelfes and cupboards. And Jens had made her agree that he wouldn’t have to lift a single finger and help with her clean-up before school started again.

„I don’t remember.“ Lotte declared, the grin spread wide on her face, as she took the stairs, giggling all the way up. There was a loud thud as a door was thrown shut. He’d was close to follow her and tell her to stop doing that, but was distracted at once, when two arms slung around his middle from behind. Lucas’s lips pressing a kiss to his skin of his neck. His breath slightly ticklish.

„Let’s watch something, till dinner?“ 

Jens was positive he forgot how to decline an offer, and only found himself nodding along, before they wobbled over towards the living room and the sofa’s comfort. It took them definitely too long. Both of them rather busy cackling, as the silly younger boy just wouldn’t let go of the body he clung onto. Not even with the half-serious complaints Jens voiced, whenever he wasn’t laughing.

### Jan 4th, Monday 17:22

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/639399151837282304/tagged-odi-et-amo85-tayspots)

### Jan 4th, Monday 20:10

The house lay perfectly still, only disturbed by the door falling into the lock and keys ringing as they were placed onto the wooden surface of the small cabboard next to the entrance.

It was dark inside, the streetlights only illuminating a strip of the room as they shone through the small window. He was breathing slow without much of an idea what to do now. The silence was uncommon. Almost surreal, when he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been alone.

Jens wasn’t thinking about the parts of the night when everyone around him was fast asleep. He wasn’t thinking about the times he would go grocery shopping or sit on a bus or walk home from school. He tried to think about an instance of him being the sole person at home.

Had anything like that happened before?

Certainly he must remember that if it had, because right now, he felt awful coming home after a long day to nothing but silence.

On his way here, he had thought that he’d prefer this to a busy house. It would give him a little time to ponder over today and his visit to his mom. They hadn’t told Lotte. It had been Jens’s idea, unsure about both siblings going to see her in the hospital tomorrow, when he couldn’t be convinced by his mom’s texts that it would be fine. 

The nervosity carried in the back of his head over the whole day in school, Jens had mulled over how his mother would look, or how she would feel, if she would be able to stay up for a couple of hours. He knew that she slept a lot, had told him yesterday late at night. So he wouldn’t want Lotte to just have to sit in a hosiptal room staring at their resting mother, pale and unresponsive. It couldn’t be good for an eight-year-old to experience, right?

His visit though had went much better than he had thought. Therefore he enjoyed the relief he recieved after he had left to head home. Lotte already excitedly looking forward to tomorrow. At least he could bring her assured to spend an afternoon full of talking. Lotte also had promised to bring a book to read for their mom.

Jens smiled gently at that thought. Still dressed in his jacket and shoes. Still shouldering his backpack. He recognised he hadn’t moved since he had stepped into the house. Into the house who only hold silence. For an odd reason he thought of it as unexpected. Jens also noticed why that was. 

Lucas wasn’t home.

Here. He meant to use here.

He scolded himself, as he sighed and moved to slip out of his sneakers. The jacket unceremonialy left ontop of his backpack to his left. Jens fumbled along the wall, the light blinding him with a loud click. 

The last weeks had his boyfriend around him at all times. He’d only had to call or reach out at any moment and the dutch boy would appear close by. He hadn’t forgotten about Lucas staying with his mom at his place for the next two nights. However it hadn’t registered with Jens that that really implied that Lucas wasn’t here today nor tomorrow. 

Jens quite probably could call him right now, talk to him for the next twenty minutes until the doorbell would ring to let them know that Lotte was back. Jens could do that. If it wouldn’t be for the fact, that he’d feel guilty for stealing away the little time Lucas got to spend with his mom. So maybe not.

The light in the livingroom turned on and his eyes glanced through the room peaceful and tidied up infront of him. It looked as if no one had been here for a while. The green blocky numbers on the digital cloick of the stove let him know, that it was close to hal past eight. He really had soend that much time lost in thought, huh?

Puzzled how he could be happy to have his sister home soon, while simultaneously feeling anxious to have to bring up even more energy today, he went to sit on the sofa. If it would be up to him, he’d simply go and fall into bed. Perhaps manage to remind himself to charge his phone in the process of getting changed. But that would be it.

Instead he sat in the livingroom doing nothing but waiting for the doorbell.

It remained silent for another five long minutes.

Jens only stared straight ahead. Drained at the mere thought of moving again.

It did ring though, with muffled voices on the other end, as he came closer.

How he mustered to bring a smile onto his face and some brightness into his voice, he didn’t know. He had them though, as he opened the door to his little sister rushing to hug him, chatting away about her day.

„Thank you so much, Lars. Honestly. You want to come in for something to drink or...“

„Kind, but no thank you. I have to get back. Though I’ll see you on friday, right?“

„Absolutely. Have a great night.“

“You, too, Jens. You, too.”

### Jan 5th, Tuesday 17:51

„And Martin did steal the pen. I saw him put it in his pocket.“

„Really? The teacher did nothing?“

Jens sat on the chair by the window, listening in on the story he already had been told on his way over to the hospital. So his eyes had darted out onto the lawn of the courtyard, only one or two shadows passing in the yellow light of lamps, as the crossed from one building to the other.

„No they did. Martin had to pull it back out to show that he had taken it. Obviously.“

„Obviously. Of course.“

His mom’s giggle made his lips curl up into a soft smile. She had been even livelier today. Her spirits bright and high as soon as they had stepped into the room, presenting their mother with a large bouquet of flowers ranging from white to orange and pink. Lotte and him had passed the flower shop on their way to the busstop and his little sister had tugged on his arm, while she told him she wanted to bring the bouquet displayed in it’s window. Or at least something similar. Not as massive as the overly expensive one they had seen. They still had to be able to find a vase for it here.

„Yes, but he didn’t apologise, even though Olivia was really upset.“

„Not even when the teacher was there?

Jens also had gotten an extra one of these white flowers with dark green leaves. It looked a little like a blooming twig. Camellias? But he really thought it looked quite pretty on it’s own, and had promptly wanted to give one to Lucas tomorrow. Boys also liked flowers, right? Jens wasn’t sure. He knew he would love to get one, but hadn’t recieved a single flower in his life yet. He also hadn’t seen other boys get one. Perhaps this was a stupid idea. Or not. He was definitely overthinking this.

„No. Martin is awful, everyone in class thinks he is stupid.“

„I definitely get why. I’m sorry for you and I hope he is learning to be better.“

His gaze lifted from the ground outside, back into the room. His phone rested on the window sill next to him. The screen lightened up with another notification, he guessed, swallowing down the groan in his throat. Since yesterday, and him being oddly quiet in the group, Jens had recieved a couple of messages from everyone, asking if he is fine, if he needed anything. And though he really wanted to appreciate their concern and worry, he grew rather annoyed with each incoming new text.

„I don’t know. I’m not sure.“

„Olivia hopefully feels better? You are a great friend to stick up for her.“

The message could also be one from Lucas or Robbe. Or maybe Sander? All exceptions to his strict ignorance towards anyone else. He knew it wasn’t fair to his friends, he just couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. Maybe with Lucas around tomorrow, he’d be able to answer them and apologise for the late reply as well as assure them that he was doing alright. Because he was.

„Mhm, I guess. Olivia is my best friend. Also she would do the same.“

„I am pretty sure, you are right. What are you two doing on friday?“

Without another thought, Jens picked up the phone. Checking on the newest notification. And to his surprise it was another email from his dad, Hendrik. He straightened up in his chair on alert, as his eyes curiously stared at the litte bit of text, that only told him a quick greeting. Other than the document that he had recieved by mail the week before christmas, Jens hadn’t heard from him again. Nervous he slid his finger across the screen, the message opening up.

„Oh Olivia is coming over to play. We are not sure yet what we are doing. But Jens said that he would try and bake a cake for her birthday.“

„That’s really nice. It must be sad for her to not be able to celebrate it with all of her friends. But good that she has you.“

Jens’s hear briefly focused in on the conversation of his sister and mom at the mentioning of his name, however, as it only revolved around friday, his attention was swiftly set back on his phone.

Hello Jens,

I hope you are handling everything as well as possible, given your mother’s situation. And further I hope you have found that I changed the sum of the monthly bank transfer, as well as I send you an additional bit of money into your own savings account. It’s not much, but perhaps it will suffice to pay for university in summer. 

The main reason, that I am writing you now, is that I have my trip to visit you Helena planned out. I will arrive at the Alta harbour in Norway this weekend, and from there I’m going to take a car over Stockholm and Hamburg to get some more work done. There is a professor in Hambrug who has done quite some research in my field, who could really help me out. But I don’t think you’d be even remotely interessted in that. I also have to make a stop in Brussels at my university for funding.

To get to the point. If everything goes well, I’ll be in Antwerp the week after.

Roughly the 17th til the 20th. 

And I’ll make sure to see your mother hopefully most days, though I’d love to see you as well. And Lotte perhaps?

We don’t have do decide on anything yet or make arrangements, just think about it maybe?

I would love to hear from you.

With kindest regards,

Hendrik

„I know and she is sleeping over as well. It’s going to be a lot of fun. Maybe we can build a pillow fort or something. I hope Lucas is going to be there as well. He wasn’t yesterday or today. Which I don’t like.“

„It’s okay to miss him, but he also needs to be there for his friends and family from time to time, you know.“

Jens leaned his head back into his neck, closing his eyes, as he placed his phone blindly back onto the window sill. Not having the energy to deal with everything that was this email. He somehow had forgotten about it. About the fact that his father would come to see his mom and stay for a couple of days. Jens wondered if he’d be even able to avoid him, if Hendrik would be around the hospital a lot as he had implied in writing. Jens also hadn’t talked to Lotte about it. He felt a headache slowly rising, trying his best to concentrate on the cheerful voices occupying the space of the room instead.

„Oh. Right! Mom! I brought a book to read. I got so much better, because I read for Sander on the weekend, and he said so.”

„Well, then it must be true. As long as I get to cuddle you, I promise to listen intently.“

### Jan 6th, Wednesday 19:03

„No, no. Uh, let’s just write a mail or something. I know. I know. I just got back, so I’ll text you later or okay?“

The voice grew louder, after rustling of clothes announced the arrival of a person into the house. Jens wasn’t able to make out much of it, but there was a mumbled goodbye and then he saw Lucas step into the livingroom.

„Luc!“ Lotte squeaked delighted as she rushed to run into the laughing body of the boy, already awaiting her greeting with open arms. His phone still in hand, but call apparently ended. 

„I missed you too. Let me actually come in first okay?“

„No, you must deal with our clingy love now. We both were dreadful missing you.“ Jens declared, butting the pen down, next to the unfinished homework he was working on, as he got up to hopefully hug his boyfriend as soon as his little sister would let go. Which could take a while, he feared.

„Right.“ Lucas only replied in disbelief, ruffling Lotte’s head. Perhaps hoping it would make her step back. But she only voiced a bit of annoyance tightening her grip. Jens just shrugged unhelpful from where he stood, his little sister in between the two boys, sharing a smile and gaze. „Like Lotte I get, but you? We saw each other literally the whole day in school.“

„It’s different“

„It’s different.“ Lucas mocked as he repeated the words with an amused grin and roll of his eyes. Jens thought he was correct. Because he still didn’t feel too comfortable to just show his affection in such a public space as school. He didn’t even know why. It just felt odd. It shouldn’t though. But Lucas didn’t seemed to mind that much. Or he did and simply decided against bringing it up. 

They remained a little longer like that. Each somehow just hanging in their own heads.

„We saw mom yesterday.“ Lotte broke the silence that had wedged itself into the pause between them.

And with that, she let go of the younger boy, before she began to tell Lucas about everything that had happened yesterday. It also reminded Jens of the still wrapped flower that stood in a glass of water on the table. Before the silly nervousness could settle in his stomach though, he decided to first wrap his own arms around Lucas’s middle and place a gentle kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead.

„That happy to have me back, huh.“

„Shut up.“

„Make me.“

Lucas only whispered these last two words. The bright smile clear on his face, even when he bit his lip, as Jens noticed, his gaze dropping to catch it. It was close to nothing and yet made his heart beat faster. So he leaned in, Lucas’s head tilted, eyes close in warm familiarity, before Jens felt the soft lips against his. A hand brushing his jaw, as it went to settle in his neck, pulling him closer.

A bit too breathless, they parted only reluctantly. Jens’s fingers still dugged into the fabric of the sweater on the younger boy’s back, earning a quiet laugh from Lucas, who didn’t complain being hold hostage for another minute or two.

But Lotte was in the same room and Jens had to finish at least this stupid stupid map for geography before he could start on dinner. And there was still the flower. Lucas also would stay til sunday. 

„Well, I, uhm.“

„Yes?“ 

Jens decided that it would be easier to just get the damn thing on the table. It was frustrating not to know whey he got that flustered over such a small thing. Maybe he should have asked Robbe or Sander. Jens always dated girls. It was easier to know what was appropiate and what wasn’t All girls like flowers.

„This is for you.“ He blurted out, quite clumsy, as he hold out his arm to present the paper wrapped flower to Lucas. It was awkward and plainly ridiculous. They dated for two fucking month. It shouldn’t mean that much. But to Jens it did. Now that he thought about it, they hadn’t really gifted each other something yet. Neither for christmas nor for Jens’s birthday in november. Which he didn’t minded at all. He didn’t need presents. 

Lucas was certainly a litte stunned by the gesture, his eyes wide and his hand accepting the gift, while his other freed it of the paper, only to show the white bloom settled between the dark green leaves. It wasn’t even a big flower. Or a rose or something equally romantic.

Why had he done this? 

Ridiculous, Jens thought, it proabably was too late to take it back huh?

But before regret could actually emerge, it was quickly replaced by pride, when Lucas’s whole eypression lit up into amazement as his eyes darted from the flower in his hand to Jens and back.

„This is so sweet. I love it. But why?“ The younger boy said, as he went to kiss Jens once more, who only stood and watched, not yet sure what to say in return.

So he only shrugged, trying to look non-chalant about the whole affair.

„Thank you.“

That was enough to have made it all worth, Jens decided right then after Lucas had told him this. Both staring at each other for a little while longer, before Lotte loudly declared for the younger boy to put the flower back into water, before it would die.

Definitely not the worst of ideas.

### Jan 7th, Thursday 13:58

The classroom emptied rather quickly after the teacher had dismissed them. Moyo had started to collect his loose pens already ten minutes ago and now only waited for Jens to shove his notes into his backpack.

Usually his friend would have mocked him endlessly to be too slow and urge him to hurry. Not today though and not for a couple of days now. Instead he leaned against the table next to them, scrolling on his phone, waiting in patience.

It pissed Jens off immensly.

But he hadn’t said anything yet, assuming that Moyo just tried to be considerate of him. However, it only confirmed what Jens had believed all along these past months. It had been better to keep it secret. This way he at least had his friends not treat him like he’d break down every other day.

Already frustrated, Jens got up with a sigh and unfortunately looked towards his teacher by her desk, as he followed Moyo outside. The boy telliing him about some meme he’d seen on instagram or something. Jens hadn’t really listened.

„Jens?“ His teacher called out as they almost had made it past her. Her tone was serious and strict. „Can I talk to you for a moment?“

This didn’t sounded good. And apparently Moyo seemed to agree, as his friend drew a sharp breath. The only good thing about it was, that Moyo also had forgotten about his careful treatment of Jens so far.

„Dude, you fucked up. I’m leaving. See ya, never!“ Moyo joked with a smug grin plastered across his stupid face, as he threw Jens a little salute and rushed out of the room.

He hated his friend as much as he loved him.

„Uhm, sure.“ Jens therefore said and made his way over to where she now took a seat, gesturing towards the closest table and chair by her desk, for him to do the same. Jens could just hope that it wouldn’t take too long. He’d rather get a couple of minutes of a break before Physics.

„It won’t take long, I promise.“ She said, smiling lightly at him. His french teacher was always a little stern, which made this all the more confusing. „How are you?“

„Fine.“ 

What else was he supposed to say here? He just shrugged, when she didn’t continue and only nodded. Them both looking at each other for another second. It was greatly uncomfortable. At least Jens felt that way.

„Alright. So here is the deal, the test results before christmas break weren’t that great unfortunately.“ She began and Jens already dreaded whatever it was she was about to say next. „Not all classes, but mine and Math and Geography foremost. For example you didn’t pass mine, neither the other two. Every other class just barely, with a couple points difference only. There are just three exceptions to that, and one of them is P.E. And you are more subdued in classes as well.“

Couldn’t he just leave? 

He didn’t need to hear that. He knew he was failing classes, without being told in an otherwise empty classrooom, while his friends were waiting for him downstairs, possibly already thinking off all the things that they would ask him once he joined.

„We three had a shared call with your homeroom teacher after christmas and we all know that it isn’t easy for you at the moment. That there is much more going on that needs your attention and care at home. That your most pressing issues do not lay in school right now.“ 

He hated it here, as he only could sit and watch her trying to find the correct words. She should just tell him that he wasn’t going to graduate at this rate. He knew this well enough on his own.

„But it is also your graduation year and it is very important that you finish you education. I hope you see that the same way we do. And that you want to graduate in summer, just like everyone else. So the staff came to an agreement.“

Okay maybe he had been wrong, this didn’t sounded as bad any longer, right? 

Jens certainly sat up a bit straighter after she had said that. 

„It won’t excuse you slacking off, okay? But given the last test situations. If you at least are attending all your classes, listen to the teachers, and hand in all your homework on time, to a standart that is at least passable for us, we will try to turn a blind eye to your test results. The main reason is, that every year before that you had shown that you are perfectly capable of learning and presenting your knowledge. That’s why we agreed to this in the first place. The homeroom teacher is informed as well, even if this is a little unorthodox.“

Jens didn’t know what to say. This almost sounded to good. Why would they do this?

„This also doesn’t give you a free pass, alright? Still try to do better and recieve higher results. Even if we let you pass classes, you don’t want to have to apply to university with the minimum of a passing grade, understood?“

She threw him a strict look, as she waited for him to answer, that was more familiar to him than the gentle expression she had started out with.

„Yes, of course.“

This was probably his best chance to still be able to finish school. He could definitely do this. He had to.

„Okay, I’ll let the other teachers know. And now off with you, I’ll see you next week.“

Jens didn’t needed to be told twice, his jacket and backpack already picked up as he went to stand and flee the classroom. Not before turning around in the doorframe though. His teacher looking up at him questioningly.

„Thank you. Really. Thank you.“

And there was the smile again, that let her appear almost likable. Perhaps she was a bit more pleasent than he would have assumed. He returned her smile before he left. 

It was the least he could do.

### Jan 8th, Friday 17:23

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/639760488848359424)

### Jan 8th, Friday 21:32

„It didn’t even look like a snowflake. More like a big blob of nothing.“

„We hang the whole ceiling full of them, you should have seen it. So cool.“

Jens watched the two girls giggling though their story, told with too many pauses and constant overlaps of their voices. So much so that he had a hard time to figure out who said what. But it didn’t concern him too much, as they care not much for him and only for Lucas.

Lotte, Olivia and his boyfriend sat crosslegged in the pillow fort, which they all had build over the afternoon. Dinner had been eaten an hour ago and the tiny crumbs, left on otherwise empty dessert plates, were the last reminders of the birthday cake.

Except for the one large piece Jens had saved to give to Lars tomorrow morning, once Olivia would be picked up again.

He stood by the door, halted in affection towards the scene he had found. 

He hadn’t even dared to interrupt them yet, instead opted to lean on the frame, his head resting against the wood, while he smiled at Lucas asking some question, that made no sense to Jens.

„No that would be silly.“ Olivia accused, cackling delighted as Lucas only helplessly shrugged in response.

„Alright. Go on then.“ He tried, hands raised in defense, a loopsided grin on his lips, that Jens hadn’t see so soft and gentle before. His heart fluttered with a faster beat and he was no longer sure if one could actually fall deeper in love, despite being in a relationship for months already.

Lotte didn’t wasted another second to disabuse the poor boy sitting lost between two chattering eight-year-olds as she further explained: „So first you have to take the paper like Emma had done in class.“

She went on to hold up a piece of paper and folded it twice, then laid it back down in their center of the half circle. Though at this point Jens had been noticed, all three pairs of eyes falling on him. Olivia had spotted him first, his name spoken in surprise.

„Don’t mind me.“ Jens only declared, not moving from his place. It somehow was insanly comfortable.

„Ladies, if you’d excuse me.“ Lucas played the part of a gentlemen, little nod and and posh voice included as he rose from his seat, though rather ungraceful, stooped under the stretched blanket of the fort.

Jens bit back a laugh at the attempt from Lucas to step out of the construction, almost falling over the cups at it’s entrace. It wasn’t the biggest thing they could have build, no matter if it contained already half the room. 

Lotte and Olivia had been pretty admant about this size as the bare minimum, both strictly insiting to sleep in the fort tonight. Which also therfore included a huge array of pillows cushioning the floor and two strings of star-shaped fairylights spending a warm light.

Jens was actually quite proud of their achivement, mainly his and Lucas’s under watchful eyes and demanding voices of two girls from the sidelines.

„Hey there.“ Lucas said. And yes Jens definitely fell deeper, enamored by the gorgeous smile and brazen wink he was greeted by, before his boyfriend stopped infront of him. Only to be grapped by his hand and pulled from the doorframe into a kiss.

„I was perfectly fine without you over here.“ Jens teased, when he found his breath again, a grin on his lips.

„Really? Well I can go again.“

„Don’t you dare.“ He replied, holding onto Lucas’s hand, when the younger boy intended to leave fim for the company of his little sister and Olivia again. For a second Jens had expected Lucas to keep uo the act and walk away, instead Lucas gave in easily. Still fingers intertwined, while his boyfriend went to rest his forehead on Jens’s shoulder with a yawn.

„Did they already exhaust you that bad?“ 

Jens’s question was only answered with a nod. Jens couldn’t hold it against him. He as well felt rather sleepy, especially after that first week back in school.

„You did a great job though. Maybe you should consider becoming a kindergartner.“ He said into the mop of curls that he breathed a kiss into. And one more while he waited for Lucas’s answer.

„No. I’ve got other ideas.“ The younger boy said tentive, pushing himself back to be able to lock eyes with Jens, his expression more serious all of a sudden. Jens frowned. However, he let Lucas explain first.

„I’m actually planning on studying law.“

Jens was baffled. Actually perplexed. They hadn’t really talked about their plans yet and even though he hadn’t had imagined their future fields of studies, let alone professions, yet, it took him by surprise. How would that work for their relationship? Law sounded like such a hard and long process to endure and invest years in.

And Lucas was a bright student. Of course it should be something matching his brillance, Jens pondered, unsure what to make out of it now. He didn’t know what he would like to do with himself. Suddenly he felt a little insecure.

Not even considering the fact that Lucas would most likely move back with his mother at the end of the school year.

Their graduation was still six month from now, he had still time, right?

„Are you okay?“

Shaken from his thoughts, his gaze focused back on Lucas and the worried smile he saw across the younger boy’s face. He tried to look happy again, just like he had before the topic had somehow dropped a huge weight onto him. It worked not as well as he had hoped. Perhaps he was shaking a little?

„How about we talk this through another time and not infront of these two.“ Lucas suggested, back on his cheerful tone and expression. Perhaps his boyfriend could read minds. He gestured with one hand behind him, while he left Jens by the door, to collect his phone from the pillow fort.

„How about some music?“ The younger boy asked into the room. The little sound of the blutooth speaker on Lotte’s desk chimed loudly as it turned on, followed by Kool & The Gang with Celebration. Jens huffed a laugh at it, shaking his head, as Lucas started to sway on his spot. „Girls, Jens needs some solace.“

Lotte and Olivia didn’t needed to be told twice, when they jumped up in the fort and darted out towards the older boy. He was tugged further into the room, and then put in between the three people dancing around him for some reason, that only made him wheeze, amused at the ridiculous sight. 

And even though the two girls hummed along the melody and pulled his hands to move in beat with them, his gaze only saw Lucas. His infatuation for the boy only growing by the second. To a daunting degree, it almost felt to much for his heart to handle. So he tried to not think too much about it. Not now.

Jens watched Lucas amazed by the soft beauty in his movement. His daring blue eyes shining in the yellowish lights dancing across his face, as he spun Lotte around. His carefree laugh consuming any other sound for Jens inmidst the chaotic mess that was this room. 

Between draped blankets and star covered pillows Jens only wanted to live in this moment forever.

# End of week 11

(Oft Gefragt by AnnenMayKantereit)

* * *

_This week was a bit more subdued I think, much calmer than the week before and it will be different from next week. This was just my personal breather._

_The clips are a bit shorter, basically just brief moments throughout the week and I really hope you enjoyed them nonetheless._

_Thank you so so much for reading this still and checking up on it and leaving likes. You are so kind and I love every single one of you!_ ❤️

_My crude translation of the song's lyrics:_

_Wondered Often_

_You’ve put on my clothes, took off my clothes, raised me_

_And we have moved, I've lied to you_

_I don't do drugs, and I was at school too_

_You've wondered often what tears me apart_

_I didn’t want you to know about that_

_You were alone at home, did miss me_

_And asked yourself what you're still to me_

_And asked yourself what you're still to me_

_Home is always only you_

_Home is always only you_

_You've picked me up and took me there_

_Woken up in the middle of the night because of me_

_As of late, I've often remembered it again_

_We were in Prague, Paris and Vienna_

_In Bretagne and Berlin, however, not in Copenhagen_

_You've wondered often what tears me apart_

_And I’ve stopped to ask myself that_

_You were alone at home, did miss me_

_And asked yourself what you're still to me_

_And asked yourself what you're still to me_

_Home is always only you_

_Home is always only you_

_I have no homeland, I’ve got only you_

_You are home forever and to me_

_You are home forever and to me_

_You are home forever and to me_

_You are home forever and to me_

_You are home forever and to me_

_You are home forever and to me_

_I have no homeland, I’ve got only you_

_You are home forever and to me_


	12. My Life Is A Song For You - Week 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week 12 is here... 
> 
> the second to last time that I'll post a chapter to this fic here. Next week we will reach the end after I have written this daily for the last three month. Odd how emotional I feel about this.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it as much as it is possible.

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## My Life Is A Song For You - Week 12

### Jan 9th, Saturday 14:17

The three stood infront of the entrance.

Unmoving, when they simply waited for one of them to say something. Anything.

Jens knew why. Since they had bid goodbye to Lars and Olivia, he had been oddly quiet all day. And though Lotte and Lucas had tried to let him be and go on with their conversations, it also affected them. It caused the talking to get more sporadic on their way to the hospital until it died down once the car was parked.

Jens couldn’t quite place the feeling he had. A bit like a fight or flight type situation. Uncomfortable to put it lightly. 

But Lotte grabbed his hand and it reminded him that he wasn’t alone here.

„Okay, we should probably head inside. Mom is definitely that close to call us.“ Jens tried to joke a little, if only to lift his own mood, while the smile on his face felt a bit off. However, it seemed to to be working when Lotte’s lips curled up into a more pleased expression.

„We should hurry.“ She agreed, looking up over to Lucas on her other side with expectation.

„Sorry to dissapoint, but I can’t go in. Only one person and that person is Jens.“ He excused himself, as Jens watched him comb through his hair. Nervous, he thought and sighed. It should be Jens explaining that to Lotte instead of the younger boy.

It wasn’t even that he wouldn’t be happy to see his mom. If he could he would spend every minute he could with her. No matter, if that only meant to watch her sleep all day.

Instead he had to do with the couple of days a week, for the couple of hours he could stay, under the restriction to always have a new negative test before entering her room. It was a hassle.

And he’d do it anytime.

Yet, it wasn’t the reason of his restrained behaviour. If Jens was completely honest with himself, he hated being here. Hated the white walls and the few people crossing in the hallways, dressed in white with deep frowns and drk shadows under their eyes. And most of all did he hate to see her get worse.

His mom already had texted him this morning to tell him, that she was a bit weak today and that he should let Lotte know as well. Which he had done. Jens just wasn’t sure his little sister understood it.

„So, I’ll meet you here around nine then, I guess?“ Lucas asked, as he briefly kneeled down do give Lotte a tight hug and then went to peck a quick kiss onto Jens’s lips. 

„Definitely. Promise to not forget about us, okay?“ It felt easier to make that joke, when he saw Lucas’s roll of his eyes and his bright grin. 

Lucas hadn’t been cross about his afternoon alone, especially not when he had made plans to go to his place and zoom call his friends in Utrecht. To talk and play games and just have fun. Jens almost envied him. And he hated himself a little more for that. 

He would see his mom, instead of calls and texts, and he’d cherish it in the future to have been with her in person instead of seeing his friends. Right? Right.

„I could never. And I’ll definitely send them your love, expecially from Lotte, alright?“

„Yes!“ Lotte shouted at Lucas, before he pecked another chaste kiss on Jens’s cheek, and went to leave the two siblings to their hostital visit. He turned two more times to check up in them.

It made Jens genuinely smile, as he thought of it adorable, while he joined his little sister to wave at the boy growing smaller in the distance with each new step.

„Ready to see mom?“ He asked Lotte, who turned her head to beam at him, nodding furiously as she clutched his hand even tighter. This certainly helped to calm the low anxiety he felt in his bones, when they entered the building and headed towards the desk. 

And while he listened to his little sister explaining roughly what she would have to tell their mom about Olivia’s sleep-over, he managed to clear their visit at the front desk. The way to his mom’s room was not even that long. Yet the dread was seeping in the closer they got.

Perhaps it was just the unknown. 

Perhaps it wasn’t even as bad.

His brain was just defaulting to assume the worst.

But as they reached the room, halfway down a smaller hall on the first floor, he stood corrected. Or validated. It was hard to tell.

„Mom.“ Lotte’s excited voice and leap forward onto the person sitting up in bed, when the door announced their arrival, didn’t match the sight Jens found.

Even though she was propped up against the headrest, with a big pillow cushining her back, she looked exhausted by the simplest movement. Her shoulders slightly hunched and her eyes tired. 

Jens swallowed.

„Hello, my beloved children. It was so boring the last couple of days.“ Their mom said, patting the blanket to her side, to gesture for Lotte to join her. Which his sister didn’t needed to be told again, when she already crawled onto the bed and settled right next to her. „I am so glad you are here.“

He closed the door behind him, his gaze briefly wandering outside, as if someone would come and get him out of here. But the halls were silent and the nurses desk empty.

„Jens said you can’t eat cake. But I made him bring you a little piece anyway. Maybe you can try the chocolate cream? I helped making it.“ Lotte proudly declared, while she waited for Jens to step into the room and hand her the little plastic box from the backpack he had carried.

„Oh I’d love to try it.“ Their mother smiled, wiggling her brows, as she watched Lotte fumble with the lid.

„Apparently baking is now on the list with cooking.“ Jens said. He determined that he would try to ignore anything but the happieness he obviously still felt in seeing his mom. Everything else he could think about tonight.

„It took so long though.“ Lotte voiced, the complain slurred, as she presented the thin slice of Olivia’s brithday cake to their mom, a fork ready to be taken.

„She exaggerates. An hour at most.“ Jens teased and copied his sister who had stuck out her tounge at him. It at least made him huff a laugh, as much as the other two giggled sitting on the bed. 

With a shake of his head and a flood of compliments from their mom as she tried the cake, Jens collected the chair from the window to place it right next to the hospital bed. Right next to his mom on the other side from Lotte.

„And we build a pillow fort. It’s still up. Lucas said, I could keep it over the weekend.“ 

Yeah, Jens decided, it felt good to be here.

### Jan 9th, Saturday 18:54

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/639856681811066881/jan-9th-saturday-1854)

### Jan 10th, Sunday 20:29

When Jens returned to his room to sit back down, the lamp on his desk still on, the phone left next to his opened laptop and his firends’s muffled noices echoing from the speaker, he found himself listening confused to the ongoing call.

„Nononono, Sander, I swear I didn’t say it like that.“ Amusement dripped from Robbe’s voice. „I actually meant that stupid picture you had send into chat without asking first right before.“

„Oh. Sorry, not sorry.“

Moyo was wheezing at Sander’s response. Trying to say something between pressed laughter and breathless sounds, that was incomprehensible at best.

„It was hilarious,“ Aaron chimed in cackling, „My mom thought I had a mental breakdown or something. I was sitting next to her, dude. Next time give a warning. Fuck.“

„Yeah, yeah, you all just laugh about me.“ Robbe didn’t sounded cross at all, instead his voice turned softer and Jens felt lost at the fast paced conversation.

Irritation settled into his mind, only increasing once he focused back onto the game he unpaused, only to see his charackter standing on an now empty field, as sun was setting on the horizon in it’s world. He turned around, trying to spot one of his friends, but only found the woods and the now dim lit house, that they had left earlier before he excused himself.

He hit the unmute button, about to speak, when Robbe noticed him first.

„Hi, Jens! There was like this creepy dude passing us and gave us a quest, we just arrived there a couple minutes ago.“ His best friend briefly explained them missing from the field, half laughing at the impression Aaron tried to give. Sander quickly adding some name of some location that Jens couldn’t quite place. He opened his map, his eyes skimming over it. He couldn’t see anything even resembling that word. 

New quest meant updated map, and that meant that Jens would either have to figure out where that person went that gave the quest or have his friends somehow lead him blindly through the world to them.

Jens checked the time on his phone. He realised that it may have taken him a little longer to bring Lotte to bed. Still it only had been like twenty minutes. It shouldn’t have been as drastic and yet seemed to have been enough to have him left behind alone.

They hadn’t waited for him.

He hadn’t asked them to.

They hadn’t asked him either.

Jens wasn’t sure exactly what lead him to hit the key to open up the menu and swiftly exit the game, but now he stared at the open discord call and decided to wordlessly leave it too. Not a second later, he shut down his laptop and closed it, grabbed his phone, before he pushed him in his chair away from the table. His eyes still lingering on the desk, as his hands fumbled with the phone in hand.

He tried to let his frusttration go with a deep groan, and felt unchanged after. His gaze darting towards the screen of his phone, oddly trasfixed to the time displayed on the screen. Jens didn’t even question the unknown reason, until the first call came in after three minutes. He had counted, he realised. Robbe.

Jens watched it ring, pause, ring again. Two more times before it stayed silent.

No message followed and with a little more strenght than intended, he tossed his phone onto his desk, where it only slid across the corner, to fall with a low thud to the ground. Jens flinched at the sound.

Perhaps he had reacted irrational, just lead by his emotions, but he felt angry and left out and something else that was strongly tugging at his heart. 

And now what? He asked himself in the quiet of his room. The quiet of his house. 

Lucas wasn’t here tonight.

His eyes still on the phone on the floor. He couldn’t even read the time anylonger, as it lay face down. It was probably for the best.

It felt to him like the world was turning faster, when he struggled to keep up and catch on. Always a little behind, just enough to be out of his grasp.

A sort of power that solely affected him, as he watched everyone else move infront of him, the distance growing ever so lightly between them.

Jens wasn’t even certain if it was brought on by his own self or something else lurking at his back.

As much as he wished to be with the rest of them, he was met with the solace in the desire to stop. He could just stand still and let time pass.

If only it wouldn’t come with grim loneliness.

Jens left his phone where it had hit the ground, left his room to walk across the small hallway and opened the door, that stood calm, only slightly opened. He closed it behind him cautious of any sound and slid down back against it. 

Lotte ws peacefully sleeping, the blanket almost burying her completely. She must have moved, as the fabric was crumbled and her back turned to him.

He let his head fall back and waited. Waited until he would be tired enough to care to pick himself up and take his phone and go to bed.

### Jan 11th, Monday 15:07

For one reason or another it happened that there always appeared to be a person from the group close by, to have Jens be able to avoid being left alone with the broerrrs all day. It was a bit of a relief really, to be able to hide behind light conversation and ignore eyes staring into his back.

But now classes for today were over and Jens had to wait for Lucas infront of the school. He didn’t actually had to, but he wanted for them to go together. Thus he stood next to the gate, idly scrolling on his phone, when he heard Robbe’s voice.

„Are you kidding me?“

„What?“ He replied, inclined to just head back inside. However, he really couldn’t when he watched his best friend look somewhat between annoyed but also worried. Jens sighed and simply shrugged his shoulders. 

It was cloudy today. Light rain had left shallow puddles all over the pavement.

„What? You just left yesterday without a fucking word and ignored us all night and today too! That’s what.“ Robbe reproached and took another step closer, to be able to talk without shouting.

The heads of three girls from first year crossing them had turned to watch them curiously, but were quick to continue on their walk to the buststop, when Jens threw them a pissed off expression. Why did they care?

He didn’t really had ayn excuse. That was exactly what he had done. 

„Not cool. We were worried.“

The dissapointment in Robbe’s voice, as he had added this, swallowed him up and spat him out feeling even worse than before.

„I’m sorry.“

„Well, at least you seem to be fine enough to attend school. So what happened?“ Robbe asked, his hand rose to rest on his shoulder, his thumb brushing gentle cricles into the thick fabric. Jens almost couldn’t feel it, but his eyes saw to let him know about the little comfort.

„I don’t know. I just had to be alone.“ A blatant lie. „I should have told you though. I didn’t really think about it.“

His best friend exhaled slowly, the air brisk to let the breath cloud up between them.

„Okay. Can you at least send me a quick text or something next time? I was really worried. I think Sander got really tired of my whining yesterday.“ A smile spread on Robbe’s lips, his tone soft, not implying any real damage. Still Jens hated to have possibly made the couple argue. „But I guess he was right, to say to give you space.“

That explained maybe at least the text he had gotten around seven this morning from the older boy, that only said: Here for you.

„I guess.“ Jens agreed. And even though he felt heavy standing in the cold, he couldn’t stop his lips from curling up, when his best friend genuinly smiled at him.

„Hug?“

„Hug.“ 

Robbe pulled him in. The cold nose, pressed into the curve right under his ear, made Jens yelp under his breath, earning him an amused giggle from his best friend, not moving his head away.

He warpped his arms around Robbe instead, squeezing him tight, maybe too tight. Yet no complains were voiced.

Robbe really didn’t deserved to be treated the way Jens had last night. It made him feel like the biggest asshole, when the image of his worried best friend, calling for the fourth time, as he aimlessly wondered around his room, wouldn’t leave his mind.

„Me too.“ 

Aaron suddenly yelled and not a second later almost knocked the couple over, as he threw himself into the embrace, his arms spread over both of his friends. 

Robbe and Jens laughing, especially gasping for air when Aaron decided to grab Moyo, who just had joined them with Lucas, to also be pressed close against them in an awkward but welcomed group hug.

The issue wasn’t anywhere near being resolved. Not as long as Jens would just hide away. But it felt overwhelmingly nice to know to have his friends around still. For now it was enough.

### Jan 12th, Tuesday 19:28

„And the dog is so cute. I really have to show mom that episode when she is back home.“

Jens halted, his gaze raised from the opened dishwasher to Lotte placing the last two plates on the kitchen counter from dinner. She had been going on all day about a new tv show Olivia had shown her. And Jens had really tried to follow along, but he wasn’t really sure where the dog came from. The only reason his ears had listened in again had been for the last part.

„Lotte?“ He cautionsly called for her to stop in her ongoing chatting, she stood by the fridge, her eyes now curious as she looked at him. She didn’t seemed to have said it on accident.

„Mom is not going to come home.“

„Yes, she is.“ Lotte declared. The cheery smile on her lips unwavering. As if Jens was silly to believe otherwise.

„No she isn’t. Why would you think that?“ Jens inquired, if only to recieve some reason for her determined look.

„Well not right now, but she is always in the hospital to get better. And then she comes home.“

„Not this time.“ Jens said and felt bad to see the lips fall from that happy expression. „I’m sorry.“

„You are lying.“

Lotte sounded so assured, it almost scared him. So he shook his head, watching her cross her arms infront of her chest, as she pursed her lips. Stoic was the right word to describe the way she carried herself.

„You are lying.“ She stated. And Jens would have loved to agree.

„I am not. Mom is not going to come home again.“ 

Was he too stern? Should he let her believe in their mother’s return for a little bit longer? Jens knew she had hinted at it before in many conversations. He probably should have sat her down on that first day after they had brought their mom to the hospital. The thought further keep up the illusion seemed cruel now.

„No!“ Lotte yelled, her voice intense and doubling down in stubborn volume. „Liar!“

„I’m really sorry. I wish I could change that.“

Jens couldn’t have been more truthfull in that moment.

„YOU ARE LYING!“ Lotte screeched as she stomped her feet with force. She tried to make herself taller, straightening her shoulders, the chin raised, as her eyes teared up. 

„Not lying.“ Jens said between pressed teeth. His patience running thin. He wasn’t lying. For once. And all he recieved was disbelief.

„LIAR!“

„ENOUGH!“

There was a suffocating pause before Lotte snivled and attempted to brush tears from her cheeks with jittery fingers. Jens could only feel rueful after the rage left his bones. He instantly regretted to have raised his voice at his little sister. She was only eight years old. Of course she wouldn’t want to accept their mother’s absence. He was a horrible brother to have done that. 

It was unfortunately too late to take it back though. Instead he saw her collapse into herself, as she trembled uncontrollably and clasped her hands into tight fists.

„I. HATE. YOU. I HATE YOU. Ihateyouihateyouihateyou!“ 

The girl’s high-pitched scream rippled through the house, as she turned on her heels. Her voice pure venom spat back at him. She run out of the kitchen, her feet pounding on the stairs. Jens knew in his breathless moment that he was waiting for the door to be thrown shut with a loud bang. It just never came.

And he never got to release the stress that clung to his muscles, as he stood painfully unmoving in the same spot by the dishwasher.

„What the fuck happened?“ Lucas suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the arch into the livingroom and kitchen. His phone still in hand as he shut the screen off. The younger boy had excused himself to accept a call with Kes right after dinner. „I heard you two shouting and just passed Lotte running to her room crying?!“

Jens didn’t know what to say, while he looked over. It had happened so fast. It all felt already blurry in his memory. Therefore he only resumed to fall back into the safety of simple words.

„Not now.“

There was a shift in the air as the confused worry in Lucas’s face fell to stone. 

It took Jens a long minute to figure out why the sight felt familiar. The frown was the exact same one Lucas had worn on that day at the cliff. His brows furrowed in thought, as his lips were shut into a thin line.

„It’s always ‘not now’ with you, isn’t it?“

Jens failed to find a single word to reply as his throat went dry. However, Lucas wasn’t waiting for any answer. His decision had been made.

„Fine.“ The younger boy said with a brief nod in surrender. „I’ll call Kes again and go to bed. Talk to you tomorrow about anything but this, huh?“

Jens swallowed down the lump in his throat. Lucas for a split second seemed to be at odds with his own words, but then, similar to Lotte, spun around on a heartbeat to head upstairs.

„Hey, sorry. I’m back. So about Ralph’s date thingy.“ Lucas’s voice said, now much more at ease again. It grew steadily quieter with the distance between them increasing, until Jens could no longer hear him.

The older boy was left alone once more, left to feel frustrated and angry with himself.

Jens groaned, his fingers pulling painfully harsh at the roots of his hair, as he bit his lip to surpress the scream that wallowed up inside him.

This week was just out to get him. He just kept upsetting everyone, pissed them off to the point where they did no longer care to stay around. One conflict after another. He was in free-fall at that point. 

It was tiring.

He did the wrong things. He said the wrong words. Every. Single. Time.

Jens returned to fill the dishwasher. What else was he supposed to do?

His mind far away, somwhere were nothing could reach him. Jens realised much too late that he had been about to mindlessly grap the knife at the wrong end. He cut his finger, not strong, yet deep enough to draw blood. The sharp pain rushed through vains like electricity, when he hurried to clean it under the running water in the sink.

„Fuck.“ Jens hissed under his breath, watching the reddish water run down the drain.

If he wouldn’t feel as numb and as if he deserved it, he probably would have cried. Just like any other day in any other week. Embarrassing how weak he sounded, even to himself.

### Jan 13th, Wednesday 17:10

The day had him caught in limbo, hung dry between the desultory words from Lucas and stiffling silence from Lotte since yesterday’s event.

And Jens was to scared to dare to break through. 

They all went along with their day-to-day life. Got up and dressed and collected their things, rushed some brief breakfast, send Lotte off to school before attending their own. They talked with their friends, had lunch in the cafeteria, got home early as the last two periods were cancelled. Jens did his math homework, while Lucas resumed to read the book for his English class. Jens kissed Lucas goodbye to pick up Lotte and take her to see their mom.

They had done all of this and barely had managed to exchange ten words. 

Jens was aware of all of it, of every little glance Lucas threw him and every time it was missing. How he kept away a step from him and brushed his hands off as they walked over to bid goodbye from the group infront of school.

It hurt to notice all these otherwise insignificant instances as they piled up to become his predominant worry. 

Maybe he was loosing Lucas just a little bit for every day now of the future, until it wouldn’t be enough to stand another hour nor minute.

Jens was frightened to entertain that thought.

His gaze went to look over to Lotte and their mom in the pale hospital bed. Them both tangled into one, when Lotte buried her head in the crook of the womans neck. She was strangly subdued listening to their mom explaining what Jens had failed to do.

However, Lotte was crying for a while now, evident in her shaking shoulders and quiet sobs.

Their mom’s voice a shallow quiver, as she apologised throughout their shared heartbreak.

Sometimes people said that it was less painful to rip a bandaid off in one swift tug, and Jens would agree. To sit and wait in false perpetuity for the end was worse. No matter if it was the cancer or his heart.

The soup in the plastic container on the bedside table had turned cold since Jens had brought it for their mom to eat at least a little bit. It would be enough to just manage a couple of spoons, but she had vehemently refused.

And now it stood untouched.

Jens shifted his weight on the chair, his joints aching under the faintest movement. He had lingered in the same position since he had sat down an hour ago after their arrival and now he payed the price for it.

„I think she fell asleep.“ His mother whispered, as Jens’s gaze darted up towards her face from the hospital’s wristband she wore.

Jens regarded her sunken in eyes first and her chapped lips, before he looked to find his little sister embraced in arms.

Lotte seemed indeed to be sleeping, her eyes closed and her breath evening out into a slow rhythm.

Peaceful.

„It is calming, isn’t it. I sometimes watch her after I brought her to bed. Just for a minute or two.“ Jens said quietly, not even thinking much about his words as he spoke. He wasn’t sure if it made sense to his mom, but she chuckled softly. The smile stuck to her lips even afterwards.

„You have no idea.“ She said and sighed, not less content in their started conversation. „When you were still a couple month, or a year or three old, I used to pass by the room several times on any nap you took. I would just stop in my tracks and look at you. I can’t even describe the feeling. Just adoration and devotion for you simply existing in my life, I suppose. I love you that much.“

Jens let the words sink in, carved some space out to memorise them. The tone his mom had used and the light happiness that swung in it.

He understood what she tried to tell him. Perhaps not perfectly, but close enough.

Jens hummed and nodded gently. 

„I get it. And I love you too.“ He wetted his lips, before he reached out to place his hand on her cheek and let his thumb brush over the dry skin underneath. Jens took a deep breath before he allowed himself to speak. „And I’m going to miss you.“

### Jan 14th, Thursday 21:39

If only someone had stood witness to the destructive nature, that arose from a simple conversation on the sofa half an hour ago, they could have stopped this.

The show on the tv they had watched was forgotten by now, as the two stood strictly three steps apart in the middle of the livingroom. The heavy tension high when they faced each other through hard eyes. Neither of the two boys had backed out yet. Whatever may be said next tonight would only bring the truth that they had ignored for far too long.

And perhaps if they looked back on it, this moment had been nessecary, even though it only brought pain, when Jens overstepped the unspoken and careful line they had draw at one point between their first encounter and this night.

And maybe he would have stopped himself from voicing this sentence out loud, constructed of wrong words and false intent. If only he had cared enough to notice the violent storm brewing on the horizon.

„You do not understand this. You can’t. I’m not doing this to you.“

Too late. The tempest arrived. And they prepared to sink.

„Shut. The fuck. Up.“

Jens did, stunned into silence by the shock at the harsh eyes staring him down. Unfamiliar on a face he could draw blind. The younger boy loomed over him, radiating danger.Unnatural for the younger boy, who always seemed to keep a cool head and mellow attitude.

Lucas took a deep breath. The orange light of the lamp by the piano reflected in his eyes. 

„Shut up, you selfish asshole. God! I’m so sick and tired of this. You _never ever_ fucking listen to me. Never trust me to know what _I_ want.“

„That’s not true.“ Jens tried, his voice deflated at the lie he kept telling to both of them.

„No? Because I am pretty sure that that’s exactly the case.

You never listen. You never let me explain myself. You never talk to me. And I am not speaking about you yelling at me on random nights that you decide to burst.

I know what you are doing and it is self-destructive.“

It felt like a knife had been raised to his throat. Jens lost the ability to think.

„Just this once you are going to stay quiet and let me tell you what I think.“

Jens nodded wary. There was fear there in his heart. He didn’t wanted to listen to Lucas. He didn’t wanted to hear him out. But he had to, That’s what Jens burned on a loop into his mind to keep the desire to scream back locked inside.

„I tell you over and over and over again, that I don’t mind, that I want to be here, that I want to be with you. That you can tell me anything. _Every single time_.

And you don’t believe me, don’t trust my words, and it fucking hurts to stand on the sidelines. What do you want me to do, Jens? _What_?

I really want to scream at you rigth now, if it wouldn’t be for Lotte asleep upstairs.“

The hurt was marked deep in the younger boys expression, as he straightened his back. Jens felt small compared to the force that was brought against him. 

The voice only raised loud enough to strike Jens down. Lucas was attentive enough to not wake the only other member in the house as he took a step closer, his hand combing the hair out of his face.

„Jens! This is not going to work. I know what you are doing and it is not going to work!

Botteling up emotions and thoughts in silence hasn’t worked for my mother a year ago and it will not work for you now. Sorry that I have to break it to you. But _fuck you_! Fuck you for deciding on my behalf. For keeping me out of it. Do you think I don’t know how much this sucks?

Should we have met in the highst of summer, smoking, sipping beer at a lake. Kissing underwater and driving our bike through the heat of the sun. Yes we should have. We should have our parents at home, happy, a bit stressed out by work, but still completely there for us. We should laugh and party and worry about passing history class this year. Waste all our thoughts on what to do for our brithdays and which university to attend. Tough luck. We don’t.

We have this stupid pandemic and asshole governments and on top of it all our family’s problems.

My father is a fucking homophobic piece of shit, yours wasn’t even really around to begin with. 

My mother is so ill, her brain needs medication to function properly. She just left me to figure it all out by myself a couple years ago. I washed my clothes and learned to cook at least some damn pasta. My father burning himself out at work, everything to not have to be home until he took off. She was fucking suicidal at times, breaking down without apparent reason. It’s fucking scary to see traces of it in your behaviour. And I can’t believe that _I am the fucking lucky one_ here between us.

Because, I had Kes to help me through it, when I called him up one day. He listened and never left afterwards. And my mom is getting better. She’ll be fine. I get to have her and my life back soon.

And yes you have it worse. I know. I am so, _so,_ so sorry. Your mom is dying, leaving you with your sister. If us breaking up would fix this, I’d be out already two month ago. But it wouldn’t. 

I fucking love you, Jens, and you are so goddamn stubborn. I wish I could hate you sometimes. _I really do_.

I was the one who moved to a different city midterm, I didn’t know a single person here, my mom is home maybe two days a week, and would you have told me the moment we met, what was happening in your family, it wouldn’t have changed a thing for me, okay?

Can you at least trust me on that?

You are not to blame for my mom’s absence. But I am not to blame for yours either.

Tell me Jens. When have you ever asked me how I am feeling? I can’t think of a time. But I would have answered you right away. Instead, I kept quiet to not burden you more than you already are. However when I ask you, all I get is silence.

I don’t deserve this.

This is _not_ okay. We should be talking to each other.

So, I am going to go home, I would have anyway tomorrow with my mom being there the night. And I’ll call Robbe on my way, tell him to come here and bear you company. I know I won’t be able stay away otherwise. And you better open the fucking door for him, because if you don’t, I swear to god, I’m going to break into this stupid house of yours and do it myself.

I care too much for you, I think.“

Lucas shoulder’s sank in a tremble. And Jens noticed he had hold his breath. His lungs burning for air.

„You are not going through this alone. Everybody wants to help you. You just don’t let them.

Think about what you want, what makes you happy. If you decide that a relationship is too much for you at the moment, I promise I’ll understand. But make up your mind. I don’t want to fight you, Jens.

I love you. And.

I don’t know what else to tell you.

I’m sorry. We just got unlucky. Figure your shit out. I’m tired of this. And call me when you can tell me what you want.“

The room dropped into nothingness as the voice ebbed away.

Lucas deserved to give his anger away. Lucas always had kept quiet at his side.

So Jens forced himself to silently watch his boyfriend walk out of the room to grab his jacket and put on his shoes. Jens had followed with his eyes until the younger boy had stepped around the corner, and had found his feet to carry him into the doorway a moment later.

Lucas had waited for him to come and see him leave. How cruel, Jens thought.

They didn’t said another word. Everything that needed to be out there was stated and ready to be dissected over sleepless nights.

The younger boy exhaled, sorrow in his gaze, that was answered by Jens with his own. 

And then the bond snapped and a cold wind hit him, as his eyes kept staring at the back that vanished into the night. Perhaps he should run after him. That’s what people in movies did, right? 

Proclaim their love and shower the other in apologies and heartfelt compliments. A kiss. Happy End.

Jens couldn’t fathom the depth of the despair in his tears as the waters swallowed him whole under crahing waves. At worst this was the end. He prayed it had been needed to make them right one day. For now all he could give Lucas was to follow his wish and contemplate his words.

At least for tonight.

He closed the door and decided to stay.

### Jan 14th, Thursday 22:18

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/640322492455649280/jan-14th-thursday-2218)

### Jan 14th, Thursday 23:32

He hadn’t moved, his eyes transfixed on the floor to his feet, as he had collapsed on the bottom step of the stairs. His shoulders hunched over, his arms wrapped around his knees.

There was not much he could do than wait. He wasn’t even sure how long it would take for Robbe to get here. His phone was still on the sofa, and he couldn’t find the strenght in his limps to pull himself up from the puddle of grief he sat in.

The violent sobs had stopped, but his eyes burned whenever he lifted his fingers to brush new tears away. He did it too often, his face must be red from the constant irritation.

At one point he had thought he had heard movement upstairs and had frozen in an instant. Jens was frightened to find Lotte walk down to meet him like this. A wreck in the aftermath of the storm. He couldn’t bear the thought to have to explain to her what had happened. Not after this week. Not after yesterday.

No matter how much he tried to concentrate on what Lucas had said, his mind wouldn’t allow it. There was a fog he was unable to cut through. Numb at the words that still echoed through the room.

The doorbell rang.

Time to get up.

He hated his heart yearning for the slightest chance of Lucas having changed his mind. It hurt as his heart was hold in a tight grasp of sharp fingers digging in. He shouldn’t hope, when he only would be let down.

„Oh Jens.“ Robbe said. His sigh low as he went to throw his arms around the older boy who had opened the door. The cold that slipped through behind his best friend was much welcomed against the heat in his face from hot tears.

„I came as soon as I could. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t faster. Me and Sander we were watching.“

„Stop. Please. It’s fine.“ Jens interrupted the hasty rambling of the boy that hold him up. His voice much more coarse than he had it believed to be. He had cried quietly, just to himself, and still his throat felt rough.

Robbe nodded.

The door fell shut. And with it the cold left.

Robbe’s embrace unbroken, as his best friend leaned back, a sad smile on his lips, his eyes just at teary as Jens assumed his own to be. Robbe raised a hand, his finger’s brushing through his hair, so soft, as if to much pressure would break the older boy. And maybe it did. Maybe it was too much, as Jens felt pain rush into every ounce of his body,

„I lost him.“ He whispered.

Jens’s lips quivered as the words left his tounge. The tension, that had kept him together, suddenly gave in and with it all he had tried to keep out. It had been his own fault. He could have had Lucas if he had only cared to consider anyone but himself. And now it was too late. He couldn’t change the past.

Time was just never on his side.

Jens may have noticed how Robbe shook his head in disagreement. How the hand had stopped for a second to fall to his shoulder. But Jens only slumped forward into the body of his best friend, his fingers clutching desperately onto the coat that Robbe still wore, while he buried his face in his chest.

He wished the cold back and with it the fog. Anything to keep him from breaking down again.

Dissapointing, when warmth was all that enwrapped him in the embrace as he cried into the hushed voice telling him it would be okay again.

Only Lotte came to mind.

Liar.

### Jan 15th, Friday 05:31

For the briefest moment, as he blinked through the sleep that tried to pull him back, Jens had forgotten about last night. About the turn of winds and the distress. His eyes had found a boy sleeping next to him, brown hair ruffled on the pillow. 

For a second he had smiled under the assumption to have woken up yet another day to his boyfriend still asleep. Reality came at him fast unfortunately. His expression dropped into a blank stare. Robbe was waking up, his soft groan a grumble, while Jens had shifted away to turn off his phone’s alarm.

Jens was tired and even lifting his arm felt cumbersome. 

He couldn’t do this. 

He couldn’t manage a whole day of pretense. He wanted to bury himself under the blanket and hide in his room. The single thought of having to bring up energy to get up scared him to his core. The angst was gripping him faster than he could react and his breathing grew shallow.

„It’s only half past five?“ His best friend asked, his voice still husky from a too short night and little sleep. „Why are we awake?“

Jens would have liked to explain it to him. However, his lungs didn’t comply, he only inhaled a shaky breath. He was shivering, when he shouldn’t be. 

Robbe turned his head, still expecting an answer, instead he was met with Jens’s withdrawn frame. 

„Take it slow.“ His best friend instructed, almost straightaway without any hesitation or question. And Jens asked himself just how often Sander felt like him right now, when Robbe immediately reacted with assured calmness.

But it wasn’t as easy and even if his lungs fell into a steady rhythm again, his heart was beating vigorous against his chest. He wanted Lucas. He needed Lucas. And maybe that was the problem. That was why he had been called selfish.

There were others who he too had responsibilities for instead. First and foremost a single person that was dependend on him to function on any level that could be considered normal.

So he swallowed it all down. Locked his dejected thoughts away. He had to get up, come what may.

Worry crossed Robbe’s expression as Jens stemmed himself up from the mattrasse to sit. He had already wasted enough time. They shouldn’t be late. He could fall to pieces again tonight. Not now.

Botteling up emotions and thoughts won’t work, Lucas’s voice reminded him in silence. He scolded himself for letting these words intrude. Not now.

It’s always ‘not now’ with you isn’t it? 

The tears caught up with him as he covered his face with his hands, the face beneath twisted in frustration as much as in anguish.

He wanted to punch himself. To not just hurt from the inside, but on the outside as well. To take off the edge. It reminded him of the night he had hit his head against the wall. It scared him. 

And Robbe was here to see him.

Control was what he needed, he decided.

An arm slung around his back, the hand resting on his waist, as Robbe moved closer to hug him from his side. It comforted him, and Jens was grateful to not be left alone in that moment.

„It’s not the end. It’s going to be okay, alright?“ 

„Mhm.“ Jens affirmed wistfull, as Robbe pressed a kiss on his cheek. His gaze fell onto his phone.

5:48. Fuck

„Lotte.“ Jens stated, freeing himself from the blanket and the gentle embrace, as he rushed towards his dresser. Robbe took a minute to catch on, suddenly out of the bed as well, to collect his jeans and from the floor. His best friend hadn’t brought other clothes, only had thought about the much needed school supplies. So Jens threw him a fresh shirt over, while he shut the drawer and headed for the door.

He only had to function for the day. Fifteen hours and his little sister would be in bed again.

Jens paused, his fingers grapped the handle. He took a deep breath. And then the door swung open.

He could do fifteen hours.

### Jan 15th, Friday 20:48

[(chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/640407419078541312/jan-15th-friday-2048)

### Jan 15th, Friday 23:55

School had been torturous. Especially since everyone, obviously, had realised that something had happened between Lucas and Jens. The two boys were barely able to look at each other let alone be in the same room. All while Robbe kept awfully close to his best friend thoughout the day. Neither of them answered the hundreths of questions they were asked. Instead they intentionally ignored any attempt of the group to figure out what was up. 

Jens went to classes, and inbetween stood with and sat with the broerrrs, trying his hardest to keep his eyes from glancing over to the boy who stole his every thought and beating heart. But Moyo joked and Aaron stuttered through stories and Robbe chatted away over yesterdays movie night at the flatshare. Welcomed distraction. And it worked.

The only thing that Jens had had the misfortune to overhear, was Lucas replying to Amber’s inquiery if they had broken up. To which Lucas said: Not quite.

Which didn’t sounded like the ‘no’ that Jens had hoped for.

He’d fucked it.

It took him everything to move on from the spot he had stopped in his tracks once the words had reached him. Robbe had to pull him into the classroom. And then to the next and then to the bus stop.

For whatever miraculous reason, Jens somehow still had convinced Robbe to let him have this night to himself. He had to promise him though to call his best friend if he needed someone to talk to. And while both knew that Jens’s affirmation was only half-hearted, they had parted ways when Jens got off to meet Lotte at her school.

It was almost midnight. And Lotte was already in bed for a couple of hours. Jens had checked on her at least three times now, but he felt that he should go upstars again. Anything to keep himself busy.

She had been suspicious this morning and afternoon after he had picked her up. And who could blame her, when she had went to bed with a goodnight from Lucas and woken to Robbe trying to prepare her lunchbox in the kitchen.

Lotte had asked Jens and he had told her that Lucas had went home early because of his mom and that he wouldn’t be around for the weekend. 

His little sister had regarded him. Jens knew that she saw the dark skin under his eyes and the subdued attitude, the hollow words and weak excuses. Lotte saw right through him, he figured, but she kept quiet. 

Therfore they had played piano when they arrived home, and had managed some of their homework in silence before they simply threw a pizza into the oven for dinner.The two siblings ate on the sofa, some music in the background. They weren’t talking and Jens wasn’t sure he would have been able to keep up a conversation. With the hours passing, his energy had left him to grow exhausted.

Lotte had called their mom before bed as she got ready.

Lucas hadn’t come up. His mother knew, but he was thankful that she wasn’t pushing for explanations or truthful answers. 

He had kissed his sister’s forehead, as he had tugged her into bed and turned of the light.

Then he went to sit on the sofa. Thoughts came and left and he never could quite grasp their purpose in the fleeting moments.

Jens looked at his phone. It was almost midnight. Only more ignored group massages and direct texts had piled up in the last couple hours. Robbe had tried to call him an hour ago it appeared like. 

So when the doorbell rang at the exact moment that he had been about to unlock the screen and call his best friend back, Jens would have bet everything that Sander and Robbe would stand on the other side of the door. No doubt in his mind.

He heaved himself up and over towards the door, uncaring if he looked distraught with red eyes and tousled hair. His lips were dry and the bottom one had at least torn open to bled once. They tasted salty and slighty metallic.

What Jens hadn’t expect to find, even in his wildest dreams, was the young woman infront of him on the doorstep. Who smiled at him with bright hazel eyes and long dark braided hair. Her face a distant memory.

Different but all the same.

„Long time, no see, little brother.“

„Lies?“

# End of week 12

(My Life Is A Song For You by Tom Rosenthal)

* * *

_Listen to this song please, if you want to feel my pain writing through Jens’s eyes this week. Not even about Lucas, but about his mom. I don’t know what else I should say._

_It was a hard week to write, even though most of the dialouge was written down for a while. And I hope to have been able to surprise you with the turn yesterday and today. I really hope that it payed off to get them together so quick and to have made this believable. I tried to give little hints here and there about how different this relationship would look like from Lucas perspective, outside of Jens’s head. idk._

_I hope that you understand where Lucas is coming from here. My whole story is seen from Jens’s eyes and I’m not going to rewrite certain parts from other perspectives. I’m not going to say that he is completely right and that he hasn’t said some awful things in this thursday clip, but try to see Lucas here. If it would have been his clip, I would have inculed this paragraph:_

__

_„No? Because I am pretty sure that that’s exactly the case._

_You never listen. You never let me explain myself. You never talk to me. And I am not speaking about you yelling at me on random nights that you decide to burst._

_I know what you are doing and it is self-destructive.”_

He gave and gave and gave, until all that he was met with was an empty heart. So he would take it back, reclaim his soul and mind before it would go to waste in uncaring hands.

_„Just this once you are going to stay quiet and let me tell you what I think.“_

__

_I hope it did it justice. It needed to happen, I’m sorry._

_Thank you for sticking with me though!_

_And now for the last time: I'll see you next week, dear reader!_ ❤️


	13. Don't You Worry - Week 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Week 13
> 
> We've done it! We reached the end of this story.
> 
> I hope that this will bring it to a satisfactory conclusion for you and that it gave you some joy in between the rather painful days.
> 
> While I am happy to close the chapter on this, I'll also miss writing Jens and Lotte and Lucas.
> 
> If you have enjoyed and liked reading it, I'd be so happy to hear from you in a comment. No worries though, I'm happy for all the kudos and all the other little signs telling me that I've reached you.
> 
> Here we go. Last Week!

# Chapped and Faded

* * *

## Don't You Worry - Week 13

### Jan 16th, Saturday 00:03

„Have you been crying?“

„What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in Canada?“

„Wouldn’t you like to know?“ Lies grinned, while she got rid of the big coat and boots she had worn. Her suitcase was neatly pushed aside to stand next to the stairs. His sister had frowned at him for a split second as she had stepped in, but quickly changed to look rather pleased with her surprise.

Jens was left speechless. This was completely unexpected. Perhaps he was dreaming, had falles asleep on the sofa without noticing, or worse he began to hallucinate. Had he finally lost it?

„I took a plane for 10 hours to see your ass and I don’t even get a hug?“

„My bad!“ Jens couldn’t help but smirk back at her as he closed the door he still hold onto. He was bigger than her, had grown quite a bit since she had left for Canada three years ago. Her head fitted almost under his chin as he wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug.

„All good, but seriously, are you okay? You don’t look okay.“

If he had been asked on any other day, he would have laughed at the familar teasing tone. However today he felt drained and shook his head instead. He indulged in the warmth of his bigger sister. Grateful that she was here and that her arms were safely tugged around his middle. He didn’t wanted to let go. Jens only tightened his grip.

„Hey.“ Lies whispered troubled by the unusal behaviour of her little brother. They hadn’t seen each other in a while, yet it didn’T meant that they had turned into completely different people. 

Her hands rubbed up and down his back while she pressed a gentle kiss against his cheek. His shoulders trembled as the pressure fell awa. Jens felt his eyes burn and sobbed quiet into the woolen blue sweater she wore.

They stood like this for a couple of minutes, before Jens felt that he ouldn move again. That he has strengths to take a step in his own.

„Let’s sit down? And then you can tell me what’s happening with you, maybe? I would like to think my sole arrival brought you to tears, but that isn’t the case, right?“

Lies smiled at Jens in her attempted encouragment to calm him down, while a sad sigh escaped her lips nonethelss. Jens suddenly felt like a child again. He hadn’t felt like this in months. If he was honest with himself, it was freeing to let the weight shatter on the floor to their feet.

They moved into the living room a little after. Jens went to grab them both a glass of water that Lies gladly accepted to drink half of it almost immediately, before they both sat down on the sofa that Jens had cried on for almost an hour after Lotte had fallen asleep. To text his mom hadn’t helped as much he had hoped.

„So I take it, that this is because of mom. Is it that bad?“

„Yes and no. It’s about mom, yes. And she isn’t doing too well, doesn’t eat a lot and is getting weak between every visit. She gets infusions instead since this week, but.“ Lies nodded while her hand reached over to take his, that he hold in his lap. „It doesn’t look good. I think it’s good that you made it here. You should see her before.“ Jens stoped himself to take a quivering breath. „Before she dies.“

„That was the idea. I didn’t wanted to tell you in case it wouldn’t work. But the company I’m working for needed someone to check up on the branch in brussels and with me being belgian it was an easy desicion. I had to quarantine for two weeks get a test done but then could come here, even get a few days early to visit you. But I have to be in Brussels on Monday morning. I’m sorry, I can’t stay longer.“

„It’s fine. I’m happy you are here.“

„Are you? You look like you’d rather change places with mom.“

Jens shrugged, unsure how to answer it. 

Silence fell between them for the brief moment that he pondered how to best bring up Lucas.

„I think my boyfriend broke up with me yesterday.“ 

He looked over to find his sister’s shocked face. Stunned, perhaps expecting him to start laughing. She wasn’t believing him. Right, he reminded himself, she didn’t know.

„Well, yes. I have or, I guess, I had a boyfriend. I’m bi.“

Lies blinked at him, contemplating his words.

„Oh, for real? Okay. That’s fine. Great, really, just a lot to process. I never had thought. She paused. You know. I mean, you are Jens, always chasing a girl or another.“

Jens snorted, his lips curled up. He supposed she was right. And maybe he should do that again. No heartbreak with a girl had hurt as much as this one with Lucas.

„So did she, sorry, he say that it’s over?“

„No, not yet.“

„How long were you together?“

„For two month“

„That isn’t very long yet. I thought you were talking about a year or something. But than I definitely would have expected you to tell me about him sooner.“ She teased, nudging him with her elbow as she tried to lighten the mood at least a little, from the self-pity that Jens was wallowing in.

Lies was right, as much as she was wrong. It had been only two month, but it had felt like they had lived a life together. How could it only have been two month? It didn’t made much sense.

It shouldn’t hurt as much, if they only barely knew each other. Odd how fast they had moved and how easy it had felt to accept it. They had run at lightning speed, then crashed and burned, when there had been nothing to ground them to the earth beneath their feet.

This had been their mistake. This was what they hadn’t thought of.

Though maybe Lucas had. And Jens just hadn’t listened. The fault was his in the end after all.

„You don’t understand. It felt like more.“

„More? You know each other longer?“

„No, but we were close. He was always around. I don’t know how to explain it.“

His gaze fell onto the book on the table and then darted over to the opened box of cookies on the kitchen counter.

„He is still everywhere here. There are a couple of shirts drying on the rack with mine and Lotte’s.“ Jens said. He felt his heavy heart pound against his ribs. It just couldn’t be over.

„Sounds very intense.“

Jens nodded once more. He agreed. Now that he thought about what Lucas had said, perhaps Jens had used him a little too much like a lifeline to stay afloat, when he should have started swimming at one point.

„It was, but then, it wasn’t at all. It was really, really nice whenever he was here. I miss him. And I miss you. And I miss mom so much.“

„I miss all of you as well. I wish I could pack you up and take you to Canada with me. Theo would love you.“

He hummed. The idea to just escape and leave it all behind sounded rather enticing. And he had enjoyed the week that her fiance had spend with them on the visit two years ago.

„So how about we have some tea and much needed sibling bonding time? And then you talk me through everything. I am sure that this boy isn’t just going to leave you, when you really were that close.“

„Lucas.“ Jens suddenly noticed. Lies and Jens had bern on a short call on Christmas, but he hadn’t told her about his relationship. He barely had come out to his friends at that point of time.

„Huh? What?“

„My boyfriend’s name. Lucas.“

Lies smiled. The five year difference apparent in her kind eyes. As if she would have the answers he seeked.

„Okay. First some tea and then Lucas, and you better have some pictures.“

Jens huffed a laugh as he watched the excitement in his sister’s face. She looked and sounded just like she always had. As if time hadn’t passed and the last two years were null.

It would hurt to let her go again on sunday. Jens had forgotten how close they used to be. How much she always had taken care of him. But right now, here in this moment, he felt himself caught in blissful content.

“Alright.“ Jens got up, followed by Lies as they headed to the kitchen. „ And yes I do have photos.”

“Perfect. I can’t believe I get to talk about boys with my baby brother.”

„Shut up.“

### Jan 16th, Saturday 15:16

Jens was actually laughing. 

Genuingly laughing, when Lotte told them some really bad joke she had heard in school. A dumb pun. But it had been the fourth in a row and they had finally reached the breaking point.

He sat at the table, an half emptied plate of apple slices between him and his little sister, while Lies roamed the kitchen to write down a list of groceries to buy on her way home. She planned to visit their mom and it had weighed heavy on her, when she had admitted this to Jens early that morning infront of the bathroom mirror.

Lies had told him, how much it hurt to live so far away and unable to travel and come home. She would have loved to help Jens over the past year, even if it would just have been for a week here and there. It was the reason why she had been so desperate to secure the position to be send to Brussels. 

Not that it been an actual problem, her wokrplace knew very well about her family situation. Still, Lies had said, that the moment she had recieved the plane tickets only a week ago, she had broken down in her boss’s office. 

Lies was here though now, thankful for the opportunity to bid farewell to their mother in person at last.

Jens understood the relief his older sister had explained to him. He couldn’t even entertain the thought of not being able to see his mom, while prohibited to visit inmidst the pandemic.

„Oh, I know! There is this one dish Theo and me always make as comfort food. Quite easy, but really nice in winter, with a good hearty broth. I’m going to do that.“ Lies declared vague from where she stood behind the opened door of the fridge. Mumbling something under her breath, while she noted things down on the piece of paper on the counter next to her.

„I don’t know if I should trust you to actually cook something delicious.“ Jens mocked, reminded of the many times that Lies had simply ordered take-out on every evening she was watching her siblings. Cooking was for loosers, she always had said, and simultaneously implied that she was at an absolute loss in the kitchen.

„Says the person who had managed to let noodles get burned to crisps while boiling them.“ 

„I was ten.“ He defended, cackling when Lies snorted and their gazes met. So much time had passed, but Jens was assured that the loving arguments between them would never cease to exist.

„But Jens is really good now. He makes like a super good riceotto“ Lotte chimed in, the wide smile on her face somewhere between amused and puzzled. She hadn’t much memories of Jens and Lies together, so it was reasonable for her to be unsure why it was funny. Their little sister had been only five when Lies had left. 

She had cried for a whole week, but with time passing, she had stopped even mentioning Lies alltogether. She knew her, yes, but she couldn’t tell what they had done or talked about together any longer. And maybe it was a little sad, Jens thought, but it also meant that Lotte wouldn’t miss Lies as much as Jens sometimes did.

„Risotto.“ Jens corrected, while he leaned a little over to ruffle through her hair. She slapped his hand away, stucking out her tounge at him in jest.

„Well, maybe Jens should cook then. I won’t complain.“

„No way, you are the oldest now, you cook.“ Jens quickly proclaimed his flawless reasoning against the mere suggestion Lies had voiced. His older sister barely contained herself from laughing again, instead nodded along, as she continued to write even more things down. 

Jens knew that she had come with a rented car from the airport, but the list just grew and he wasn’t sure, if he should tell her off. It looked like she wanted to stock the kitchen for an entire month.

The mood turned a little quieter, only Jens’s spotify playlist filled the house with some comfortable noise, while Lotte sketched some abstract scenes on paper. Jens’s eyes flicked over every once in a while, but it appeared like there wasn’t much reason behind it.

He yawned and stretched his arms, a loud cracking sound in his shoulder earned him a gleeful glance from Lies, who he flipped off. Despite it, he felt younger today. He felt lighter. His breathing wasn’t hurting as much, his thoughts came easier. 

Lies and him had talked for hours yesterday. He had forgotten how close they used to be. Which was wierd given their age difference and them not even being the same gender. But somehow they always stuck together. Jens wished she would stay.

The day they had bid goodbye at the airport had been locked somewhere into his head. Even after three years he didn’t dared to touch it.

This all would be easier if he had Lies to live with them. But it wasn’t reality and Lies had made him understand that it was okay to be scared. She had admitted at three in the morning, when they had headed to bed, that it had taken her month to figure out how to live on her own. Especially after she had moved to a different continent, while leaving her family behind. Jens could do this too.

He still had all of his friends around. He had this house. He had Lotte.

He just had to start somewhere.

„I think I’m going to call Lucas.“ Jens suddenly said. For a moment he had considered the possibility that he hadn’t spoken aloud at all. However, it became clear that he had, as both his sister’s heads spun towards him in an instant.

„Really? That came out of nowhere. But good for you. I think you should.“ Lies said, a little startled by his surprising change of demeanour. Only this morning he had still sat depressed and hunched over in pity in front of his breakfast. Jens wasn’t even sure himself where the urge to do it had popped up from.

„Yes!“ Lotte followed up quickly with bright wide eyes. Of course she would be excited.

„Okay. I’m going to do it.“ He declared, more to will his confidence in excistense than aynthing else.

He was nervous. Maybe Lucas wouldn’t even pick up? Jens wasn’t even sure, if Lucas’s mom was still around. This was a bad idea. 

The whole conversation from thursday sprung back into his mind. The hurt in Lucas’s eyes and the anger in his words. All caused by Jens. What if the other boy needed more time? What if he wouldn’t even pick up?

The fear must have shown on his face. Jens was sure, because Lies stood suddenly next to him, to push his phone into view. He had been starring at the surface of the table, unmoving, even when Lotte had come closer too, with a hand resting on his shoulder.

„Come on. Call.“ Lies demanded, despite the gentleness in her voice, it still made him take the phone into his hand.

„Alright.“

„Do you want us to leave?“

Good question, Jens thought, unsure how to answer. But then, he wasn’t planning on having the needed conversation over phone anyway. He was scared that words would get twisted and intentions screwed by the missing connection one had face to face.

So he shook his head.

The phone rang four times. 

Nothing.

He tried again. Just this second time and then he would put it away again.

It merely managed to make a sound, before the call was answered.

„Jens?“

He sat at the table, his breath on hold, as he listened to the boy on the other end. Jens wouldn’t cry from solely his name being spoken by the person he missed so much for only a couple of days now. He wouldn’t.

That was at least what he desperately told himself.

„Jens? Are you there?“

There was worry in the voice and Jens didn’t trust it. He didn’t deserved it. But he was on the phone, he remembered. He had been the one to iniiate the conversation. He should probably say something.

„Hi.“ 

Jesus. His voice had certainly cracked, like some fifteen year old teenanger going through puperty. This was embarrassing. But it also helped. Lucas was definitely snorting on the other end of the call. And the three siblings all fell into laughter, with Lies wheezing at her brother’s pitiful attempt to make things right. His sister’s really tried to keep quiet, but it kind of was in vain. Lucas must have heard them.

It took Jens a solid minute to speak again. 

„Sorry, about that.“

„It’s alright.“ Lucas said as he took an audible deep breath to calm down to continue. The faintest amusement in his voice still there, even if the mood had turned serious again. „I am really glad that you called.“

It was the earnesty that struck Jens the most. It came unexpected. He had planned to force Lucas to hear him out if he had to. In the strong assumption that the younger boy didn’t wanted to talk to him in the first place. Apparently Jens had been wrong. Again. Like so often. It seemed to become a habit.

„I’m glad you picked up.“

„Of course.“ Lucas replied without any hesitation, it made Jens smile a little. It felt so good to hear him again. To hear him at ease. Jens pushed away the intruding thought in his head, that told him that it probably had to do with Jens’s absence. He hated that he somehow could belive it.

„I thought, maybe we can talk?“

There was a brief pause on the other end, as the call fell silent.

„I’d like that. When?“ Lucas asked and Jens noticed that he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

„Uhm, when?“

„Yes, when?“ 

The amusement in the younger boy was back. Jens could imagine Lucas shaking his head at the silly and ungraceful awkwardness Jens presented. There was a hand in his view, that lead him to look up at Lies, who tried to get his attention.

„Tomorrow.“ She whispered, nodding her head quickly, while she pointed a finger to herself. „I can watch Lotte.“

Jens loved Lies so much, it was ridiculous.

„How about tomorrow? I could come over to yours.“

„Okay. Be here at one maybe?“

„Yes, that works.“ He affirmed in a heartbeat. Jens would have agreed to any proposed time. It wouldn’t have mattered as long as he got the chance to talk to Lucas. He had an idea what he wanted to say after last night’s conversation with Lies. He knew that it wouldn’t be perfect or maybe even work in his favour, but it would be a start.

„I’ll see you tomorrow then.“ Lucas said.

„Tomorrow.“

They sat in silence for a moment. Usually Jens would have told him that he loved him. But it didn’t feel right, even when the feelings were clearly there. It felt too much to voice it. They hadn’t broken up yet, but it wasn’t as if they were in a relationship still either. So he simply waited. 

And then there was a clicking sound and the call was ended.

### Jan 17th, Sunday 01:22

„Hey, why are you up?“

„Could ask you the same.“

Lies sat at the dinning table in the dark, only the lamp from the little entrance hall was spending some light, as it fell into the large space. It had startled Jens at first to hear Lies adress him, but he quickly had his composure back to walk past her towards the fridge.

„Mainly jetleg. But Theo finished work for today, so he called me. We can end it though, if you want to talk or something.“ His older sister suggested, gesturing towards the phone with her free hand.

„No, I just needed something to drink. Tell him hi, though.“

„Jens says hi.“ He heard Lies repeat, while he scaned the many items in front of him. His fridge was packed to the brim with all the stuff that had been bought. Lies and him had to make two runs to get everything from the car´inside. „I don’t know, he was thirsty or something,“ she continued and added after a longer pause, „Yea, it wasn’t easy. But we were able to talk a while.“

Jens sat down across of his sister. The glassof apple juice, already half-empty, was placed right in front of him, as he stared into it. He propped his elbow up on the table, only to rest his head on his palm and figure out if he wanted to think or keep his mind blank. His sister’s voice was merely white noise in the background for a little while. It was actually nice to just have it there in his periphery.

„I’m going to hang up. It’s almost half past one.“ Lies said, making Jens’s eyes dart over to her. „I love you too. Sleep well.“ 

She smacked her lips at the speaker in a onesided kiss, with a gentle smile grazing her lips, before she hung up and turned her full attention towards her little brother.

„So just thirsty?“

Jens probably could have lied, but his head felt foggy and he wasn’t really up to think about every word at this time of the day.

„Yes, but I also don’t sleep that well most nights. It’s kinda normal.“

„Well it shouldn’t be.“

„I know.“

He yawned, still tired and yet he hadn’t been able to fall back into sleep when he had turned to find the side of his bed empty, that Lies had occupied. He had closed his eyes, but had given up when he kept thinking about tomorrow and his meeting with Lucas. And now he was here, with Lies at half past one.

„Lies?“

„Yes?“

„I was thinking, that if you are home tomorrow and if you want, you could see if there is anything you’d like to keep and take with you to canada.“ Jens suggested, barely able to keep his voice steady. He also was speaking low under his breath. It wasn’t an easy topic to breach for him and he wasn’T sure, why exactly he had thought about it right now. But Lies should have the opportunity to take something with her. 

„Are we talking mom’s things?“

Jens nodded. Perhaps he should have kept quiet as he saw the expression on his sister’s face. For a long moent she looked deeply sad, he eyes staring back at him in silent contemplation.

„Yes. I’m still not sure what to do with the room, but I guess, I’ll have to empty it one day. Maybe there is something you’d like to have. For memory’s sake.“ He tried to explain to her. She would only have tomorrow and his guess was that Lies wouldn’t be back for a while. The current siuation around Covid-19 didn’t looked like it would change anytime soon. It meant that maybe it was her only chance to personally look through the stuff herself. 

Even if Jens was still wary about the room and the future, he knew he would have to clean it out at some point.

The two siblings looked at each other over the table and he could see Lies’s shoulders dropping, while she unclenched her jaw and sighed. Jens hadn’t quite noticed how tense his sister had been til now.

„Seems like a good idea.“ She finally decided and stole the glass that Jens had gotten himself, to take a sip from it. „It was pretty hard to see mom in the hospital.“

„Mhm.“ He hummedn in agreement. It really took a lot to sit through a couple of hours by their mom’s side and not loose hope to see her for another visit. She had looked extremely tired and fallen in.

„I’m really proud of you. I kinda expected the house to be in absolute chaos.“ Lies went on, changing the topic as her tone rose to sound muhc more playful and happier again.

„You never know how it will look like next time.“

Lies chuckled, shaking her head at his lighthearted words. There was a smirk tugged to the corner of his mouth when Jens saw her grin, very pleased to have lifted the heavy mood a little that had slowly settled in the dimly lit room.

„But seriously, you are doing great. Especially with Lotte.“

„I don’t know. I keep thinking that I fail her somehow.“ Jens exhaled loudly, startling even him. The two of them were really just whispering to each other, huh?

„You aren’t. Mom thinks so too and Lotte is still so young. She probably just needs a bit more time.“

Jens shrugged. If he was honest, he would love to have a bit more time as well.

He checked his phone that he had brought downstairs with him. He wasn’t even sure why, but he was glad that he had done so. It reminded him of something when he saw the date. It was already the 17th. Already half a month since his mom had been back in the hospital. Time was running. And he somehow felt like he kept up for once.

„I don’t know when you are going to have to leave tomorrow for Brussels, but I just remembered that you probably don’t know about this. Our father is going to be in Antwerp for a couple of days. I have his number, if you would like to see him.“

„Hendrik?“ Lies asked, clearly taken aback by that piece of information. She had started referring to him by his first name, even before their father had actually left them. Jens couldn’t blame her for it. He wasn’t really fond of calling him dad either. It somehow felt wrong to do so.

„Yes. He is here for mom and we agreed to have him come over for dinner on tuesday.“

„No, I think I’m fine without him.“

Jens had expected as much from her. He nodded, understanding rather well, where she came from. He had struggled with himself for a while til he had decided to take his father up on the proposistion. Jens was still able to cancel til tuesday, if he felt it would be too much. 

„Fair enough. Let me know if you change your mind though.“ He replied, knowing fairly well, that his sister had already made up her mind about the issue.

„Sure.“ She told him nontheless and Jens saw her get up from her seat. She smiled at him, with a nod towards the lit hallway. „Come on, we should at least try to get some sleep tonight.“

Jens agreed.

It would be for the best.

### Jan 17th, Sunday 13:31

They sat on the sofa with some tea and now in overwhelming thick tension.

Jens was nervous and pretty sure Lucas was too. They had only talked a little about how their day went and about some irrelevent pictures that their friends had posted to instagram.

He wasn’t sure how to start the actual conversation that needed to happen.

The words were there, right on his tounge, but he kept swallowing them down. He was too frightened to have to face it and force them both to come to a conclusion. It could all go very well and they would be on the same page. But it also could mean for Lucas to see that it wasn’t worth it after all to stay around.

Jens was scared and he prayed that Lucas would begin to talk instead, but he seemed very content on his end of the sofa, with his legs drawn up to his chest as he watched the steam escape the red mug in his hands. Lucas wore a big hoodie, that Jens was pretty sure was his, but he didn’t minded if he would never get it back.

He found himself smiling just softly at the sight. He felt good to see Lucas still wearing his stuff. It meant that Jens hadn’t lost yet, right?

„What?“ Lucas asked, a grin spread across his expression, him without looking up into the space between them, which Jens decided felt too large.

„It’s just good to see you.“ Jens replied instead of talking about his desire to wrap his arms around the younger boy and pull him against his chest. It was diffucult to imagine that perhaps he would no longer be able to do that again in his life.

Lucas regarded him for a moment, the grin fell of his face and Jens already mourned it’s disappearance. The tension was back.

„I don’t know how to start.“ Jens admitted. He really was overwhelmed by it. Had pushed the meeting back into his mind since he had gotten up this morning. He had believed to be able to just walk in and tell Lucas everthing that weighed him down. But when he had arrived he fell silent.

Lucas sighed heavy, before he put the mug on the low table next to them. He tilted his head as his eyes wandered across the room and then over Jens. Jens felt examined by them, stilled in his position, while he anticipated for something to happen and free him.

„Well, how are you, for starters?“

An easy enough question with too much deep implied meaning beheind these innocent words.

When have you ever asked me how I am feeling? 

However when I ask you, all I get is silence

The younger boy’s words would haunt him for the rest of his live, Jens strongly believed, as his mind defaulted to bring him back to Thursday night.

„Tired,“ Jens sighed, „But I’m always tired. You know that. I guess, I’m just tired of everything.“

He was rambling, trying to find words to his emotions that were just inches out of his reach. It frustrated Jens to find Lucas watch him wordlessly. The younger boy was waiting. Lucas wouldn’t make this easy for him and Jens was assured that he deserved that.

„Not everything. I just want this to be over. Like, I want the courtdate for Lotte and I want her to be at a point where she can accept what is happening. And I want tuesday to have been over with already, so that I don’t have to think about what to say to my father. I want school to be over, the tests and exams written and done. Most of all I want for my mom to be done suffering through the days passing by. As I said, I’m tired.“

It all just bursted out of him, Jens had been unable to stop himself, once the first sentence had been said and from there he grew faster with each new word. He was breathless when he was done and exhausted when they hadn’t even started.

Lucas nodded sorrowful as he remained still on his spot. For a moment Jens thought that he still hadn’t said enough to convince the younger boy that he was trying to fix this.

It simply wasn’t as easy. He had kept it all to himself so long that it got comfortable inside his head. 

„I understand that. I’m sorry that it is so much. I want to help you, I really do. I just don’t know how.“ Lucas stated, finally talking as well. Jens relaxed by the softness of the voice, the gentle gaze that kept looking over.

„I don’t know either.“ He whispered. Both boys somehow closer and still that far apart. Jens really wished he knew what to do here. And even if he had talked to Lies, even she had trouble to find a solution other then talking it out.

Jens suddenly thought of something, somthing that had actually been his firt point on his list and he had forgotten. He was so dumb to not bring it up the second he had accepted the invitation in.

„How are you?“

Lucas’s eyes widened as the question hit him. It must have come unexpected, but the next thing Jens saw, was the faintest hint of a smile on the yonger boy’s face. 

After all this time, he had done something right.

„I haven’t slept that well either, but other than that rather good. I thought a lot about Thursday and what I had said. I hope I haven’t been too harsh? I usually try to stay.“ Lucas’s eyes darted over towards the window for a second of contemplation. „I try to stay considerate. I don’t like arguing a lot. I always feel terrible to raise my voice at others. More so, if it is towards people I care about. I beat myself up over that constantly the last couple of days.“

Jens hummed, unsure how to react. But he had promised himself to come here and not hang after his thoughts for too long.

„Well, it hurt. I’m not going to lie. But I treated you very shitty. So, I guess you deserved to scream at me.“

„I didn’t even get to, though. I would have only woken the whole street. I was so pissed off and furious with you.“

Their eyes met again and both smirked for some odd reason. But it made this feel easier to get through. Jens shifted on his seat, very much aware to keep to his side.

„I’m sorry.“ Jens said, the apology short of everything he should say instead, but he prayed that Lucas saw the earnesty behind it. They had time. Hours to get through this.

„Where should we start?“ Lucas asked, the apology for now ignored. 

„I could tell you about my father?“ 

Jens wasn’t sure why this had come up first. But he would be seeing him on Tuesday and so it probably wasn’t too surprising.

„Okay.“

„Okay.“ Jens repeated, „And then you can tell me about yours?“

Lucas nodded, leaning forward to grab his tea again. The younger boy watched him patiently over the rim of the mug, as Jens was preparing himself to put it all out there. He couldn’t have started with a more personal and harder topic, really. Not even Robbe knew all that much about it.

„His name is Hendrik. He has a phd in marine biology. He knows how to sail and took Lies and me a couple of times when we were super young. I don’t actually remember it, but we have pictures of it at home. He always had something to say. He is really good at talking and explaining and everything, I think.“

As he talked, he couldn’t help but miss the years he got to see his father at least for a couple of month each year. Jens had blocked it out somehow. Perhaps to not feel sad about it, as he felt his beating heart when he went on to explain certain memories he still had from birthdays. Or the one time Henrik had brought home a rock from antarctica, that Jens was pretty sure, was still somewhere stored in a drawer at home.

And Lucas sat across of him, sipping his tea and listened.

### Jan 17th, Sunday 19:05

„That was a lot.“ 

„Agreed.“ 

They both stood by the frontdoor of Lucas’s flat, a shy smile on Lucas’s face, that Jens answered with his own. They had definitely cried for an hour after they had reached the subject of their moms. Jens had went first and it hadn’t taken a lot of time. Lucas already knew so much, Jens had learned.

Jens also had realised just how much Lucas and his mom must have talked on the days they had met at home. Perhaps that was why his mom had been so ready to accept their relationship. And why she had been quick to trust and let Lucas into their lives.

But then Lucas had begun to talk and it had left him in tears, with Jens joining in. Pained to see the younger boy cry and helpless to watch, as he wasn’t sure how much comfort would overstep the boundary they had drawn between themselves.

It had started out fairly simple, just the clinical study. And then their life in Utrecht, their family and her old job at the library. However it had turned rather fast, when Lucas had started to talk about the time it had all fallen apart. He had promised to tell Jens about the incident that had caused it, once he had asked for his mother’s permission. It was ominous enough, thatJens hadn’t dared to press on the reason.

Instead Jens had listened on about how deep her depression and delusions went. How she had struggled with suicidal thoughts. To a degree that Lucas had to talk her out of it twice, while a third time he found her after the attempt and it had destroyed Jens to have to sit through all of it being told through sobs and tears.

How had Lucas never shared any of this with him?How had he just let Jens have all of their shared attention and energy, when Lucas had lived through so much already?

Jens had felt his heart clench under the realisation just why Lucas had been that enraged and frightened on Thursday. It all made so much more sense, as well as it only created a hollow feeling and self-hatred at the blindness Jens had brought against the younger boy.

„I’m scared we will just fall into old patterns. I don’t want that.“

„We were barely together. You make it sound like we lived decades being married. We will be fine.“ Jens teased, his tone trying for amusment, when it left a stark bitter taste on his tounge. He was dumb to try to joke about this. Why did he say this?

However Lucas flashed a brief smirk, before he sighed and rolled his eyes at the older boy in the doorway. Why Lucas out up with all the bullshit he said, was still a mystery to him. This boy deserved a reward or something. Or perhaps they both were just beyond saving at this point.

„Can you give me like a night or two?“ Lucas asked meekly, his eyes darting up towards Jens from the floor he had stared at.

„Sure.“ Jens replied, his heart dropping to his feet. It sounded like a hopeless case to him. It never was a good thing if he was told to give it some time to think over. Usually that meant that they, the person in question and him, were done.

„Thank you.“

He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He wasn’t ready to leave like this.

„Luc?“ Jens tried instead, licking his lip, as the nervousness grew in the pit of his belly. Shit. He had thought that he was over that. Since they had left the sofa and the hours of conversation behind them.

„Yes?“

„Can I kiss you?“ His voice sounded so weak, Jens thought, dissapointed to not shoulder his usual confidence. However Lucas only watched him for a second. And Jens didn’t wanted to hear the rejection that he believed to see in the other boy’s face. „I didn’t get to kiss you goodbye last week. And if that’s it. I. I just.“

„This isn’t the end. I just need to think.“ Lucas answered instead. It wasn’t the thing that Jens wished to hear. He had hoped to see them together again after today, but that may have been premature.

„If you say so.“

The look in the younger boy’s eyes changed, suddenly much more determined. It wasn’t wrapped in the deep sadness it had shown just a moment ago. 

And as if to prove a point, it actually was Lucas who leaned in first. Jens didn’t even had to think about his reaction when his hand rose to gently cup the other boy’s cheek and pull him closer. Lucas’s eyes fell shut as he melted into the touch.

He was beautiful, Jens thought.

„I’m sorry that I hurt you, Lu.“ 

His whisper had been cut off on his last word as Lucas’s lips came crashing against his. Almost desperate to feel the elctrifiying contact, while he tugged at Jens’s sweater under the open coat to draw him onto the younger boy. 

His mind blurred when he felt the kiss deepen.

Jens lost his balance for a second, causing an arm to tightly sling around his middle. He himself pushing forward a step back into the flat. It was a bad idea, he should stop this.

Apparently the other boy had arrived at the same realisation. The heated kiss suddenly broken off under gasping lungs needing too much air.

„Sorry.“ Lucas whispered, his face red tinted, while Jens was still able to brush over his skin, down his jaw. He could have him, Jens knew, saw it in the younger boy’s eyes.

So Jens stepped back, loosing the contact and the warmth.

„I’ll see you tomorrow?“ He asked. And silently scolded himself that he couldn’t stop his thoughts from all the what if’s, if he would have allowed himself to stay instead.

„Absolutely.“ Lucas affirmed, his breath shaken. God, what Jens wouldn’t give to have his lips back on him. „Oh and please tell your sister, Lies, right? Tell her that I am sorry, that I didn’t get to meet her.“

Jens nodded dumbly as he closed his coat and wrapped his scarf around his neck, that had been loosely draped over his arm til now. It helped him to persuade himself to leave. To ground him in his desicion.

„I’m pretty sure, she feels the same way. But, will do, of course.“ Jens said and for a split second he saw Lucas about to step out of the door to meet Jens again, but the younger boy stood back. Their gazes still locked onto each other since Lucas had brought up his wish to give them time.

It was the right thing to do.

He hated behaving responsibly. It sucked.

„Bye.“

Lucas bid his goodbye with a small wave of his hand, as he rested his head against the doorway and watched Jens descend the stairs. The older boy briefly stopped, before he wouldn’t be able to see Lucas any longer, to turn his head back.

„Bye.“

### Jan 18th, Monday 12:22

Jens sat at the table next to Robbe. Aaron and Moyo across of them talking about some hot girl that moved next to Moyo. He wasn’t really following along. His mind kept trailing off or blanking out at random moments throughout their conversation. Currently he daydreamed while he picked at the carrots on his plate.

Lies had left very late last night and he had woken to an empty bed and his father had called him to confirm the time tomorrow again. Then there was still the ongoing silence from Lucas.

It wasn’t bad day per se, it wasn’t a good one either. It was all pretty meh.

A meh day.

That fit it best.

Robbe’s elbow suddenly poked his arm in an attempt for attention.

„What?“ Jens called, after the third time the pointy bone had dug into his side, a little annoyed at his best friend. Who knew well enough, that Jens didn’t felt like talking today.

„Your phone.“ Robbe only replied unbothered by the tone in Jens’s voice. And secretly Jens was relieved, he hadn’t meant to snap at Robbe.

„Oh.“ And indeed his phone’s screen had lit up from where it laid next to the tray on the table. „Thank you.“

„Anytime.“ His best friend said, but it wouldn’t be him, if he wouldn’t lean over to throw a glance at the notification. Jens had taken the phone and had tried to keep the message to himself, it just hadn’t worked.

_Lucas 11:48: follow me_

„Mysterious.“

Robbe’s reaction was ignored by Jens’s head darting up and around to search for the young boy inside the cafeteria. It wasn’t even as packed, as class times were off and some courses held online given the everchanging regulations.

So he spotted Lucas fairly quick. 

Jens saw him standing next to the entrance, his gaze steady and it was hard to tell, if it would be something good or bad, as Lucas watched him rather indifferent.

„Go. And tell me later!“ Robbe decidedly commanded him, as he began to push up his best friend from the chair and Jens was inclined to sit back down, just to spite him. Instead he quickly grabbed his jacket and backpack to make his way over.

Lucas waited for him until he was just a couple steps away and then the younger boy turned around and lead them through emptied hallways. They reached the one that they usually had met up inbetween classes over the last weeks of school.

The two boys stood by the window and let their stuff fall to the floor.

Lucas looked out, while Jens’s eyes were strictly on him.

„I think, I’m done thinking.“ The younger boy declared. Suddenly his gaze on Jens, who was startled by his fear of what the conclusion would be.

His breath was short and his blood rushing through his body. 

Please, Jens silently begged, let us be okay.

Without another word or warning, Lucas took Jens’s hand. The tips of his fingers fitted perfectly into his own palm, Jens thought, as he watched them holding onto each other.

„So does that mean we are not over?“ Jens asked soft-spoken while he looked back up.

„I’m afraid I’m incapable of breaking up with you Jens.“ Lucas replied, a smile tugged to his lips that made Jens’s heart jump, before he grinned himself. „Yes, you idiot, it means we are doing this.“

„Alright.“ Jens said, his grin growing brighter under the new light of the situation.

„But!“

And then it faltered again.

„But?“ Jens repeated in question, the uneasy feeling in his stomach back and more present than ever. But, wasn’t good, Jens decided. Lucas tilted his head with a sigh, as he squeezed Jens’s hand.

„Let’s maybe think about how we can figure out to talk to each other better.“

„Yes, yes of course.“ Jens immediately concured as he regained his poise. Anything. Jens would have been fine with anything and this wasn’t unachievable. They could manage that. Jens was pretty convinced of it.

„Alright.“ Lucas nodded, both indulging in the familiarity of their shared space. „And if we are doing this, then I want to say something.“

„Go for it.“

„So yesterday you have talked a lot about how scared you are to steal me of all the hook-ups and relationships and opportunities I could have, if I wouldn’t be with you. You made it pretty clear, that you were afraid I would start to resent you and though I can’t see into the future I want you to believe me when I say that that isn’t going to happen, okay? But obviously you are as stubborn as one gets and thus I was thinking and.“ Lucas’s free hand fished a neatly folded piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket, that he passed onto Jens. „Here.“

Jens’s eyes darted back and forth between the paper in his hand and the worried look on the younger boy’s face.

„What is this?“ 

„Sign it and give it back.“ Lucas only said, as he untangled his fingers from Jens’s The older boy confused by what was going on.

„What?“ Jens therefore provided quite dumbfounded.

„Just do it.“

„Okay.“

He placed the pen on the window sill next to them, and then proceeded to open the folded piece of paper. It didn’t say much, anything really. But there was a date and Lucas’s name and space for his. A single sentence above: Get out of jail free.

„This is my get-out-of-Jens’s-jail card, I get to pull it if I ever should feel trapped, like you say I will be some day. Hope it will make you feel better, now that I can just throw this at you.“

„You are ridiculous.“

Jens huffed a laugh, while he went to take the pen and put his signature down. He shook his head amused by the silly things Lucas apparently could come up with, as he handed the stuff back over towards the younger boy. Both of them smirking at each other.

„I know.“ Lucas simply proclaimed, looking rather pleased with himself.

„You are going to be a great lawyer.“ Jens said. And meant it.

„Oh about that.“ The younger boy suddenly seemed to be reminded of something. „Robbe and me have looked into universities to apply to and I’m actually thinking about applying to the one here in Antwerp.“

„What? Why? There are clearly better options for you, right? You are smart, you should go to the best one or something.“ 

Jens really didn’t wanted to see the younger boy’s potention to go to waste. Lucas should try to get the best education and chances out there.

„I’m not saying I won’t apply to others as well. Definitely including Leiden, but I actually like it here and I know that at least Kes will try to move to Amsterdam, so it isn’t that I’d go back to Utrecht anyway.“ Lucas explained, while his hand was back in Jens’s. „And you are here, of course.“

„I’m beginning to like your idea with the card you made. Because I’m really doubting you to make the right desicion here.“

It was dumb to stay for Jens. Not that the older boy wasn’t hoping to keep Lucas with him, also after this school year would be over. However, with Lotte, it was pretty clear that Jens wouldn’t move away anytime soon. 

It also brought up a train of thoughts, that Jens wasn’t sure had seriously occured to him before. He had somewhat expected for Lucas to have to move back to Utrecht once his mom’s study ended. But that would definitely imply a long-distance relationship that Jens wouldn’t wanted to agree to. 

So it would actually be nice, if Lucas would just stay. They wouldn’t have to break up.

But it also really wouldn’t be wise to accept a lesser renowned university, if Lucas could as well study in Leiden or in the Uk or somewhere else. Anywhere, where a name would open him doors in the future. And only to be with Jens, who wasn’t even sure what to do with himself after graduation.

„Jens, stop overthinking it right now. Please, just let me decide for myself, okay?“

Perhaps he had shown the conflict in his expression. Perhaps Lucas just really came to know Jens better than himself. And that was what Lucas had wanted after all. For Jens to no longer assume to know better.

„Okay.“ Jens agreed, trying to stop his mind from making a list, why that decision wasn’t a good one.

„Okay.“ Lucas said, while he leaned over to poke Jens’s nose with his. „Now. Kiss me, before we head back.“

Jens laughed, assured that he wouldn’t be able to say no, and followed the playful order that the younger boy had whispered against his lips.

### Jan 18th, Monday 15:40

[(insta post)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/640659853001588737/jan-18th-monday-1540)

### Jan 19th, Tuesday 18:08

„What would you like to drink?“

Jens went over towards the kitchen, followed by cautious feet behind him, as he tried to recount what Lies had bought on the weekend.

„We don’t have a lot of alcohol,“ the boy went on, „but I think we have some beer and there should be an opened red wine from Saturday, if I’m not mistaken.“ He opened the fridge, scanning the items, while his finger tapped across the cold frame of the door he hold onto. „Other than that, orange or apple juice, and like icetea or water.“ 

„Water will do, and some of the wine. We don’t want it to go to waste, right?“

„Of course not.“ Jens replied, grabbing said bottles to carry them over to the table. He took a deep breath. He closed the fridge. Jens was incredibly nervous. Had been for hours today. It just had gotten worse, once the doorbell had rung five minutes ago.

His father stood by the set table, tall and sturdier than Jens had remembered him to be. Still the man had the same face, the same wandering eyes, that constantly seemed to examine everything it could catch. Hendrik was older, his hair giving in to grey strands that fell into his face again and again, only to be tugged behind the ear.

His father looked lost in this house. Familiar and yet an intruder in the home, his mom had created for her and her three children. The image was off, tilted and skrewed.

„If she isn’t down in a couple minutes, I’ll go up myself. Seriously, ever since she started playing Mario Maker 2 with Olivia last week, she had barely done anything else.“ Jens complained, brushing off the slight discomfort, because what else was there to talk about. Everything he wanted to say, was too much, too personal to bring up over dinner. He’d ask his father to stay a little longer, once Lotte would be in bed.

„I’m trying hard to keep it in, but I remember another eight-year-old, who refused to put his gameboy away for anything but to sleep. Throwing a tantrum whenever it was gone.“ 

Hendrik laughed, his eyes crinkled in kindness despite the jab at his son’s expense. Jens felt the awkwardness rise to his cheeks, while he grinned back at the man across of him. He had a point, Jens guessed. 

„Do you still need help with anything?

„No. It’s in the oven to keep warm. Just waiting for Lotte.“ Jens explained and waved off the kind offer, that fell completely short in Jens’s eyes. He also viewed his father to be more a guest than a member of this family. A person who just dropped by as it was convinient. „You can already sit down, though, if you want.“

If Jens was honest with himself, he would have loved to despise his father and scream at the ease of the situation they found themselves in. It went against what Jens would consider to be the normal reaction. He shouldn’t be smiling with a man who choose his work over his children. 

But all these late night talks with his mom had somehow helped to accept it. 

Jens still felt anger, still felt the abondoment and sadness that came with his father’s leave.

He wondered if he should sit here at this table with the man, who even after everything made Jens more serene to know to have around than not. His heart was torn by the duality of his fellings.

„How long have you been on sea this time? And where have you beenin the first place?“ Jens asked, for a lack of a better topic. He also was curious to be a child again and marvel at all the things his father had heard and seen.

„It was the first part of an artic expedition along the Greenlandic coast. I was on this big icebreaker, crushing through the tall waves and large ice floes. Enwrapped in total darkness for the last couple of weeks. Any second spend in a night that never ended. But the stars on cloudless hours were fantastic to see. And the northern lights, I certainly have photographs with me to show you. I’ve seen them before, but it had been years and it completely captivated me again to see the colours dance across the black sky. Absolutely worth giving up the sun for a while.“

His father poured himself some wine and some more for his son, who had just brought them glasses to fill. It wouldn’t hurt to enjoy at least a little bit of gentle drunkness. At least enough to hopefully drown out the faint panic at the conversation ahead of them later that night.

„However, that were just the last three month. I was on a submarine before then. That lasted over the whole summer. I was assisting an old colleague of mine. He is from Irkutsk north of Mongolia in Russia. One of the most brilliant people I had the fortune to meet. He is studying deep sea creatures. And it allowed me to refresh some of my russian. So I obviously took six month of intensive deep diving lessons to further my skills and got my fitness up to be able to go with him. I can hardly put in words how humbling and how extremly frightening the whole experience was. Dangerous to be under so much weight of water and the pressure pounding in on the vessel. No light, only low rumble. Eery.“

His father’s pitch dropped as he spoke. It caught Jens to listen in to every word with intent.

„There was like this gripping loneliness at the bottom of the ocean. We just had each other in an environment that would be lethal for us to be in. Just narrow rooms and halles, wrapped in equipment. I am so grateful to have accepted to go. For a month we even had someone of the BBC with us to film some footage for a documentary.“

And there he was. Hendrik Stoffels. Always something to say, and show, and explain, and ponder over. Eager to get a grasp on the vastness of the sea and the depth of the water beneath him.

Sometimes Jens found himself wishing to be as passionate about anything in his life, like his father was about the marine wildlife and his adventurous expeditions. 

It was hard to hate someone, who has found so much happiness and love outside of traditional metrics. Hendrik hadn’t wanted to settle down and he hadn’t wanted fame nor monetary success. He wanted to explore, Jens’s mom had told him. That was what fullfilled his father, and Jens would be lying if he said he didn’t yearned to figure out what would make him feel like that too.

„Lotte.“ Hendrik proclaimed bright, ripping Jens out of his thoughts, as the girl appeared next to them to take her usual seat. 

She had the switch with her, but the screen was dark and she had placed it next to her plate. Her eyes were stuck on the strange man, she had no recollection of. She had been two when Hendrik had left, who could hold that against her. This man may as well be a random person Jens had picked up on the street.

„My god, Jens had grown, but you, you actually turned into an actual human being.“ Their father chuckled, his gaze transfixed on the girl in wonder. One day a toddler and the next an eight-year-old child. The six years almost non-existent, Jens guessed by the look in their father’s expression.

His words hold the same sentiment that he had brought against Jens on the doorstep into the house. When it had taken Hendrik a long minute to process to have found a young man in the place of his son he had left behind. 

If Jens would be asked, he’d say, that for once his father had been rendered speechless.

„Shall we eat?“ His father went on, when Jens had been to busy with his thoughts to pay attention to the reason they had met in the first place.

„Yes!“ Lotte loudly declared, already wiping the napkin off of her plate.

„One sec.“ Jens replied amused, before he turned to get the baking dish out of the oven.

### Jan 19th, Tuesday 23:03

[(clip)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/640778380398264320/jan-19th-tuesday-2303)

### Jan 20th, Wednesday 17:35

Jens yawned, stretching his arms up into the air.

„It was weird, not gonna lie. Like we were just talking and eating and it felt like there weren’t years of his absence in between the last time he had been home. I don’t know. I’m still not sure, what to feel about it. I think I want to be angry at him, but I also can’t. But I really, really want to. Though he also tried to make amends.“

His mind began to go round in endless circles as he caught up his mom about yesterday’s dinner. His father had left sometime around ten, when Lotte had already been in bed for a while.

They had talked a lot about about his fathers last couple years of work. And Lotte had loved it, hung on his lips with wonder in his eyes. Jens didn’t had the heart to tell his father off, reminded of all the times he had been in his sister’s position, only to feel sorrow when it couldn’t overshadow the desire for his father’s presence.

But as soon as his Lotte hadn’t been part of their conversation any longer, it quickly had turned into awkward silence. For minutes Hendrik and Jens had stared at each other, or perhaps past each other. 

It had been Jens who had asked the first question. From there it was a blur in his memory, just too many topics and too real implications and too raw answers. All mingled into a sea of shreds.

„He said that he would take care of all costs towards your.“ 

The word funeral got stuck in his throat.

But his mom nodded, she understood.

„He told me that it was okay if I didn’t know yet what to do after school. Because I’m not sure, if I want to go to university at all.“

„Really?“

„Yes. I may not go.“

There was a brief pause, as his mother weighed the truth in his statment.

„I agree with your father. You shouldn’t do it, if you’d have to force yourself.“

He watched her, as the words settled. Though he got the reaction he wanted from both of them, Jens couldn’t help but feel that he let them down somehow in not choosing an academic paths.

Hendrik and Helena Stoffels both had attended university, got their degress, his father even a phd. They always had valued education in their house. Thus Lies naturally went to university without question, right after school. Her field of study certain years prior and now she was working for a company for a year now, moving her way up the carrer ladder. Lies had bought a house and got engaged.

And what was he supposed to do, other than feel incompetent somehow. Even Lucas was going to study, as he should. So would Robbe, and Aaron, and Moyo. 

Where would that leave him?

Work, household chores and Lotte to raise.

Jens didn’t wanted to think about it yet.

„And he apologised for not being there for us. For you.“

He recalled the moment, when these words had left his father’s tongue. It had taken everything to not lash out. It fucking hurt and he couldn’t just forgive the man across of him. Jens got why his father chose whatever he had chosen for his life. But he willingly had his children. And children came with responsibilities and his father just had decided to leave without regard. And that would never be okay.

Lotte would have deserved better, instead of being stuck with Jens. 

She would have deserved to grow up with both her siblings and parents. Even if it always would have ended in their mom’s passing, They would have had Lies to help Jens out. They would have had their father to care for them. 

In this reality however, Jens felt deserted at times. 

He sighed as he moved to sit down on his mom’s bed instead. He sat at her side, her health feeble and rapidly declining. It was just them today. The reason he could talk as open as he did. With Lotte around he needed to prove to be strong for her. He needed to be there for his sister. 

But like this, Jens could just let go of the pretense.

„I can’t forgive him.“

„He doesn’t expect you to.“

Jens huffed a laugh. His mom couldn’t be serious. Why else would he have apologised for almost an hour last night?

„How do you know that?“

„When he was here, he said something about at least wanting to be honest with you. And that that was all that mattered to him. For you to know him.“

„If he indeed would have cared so much, he wouldn’t have left in the first place. And he said that he doesn’t regret it. I know that he meant back than. Maybe he does now. But I know, that he would do exactly the same thing over again. 

It doesn’t change the fact that he is leaving Antwerp tomorrow either, and it doesn’t change the fact that he won’t be moving closer or take time off of his work. Or even come and see us ever again if it no longer includes you in the equation. This sucks.

I think you give this man too much credit and I wish you would have fallen for a different man sometimes. Why him? Why someone who just doesn’t care for us, his won children?“

Perhaps Jens was crying, and perhaps he was shouting in the end at the beeping screen next to the hospital bed. He dropped his gaze, down onto their interlaced fingers on the blanket between them.

His grasp was too tight on the weak hand in his. Her skin dry and oddly yellowish tinted, even in the white neon lights above them. 

His mom barely ate any more. Only infusions left to give her enough energy to at least be awake for a couple of hours. She already was tired again. Her eyes sleepy. 

„I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you just now. Go and sleep. I’ll stay for a while, if you don’t mind?“

„I’d like that.“

Jens wished he could talk a little longer with her, but she was already drifting off. Her chest rising and falling in a calm rythym, as his fingers warpped tightly around hers.

Tears caught on his quivering lips.

Jens thought about his father and salty ocean waters. And if he had seen him for the last time yesterday, when they had bid goodbye on the doorstep in the cold night.

They hadn’t actually said ‘goodbye’, they hadn’t said ‘til soon’ either, nor had they said ‘farewell’.

Instead his father had thanked Jens. Said, that he had been grateful for the dinner invitation.

And Jens had simply replied to him with a nod of his head. Said, that he was glad to have had a chance to talk to him in person.

And that was that.

### Jan 21st, Thursday 15:51

[(lockscreen)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/640932379683438592/jan-21st-thursday-1551)

### Jan 21st, Thursday 18:14

„Hey.“

Lucas’s voice chimed from the entrance, as the front door fell shut. „I still have the key, so I hope it was fine? I’m not a robber, I swear!“

If Jens would have felt his usual self, instead of the disconnect to his body and voice, he would have answered in jest. Something along the lines of that being exactly what a robber would say. Instead he swallowed down a couple of sobs in vain, as more surfaced from the waves.

He put the knife down on the wooden board, staring at the vegetables about to be cut.

His shoulders were trembling. Betraying any attempt to appear alright.

„Why are you crying? What happened?“ And there he was, his boyfriend, immediately knowing that something was up. Especially when Jens stood turned with his back towards the younger boy. 

„Oh, hi. Nothing.“ Jens told him, while he quickly brushed of tears from his cheeks and chin. He didn’t lie. „It’s dumb.“

„It’s not dumb, if it made you cry.“ 

The voice behind him spoke with worry and fear, that Jens couldn’t ignore him longer. He turned around to notice Lucas looking straight at him. It really wasn’t bad. Nothing major had happened that would warrent his crestfallen state. He simply had gotten caught up in the emotion.

„No, it actually is. I just finished listening to Taylor Swifts latest album. Like five minutes ago.“ Jens explained with a faint smirk, that didn’t raised high enough to help him over the faintest tears gathering back in the corner of his eyes. Fuck feelings, he thought. This was ridiculous. He was ridiculous.

„Okay, maybe you were right there a little.“ Lucas huffed a laugh, his face smoothing out into relief. Right before his eyes gleamed in jest. „You were actually crying to Taylor Swift?“

„Fuck off, dude.“

„No! You are adorable.“ Lucas cooed, „Come into my arms, I’ll comfort you.“

„I hate you so much.“ He tried to push the younger boy off of him, who rushed to tightly cling to his middle instead. There was such force in the way Lucas had thrown himself into Jens’s body, that it almost had swept both of them off of their feet.

Lucas cracked a loud giggle first, before Jens himself began to laugh too.

He wasn’t able to tell who started it, but as they swayed from one foot to the other it calmed them both into a comfortable state of ease. Jens hold the younger boy tightly, grateful to have him back, after he had thought to have lost him.

„I don’t even know why. But the last song. That did it. I was reminded of the last couple month, of my mom and you and I don’t know. It just fitted so well, you know? I couldn’t help it.“

Jens kissed the mop of brown curled hair, burying his face in it to hide away from the world for a moment until he could regain his composure.

„See, that’s not dumb.“ Lucas replied, while his fingers knead the older boy’s back gently.

„Well you’ve listened to it probably on loop and know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re definitely a big Swiftie, right?“

„Glad you still find some time to be an asshole while crying in my arms.“ Lucas said with a dramatic sigh, as he untangled himself from the older boy to get away. Jens realised it too late. His fingers scraped only the sweater that Lucas wore.

„No wait! Come back. We can stan together. Also Bon Iver.“ He proclaimed loudly, while Lucas laughed and left him behin d by the kitchen counter. „Rude.“

„I’m going to get my phone and then we can listen to some of your rap stuff while cooking. Or something.“ The younger boy’s voice echoed from the entrance hall for the moment to find his jacket and the right pocket. „Where is Lotte?“

„Eh upstairs. Hopefully doing her Dutch homework, but very probably playing on her Switch. Runs in the family, I guess.“ Jens said and shrugged his shoulders. He still felt incredibly uncomfortable being strict with his little sister. He didn’t wanted her to hate him, but he knew that he couldn’t let her get away with everything. Why was this so complicated? 

It left him absolutely awed by the consideration that his mom had managed that with three children.

„I see.“ Lucas replied, half in thoughts as he unlocked his phone. There was a brief sound from the bluetooth as it got connected to Lucas’s device instead.

For a moment Jens just stood and watched. Exactly a week had passed without the younger boy occupying the space that he had somehow claimed in this house. All of it within only a couple of month. 

Lucas’s gaze was stuck to his phone in hand. He blindly walked through the room, familiar with it’s interior. Oblivious to the fact how perfectly he fitted in his surroundings. A missing piece, that finally returned. And he didn’t even seemed to notice. But Jens did. 

And though it was a scary thought, it also brought some form of peace to his mind.

That was until the first note had hit and Lucas immediately looked up at him with a shit-eating grin, as he joined in to sing the first couple of lines. Jens knew he had listened to this more times, than he would like to admit.

„I'm a working, bitch

Ain't got no time for dick

You wish you could sway my attention“

Jens snorted loud and overjoyed, while he shook his head. No matter how heavy his heart had felt and how much he had tried to catch his breath again, now that Lucas had arrived, suddenly it hadn’t weighed as much any more. 

The younger boy went to get himself a knife and a cutting board, before he stole the peeled carrots from Jens’s forgotten preparations on the counter. Jens didn’t even had to ask, when Lucas already began to help get their dinner ready. 

He shifted a little over towards his boyfriend, til their elbows would brush every so often, as they sang along and laughed. And perhaps even found themselves dancing at one point, when they had nothing else to do but wait for the water on the stove to boil.

### Jan 21st, Thursday 23:44

He felt his eyes bruning as he watched the game get closed by Lucas beside him. 

It was late and for the last hours they had been constantly talking. 

Right after dinner with Kes and Isa, to talk about the weekend and them arriving tomorrow. Lucas was already looking forward to have his friends over. They would visit Antwerp for the first time, unfortunately inmidst the pandemic, which therefore menat that they’d only get to see the trip from the station to Jens’s place. Maybe another time, it would be a little more exciting. 

Still, the sole fact that Lucas could hug his best friends tomorrow, was enough to forget about the rest.

And then at around nine the two both had bid their goodbye and switched towards the large group chat on discord, for some good ol’ Among Us.

Jens had been a bit wary as Lotte had joined them to talk to Isa, but fallen asleep halfway through the conversation. She had rested her head in his lap, as she had made herself comfortable. His blanket covered her whole and her breathing was even. He had brushed through her her for a while until he was with his friends.

Because it was loud and chaotic and constant talking and yelling over each other, especially as they were busy playing. Jens had been worried that it would wake his little sister. But she seemed to really be out of it. Hadn’t even moved, when Sander had screamed at Milan’s betrayal two games in.

Amber had voiced her adoration at the sight of the´m three huddled together on Jens’s bed. He silently had agreed to the serene bliss that showed on the little video on the screen in call.

With Lotte sleeping on one side, her head buried on his stretched out legs and Lucas to his left, pressed against Jens, it really looked domestic. The younger boy’s head fell onto his shoulder every time that Jens was taking control of the player. They were too many for the lobby anyway, so they had decided to switch back and forth between games at the start.

However, as the energy had subsideded and a pleseant weariness had made them all agree to stop for tonight, the group was still in call for a little while, just talking, checking their phones. Some already ready to go.

„Guys? Do you have like a minute left?“ Jens voiced, with Lucas turning around in curiousity. The same one that was instantly displayed by all of his friends given him their full attention. It was a bit fightening to suddenly be faced by complete silence. „I just wanted to tell you something real quick.“

Like whiplash, Jens was quickly swamped by everyone giving him words of encouragment to continue. It was hard to distinguish between the voices cracking over the speaker.

„Alright.“ 

„Of course.“

„Take your time.“

„What’s up, Bro? Spill.“ That last one, definitely had been Moyo.

„So. I know that I had been really distant, especially over the last couple of weeks. And thank you so much for sticking with me. I know I can be a dick. I didn’t mean to ghost you all. I just needed time to figure myself out.“ 

Sander looked as if he wanted to say something, but Jens just went on. He couldn’t stop here, or he would decide to defer this onto some later date. But he had promised Lucas to change, and this would be one of the steps to take. 

In all honesty his friends at least deserved that.

„This really means a lot to me. Especially since I havent really talked about everything that is going on. I promise you to do that, not today though. I hope you won’t be mad. But uhm, I actually meant it in the cabin, when I said that I will raise Lotte on my own.“ Jens paused for a second, his gaze dropping to the sleeping figure in his lap. He knew he had made the right desicion back in december. „So Today I got my court date to see the judge, who will hopefully grant me the complete guardianship over her. And I‘m really nervous.“ Jens ended and exhaled. He said nervous and it was the truth. On one hadn how his friends would react and if they would accept it. 

It certainly would complicate future plans. He couldn’t just spend a couple of weeks with them on trips, or go to spontaneous parties, or stay out after school, just because he felt like it. He knew it would change their dynamic. And he was afraid that he would loose his friends along the way.

„Wait, what? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?“ Lucas asked, simultaneously confused and surprised. It took Jens a solid minute to figure out the reason. Right, he hadn’t told the younger boy about it yet. 

„Because we were busy with other stuff.“ 

He realised to late, that this could be falsely construed. The whole voice chat was already in a struggle of wheezes and laughs as Jens quickly tried to take control back. „Calm the fuck down. With dinner. Jesus. Honestly. It was dinner preperation.“

„Yea. Only work and definitely no time for dick with this one.“ Lucas added unhelpful to the situation. It was a clear reference to the song they had listened to. The one that anybody else obviously haden’t and therefore could only worsen the glee in their eyes. There were high screeches and gasping lungs fighting for dominance on speaker.

Lotte briefly shifted, but nothing else.

Jens watched and waited. He could see Amber’s and Moyo’s wide eyes, while Milan, Jana and Robbe were clutching their stomachs. Sander only shook his head in feigned dissapointment as he grinned.

„Alright. Glad you all are having a great time.“ Jens pouted, despite the amused smile that gave him away.

„Sorry.“ Milan said, the laughs finally started to abate, only the occasional giggle slipped up.

„When’s the date?“ Yasmina chimed in. An angel, if anyone would have asked Jens. Everyone’s attention swiftly back on Jens, who pulled his phone out to check the mail once more. He definitely should write it down somewhere. 

„On the nineteenth of February. So a little under a month. Alex, our lawyer, tried to get one as soon as possible, because of the urgency with my mom. But yeah. That’s not that far from now, I guess.“

„Do you know, if it will be a hard to win?“ That was Zoe , Senne next to her, both rather calm inmidst the chaos his other firends displayed. He always felt a little like talking to parents, when they looked at him like this in unison.

„I don’t think so. We had all other potential adults sign a waiver and I’m eighteen. The only uncertainty could be financials, but that is unlikely. I have the house and inheritance and my father’s allowence. Still, it could go wrong.“

That’s what caused his nervosity in the first place, the sheer possibility that something could take Lotte away from him.

„No, it will be fine. I’m pretty sure. You have always been great with Lotte.“ Robbe stated acsolutely assured of his words, while Jana nodded in agreement in the video next to him.

Jens felt his heart ease up from tension. He was so thankful for his friends. Most of all Robbe. How had he deserved to find his best friend and keep him over all these years?

Even if everyone would leave at some point, included Lucas or anyone who would follow, Jens was frighteningly sure, that Robbe and him would stick together til the end. He couldn’t even place the reason for his strong belief. His best firend has just always been there next to him. The one constant in his life, since they met in first grade. 

„Robbe?“

„Yes?“

„I love you.“

Jens watched with great joy the face of his best friend, that brightened up into the brilliant smile that always lifted Jens up as well.

„Bro!“ Aaron declared, immediately accompanied by a stunning choir of awws and oows.

Lucas laughed next to him, his head resting again on Jens’s shoulder. He loved the weight. It meant that he wasn’t alone.

„I love you too.“ Robbe replied, still cheerful and grinning, yet certainly confused at the out-of-the-blue confession. Nonetheless both their declarations absolutely genuine in intent. Jens pondered if he ever had said these words on their own, and infront of others on top of it. But he just had felt right to say them out loud.

„Okay. Good night, everyone. Thanks for staying.“

„JENS! NO! You ca“

The audio of Luca screaming into her mic cut off, as Jens hit the red button to end the call. Quite pleased with himself. He knew that his friends weren’t satisfied with him just leaving. But it just was too funnny not to.

„So what do we do now with her?“ Jens said, pushing the laptop away, before lokking down at Lotte.

They settled on letting her sleep with them instead after Jens had suggested to carry her over. But of course Lotte had woken up from this and not the shouting voices minutes before. She had complained until Jens had told her that she could stay, to which she had asked for a goodnight kiss by both of them, before she sprawled herself across Jens’s side of the bed.

Lotte was back asleep not a minute later.

And though Jens rather would have had liked Lucas and him alone on their first night together after a week, he guessed that that would be some unfortunate part of his life now. He had said that out loud. And Lucas had only laughed on his way out to the bathroom, followed by Jens’s grumbling voice.

„Oh shut up. As if you hadn’t thought the same.“

### Jan 22nd, Friday 18:29

[(insta post/chat)](https://chappedandfadedvds.tumblr.com/post/641032934811402240/jan-22nd-friday-1829)

### Jan 22nd, Friday 18:30

Faint music in the background. Them on the bed, stretched out on top of the blankets. On their backs, phones in hands. Each of them caught up in their own digital world as they almost inaudible hummed along the lyrics of the song. 

All the beats fell in between the silence that they shared.

Jens stared a little longer at Jana’s answer. He had felt worse with each day that had passed without his reply, which had only taken him a moment of his time, yet so much more. He turned off the screen, his phone placed next to him, before he turned his head to look at Lucas. 

The younger boy was still occupied. His fingers typing away, his lips mouthing words, that Jens couldn’t hear. He had missed this so much. Had yearned to wake up again next to this boy that had struck him one bleak october morning. Remarkable how fast he had fallen, how gentle the landing had been in the end. So easy to accept and cherish. 

The harder it had hurt to loose the thight grasp on him. Though perhaps he never truly had.

They didn’t even had a plan from here on out. Jens had brought it up on a call two nights ago, but had been cut off by the younger boy. The plan is to hold my hand tomorrow and never let go, Lucas had told him. The smile present in the soft pitch of his voice. Mellow. Calming.

Enough to stop his worry for a little while.

Lucas sighed and lowered his phone to his chest. The moment he faced Jens, his lips curled up and his eyes crinkled at it’s corners, the older boy forgot to breath. Still, after all these weeks.

„Hey, there. You good?“

It was barely above a whisper, yet it felt intrusive, too loud.

„Good enough.“ Jens replied vague, his gaze dropped in the second he spoke, before he was searching for deep blue eyes again. Perhaps this was his ocean to devote himself to.

„Well, Ies texted me that they should be here in, like, half an hour. I can still take them to my place. In case you don’t feel to well and need some quiet. That’s fine.“

„No, don’t worry. I’d rather have you here.“

Lucas huffed amsued, as he shifted closer, leaning in to kiss the older boy, eager to feel the lips on his. He tasted like bitter tea. And Jens loved it only for the times he got to taste it on Lucas’s tongue.

„Ies is so dumb though.“ The younger boy said, as he couldn’t help but chuckle and break off their kiss. Only to press his lips back with even more force a second later. Jens’s fingers tangled in brown locks of hair, as a hand run over his bare chest under his shirt.

„What?“ Jens whispered when he had halted for a moment to gasp for much needed air. He felt like he had missed a part of a conversation, trying to push away the pleasent fog clouding his senses.

„As if we would just make out for hours, when Lotte is around.“

„Sorry, what?“

„That’s what she implied when she texted me. Perhaps a bit more than just making out.“ Lucas explained. His expression graced by a brilliant smirk that needed to be kissed off his face, Jens thought. However it actually made him realise that Isa may not have been so wrong after all. And that wasn’t quite something he wanted in his mind right now.

He threw his head back onto the mattress, his eyes back on the ceiling. He needed his heart to calm and his blood to stop rushing down his vains. The tips of his fingers burning.

The sound of broken glass certainly did the trick. Jens suddenly sobered from his longing thoughts, as he instantly sat in bed, straightened up, listening past the music and past the rustling of sheets from Lucas moving behind him.

„JENS! JEEENS!“ The whine that followed already closed in as feet stomped up the stairs in rapid motion. 

Alarms went off in his head, expecting the worse. The imagine of his mom, on the floor, hand bloodied and in tears, inmidst shards of glass and red drops.

He was already on his feet a second later, and by the door in a heartbeat after, quick to push it open. 

His sister, almost infront of him, had just reached the last step. She looked fine. Unharmed. And yet a little shaken, while big eyes were staring at him in shock.

„Are you okay? What happened?“ Jens asked, a little more at ease with the knowledge that it probably wasn’t as bad as he had feared.

„I pushed the glass of the table and it broke and spilled all the juice over my homework before it fell. And now I have to write it all again.“

Jens wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or laugh at the near heart attack and panic that he had been through just a moment earlier. Perhaps he wanted to just scold Lotte for scarying him that much.

But his little sister still looked rather frightened and close to tears herself, even if it only stemmed from her ruined homework.

He took a deep breath, not trusting his voice to sound reassuring otherwise.

„Alright. I’ll be down in a sec. Maybe you can already get the mob from the bathroom, so we can clean this before Kes and Isa are here?“ Jens suggested and watched his sister trotting back downstairs, after she had nodded and agreed.

Lucas’s arms wrapped around his middle, as he pressed his body against Jens’s back, The younger boy rested his chin on his shoulder, not without dotting his neck with a dozen tender kisses. 

„This child, I swear.“ Jens laughed lightly, already feeling better again. The last couple of weeks had proven to have been a constant up and down. He could only hope that it would begin to settle now that he believed to have find some security in his friend’s and Lucas’s company. He would be fine. 

Not now. Perhaps not next month. But one day.

„Okay then, let’s get this done.“ Lucas decided, while he pushed Jens forward and followed Lotte down. The two boys even managed to throw a brief glance into the mirror by the entrance, sorting their hair and smoothing their clothes out. To look decent, as the younger boy had put it. 

It had made Jens look at him with a confused expression, only to be met by a shaking head and a soft giggle.

Sometimes he didn’t understand his boyfriend. And he wasn’t sure, if he ever could. He hoped he would, though.

„Look, it’s all gone.“ Lotte cried in her despair, as she hold up the three sheets of paper, dripping in apple juice. Jens had to agree, that this didn’t looked too good for her, but his main concern laid with the glass on the floor.

So while he was busy to clean that mess to their feet, Lucas and Lotte put their attention towards the table and his sister’s scattered school supplies.

They had gotten it done just in time. Right before the doorbell rang. The mop was put back. The papers on the heater next to the sofa. To hopefully dry them, and leave at least the text readable enough to copy from later.

„Bonsoir!“ 

The cheery voice from Isa hit them, as soon as they had opened the door. Kes next to her shouldering two large bags, while he somehow still waved and said his own greetings with a breathless smile.

„You are here!“ Lucas declared just as excited, while ushered his two best friends in. Jens was glad he had agreed to have them all spend the weekend together. He adored to see his boyfriend this joyous. 

Jens was briefly enwrapped in a loving embrace by the girl, until Lotte shouted her name. And in an instant he had been forgotten.

„Aw there she is, my favourite eight-year-old.“ Isa proclaimed right next to him, before she scooped up Lotte into her arms. Both of them busy talking in rapid fire, about how much they had looked forwards to this. 

A hand on his shoulder that pulled him into another hug, ripped his eyes away from the two girls. Kes had apparently rid himself from the weight of the luggage to be finally able to arrive fully and greet Jens personally. It was a little more than that, though.

„You are lucky, that this stupid boy loves you so much. I was this close to come and beat you up last weekend.“ Kes said, while he only left the tiniest space between his thumb and index finger as he gestured to Jens just how narrow he had escaped his fate, his tone light and playful. Jens, however, felt rather assured that there wasn’t an ounce of a lie to be detected behind those words. 

He fortunately managed to smile through the realisation, vowing himself to better not fuck up ever again in the future.

„What, you love me? Cringe.“ Jens decided to joke instead, a cocky smirk stretched across his face. He turned his head towards Lucas, who immediately flipped him off without any hesitation.

„No. I don’t. Kes lied.“

„Shit, that hurts.“ Jens pouted in jest, his eyes blinking up at the grinning boy next to Isa.

„It should.“ 

That was all that Lucas had replied, before the five of them headed into the living room. All in order to give the newly arrived couple a quick tour of the house. Lotte darting right to the front to take on the role of the guide, eager to give too many details about everything that caught her eyes.

„I love you so much.“ Lucas had said a little later, when they followed the other three up the stairs, with a bit of distance between them. His fingers quick to grab Jens’s hand into his to squeeze them for emphasis. 

Jens stopped them halfway up, stealing a kiss and then also a second. 

One day he would feel like this, right here in this moment, at any given time. Be it when the sun was up and Lotte was ignoring him in her room, or when the night covered him in darkness and he would be missing their mom. One day he would be okay.

„I know,“ he whispered, „I love you, too.“

# End of week 13

## Jens's season

(Don't You Worry by Oh Wonder)

* * *

_I do plan to continue my other VDS story though, still getting the rough draft and it definitely won't be as long, but if you are interested, check it out._

_Also I'm finishing up a Sobbe one-shot at the moment, that I hopefully get to post next week. So yeah, that's all._

_And before I forget: This damn fanfic is a book and I still can't believe how much I wrote... wtf_

_My very last words, very unsurprising, but nonetheless true:_

_Thank you so much for reading my story!!!_


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